The last few weeks I have just totally let everything go. I've been shoveling food into my mouth like I was a garbage disposal. And Dr. Pepper...I went there. More than once. Not even the diet stuff.
And I'm fully aware that it's all related to the fact that I'm just a little...depressed.
I'm just having a hard time dealing with the sudden and sobering realization that I'm not good at my job. I've kinda suspected it and wondered but I think I was able to offer explanations or excuses. I kinda thought a lot of what I encountered was growing pains and would dissipate once our program got rolling. But that is clearly not the case.
I would vent to my husband and relate events and he would offer up all his "solutions" - the you shoulda, I woulda, you need to - and I would always think to myself that he didn't really understand, it didn't apply, that it didn't work that way in a program like mine.
But I have a philosophy that I seem to apply to everyone, except myself, and that's if problems keep occurring, sometimes you gotta look at the common denominator and realize the real problem may be with yourself.
So the other night we got into a particularly nasty fight. Oh, don't judge. Every couple fights, whether it's admitted or not. And if they don't, well...they haven't been together long enough.
Soooo, there was a fight and it was completely unrelated and irrelevant but he was losing so in a desperate attempt to gain some momentum he threw one below the belt and essentially told me that I couldn't run my program because I was a piss poor manager.
Now, before you start to think that he's a giant ass, let me just point out that we've all spewed some not so nice and hurtful things during a fight. That's kinda what makes it a fight and not a discussion. Most of us, however, aren't unfortunate enough to have those things repeated and blasted in a blog.
But here's the thing. Usually, I'm the mean one in a fight. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm the middle child and spent most my life learning to be diplomatic (which makes me ferocious in a fight because I can always see the other argument and break it down and destroy it) or the fact that I'm pretty good at empathising with people (which allows me to understand what others are feeling and identify weaknesses) or if it's the fact that I'm just down-right mean...but when I fight, really fight, I go for the jugular. No holding back, I'm in it for the kill.
I'm not proud of that. At all. It's horrible. But it is true. So when the husband hurls the occasional insult my way they seem so far-fetched and remote that I know he doesn't believe what he's saying, it's all in the heat of the moment. And it has little impact.
But this, this has got in my head. And I realize that the reason why is that deep-down, I know it's true.
It's like all the qualities that made me good in my previous job are what prevent me from being good at this one. Yes, I've stepped up and taken care of difficult things but that's always outside my comfort zone and is so unnatural for me. I make too many allowances, am too easy, and simply care about relationships a little too much.
And the thing about it is, I know how I should be, I know how I have to be in order to be effective. But it's like I can't really squeeze out how I am as a person. I can't change who I am at my very core. It's like this battle that I'm never going to win.
I will never be the person I need to be in order to run this program the way it needs to be run.
And that's disturbing, disappointing, and depressing. And I'm not sure what to do.
So I've been stuffing my face. Because that seems like a perfectly good and reasonable way to resolve any issue, don't you think?
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