I am so drained that I think I might just crumple into a tiny (or not so tiny) heep the minute I walk through the door. Well...after I get dinner made, the dishes done, and the kids tucked in. And I'm in no way trying to be a superwoman - trust me, if I could I would gladly give away the cape - it's just that I never want to make my kids feel like they are a burden. I never want them to feel that I'm too spent to put in the effort to care for them, or for them to even know how much of an effort it can be.
And at times it really does feel like an effort. Sometimes more than I think it should. Isn't this parenting thing suppose to come naturally? Aren't I suppose to revel in the sheer joy of being a Mom? And not have moments when I want to lock myself away in the bathroom?
Because there are absolute days where I want to. There are days I feel like I can't hear "Mommy!" One. More. Time.
And then I look at their faces, their beautiful little faces, and I remember that THEY are the priority, THEY deserve my most, THEY deserve my best. And I suddenly remember that I'M the Mom - I'm the one they are looking to, learning from, depending on.
So I pull it together.
At least I try to. I don't always do it so well - we've had way too many hotdog/pizza/anythingquickandeasy nights and I am way grumpier and impatient with them then I need to be. But at least they don't see a crumpled Mom. Maybe slightly crinkled, but not crumpled.
I save that for when they are in bed. Of course, by that time I usually don't have it in me to even do that. So it turns out to be more like an ugly kind of melty blob. and I dissolve right into the couch.
And I'm allowed to do that tonight because I've had a hellacious week. Well, that's probably
Actually, the last two weeks have been nonstop. In the last 10 days I have given three presentations at inservice, conducted two welcome back student orientation sessions and spent half a day conducting training for all the tutoring programs on campus. It took me a lot of time to prepare and a lot of energy actually presenting. It takes a lot for me to be "on".
But I have to say, it was worth it. I was really happy with my sessions - particularly the tutor training. Which was actually the one I was the most worried about. But I had a great session - it went really, really well. And that's saying a lot because I am never happy with any of my trainings or any time I do public speaking. It's not that I think they all go horribly wrong, it's just that I have high standards. Especially for myself. So I always nitpick and find things that I could have done better or things I wish I would have changed. But that session, I felt like I really nailed it. Such an awesome feeling!
In addition to my "performances", classes started this week so we have had nonstop traffic (which is awesome, by the way) and a lot of meetings. Meanwhile, the emails need to be answered, the phone calls returned and the stack on my desk keeps growing. And then there is all the extras: committees & boards and things that I don't need to do but do anyway.
I've been placed on some, what I consider, important committees on campus. This was done by my supervisor in order to promote me. And it's a good thing for me professionally but honestly, for at least one committee I'm way out of my league. And our first meeting is next week. Seriously, I feel like I'm going to be the one that just never says anything or says something completely dumb. And I'm not sure there is any way I can prepare or get myself up to speed. And the worst part is when people think highly of you and you underperform. If you're a slacker, people expect nothing and if you do something, even something small, they are impressed. But if you try hard to perform and are actually successful a few times? Then that becomes the expectation. And you're screwed.
And I started this stupid 10K training. So I've been making myself go to lunch each day so I can get in my gym time. That is so much easier said than done! Especially when I have a zillion things that need my attention. It just doesn't seem like a priority. But I know it is, I know I need it. It kinda hit me when I noticed that my staff asks me "Are you taking a lunch?" instead of "When are you taking lunch?" How horrible is that? I get one measly hour a day, why am I giving that up?
I know this probably sounds like I'm about to have a melt down. I'm not - I promise! I'm just sayin I'm glad it's Friday!
I'm gonna rest and play and revive. And be very thankful that this week is done!
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