Give Me Patience

I need prayers. Lots and lots of prayers. I'm trying so hard to be good about this living arrangement but it just isn't working.

I had a huge long rant typed up but it got lost - I tried to post it but it just disappeared. I'm taking that as a sign that I shouldn't be complaining, that I should open my heart and be kind and patient and full of love.

But the thing is, I'm not. I'm full of...just ugliness.  I'm trying to fake my way through it and remind myself that I need to try to be a better person.  That hasn't done anything to actually make me a better person, it just makes me feel bad that I'm not already.

But beyond all the little irrational petty annoyances that I have, I worry about what my kids are learning.  I have a whole list of things that have bothered me but perhaps one of the more frustrating was when she told my girls that they should never start smoking because then boys wouldn't like them.

NO! DO NOT DO THAT! Don't condition my children to make decisions based on the acceptance of other people! They should never start smoking because it's highly addictive and detrimental to their health - it has nothing to do with getting a boy to like them! And no decision that they make ever should!

Look, I like men. I really, really do. I'm not some crazy feminist who think men are evil. Because I don't, I really do love men and appreciate them.  But the reality is that young girls are conditioned by society to live their lives seeking approval - sometimes from each other but mostly from men. We're trained to believe that gaining attention/affection/love from a man is the ultimate goal. So we have young girls starving themselves so they can be skinny enough to be considered attractive. Young girls in inappropriate, revealing clothing. Young girls competing and feeling threatened by each other.  Young girls sleeping with boys because they naively believe it will make them love her.

Young girls who are unhappy, unfulfilled, and desperate. 

I want my girls to live for themselves. I want them to make decisions that are good for them - regardless of what people think. I want them to be strong, independent, and secure. I want them to have standards, self-respect and boundaries. I want them to understand that they are enough - that they are whole and complete. 

So it's difficult having an influence that doesn't share those expectations. And it's not just one comment, it's an entire mindset demonstrated by a series of poor life choices. Which has resulted in a revolving door of men and two children born to two men who were never willing to do anything more than take money and make a visit to the bedroom. And that mindset, the neediness and willingness to do anything to keep a man, is evident in everything. So it's not just one comment - it spills into a lot of responses.

I know that ultimately, the influence is small. But I hate that the seed has even been planted.

So we're looking at sometime after the holidays before I get my life back. That's a long time to go without privacy. A long time to battle annoyances. And a long time supporting someone.

Thankfully, I get Thursday nights to myself. I appreciated alone time before but it's on a whole new level now. I never thought I would be so happy to just be alone and have my own space.  It's like Christmas - I wake up excited that it's a Thursday.

And today I get to have a Saturday alone with the girls. Hubby took his sister to work with him. I think he could tell I was tipping the scales towards cranky. I don't know, maybe the fact that last night I hissed "Your sister is seriously getting on my nerves." might have tipped him off.

So, I'm going to enjoy this day. Not because I have big plans, but just because I can.