Northern Stars

So something happened the other day.

I was at the park with M2, pushing her on the swing when I had a sudden and random recollection of something a former boyfriend had once said to me. And I guess in actuality it wasn't that random - it was, after all, directly linked to my thoughts. But it felt random - that something said so long ago, something I haven't thought about in years, had suddenly floated up front and center in my mind.

Not that having memories from a previous relationship is strange. But it's usually tied to some event, experience, something we've done...not just some random, old, insignificant conversation.  It was weird that the memory was so vivid and clear, like recalling a conversation that happened yesterday. We're talking about something that was said almost 20 years ago. I can barely remember things said last week...

Really though, the memory itself seemed odd. I'm so far removed and disconnected from it that it was almost like recalling a scene from a movie. Like we were characters and that wasn't really me. And I guess, in a way, it's not. Not me now, today. It was hard to recognize that person. For a multitude of reasons. But mainly because that's the thing about change - once you move to a point, it's really hard to remember what it was like before you got there.

But I understand that these layers, these events - all these things in life that we experience - they all play a role in shaping where we are. I would have liked to believe that I walked away from every relationship unscathed, unchanged and unmarked.  But I know that isn't possible. Even if I don't think about or recall the conversations, they had some impact. Not singularly, of course, but collectively they've made an imprint.

This one in particular was a doozy.

Tomorrow is our anniversary so it probably seems odd that I’m talking about past relationships. But it isn’t, really. After all, isn’t it all kinda interrelated?  I mean honestly, the beginning of my relationship with my husband was shaped before I ever even knew him. 

Because I’m a sentimental sap, I dried and saved all the roses I’ve ever been given. When we got married, I took the petals from the roses of former boyfriends and the flower girls sprinkled those down the aisle. Because it really was those past relationships that lead me to my husband. Those relationships were over and gone but they were still meaningful and important in their own way.

And I liked the satisfaction of crushing those symbols of love under my feet.

So I'm dedicating this week’s blogging to past love. Probably not the most entertaining reading but a lot cheaper than therapy. Be scared, very, very scared...