Do It Wrong

After nearly 20 years, I finally realized why I always sucked at dating.

Don't get me wrong. I actually dated a lot. Well, not a whole lot because my dating life didn't really exist until I was out of high school.  My husband has confirmed what every chubby girl already knows - in high school, guys want the pefect looking girl.  And that's one thing I've never been.

It's kinda funny because soon after we began dating we discovered that during his first years of college he worked at the 7-11 directly down the street from my high school. This was during my Senior year and I was notorious for skipping 1st hour and going to 7-11 and getting an Icy with my little sister. This was not a random, sporadic event - I probably went in there at least once a week - not counting all my after-school trips.

No need to point out that correlation between trips to 7-11 and being a chubby girl.  I'm well aware that the two are related. And guess what?  I still make frequent 7-11 trips. So there.

We compared notes, just to make sure we had the timing right and yes, we did - he even dated two girls I went to high school with - a soccer star and a cheerleader. And in the course of wondering how our paths crossed with such frequency without us ever meeting it simply came down to the fact that he wouldn't have paid any attention to me because I didn't meet the mold. It was simple immaturity.

So it took a few years before my dating life took off.  And 'take off" is a loose term.  I had some interesting and exciting adventures but it's not like a had a hot date every weekend. I got semi-noticed, not hunted.

I had a blast dating but I wasn't very good at it. At all. And now, married for 11 years, I know why. There have been a serious of dating books on the circuit that encourage women to be a bitch. Seriously, they even have one titled "Why Men Love Bitches" The premise isn't really that you act like a bitch - it's that essentially you play hard to get. That men are hunters and are only interested if they think they can't have you.

I always thought that was a load of bs. If I liked a guy, I told him I liked him. I called him. I showed interest. But I finally understand - I was doing it wrong!

So you probably don't remember this this guy. But he's been up to my office to see me twice. The first time I sincerely thought it was an excuse to try to hit on me. Yes, I'm vain and narcissistic. But we have a history - the guy showed up at my apartment and kissed me the night before his wedding. It's safe to say he hit on me a few times.

But that was like 17 years ago and a lot has changed.

The meeting was nothing but professional - 100% business.  The second time he came up it was a little more personal (caught up on mutual friends) but again, completely professional.  He didn't make any indication that he was there for anything but business. So I think this really is legitimate. And I feel silly for ever making the assumption that he had other intentions.

Then he called on Friday, wanted to collaborate.  I explain why it isn't going to work but offer to let him put out some literature for my students. He said he would bring it up next week and I told him that if  I'm not there just leave it with someone. Then he says no, he wants to see me. He isn't interested in seeing my staff - he's coming up to see me.  Then as we're ending the conversation he says "See ya Monday and I'll bring a 6 pack of beer." 

And maybe it doesn't sound like much reading it - but I could tell he was hitting on me. And it's not vanity. This time.

And it clicked, for the very first time. All those women who encourage playing hard to get, all the magazine articles advising to not let him know you like him, all my friends that would say "Don't tell him that!" - WERE COMPLETELY RIGHT.

Guys really will like you if they think you aren't interested.

I honestly don't think this guy ever intended to hit on me but when I didn't flirt - I think it sparked something. And I think it was the same all those years ago - he never liked me, he liked the thought of catching me.

Of course this revelation is completely irrelevant to me. And honestly, even if I had realized it when I was dating I wouldn't have practiced it. Even if it works, I think it's entirely dumb to try to act like you don't like someone when you do...like what's the point? You might be able to temporarily catch a guys interest but ultimately, a guy that's only in it for the hunt, will start chasing someone else after they've caught you...