So about the refunding:
It's weird. I kinda knew that morning that it would be a big day.
When I was getting dressed I thought to myself "wear something cute, you need to look good today." Did I wear something cute? No. Not that I didn't want to; I just couldn't fit my fat behind into anything. But that's a discussion for another time...but dang, I wish I had been able to fit into a cute dress.
Not that it's hugely surprising I felt some anticipation - we've known since last week that we would find out any day this week. But yesterday just felt...heavy. I know that sounds weird. But it did. Usually I'm all high-strung happy energy but it was just...different. In fact, I walked into work with a colleague and after exchanging pleasantries, he flipped his sunglasses up and asked if I was okay. It was that obvious.
And I'm not kidding when I tell you I'm lucky. I got a text right before going to a meeting that the slate was out. But there was no buzz on our listserv and I hadn't heard anything. So immediately after our meeting I decide to call the congressional office myself, just to see. And voila - I got the slate emailed to me. That happened to me the last SSS grant competition I was in too - first call and I get the slate. You probably can't understand the miraculous nature of something like that happening unless you get DC politics but trust me folks, it was lucky.
The problem, though, is that once you have the slate you also have people who call/text/email you wanting to know who got funded and who didn't. My phone was blowing up. It was mass chaos. Most people had legitimate reasons for wanting the information but some did not. And if you aren't a Director of the program, I'm not sending it to you. Feel free to get it on your own but I'm not helping you undermine your supervisor.
And then there's the responsibility of knowing who didn't get funded. Let me just say that even though our programs are funded through a competitive grant process, there's nothing competitive about what we do, at least not to me. The mission of our programs is the same - we all seek to serve the same population and have the same goal: provide access to education in the hopes of changing lives. It's that simple.
So it isn't a "me against them" thing. It's all of us, together. And when we lose a program - it's a bad thing. For everyone. For the students, for the staff, for the institution and for everybody that believes that education is a pathway to a better life. It's heartbreaking. Especially when it happens to people you love.
So I'm thrilled that we were refunded. Couldn't have felt any better than when I saw our name on that list. But it was immediately followed by a great sadness for the names that were missing. Being one of the first to know - knowing that as excited as I was, these people would very shortly be feeling devastated - the reality of that is not something you can just ignore.
As I was walking out I got a call from a Director not on that list. I answered the phone with my heart in my throat. When she said my name, she sounded so solemn that I thought she knew. I simply said "Hi X" in a way that was meant to express my love and comfort. But her response was immediately bubbly and upbeat. Oh dear God. She doesn't know.
Word had gotten out that I had the slate, could I send it to her? Yes, I could. Please don't ask me. Please don't ask me. Thanks, where you guys on the list? Yes, we were. Please don't ask me. Please don't ask me. Congratulations! That's so exciting, isn't it? Yes, it is. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.
I absolutely could not tell her. Not that I was afraid to deliver bad news, I just strongly felt it wasn't my place. And I wanted so badly to put something in the email - something to soften the blow. But I couldn't let that be the first thing she saw.
I gave her a few minutes then called. I had to acknowledge her loss. Have you ever talked to someone after they've just discovered something horrible? She was in a state of shock and my little "I'm so sorry. Maybe you'll be in the funding band. I'm praying for you." all seemed so trite.
Then immediately after I got a call from staff that our grant writer had been in, demanding a copy of the slate. He didn't even have the decency to say congratulations. He did have the audacity to then email the President, Executive Vice President, his supervisor and ME to inform us that the program had been renewed. What a prick!
And in case you don't understand why that makes him a prick, let me elaborate.
I just typed about four paragraphs of back story on this guy. But then I decided he's not worth it. He doesn't deserve any more acknowledgement than I've already given him. So just trust me - he's a prick.
I went from this euphoric high, to guilt-ridden and sad to pissed off and angry. All within a 30 minute time span. It was emotion overload.
I'm still ecstatic that we made. Still in disbelief. And in shock that now I'm talking about writing two more grants.
I get one little tiny victory and I feel like I can take on the entire world...
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