Hangry

I need food.

I am dying.

Sooooooo hungry.

I'm working on my APR and I need something to munch on. Something. Anything.

I'm trying to be good and watch what I eat. Usually for me that's literal - watching whatever I want go into my mouth.  And onto my tummy. My round, lumpy, doughy tummy. *sigh

But it's getting out of hand. It's been out of hand. And I've known that but was just kinda ignoring it.

Plus, I think I have reverse anorexia. Because when I look in the mirror I don't see all the lumps and bumps. I mean, my clothes are literally like two sizes two small for me but I still think I look hot. What is that?  

Then I see a picture. And it's like brakes screeching to a halt - Wait, hold up. I look like this? For real? Damn, that doesn't look anything like what I saw in the mirror...

Bubble busted.

So I'm trying.

I've been exercising like a mad woman. Twice a day.  That part isn't too hard. What's hard is walking, lifting or any kind of  movement at all. I had to lift my hands to wash my hair - killer.  But I don't mind that part - it reminds me that good things are happening. And it kinda makes me feel like a badass.

The food is where my real struggle is.  I just can't eat clean. I can't even eat a little messy. I'm full on french fries, chips, chocolate, bacon, tacos...oh my God, I love food.

But I've been counting my calories and saying no to myself. Ugh, I can't tell you how much I hate that - I'm not used to self-denial. Hence, the position I'm in now...

I know most of it is psychological. I've had a banana, carrots, broccoli, and ham - I am not really hungry.

But dang, I could really use a bag of chips right now...