The End Of The Road

This weekend we had the opportunity to spend time with some great friends that we don’t get to see very often. It was so much fun. Reminded me how important it is to have good people in my life.

We were gathered around a fire pit telling stories and laughing until 4:00 in the morning! I knew it was late, I knew we should go but I couldn’t pull myself away.  Even knowing I would pay for the lack of sleep, I just didn’t want the night to end.

I’ve always been that way. I’m the girl that stays for the credits. I’m the girl that’s still on the dance floor when the lights come on. I’m the girl that feels slightly disappointed every time I finish a good book. I’m the girl that listens to favorite songs on repeat. I’m the girl that talks the group into Denny’s, just because I want more time.

I’m the girl that’s never been good with endings.

It’s especially hard for me when I feel things are left incomplete. I need closure and resolution. I want everything to be nice and clean. And tied with a little bow.

I struggle when it’s not.

I guess that’s why I feel compelled to let you know I’m closing this blog.

I've loved sharing my life with you. I've loved sharing  my joys, disappointments, struggles and insecurities. I hope as you read this, you could hear me. I hope you feel that you got to see me as the person I am - an imperfect, loud-mouth girl that's

awkward

ornery

passionate

goofy

bitchy

sensual

spirited

but mostly just awkward.

Of all the things I am, good and bad, I hope that what came across the most was that I am grateful.  I have been blessed beyond measure to have a wonderful family, two beautiful girls, and some amazing friends - all who love me. What more could I ask from life when I have that?

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and read my ramblings. I hope you found some mild entertainment in it. Or perhaps just a reason to say "At least my life's more together than that." Either way, thanks for being part of the journey.

I wish you nothing but love and happiness, today and forever...

Message In A Breakfast

God is so good.  He really, really is.

I decided to grab breakfast this morning. I had barely enough time but I decided to throw caution to the wind and go for it. Plus, I was really hungry.

It was a split drive-through. Those are always kinda a gamble.  In theory it should be every other person to a lane but lots of places have two people taking orders at the same time so sometimes it just depends.

So I played "eenie meenie miney mo", picked a lane and hoped it was the faster one.

The lady in the next lane got done ordering almost at the same time I did so we both pulled forward together.  She was actually already ahead of me so I paused. Then she paused. So I waved her on ahead of me.

Immediately I regretted it. I was in a hurry and I could have saved time by going first.

When she got to the window she took a while to pay and seemed extra chatty. In my mind I was thinking "Let's go, let's go, wrap it up. I could have already been on my way to work by now."

Then it was my turn.  I pull up and they tell me the lady paid for my breakfast!

Here I was being so impatient yet it took her more time because she was doing something nice for me!  Talk about a lesson in humility.

I just felt that it was God's way of reminding me how to move through life. A reminder to be kinder, more understanding and more patient.  So many times in life we react to what's "happening" to us without fulling understanding the big picture or recognizing how it might even be a benefit to us.

Of course I decided to pay it forward so I paid for the guy behind me.  It took her a minute to pull it up and as she did so I looked in my mirror and caught is face.  He wore the same expression I'm sure I had just a few minutes before - like "What is this lady doing?"  I smiled and thought to myself "Hold on - good things are coming!"

I'm sure God has directed that same message to me a million times.

But how often do I listen?

I think sometimes I get so mired down in the guilt of my sins that I don't hear it because I don't believe I'm worthy of receiving his blessings.

But it's amazing because His love isn't conditional. Of course I'm a wretched, awful person - but God already knows that! And He loves me anyway, without qualification.

That's what love is.

I didn't find out if the guy behind me was a "good" guy before buying his breakfast. I didn't check to make sure he met my requirements or passed my test. I didn't know his background, his struggles or his deepest shame. And the lady that bought my breakfast knew nothing of me either (or she might have thought twice). All she knew was that she wanted to take care of a stranger.

Isn't it amazing that even knowing ALL our dirt, that's what God wants too?

Phone Home

I grab my phone and head to the mailroom.

I don't normally take my phone to the mailroom. It's like 17 steps away from my office and I can't think of a reason that I would need it. I mean, I've never gotten any mail that made me so excited I had the urge to immediately whip out my phone and call someone. "OH MY GOSH!  Guess what I got? An...invoice! Eeeeek!"

But I was waiting for an important call that I didn't want to miss. And by important call I mean I was waiting for a girlfriend to call me back so I could share an incredibly catty but accurate observation.  That's definitely carry-phone-around worthy, right?

I didn't get any mail but I did have to pee. So I duck into the bathroom, which is right across from the mailroom.

I step into the stall and...uhhhh, the phone. I could put it on the toilet paper holder but...gross. I'm not a huge germophobe but these bathrooms are too disgusting for me to lay my phone down anywhere. I mean, we're talking about something that I put near my mouth. No.

I consider for a second walking back to my office (about 17 steps, remember?) to put my phone up but I'm too lazy for all that so I did the next logical thing.

I just stuck it down my bra.

I don't normally use my bra as a purse. Besides the occasional piece of food, nothing goes in there except my boobs. Because let's face it - they may be tired and saggy but they still deserve a space all their own.

So I've got my phone stuck in my bra. I don't want to pull it out until after I wash my hands. Because that kinda defeats the whole purpose of sticking it in with the girls in the first place.

As soon as I'm done washing my hands and am about to reach in and rescue my phone, someone comes into the bathroom. I thought it would seem weird to just awkwardly stand there and wait for them to go in to the stall so in a moment of brilliance I decide to just take it out when I get back to my office - 17 steps away.

17 steps. What could go wrong, right?

About 5 steps into my journey I see him. My favorite IT guy, who happens to chat with me every time we run into each other. American Horror Story episode reviews, building home dilemas or motorcycle talk - I've never seen him that we didn't have a conversation.

I'm like a deer in the headlights. I freeze and try to plot my escape. It's too late to duck into the bookstore...we've already made eye contact. Maybe I could just get away with a nod and a smile. Nope, he's zeroing in...here we go...

So we begin a little chitchat. Well, I'm not really chatting or listening because I'm having this little internal dialog with myself. How awkward is this? I'm having a conversation while my phone is IN MY BRA. Women do this all the time, it's not weird! It is weird, it's totally weird.  I wonder if he can tell... Surely not...What if it's poking out and making a bump?  Like I have some weird lumpy boob thing. My cleavage!  What if it's sticking out the top of my shirt? Oh my God, it probably is. I knew this shirt was too low! I should look...can I look without being obvious? Is that weird? Will he think I'm checking myself out? I could just look down like I'm looking down at the - 

I was suddenly interuppted by a soft buzzing.

Oh. That isn't. It can't be. Please Lord, no.... 

Oh but it is.

My phone, that is in my bra smashed up against my boob, is vibrating.

Oh my god! What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?

So I reacted like I do in any uncomfortable situation...I ignore it.

But seriously, what could I do? And I'm genuinely asking - in case it ever happens again. I've ruled out saying "Excuse me a minute" and reaching in there and pulling it out so you'll have to come up with something else...

There was a slight pause but I just looked at him and kept smiling so he kept talking...while my phone continued to buzz.  Oh my god, will this phone ever quiet ringing?  Why does it keep ringing? Go to voicemail, go to voicemail!

I half-heartedly tried to convince myself that maybe he thought it was coming from my pocket. But I am 100% sure he knew.

So never again. I don't care how good the gossip is...the phone stays in the office!