Phone Home

I grab my phone and head to the mailroom.

I don't normally take my phone to the mailroom. It's like 17 steps away from my office and I can't think of a reason that I would need it. I mean, I've never gotten any mail that made me so excited I had the urge to immediately whip out my phone and call someone. "OH MY GOSH!  Guess what I got? An...invoice! Eeeeek!"

But I was waiting for an important call that I didn't want to miss. And by important call I mean I was waiting for a girlfriend to call me back so I could share an incredibly catty but accurate observation.  That's definitely carry-phone-around worthy, right?

I didn't get any mail but I did have to pee. So I duck into the bathroom, which is right across from the mailroom.

I step into the stall and...uhhhh, the phone. I could put it on the toilet paper holder but...gross. I'm not a huge germophobe but these bathrooms are too disgusting for me to lay my phone down anywhere. I mean, we're talking about something that I put near my mouth. No.

I consider for a second walking back to my office (about 17 steps, remember?) to put my phone up but I'm too lazy for all that so I did the next logical thing.

I just stuck it down my bra.

I don't normally use my bra as a purse. Besides the occasional piece of food, nothing goes in there except my boobs. Because let's face it - they may be tired and saggy but they still deserve a space all their own.

So I've got my phone stuck in my bra. I don't want to pull it out until after I wash my hands. Because that kinda defeats the whole purpose of sticking it in with the girls in the first place.

As soon as I'm done washing my hands and am about to reach in and rescue my phone, someone comes into the bathroom. I thought it would seem weird to just awkwardly stand there and wait for them to go in to the stall so in a moment of brilliance I decide to just take it out when I get back to my office - 17 steps away.

17 steps. What could go wrong, right?

About 5 steps into my journey I see him. My favorite IT guy, who happens to chat with me every time we run into each other. American Horror Story episode reviews, building home dilemas or motorcycle talk - I've never seen him that we didn't have a conversation.

I'm like a deer in the headlights. I freeze and try to plot my escape. It's too late to duck into the bookstore...we've already made eye contact. Maybe I could just get away with a nod and a smile. Nope, he's zeroing in...here we go...

So we begin a little chitchat. Well, I'm not really chatting or listening because I'm having this little internal dialog with myself. How awkward is this? I'm having a conversation while my phone is IN MY BRA. Women do this all the time, it's not weird! It is weird, it's totally weird.  I wonder if he can tell... Surely not...What if it's poking out and making a bump?  Like I have some weird lumpy boob thing. My cleavage!  What if it's sticking out the top of my shirt? Oh my God, it probably is. I knew this shirt was too low! I should look...can I look without being obvious? Is that weird? Will he think I'm checking myself out? I could just look down like I'm looking down at the - 

I was suddenly interuppted by a soft buzzing.

Oh. That isn't. It can't be. Please Lord, no.... 

Oh but it is.

My phone, that is in my bra smashed up against my boob, is vibrating.

Oh my god! What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?

So I reacted like I do in any uncomfortable situation...I ignore it.

But seriously, what could I do? And I'm genuinely asking - in case it ever happens again. I've ruled out saying "Excuse me a minute" and reaching in there and pulling it out so you'll have to come up with something else...

There was a slight pause but I just looked at him and kept smiling so he kept talking...while my phone continued to buzz.  Oh my god, will this phone ever quiet ringing?  Why does it keep ringing? Go to voicemail, go to voicemail!

I half-heartedly tried to convince myself that maybe he thought it was coming from my pocket. But I am 100% sure he knew.

So never again. I don't care how good the gossip is...the phone stays in the office!