The End

We are dangerously close to the end of 2011.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I haven't done much reflection on the past year yet.  I'm not sure I really want to.  It's not that it was a bad year - but I feel like I've gotten off track in several areas of my life and it's time to refocus and rededicate myself.  I'm ready to start something new. 

My Mom has some trepidation for the upcoming year...and really, I'm not even sure if trepidation is correct because she really isn't fearful at all...she just believes that the world is nearing an end.  I'm not sure I can agree with that but I do believe the end will come some day...and maybe it will be sooner than I think. 

Either way, it's a good reminder to make the most out of life and the new year seems like a good time to do that...so bring on the new!

Miss You

Ever have a friend that you used to talk to all the time and then something happens and you don’t get to talk anymore?  Don’t you just miss that person like crazy? 

One day something flutters through your mind and you realize how much you miss them, how much you miss being in their life.  Or you see them and get to spend just a little bit of time with them and it really just makes it worse because it reminds you how much more you want or how much things have changed?

I got to spend some time with one of those friends this weekend. 

I took M with me to see The Nutcracker.  We had an amazing time – I was so glad I could share that experience with her.  Her dance troupe just completed their own performance of The Nutcracker so she was super excited.  She was absolutely mesmerized with the dancing. I loved that she enjoyed it so much.

Then I met a friend downtown for some drinks and it was morning before we even realized it.  I think we could have spend another few hours talking if my husband hadn’t called wondering what had happened…I was shocked that the time had gone so quickly.  Of course, we got kicked out of the bar because they were closing, so that should have been our first clue…I still have no idea how 2:00 turned into 4:30.

We had such a good time catching up; he’s one of those friends that I can just really, really talk to.  And he’s honest and will tell me what he thinks without being judgmental…that’s a hard combination to find. So I know that life happens and things change but I miss hanging out with my friend.

Saturday was recovery. Not from the drinks, from the lack of sleep.  That’s something they don’t prepare you for when you become a parent.  There are no vacation days.  Kids don’t care how tired you are - they still expect to be fed and bathed and taken care of…demanding little beasts. 

So we grabbed breakfast at IHOP, swung by to pick up kids and never stopped. We had a fun family Saturday and I got some Christmas shopping knocked out but I was too busy running to catch up on sleep. 

I did manage to get a nap in on Sunday.  I did not manage to work up the energy to run.

Oh, well, what can I do but try again tomorrow…

I Stink

Day two of training done! 

I know it's only the second day but man, it feels so good to exercise.  It's one of those things that never sounds good but I'm happy I did it afterwards.  Kinda like apples.  They never ever sound good to me.  I just never have a craving for an apple.  But then, when I eat one, I always think they taste good. So now you know how I feel about apples. Glad I could get that off my chest.

I have got to get my eating cleaned up. But I'm not even going to address that until after the holidays.  There are too many parties and too many good treats to try to start now...

So I've ran and now I'm gross and stinky and I need to make a quick trip to WalMart.  I am seriously considering just throwing some clothes on and calling it good...I just have to run in for one little thing.  I'll be in and out and done.  Of course, that's when I will run into someone I know, who will want to stop and say hello and chat.  Because that's the way it always happens when you live in a small town - you see everybody when you aren't prepared to see anybody...

Oh screw it, I'm feeling feisty enough tonight to chance it...I'm going stinky and I don't care!

Funky Chicken

Ugh, I am in a funk.  I have been all day. 

The day started off pretty dang poorly - I was in tears before 8:30 a.m. 

And I'm not a big crier.  Is that even a word? Oh well, you get my point.  And it's not hormones.  It was just out of total and sheer frustration.

I thought surely things would turn around but nope, the whole day was pretty much just bad.

And it really kinda makes me mad because I'm usually able to jump over it but I just couldn't today  - there was just too much.

Thank goodness today is my off day because I wouldn't have run anyway. I just don't have it in me...

And It Begins

Today was my first actual training on the Jeff Galloway method. I thought I would start last week but a series of things like kids, holiday programs, and life just got in the way.  This is actually the very worst time of the year to start anything like this - it's such a busy time...but the clock is ticking and I don't have much time so I'm just going to have to make it work.

So let me tell you, Jeff is a sneaky SOB! Looking at it on paper, it seems completely doable.  But running it was a lot tougher then I thought it was going to be.  Tonight was just a 30 minute run, no big deal, right? 

Yeah, about 10 minutes in I was cussing him out in my head. 11 minutes in I was cussing myself out for being dumb enough to sign up for this thing. 12 minutes in I was cussing myself out for every other dumb thing I've ever done. 

Yep, if you ever wonder what goes through my mind when I run it's basically just a mini confessional - it's like I replay ever mistake I've ever made...and the bigger the mistake the more I think about it.  Not like I beat myself up about it.  I just...process. 

Or I do the complete opposite and don't think about anything.  It's weird.

So anyway, I'm running thinking that I am in some SERIOUS trouble because there is no way in hell that I'm going to be able to make 6 miles. But then I look and I'm almost done.  And I've ran over 1.5 miles. Over 1.5! And I haven't ran in...well, a long time. 

I was busting my rear before to work my way up to 2 miles and that was after a significant time of steady runs. So for me to do this on my first night...it makes me happy. 

Soooo like I said, this Jeff Galloway guy is a sneaky SOB because I think this may actually work...

Also, I know that Santa does not read my blog.  Santa doesn't understand blogs - he thinks they are a silly waste of time. But just in case, I want Santa to know that I understand that the tv and computer were our Christmas presents but if he is so inclined to bring me something else...I would really like some new running shoes. Some real running shoes - not some Nikes I bought because I thought they were cute. I could also use some new sports bras...yes, we're both disappointed the girls have shrunk but let's try to protect what's left. And socks. The short ones you can't see. 

Actually, Santa, you know what?  Just get me a gift card to Academy and let's call it good...

It's All Just Stuff

Money is such a weird thing - it's amazing how it changes people.  Actually, I don't think it changes people at all - I think it just reveals part of our deepest character.  Give someone money and you'll really see where their heart is. A generous person will continue to be generous, a considerate person will continue to be considerate...because people who have that kind of heart have it regardless of how much money is in their pocket.

And it's disappointing to see the other side of that. Because really, it's all just stuff. And at the end of our lives, what we've spent our life working to buy will either end up in the trash, or at goodwill, or maybe will be taken by some relatives...so that when they die their kids can throw it away or donate it to charity. 

Because in the very end, it all becomes garbage.

And that's what I really believe - it's just stuff.  But I got caught up in a moment tonight and I don't know...it's so easy to lose sight of what is really important.  I mean, I'm just as materialistic as the next person - I like nice things.  But I also have to keep it in perspective - there isn't anything in this world that I really need that I don't already have...and that says so much.

My husband works himself to death so he can provide a future for our girls.  He wants to make sure that they will always be taken care of...and I love that and appreciate that he is always planning for the future.  But at the same time, I wonder what it will really be like when we die...will they fight over the money we will leave them?  Be irresponsible and blow through it without anything to show?  Will they argue over who gets the painting in the entryway or what to do with our Eufaula property?

Or will they be able to put it in perspective,  look at each with love and know it's all just stuff?

The Importance of Pretty Panties

One of the best things about dating is the excitement. There is something really thrilling about knowing that someone finds you attractive, that someone wants you.  So we date, get in a relationship and then…something fades.  We tell ourselves that our relationship has changed into something more comfortable and assure ourselves that this is a new level, a better level, that it’s normal because the fire and desire can’t last forever.

Yes, relationships change and it is wonderful to know that you have a partner that will love you forever – it is comfortable.  But being comfortable doesn’t mean that we have to forgo the excitement. 

The newness may have faded but the attraction does not – he still, and always will, want to get you naked. 

Really the thing that’s changed is the way we feel about ourselves – we forget how sexy we really are.  We trade our lingerie for terrycloth robes, our tight jeans for sweats, our sexy underwear for cotton briefs…And then blame our husbands for not making us feel sexy anymore. 

Wanna revive that inner hottie?  Begin by wearing pretty panties, and here’s why:

1. Cute panties are the antidote for frumpiness.

2. People will wonder why you’ve got that silly grin on your face.

3. You don’t have to worry about being embarrassed if you get into an accident  and end up being rushed to the hospital– you know the medical staff will be adequately impressed.

4. Your husband will forgive the sweatshirt and flannel pants if he knows there is something better underneath.

5. It soothes the embarrassment of an accidental flash. Yes, it’s still embarrassing but a flash in unattractive underwear reaches mortification level.

6. There is just something wrong about anyone under the age of 50 wearing panties that go all the way to the waist.  Full coverage is fine, but keep it below the bellybutton.

7. You want to feel exciting, vibrant, and saucy…not like a character from the Golden Girls.

8. There is a reason guys enjoy Victoria’s Secret commercials. They are visual creatures; give them something worth looking at.

9. It will make you feel sexy.

10. Think of it is a present. We all know the real gift is inside but it just seems more exciting when it’s nicely wrapped.

I heart Jeff & Carbs

I start training tonight.  I’m going to use Jeff Galloway’s method.  Thanks Brittany for suggesting it!  It’s a run/walk method and it seems like a good way to make it through.  I’m only doing 6 miles but I’m going to train for the half marathon that way I can be in optimal shape when the day arrives.  I think I can do the running part, especially following his half marathon schedule.  I really, really like his stuff!  It makes me feel like this is actually feasible!

I’m more concerned about the food, which I know is an important part of training.  I found a couple of articles that talked about the intake of carbs and the “dead leg” phenomenon.  Which is crazy because that is exactly what happened to me a few times – I literally could not get my body going.  I thought it was probably food related but it was nice to know exactly why it was happening.  It’s not nice to know that I’m going to have to cut out some of my favorite foods.  This is going to be tough – I am such a carb girl! Bread, potatoes, pasta…yep, gonna be dang tough!

So be prepared – you’ll be hearing a lot about these struggles.  But I’ve got to try to do something to keep myself accountable.  I figure if I put it out there then it will help me stay on track.  Although, I really think I need to create some sort of support group or something, maybe get someone to send me a text message oh...about every hour with  “Avoid the fries!” or “Salad is your friend!” messages. Because honestly, I need that much help! 

Speaking of being accountable – I never posted the after pics that I planned to post.  Yeah, about that…well, see, after pics only work if the after body looks better than the before body.  Which I thought it would…but it doesn’t. That’s what happens when you get derailed and sloppy about working out.  So, no after pics.  And you’re welcome.

And I have to give a shout out to my oldest, dearest friend - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  I wanted to share with the whole entire world (okay, the three people who read this) how much I love you and how much your friendship has meant to me.  Thanks for sharing the last 21 years with me – I love you!

Bedlam Blues

Disappointing weekend for Sooner fans.  After 8 years we blew the Bedlam game.  And I mean literally, we blew.  I don’t know what team was out there but it wasn’t OU.  We have way too much talent to play like that. 

Usually I try to be compassionate – they’re just young college kids, they have a lot of pressure to perform, and I’m not the one out there playing…but really?  Really?  That game was just embarrassing.  We could have played better, we just didn’t. 

Here’s the game – would you like that gift wrapped?

Always #1 to me!

OU has won the Bedlam game every year that I’ve been married – guess I need to find another way to remember how long I’ve been a Mrs…

Let Me List The Ways

I’ve been asked to serve as Treasurer for our state association.  It’s time for me to make a decision but I still don’t know what I want to do.  There is a part of me that would like to do it – I believe strongly in stepping in when there is a need and I like being involved.  The other part of me is hesitant for a multitude of reasons...and if I sign on then I’m committed for a year.  I just don’t know…sometimes I have the hardest time making decisions!  But that’s not the only thing I have difficulty with, here are some other things I find challenging:

1. Putting clothes away.  I can throw them in the washer, transfer them to the dryer, and even sort them out but I can’t seem to actually put them away in the drawers.  The positive side to that is when the clothes actually do get put away I always feel a real sense of accomplishment and pride.

2. Anything athletic.  I’ve tried different sports and I suck at all of them.  When I first met my husband he was convinced that wasn’t true; his philosophy was that it was all just a matter of practice. I played for a short time on a church coed softball team and I didn’t want him to come to any of the games – we hadn’t been dating that long and I wasn’t quite ready for him to see me embarrass myself.  One night he came to a game.  I was mortified. After watching me play, he was certain that all I needed was practice. I quickly disproved his theory.   So I accept my role and put my big mouth to use by cheering in the stands – it’s the closest I’m ever going to get to being in the game.

3. Not flushing my toilet paper.  I’m probably not alone on this one either.  My in-laws don’t flush toilet paper; they put it in the wastebasket.  And it doesn’t matter what kind of business has been done – it’s not suppose to go down the toilet.  And I just can’t do it.  I try to be respectful of the way they do things but I just can’t.  So every time I go to the bathroom during a visit I feel like I’m committing treason…and I always have to check to make sure everything is gone after I flush so there is no evidence.

4. Taking over.  I don’t ever mean to, I just have a lot of enthusiasm – I just jump in and do it.  I try to be conscious about it when I’m working with someone but still, sometimes I worry that I’m stepping over the other person.   And even though I will continually ask, I’m not always certain the person would tell me even if they thought I was. 

5. Folding my tongue.  You know how some people can like bend their tongue in half?  It’s supposed to be a sign of higher intelligence or something like that…never been able to do it, ever.  And I have tried! The same with tying a cherry stem with my tongue, which was the ultimate impressive thing to do in high school because it gave all the boys something dirty to think about. Reason #1457 I couldn't get a date in high school.

6. Holding my tongue.  If you know me at all then you understand that one completely.

7. Balance.  I have a tendency to be an extremist – I’m all the way in or all the way out and either way I go full force.  It can be tough because I can get consumed.  And it makes it difficult too because there have been times when I should have walked away or moved on but I was too tied and wasn’t ready to let go or give up.  A positive to the extremist mentality is that once I love you I will love you forever.  Even though I would probably never admit it.

8. Math. I know just enough to get by and anything beyond that I’m not even really sure I care to know; I just don’t have an interest.

Hummm, maybe I should consider that last one when making my decision – math is probably an important skill for a Treasurer to have…

You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Lucille

Be warned: I feel like whining.

I got snubbed during M's dance class tonight.  Not politely ignored but blatantly, intentionally snubbed. And it bothered me.  And what bothered me most is that it bothered me at all.

But it irritates me because I find it so silly and immature.  I don't know, that kind of stuff just drives me crazy.  I'm not taking it personally - there are just two Moms who ignore everyone except each other.  Apparently, they have a limited capacity for friendliness.  Didn't mean to scare you ladies into thinking I was trying to create a BFF dance mom trio; I was just making small talk.  It's kinda someting I like to do - it's called being friendly.

We had studio pictures tonight which meant the entire dance troupe was there and I ran into an old friend that I haven't seen in several years.  I had no idea her girls took dance at the same studio.  I had heard she was pregnant and when I saw her she looked pregnant so I made a big deal about it. 

Except she wasn't pregnant. 

I was mortified.

The only thing that even makes it kinda, sorta not so bad is that she just had the baby - he's only a week old.  But still, I feel horrible.  I broke the number one rule - never, ever assume anyone is pregnant.  It's just too dangerous.

So yeah, the conversation was a little awkward after that.  Which really bummed me out because we used to be good friends and I would have liked to really try to reconnect with her.  After the whole mistaken pregnancy fiasco I don't think she was really into it.

So we make it home with my hurt feelings and foot in mouth and I decide I'll tackle the outside lights.  Go for a little Christmas cheer to salvage the night.

Ugh. That was a big mistake. 

First off, it was cold and dark and I couldn't even really see what I was doing.  I wrap this one huge bush all the way around and it's one of those prickley bushes so it kept stabbing me in the hand and then, all of the suddon, I hear something crawling around in there.  I didn't see what it was, and I'm glad I didn't, but it scurried out and ran off.   Ewwww.

Second, I'm too dang short to try to hang lights without a ladder. And even though we own several ladders, none of them are at our house. I've been told that if I remember to remind someone about them that I might get them this weekend.  But I had already started and I'm impatient so I decided to keep going.  So my house looks ridiculous. There is a tree that only has lights about 1/4 way up because that's as far as I could get them. And my jump and toss method really didn't work out too well because the ones that are on the tree landed all crazy.

Third, we don't have enough extension cords. Or I'm putting out too many lights.  Either way, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have like 8 strands of lights stacked into one exension cord.

And then, as I'm walking into the house,  all the lights in the prickley bush go out...so I spend some time getting stabbed trying to fix them and nothin.  They're just out. Which just makes everything look that much more ridiculous.

I had planned to finish decorating inside tonight but I think I'm done.  I'm gonna go to bed and try for a new day...

Running On Empty

I am crazy.

I just agreed to run in a relay marathon.  Six miles.  I had the option to do a 3 mile leg but did I decide to do that? Nooo, not me - I wanted something more challenging. 

What have I done? 

I have until May to get ready but I’m not even sure where to begin…I am so out of my league.  Really, 3 miles probably would have been pushing it.  And I’m going to try to run double that?  And try to run it well?  I am seriously scared. 

I’m going to get online today and find some kind of runners meal plan…I know I need to clean up my eating.  And that’s gonna be tough because I eat horribly. And I’m going to have to find some kind of training guide or something to help me get run ready.  I mean, I know it’s more than just jumping on a treadmill and hitting the start button.  Do I need to start running every day?  Do I concentrate on distance or speed?  What kind of goal timeline should I set?

And goodbye sodas.  I’m starting to wean myself off today…my goal is to be soda free by the end of the week and to stay off of them until after the marathon.  That’s gonna be huge – the longest I’ve ever gone has been about 2 months.  I don’t know why that’s such a vice for me but it is…

So this whole thing is going to be tough for me and I’m a little freaked out.  But I’m excited too – just to do something I never thought I would do, just to see if I can.  I like doing things like that – it keeps my spirit strong.  Now I just gotta hope I can get my body strong too…

Thanksgiving List

Tomorrow morning we are off for no man's land - going to spend a few days in the middle of nowhere visiting the in-laws for Thanksgiving.  Literally, there isn't anything around, except the highway.  Which means no computer and no internet so I'm sharing my Thanksgiving list early.

I goes without saying that I'm most thankful for my family.  I'm lucky to have a husband that works hard in order to build for our future.  A husband that makes sure my birthday, our anniversary and Christmas are always extra special for me - not because he thinks it's important but because he knows it's important to me.  A husband that doesn't always "get" me but that always loves me.

I'm thankful that I have been blessed with two very smart and funny girls who fill my heart and keep me laughing.  They really are my greatest joy.  I'm also very fortunate to have such a loving and close extended family.  "The Family", as my husband affectionately refers to them, has provided a foundation of love that has enable me to be a well-adjusted, confident, and happy individual.

Of course, my family aren't the only people who have influenced me or shaped me in some way - there are lots of people who have taught me lots of things.  So here are a few random thank yous:

J.P. - thanks for loving so well. And for teaching me patience (and making me spell it).
K.P. - thanks for making such difficult decisions. I know those decisions were always made with love.
D.M. - thanks for being so aggressive when you needed to be.
P.S. - thanks for demonstrating such poise and class. I have yet to live up to your example.
D.H. - thanks for teaching me how to do it the right way.
J.H. - thanks for throwing rocks at my window in the middle of the night. I was always glad that I was your favorite.
L.B. - thanks for always trying to understand the other side.
Q.F. - thanks for keeping me focused in faith.
A.L. - thanks for your willingness to help me out whenever you can.
L.B. - thanks for the good conversation.
R.F. - thanks for taking me to my first Governor's watch party. I'm sorry I made us late. Thanks also for lending me your Ludacris cd - I didn't realize it would become a rent to own but after 13 years, I'm pretty sure I've had it longer than you did.
D.H. - thanks for never judging me, although you know enough that you have the right to.
B.F. - thanks for spending hours on the phone with me watching Cops. You were a better friend to me than I deserved.
R.R. - thanks for getting me.
T.F. - thanks for influencing my passion for making the world a better place.
S.C. - thanks for an amazing summer. I can't think of 1995 without thinking of you.
C.M. - thanks for giving me a chance.
B.L. - thanks for teaching me what you knew and making it look easy while you did.
B.F. - thanks for energizing me with your passion.
C.J. - thanks for not having the courage to ask me to dance. And for telling your friend that I was cute enough to call the next day.

Holiday Mode

I'm officially in holiday mode!  We had a little office Thanksgiving today - it was fun.  I used photos from our directory to make silly pictures of everyone and then snuck in and hung them up before we had lunch.  It was funny to watch people as they recognized their own faces - most the time they didn't even catch it at first.  And then I made everyone write down the one thing they were most thankful for and we had to guess who wrote what.  Most the responses were pretty obvious but it was fun. 

What I enjoyed the most was just hanging out.  Last year was our first holiday and I had only been on campus about 2 months so I was still pretty new.  And we were on a different floor, kinda left to our own - there were two other offices but they were large offices that did their own things.  Now that we're upstairs there are some offices that, like us,  only have a few employees so we all got together this year.  So happy we did!

I spent the last 30 minutes of my day breaking out my Christmas decorations.  Tomorrow I'm on a mission to make my office and our tutor lab a fun, festive place of holiday spirit! I don't officially decorate my house until the day after Thanksgiving (or the day we get home from the in-laws since we always visit them during that holiday) but I want it to be done for when we return and I'm so glad too because it's getting me in the holiday spirit!

It's a good thing too - I was beginning to get just a little bit scrooge!

Make It Count

We lost. Again.  I am SO bummed. And frustrated.  Neither of these loses should have happened.  We played poorly and got beat by teams that aren't as good as we are.  A loss is always hard but giving it away, man, that really stings.  But that's what happens when you play poorly and no amount of Sooner magic was gonna help us out of it.  Still love my team though.  But they better win Bedlam this year...

There were upsets all over this weekend - it was just a strange weekend.  And then, the OSU tragedy - the head women's basketball coach, assistant coach, and two others perished in a plane crash.  I just can't imagine how difficult that must be for the families right now. I am especially struck by the death of the assistant coach - the youngest on the plane, she was only a year older than me. She wasn't married and didn't have children, which in a way is easier - but that is exactly why it has struck me. She was so young and there was so much in life that she didn't get to experience.  She never got to experience the joy of pledging her life to the one she loved, never felt the rush of love when seeing her newborn for the first time...it just seems so incomplete.

And maybe she never wanted any of those things.  Maybe her life was exactly everything she ever wanted it to be...but it makes me think about the value of each day and the importance of doing just that - making your life what you want it to be.

I don't have a bucket list.  I know people swear by them and feel they are important and I get the concept but I don't have one and don't really feel the need for one.  If I died tomorrow I would feel that the things I've wanted to do with my life I was able to do: get an education, build a family, and try to make the world a little better.

Sure there are a few places I think it would be cool to visit, maybe a few things I might like to do but if those things never happened I would be okay with that - I wouldn't feel like I was missing out. So I think for me, my bucket list would be just to remember that I have in my life all that I want.

And I'm not sure why, but that's something that is so easy for me to forget sometimes. I've really not been the kind of wife I had hoped to be - I've fallen short in the expectations I had for myself and hurt the person I pledged to love.  It's a disappointing and painful experience to lose sight of what is most important to you.

And so for me, I think about making the most of my life, making my life complete...and it's really simple, appreciating what I have and always being grateful for what I've been given. So in my lifetime, that's what I'll work to do: love the people I love in the best way I can.  And maybe work in a few OU games too...

People Are Strange

I was talking to one of my best friends today about social media and how it's created a whole new set of social dynamics.  It's interesting because I enjoy it in so many ways - I like to be connected, like to share, and I enjoy the kind of witty banter that dominates that forum.  Big fan of witty banter.

But sooo many people don't understand the rules.  I think I'm going to write a book "Why Your FB Post Make Me Embarrassed For You." Or for the younger generation, who feel the need to showcase their every emotion, "I Don't Care What She Said About You: Stop Violating My Eyes With Your FB Drama." Or how about "FB May Make You Brave But It Won't Make You Attractive."

I could have used the last one recently because I had a really bizarre thing happen.  About three years ago I got a random email from a guy I kinda dated a loooong time ago.   I don't think I ever really liked him,  I didn't even really find him attractive but I was 16 and he was only the second boy in my life that expressed any interest in me.  And unfortunately, that was enough.

It sounds way desperate, doesn't it? It probably was.  But boys weren't into me and I liked the attention.  That fact of the matter is,  high school boys avoid fat chicks and in high school, anything above skinny is fat.  And I've always been chubby sooooo yeah, they weren't beating down my door.

So anyway, this guy sends me an email to my work account. Just a hello, found your info and how's life type thing. No big deal.  Obviously, he had spent some time looking me up because he didn't know my married name but that was fine, I think most of us are curious about people from our past.  So we exchange little life updates - where we work, what we're doing, marriage/kids. Standard stuff.

The next week I get a message from him on MySpace (yeah, remember when that was hot?).  I'm sure he was probably trying to get me to friend him so he could see my pictures.  Although I didn't friend him, it was okay because I've looked at pics of people from my past too. Sometimes just to see how they are and sometimes because I'm trying to answer "What did I ever see in you?"

So he sent me a message on FB recently - a short life update. I update him. He sends another. I respond with one or two sentences.  On his third email he explains that he has an 18 year old maid who "services" him while his wife is away and she looks exactly like I did when I was 16, except she is not a virgin. And then he tells me that it makes him think of me when he's with her and that's why he looked me up.

Whoa, hold on there, cowboy.  How do you go from "how are you?" to something like that?   I mean, the guy didn't even try to throw out some subtle flirtations to see if I might be interested - he just went straight in for the full monty.  I couldn't even give him points for being bold, it was so out of order.

So I replied that I would prefer he not think of me while banging her, that my husband wouldn't appreciate any of it and that I wasn't interested in hooking up.
And he got mad. At me. AT ME!

I wasn't rude or anything - I just wanted him to know to save his energy, that it wasn't happenin.  Clearly, he expected a different sort of response because he sent me a scathing email admonishing me for ignoring the other stuff he had written and choosing to focus on those few lines.  Ummm, sorry but that part just kinda jumped out at me. 

Maybe he thought I would appreciate, even be grateful  for, the attention.  But it's been a long time since high school...

Back In The Saddle Again - Again

Just got off the treadmill. Nothing impressive tonight but my expectations weren't too high.  I knew it was gonna be ugly.  But only for a minute - and then I'll be at the same spot where I left off.  I'm still committed to working my way to 5K - even if I don't have one to run.

I'm also going to start back with the strength training - doing the P90 again. I miss it and I miss the teeny tiny little bitty muscle I had just started to develop.The last few months I was focusing on running and that got put to the side.  I kinda have difficulty incorporating more than one thing...but I'm going to try! 

And I'm timing this perfectly because the way this will probably work is that I'll firm up and get toned just in time for big, bulky sweaters...oh well, it will be my own special Christmas present to myself, right?

I Only Need One

Guess who just realized that she took her earring off this morning while on the phone and never put it back in?  Yep, I've been walking around most the day with one earring. 

And it's a large earring so I think it was probably pretty obvious...good thing I don't mind looking silly.

For your amusement...

Monday Madness

I thought I would be on the treadmill right now. That was the plan. And yet...here I am.  I've really, really gotten out of routine.  I would have no problem getting back to it but I can't seem to keep from putting food in my mouth.  And I cannot run unless I wait a couple of hours after eating -it just doesn't work for me.  So here I am.

It was a little late but we spent the weekend celebrating my birthday. I had a fantastic time - we did a little shopping, had a fabulous dinner and then went to see Ron White.  He was really funny but his material has changed a bit.  Maybe my expectations were just too high but I almost think his older stuff was better...it doesn't matter though, I still had a great time.

We got to "meet" him after the show.  And I did not have high expectations for that; I knew exactly what that would be - you stand in line, they shuffle you through and you two seconds to smile for a quick picture.  Unfortunately, not everyone knew how it worked and I think they actually thought they would be hanging out with him.

This one woman clearly thought she was the most attractive woman in the room.  And she probably was.  But to me it's a 10 point deduction for making it obvious you feel that way.  I don't know, maybe if I was in that position I would feel differently...but it seemed unattractive.  Anyway, she sauntered up to him and asked him for a kiss.  He politely said no. So she asked him for a kiss on the cheek.  He said no again and mentioned his wife.  And she leaned into him, tilted her head down, put on a pouty face and said "she wouldn't mind on the cheek, would she?".  And he said no again and she finally got it.  It was so embarrassing!

But I'm like, really lady? You're trying to come on to a married man in front of all these people?  A famous married man. Whose brother-in-law was standing right there. Honestly, even if he had wanted to hook up with her what was he suppose to say?

When we made it back to the hotel I jumped in the jacuzzi tub.  It was in the room by the bed so you could soak and watch tv...awesome.  It was so relaxing.  So relaxing that I feel asleep. Totally asleep, not like drifting off a little but totally out.  I know I was in there for over an hour and if the water hadn't gotten cold I probably would have stayed longer.  I was so shriveled it was to the point of disgusting.

We left a little earlier than we thought we would the next morning so I missed the all you can eat KFC. I don't know why I was so excited about that.  Actually, I know exactly why I was excited about that...Next time I am inTulsa that is definitely on my list!

We had my nephew's birthday party that afternoon so it was nice to get to hang with the family.  I see them all the time but that doesn't stop me from enjoying them.  I really love my family.

My niece got baptized on Sunday so that was a big deal.  I let M come to "big church" so she could see it.  Afterwards we all went to lunch and that niece rode with me.  In the car she was saying she smelled like chlorine and M says very matter of factly,  "I'm never gonna do that babtism, never ever. Because I don't want to smell gross." She's so crazy.

So tomorrow it is back to the grind...I had a short day today because M2 had a doctors appointment. Which I forgot was scheduled for today.  Ugh.  I really suck at the working Mommy thing. Lord help me when they both get big enough to have activities...we're all gonna be in trouble.

I think we'll be back in routine tomorrow - I need it.  I haven't worked a full week in two weeks so I'm all kinds of messed up and behind at work.  I'm going to hit it extra hard tomorrow.  I plan to bury myself in my office and get caught up.  Wish my luck, I'm gonna need it!

Reunited And It Feels So...Good?

Almost a month ago I made the decision that a trial separation was necessary. There wasn't any drama, no specific event that spurred the decision - I just felt like taking a break.  Although I wasn't certain, I suspected it would be temporary and that I would desire a reconnection fairly quickly. And last night it happened. 


I took a step towards reconciliation and logged on.  It's been a rocky road and we've had our challenges but I think we're at a good place so I'm officially back together with fb and twitter.


When I first deactivated, I really didn't think it was a big deal. Seriously, I just felt like disconnecting for a minute. I didn't even think about anyone noticing.  And who would care that much even if they did? 


But the reaction I got was kinda interesting.  I think there was more interest in why I wasn’t on fb then if I had gone through a real separation.  I guess it’s easier to understand the reasons for a divorce than it is to understand the reasons someone might get off fb…


I don’t know; it was a weird phenomenon.  Okay, that’s really strange for me to type because I cannot pronounce the word “phenomenon”.  So now I’m sitting here trying to say it…and my mouth will not work.  I can hear it in my head but my mouth has a mind of its own…and she’s a stubborn little thing.

Anyway, it was just strange and made me realize that there are some friends in life that check on you because they love you and some friends that check on you because they want an interesting story.  I still love both kinds of friends but I think it’s important to recognize the difference between the two.

Here are some other observations I’ve made the past couple of days:

I may need some sort of psychological intervention.  See, sometimes after I have a conversation where I feel like I sounded like an idiot (it happens more than you would expect) I replay the conversation in my head and I repeat whatever it is that I said that I found to be embarrassing or stupid.  Like shaking my head going “Oh my gosh, I cannot believe I just said that.” 

But what I realized is that sometimes, when these little scenarios are playing out in my head I am actually kind of repeating the conversation...Out. Loud. 

I’m thinking this is probably not very common and could be cause for concern.  I don’t generally see a lot of people walking around talking to themselves. And when I do, I clutch my purse a little bit tighter and move to the opposite end of the sidewalk. Because the people I see doing that always seem a little….unbalanced.  So I’m not sure what to think about that…

I’ve also been aware lately that not everyone appreciates a dirty sense of humor as much as I do.  I try not to be crass but honestly, I’m just a teeny tiny bit on the perverted side when it comes to humor.  I mean, Ron White is my all time favorite comedian…that says a lot.  And it isn’t intentional – my mind just goes there.  Essentially, I have the sense of humor of a 15 year old boy…and quite honestly, probably the sex drive to match.  So forgive me if I laugh when you say something that could even remotely be misconstrued as sexual. Because I will take it that way.  And I will laugh.  Remember the Schweddy ball skit from SNL? Yeah, that was made especially for people like me.

I also need to be more careful about my wardrobe selection and how I handle myself when wearing said attire.  I will spare you the gory details.  Let’s just say I owe a “You’re welcome” or “I’m sorry” to a truckload of construction workers, depending how you look at it.

I’m off to overanalyze what I’ve said while snickering about that phallic shaped cookie and letting my skirt blow up while I get into my car.  But if you see me mumbling to myself at least you’ll understand why…

A Long Week

What a whirlwind of a week!  So much good and bad, so many ups and downs - and everything in between.

I am so grateful that I made the decision to attend the funeral.  I'm embarrassed that it was even a consideration that I wouldn't.  I was just too wrapped up in what I "had" to do, too wrapped up in my own life really.  And that's horrible.

There was a lot of chaos and disorder in planning the trip - no one knew if they were going to go until the last minute, we all had different flights, we had to coordinate travel to/from airport and hotel.  It was just a lot.  There was also a lot of anxiety about how our other family, whom none of us had met, would receive us. None of us knew what kind of environment we were walking into.  And then, of course,  there was the issue of my Dad.  And that's always stressful and unpleasant.

So there was a lot of anxiety, a lot of emotion.  Everyone was on edge.  But it turned out to be a good experience.  The travel  fell into place, we were welcomed with open arms, and the funeral service was so touching.  It's an amazing family and I'm so glad to have connected with them - they are such wonderful people.  And it was so good to hear stories of my granddad - so many things that I didn't know.  And there is still so much more to find out.

While we were there, after almost 20 years, we got to visit our Aunt.  Isn't that crazy?  20 years is a long time! I've maintained a relationship with her through email but it's not the same.  It was so weird to finally see her again.  And it's funny because my image of her was from 20 years ago and I'm sure it was the same for her. She must have been shocked at how much we've changed. And aged.  I know I've put on a few years... I mean, I wasn't even able to drive the last time I saw her! 

20 years later...

Hugs!

It was also really great just to spend some time with my husband and sisters.  Although the circumstances were bad, we still really enjoyed each other.  We were all experiencing stress, anxiety and grief but we pulled together and it made us bond even more.  No bickering or annoyances...at least from my part.  They might have something different to say about me regarding the annoying part....but I know the experience makes me appreciate and love each of them even more than I already did.

This is what my hubby does when I'm being too  loud...

Me and my baby sis...

 

Part of my prank. Yes, it is suppose to look like dirty toilet paper...



And how ironic is it that we fly to southern California only to be greeted with wet, cold weather (colder than Oklahoma) and then to have earthquakes back home...it was so strange!

We flew in and the next morning it was off to conference.  I felt out of the loop coming in at the end of it but that was better than not being there at all.  And it was all handled and taken care of - L.R. did an excellent job getting the exhibitors set up.  Really, she handled it all.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to present.  My co-presenter lost her voice.  Just gone.  And that's kind of important when you're giving a presentation.  We decided we'll do it next year.  And we've talked about even doing it at our national conference.  We shall see...

The best part of the conference, however, was getting to see some dear friends and getting in a little time with them.  We had a wonderful lunch today and then we made a visit to Pinkitzel. I had actually never been...I know, I know - how could I not go when I live so close?  It's pretty simple: little self control and visiting cupcake places is not wise so it's just best to avoid altogether.  It was a good cupcake but I couldn't finish it - it was waaay too sweet. That actually was a good thing though - I was still full so I had a really, really small dinner.  Who knows, I may start having a late afternoon cupcake each day, just to keep the late night eating to a minimum....

A box full of temptation...

It's Oooookaaaaay

I seriously need some help.  Please, someone come take some of this dang Halloween candy out of my house and away from my reach!  I have done nothing but eat for at least 4 days straight.  If it fits in my mouth then I have consumed it...binge galore.

A stress eater (yep, that would be me) and stress (yep, pretty much surrounded by it) plus all kinds of Halloween junk makes for a very dangerous situation.  It is also making me fat. Or fatter, depending on your perspective.  Either way, I am positive I have gained about 5 pounds.  And I am really not exaggerating.  I don't have a scale but I feel bigger and my clothes are a little snug.   Oh the joys of stress eating...

And don't ask me why I'm on the computer...I should be packing. Getting the girls packed.  Finalizing conference things.  Wrapping up some work things. Cleaning my house.  There are a bazillion things I should be doing...but I'm not.  I'm in so-overwhelmed-screw-it mode.  Or something like that.

We did decide to attend the funeral. Nothing better than last minute travel! It's just been so crazy the last few days getting everything in place and trying to coordinate plans, kid arrangements, and all the other stuff that goes with it. 

I did find someone to take care of the conference things for me - I am SO fortunate to have such great friends.  Really, what would I do without the amazing people in my life?  Thank you dear, sweet, and completely capable L.R.  I owe you.

I am trying my hardest to make sure everything is in place and set...I just feel so bad about having someone step in at the last minute and I am worried that I'm going to forget something or something will happen and she'll be stuck with a mess.  I can't stand the thought of doing that to someone. 

And I hate that I won't be there to meet and greet my exhibitors.  I've been working/corresponding with these people for several months - some of them I worked with last year - so I feel we've built relationships.  And I had planned to have these cute little packages for each of them...and I was going to make personalized TRiO thank you cards...I love doing that kind of stuff.

Yeah, that won't be happening - I just don't have time. 

I've got to let it go and just realize that it's okay if it doesn't get done. It's oooookaaaaay. You have to say it really slow - somehow that's suppose to make it sound more believable, didn't you know?

So it's after midnight and the hourglass is draining away...I really need to get our packing done.  I'm pretty sure I just heard the dryer stop.  Which is something strange and completely random but my dryer doesn't have a buzzer. Am I the only one that thinks that's weird?  I mean, how are you suppose to know when the clothes are dry?  It's not an exceptionally noisy dryer so it's heard to hear unless the laundry door is open and it's just dead silent, which is like never.  And that would be why my clothes are always wrinkled.  Well, that and my lack of domestic skills.

Going to get the clothes, throw them together and get packing off my list because I've got some serious work to do.  But I'm not going to worry, it will all be oooookaaaaay.

Decisions

I've been in a little "mood" the last few days; just a lot on my mind and I'm trying to process everything.  Sometimes it's harder for me to do than you would think...

I'm torn.  Roy's funeral is next weekend and I would really like to go.  Because of my childhood (more on that some other time) I grew up with a very different perspective on death and funerals.  I recognize that they are really for the living and yet that knowledge doesn't diminish my desire to pay my respects and get some closure.

I didn't get to tell him goodbye.  I never got through on the phone; I'm assuming he was already past the point of coherence by the time I was told about his condition.  I did leave a heartfelt and emotional message expressing my love and appreciation for the time we had together.  I hope, and would like to believe, that it was played for him before he passed. 

Obviously, finances are a factor.  Initially the tickets I found were about $1,100 and that doesn't include rental car, hotel, or food.  Benny was able to find a package deal for about $850 but we would have to stay until Sunday and I have some conference obligations.  My older sister is flying out and she got super cheap airline tickets but she's staying until Tuesday...it's always cheaper to fly during the week as opposed to the weekend. 

I'm just not sure how I would feel about passing my responsibilities off...or who I would pass them off to.  If I was just attending the conference it wouldn't even be a factor but I committed myself and feel the need to follow through on what I signed up for...and since the funeral is on Saturday the earliest I could fly home would be Sunday so I would miss at least one day. 

There is a part of me that feels like none of that should matter, that I shouldn't put these things first.  And a part of me would be relieved because there is someone at the conference that I would prefer not to see and it's unavoidable that there will be some, although as minimal as I can make it, interaction...I generally try to avoid people who dislike me.  But still....my sense of responsibility overrides that.

And then I feel guilty about putting work before people - something I try really hard not to do.  So I am torn and bothered and unsettled.

I'm off to church, going to pray and hope that I receive some direction...

BOOMER SOOONER!!

I am so tired of hearing about the game. I know, I get it – OU lost. Now, can we just get over it please?  The game was Saturday.  Saturday people!  Today is Wednesday. Don’t you think that’s enough time to lick your wounds and move forward?

And man, everyone has a theory and an opinion.  Today on the Sports Animal a caller was rambling on about how “kids today just don’t have a work ethic.” He actually said our players “don’t know what hard work is.” Are you freakin kidding me?  I’m sure that guy has no clue what’s it’s like to be a college athlete.  How much of their time and energy – their life – they devote to their sport.  It’s insulting to me that he would imply those boys don’t work hard.  They all work a lot harder than I did when I was in college.

And the next caller was just as bad – he blamed the loss on the arrogance of the players.  Are our players arrogant?  Sure.  But let’s be honest – the players of most college teams are – how could they not be?  They’re like gods on their campuses.   In addition, they get their egos pumped and feed before (and sometimes after) each game – they’ve got to in order to come out on the field feeling like they can get a win.  Our boys are not arrogant because they’re “OU” – they’re arrogant because that’s the nature of the beast.  Do I think we may have underestimated Texas Tech? Sure.  But we’ve done that before and when we realized that the team we were playing might actually be competition, we pulled it together and got a win.  Didn't anyone see the Kansas game?

The fact is, we lost for one reason: we played poorly.  That’s it. No big mystery.  We just didn’t play well.  It happens.

Fortunately for OU it doesn’t happen often.  And it’s a good thing too because another loss and we’ll drop another quarter of our fans. Seriously, one game and the tide has changed. 

Sunday I put on my Sooner shirt and wore it with pride. Yes, we lost but this is my team, these are my boys and I will shout Boomer Sooner until the very end! 

SOONER PRIDE!

On Again

It's been 5 days since I've ran. That's the longest I've gone in a while...I'm only running every other day but my run day fell on Friday and since we were out of town it never happened.  I really didn't plan for it to either - I didn't take my running shoes.  Besides the fact that I'm not sure where I would run, I knew I wouldn't be able to get it in.  Nope, I was too busy hanging out and eating.  Because, well, that's what my family does.  Laugh and eat - that's about it.

Monday was suppose to be my big day back on the treadmill but I accidentally forgot and ate some Cheetos right before I was suppose to run.  Isn't that strange?  I was putting some things away and I mindlessly started munching on them.  I wasn't even really conscience of what I was doing ...I think that was a residual effect from the weekend. I was in eat mode.

So tonight I ran.  I didn't get 2 miles, although I feel like I could have if I would have pushed myself.  But I still feel really good - I ran strong.  So I'm sitting here pumped from the run, trying to cool down.  I'm all gross and sweaty and I get that this is completely disgusting but being hot and sweaty makes me feel...well, hot.  But in the different kind of way.  Pretty gross, huh?  I'm sure it's so super attractive too.

I am going to take a chance and track down the hubby and see if I can't convince him to go for a second round of exercise.  Because if you do it right, it should count as a workout...

Purple Pants Eater

So I’m tired of the heavy blog material and thought I would brighten it up by sharing something fun and silly…but I got nothin.  So I guess I will go with boring and random instead…

I’ve been on a wild shopping spree lately – really, this month I went a little crazy.  Clothes for me, clothes for Benny, clothes for the girls…I’m a thrifty shopper so it wasn’t too bad but I need to reign it in before it becomes a habit.  And I need to get rid of all the clothes I have that I don’t wear – although it seems like as soon as I get rid of something I suddenly want it. 

I had a purple suit that I used to love…I know it sounds hideous.  For some reason I just had an image of MC Hammer in a bright purple suit pop in my head…but it wasn’t like that at all.  I loved that suit.  Well, I haven’t been able to wear it in years. Years.  And it hung at the back of my closet, neglected and sad. 

At random times I would pull it out and try it on.  Because if clothes hang long enough sometimes they magically stretch and suddenly fit, right?

So I was in one of my purge modes and I threw out a bunch of clothes that I couldn’t wear.  I just got tired of seeing all these clothes that my body was too big to fit into – even when I was sucking in.  So I took three huge bags to goodwill.

 Now I’m just the size to wear all that stuff.  Not that I’m so much smaller or anything – it’s just when you’re short you can’t carry any weight.  There isn’t any place for it to go, except out.

So I randomly found the jacket in my closet last week.  I was so excited – I threw it on and it fit.  I was so stoked. But wait, the pants.  Where are the pants?  Pants are important.   Unless you’re a celebrity and then it’s perfectly acceptable to go out in public without pants – just wear stockings and a hat and they’ll praise you for being fashion-forward.  For the rest of us, well…trust me, you don’t want to forget the pants.

So the stinkin pants are nowhere to be found.  I looked everywhere.  And then I remembered.  I saved the jacket, thinking that I could still wear it.  That’s one of my little chubby chick tricks – if a shirt or jacket is too small, who cares!  Unbutton it and wear it anyway.  So I guess I was applying that rule in this case…but now I have a random purple jacket that won’t really look right with…anything.

But I am not getting rid of that jacket!  The minute I do the pants will randomly appear.  Let’s just hope that when that happens I’ll still be able to wear them…

Circle of Life

The same weekend that I get news one life is close to ending, I celebrate a life that is just beginning: my baby turned 2. 

It hardly seems like two years has passed since she's come into my life - what a whirlwind it has been.  And it was from the very beginning.  I remember so vividly laying on the table when she was delivered, hearing the doctor say something about her being breech and the cord being triple wrapped and feeling the atmosphere in the room change.  I could feel her being delivered and then nothing. Silence.

I didn't panic.  At first.  I thought my concept of time was skewed, that any second she would cry.  But then I knew too much time had passed and nobody in the room was saying anything.  And then a sudden and overwhelming rush of fear.  And I started to cry.  And I was asking Benny what was wrong - he kept saying she was fine but I could see in his face that he was worried too.  The anesthesiologist leaned down and said something that was meant to be reassuring but it was too vague and carefully worded to offer any comfort.

And then, after what seemed an eternity,  a tiny little cry.  It was low and deliberate.  And furious.  She had made her entrance and that little stinker was stubborn and demanding from the very beginning.

Afterwards the doctor told me that her angel was watching out for her that day - I have no doubt  that is true.  Sometimes when I'm playing the worn out, over-worked and frazzled Mom, I forget how grateful I should be.  I forget how hard I prayed to hear that first cry. I forget about all the Mommy's who weren't so fortunate.

So to my beautiful baby girl - thank you for bringing me so much joy and happiness.  I love the way you scrunch your nose when you smile, how you dance every time you hear music, how you sing your ABC's, and how you say "Hi!" to every single person you meet. You've brought me joy beyond measure and I'm so lucky to be your Mommy.  Happy birthday - I love you from here to the moon!

My last pregnant picture...ever



Our first day together...




And baby makes four...



Break Through

Guess who just ran 2 miles?  You got it - this little blue eyed babe right here!

Okay, so I'm really not a babe but I did just get in two whole miles.  I had a pretty slow pace (3.5) but I was consistent and kept that pace the entire time - except for the very end and then I bumped it up to 3.7,  just because...and I finished it off with a half mile cool down. 

I. Feel. Awesome.

I was really getting frustrated and so needed to get over that hump. One more bad run and I think it could have become a mental block.  And that would not have been good.

In running related news, I got a new pair of running shoes.  They're actually cross trainers so I wasn't sure if I would like them for running or not...but I wore them tonight and I liked them so I'll probably keep running in them for now.  They are super cute and make me happy.

You can't really tell in the picture but the Nike swoosh is hot pink...I don't know why but I love that.

And I'm on some kind of roll tonight because I've been cleaning like it's the weekend - actually cleaning and not just picking things up.  I love being productive; I'm not sure why I don't do it more often...

I've been in purge mode too - going through and getting rid of a bunch of stuff.  Apparently my phone is in purge mode too because I have lost every single one of my pictures.  All of them.  I took  my phone to US Cellular but there is nothing they can do...I knew that before I even went in but I was just hoping that maybe they could provide a miracle.

I am beyond bummed.  I've lost pictures of the girls, pictures of some trips, pictures of parties and holidays, and even a few pictures that probably shouldn't have been on my phone in the first place...

Guess I'm starting with a blank slate...this time I'm going to make sure and download.

Fall Love

I broke out the first sweater of the season which means it is officially Fall! Hooray for Fall! Football, cool weather, pumpkin patches, holidays, and comfy clothes - I love this season!

Drowning in my sweater...

We're spending the weekend at the lake and this is the absolute perfect weather for it - I'm so looking forward to sititng outside on the patio, taking a long walk, and maybe even some fishing. The countdown to the weekend has already begun!

And in other things related to happiness - I've got a total of 23 vendors scheduled for our annual conference! My goal was at least 15 so I am beyond ecstatic! Man, I really worked to get them too - sales is not my forte! Now to decide what to get them as a little thank you...

It's a super day in my world and I'm celebrating my happinesses with the official Fall meal - yep, it's chili for dinner!