Undone

Well folks, hate to be the bearer of bad news but it appears I'm not well. I mean, physically I'm fine...but otherwise, don't think I'm doing so great.  

Unless it's normal to break down and just crumple like a hot mess. It's not? You sure? Not even for those of us with a little...flair for the dramatic?

That's what I was afraid of.  Weeell, this is no good.

I kinda knew I had reached a point of concern when I walked out of my office yesterday in tears. I actually made it to my car before any fell, which required an impressive amount of restraint. I was doing that weird trying-not-to-cry face. That's not a face anyone can pull off - I don't care how cute you are, it's ugly. I had just opened the door to walk out to the parking lot when it hit me all the sudden I knew I was about to cry. My first thought was " Oh. My. God. Get your shit together!" Sorry about the language, my inner dialogue has a mouth like a sailor. My second thought was "Ugh, now I'm gonna make the face."

I can't tell you specifically what brought me to the point of tears because honestly, it wasn't one specific thing. And it's not even the crying really. Because I'm a crier. Sad movie, sad story, or anything emotional and the tears are on...but generally it's caused by my ability to empathize. And not just because I'm an emotional mess.

And I don't know why - I'm not sure what's happened to me. I can usually cope with stress, with issues, with whatever...but it's like I’ve suddenly lost that ability.  And I'm wondering what the heck is wrong with me because I don't like it, don't like it at all.

Even at conference – I found myself feeling territorial, bitchy, jealous. And that’s not me, at all. Well, maybe the bitchy part. Just a little. But I behaved badly over something stupid and was totally rude to someone that completely didn't deserve it. That's out of character for me as I usually reserve my rudeness for jerks and idiots. But really,  I usually try to handle myself better than that, not matter how I feel. And I still feel guilty for it. 

I thought then that it was probably hormones. Wait, I’m not pulling the whole female card as an excuse–I’m not, hear me out. My schedule is like clockwork  - to the day. But I got paranoid that things were going to happen early. Start at conference? Uh, I don’t think so. So I downed a couple of birth control pills. Take that biological system! In my 38 years on earth, I haven’t learned how to manipulate people but I sure as hell know how to manipulate a menstrual cycle.

I’m not normally on the pill, so when I acted out and couldn't deal with things I chalked it up to the synthetic hormones I had dumped into my body. I figured my system was on estrogen overload. But it’s apparent that’s not it. Somehow, I’ve just come undone.

And I got some upsetting news while I was at conference. Nothing that I didn't expect, but still hard to hear. And it surprised me that I could be surprised by something that, really, I already knew. I'm not sure if that speaks more to my abilities at denial or to my optimism.

Either way, it means that I'm probably going to end up writing our grant. I'm not experienced or qualified - what I am is scared to death. It's a huge responsibility.  I would feel responsible either way, but if I'm actually writing it - it changes everything. If we aren't funded,  I will forever wonder if (and believe) we could have made it if someone else has written. I just don't know if I can do it. And I may not get/have to - we're still playing politics. Fun, fun.

And it's funny that people on the outside feel such confidence in me - like I just want to scream "You're wrong - I'm not as capable as you think!"- because the reality is that I'm not. Here I am, failing in so many ways, and people are coming to me for answers, coming to me for the fix.  Look, I don't know how to tell you this people, but you are in serious trouble if you're looking to me for answers.

So I'm going to take a minute to wrap myself back up and get myself back. This emotional, soppy mess stuff is for the birds...