Cha-Cha Changes

Wow!

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind - so many things happening. I've experienced three big things that I want to share with you. Unfortunately, I have a lot to say about each of them so that means I'm going to have to share them separately. Unless you want to spend the next hour or so reading this thing...No? I didn't think you would .

So my baby girl started Kindergarten.

Meet the teacher gifts!

I still can't believe it. It just doesn't seem possible that she's in big-kid school. How, how, did that happen?  I promise you she was just a baby yesterday. Then, last week I was packing her school bag and putting her on a bus. Five years- BAM!- just like that, gone.

It's scary how quickly time passes. I feel like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and be in my 60's. That's honestly what it feels like to me now - sometimes it's hard for me to believe I'm not in my 20's. How did nearly 20 years pass without me noticing?

It's just the realization that life moves so fast. Just being super aware that the phases of life get shorter and go quicker.  Suddenly we've closed a phase in our life. We're no longer a young couple with small children - we're an older couple with kids.

That's really how I've been feeling about M2 starting school.  When M started Kindergarten, I was worried about her getting lost, being scared or feeling overwhelmed. My heart hurt to think she might need me and I wouldn't be there. My feelings were centered on protecting her and it was hard to let her go.

It's completely different this time around.  I've had the experience and that worry isn't there. What I'm worried about is taking my girls for granted, being so consumed with life that I miss out on them.  I'm struggling with the fact my baby is growing up and it's hard to let her go.

I wanted another one. My husband didn't - "two and we're through" was his favorite expression to remind me of all the practical, logic reasons why two was enough.

So I wished for twins when I was pregnant with M2. I've always wanted twins and this was my last shot. Please be a split egg, please be a split egg...I held my breath at the ultrasound but no luck. So that was it - my last pregnancy, my last baby. There were times that I kinda regretted that but as the girls got more independent I started to appreciate it more.

I focused on the fact that I was done with diapers, bottles and being up all night with a crying baby. Sometimes I see a frazzled, exhausted Mom loaded down with a baby bag and stroller while juggling a squawking baby and think Thank God I'm done with all that. 

But now that my baby isn't a baby...I'm feeling sad that the chapter has closed.

Transition number #1.

7 Day Itch

For the last I don't know how many years (but too many) it's been my ritual to stop on the way to the office and get a Dr. Pepper. I drink the stuff like it's water so it only makes sense that's what I would pick to be the first thing in my body each morning. Hello early morning shot of sugar and caffeine - let's get this party started!

I've made no secret of my soda addiction. And if you've been unfortunate to witness it, you know how deep and ugly it really is. I've tried to give it up a thousand and one times - and I've always failed.

Do you know how hard that is?  To fail at something so simple?

I mean. We're not talking heroin here. It's freaking Dr. Pepper!

And to fail so many times. It's ridiculous.

It makes me feel so weak. Like I have no will power or control. And honestly, I don't - or I wouldn't give in.

I don't even think I would care that I drink a ton of soda every day if I felt like I didn't need to. If I felt like I could give it up. I want to give it up mainly to prove that I can.  But I can't.

So yeah, it's not life threatening or serious and people usually laugh when I tell them I'm addicted to Dr. Pepper but it's a weakness. And I hate that.  And I'm ashamed of that. I just don't feel like it's something that should be a struggle.

So I'm working on it. Tomorrow will be 7 days since I've had a soda. Of any kind - because occasionally I'll flip over to diet o make myself feel better about it.

I've gone longer than 7 days before. I've gone months before. But this time is a little harder because I'm trying to be careful that I don't replace the sugar with other things. That's what I usually do. Not intentionally, but that's what happens. I start to drink a lot of sweet tea, raid the girls candy stash, make cookies...

Day one and two were pretty easy but the last few days have been hard. Friday some colleagues brought in some cookies to celebrate our refunding. I was good and deferred but they sat there and by late afternoon I had one. And it's like opening pandoras box - once I start, I don't want to stop and on the way home I had to call a friend to avoid eating another one!

And of course, I crumbled over the weekend and ate two.  My intention was to bring them to the family but there they were, staring at me every time I opened the pantry. I should have just chucked them...

I'm hoping tomorrow will be easier. At least when I'm at work I'm busy and distracted.

And don't have access to cookies...

Sick Days

I'm at home with a sick kid. Just after 8 and we've already thrown up green twice. Awww, the joys of motherhood.

Actually, it is a joy. Not the throw up part but all the other stuff. And even staying home today, which was the worst day for me to stay home. Seriously, can we not coordinate this sick stuff so it's a little more convenient?  Thursday would work so much better for me.

I started to tell hubby I couldn't stay home that I had this, and this, and this to do but most importantly, the president was hosting the All Staff Breakfast and giving her annual address. And as a Director, I was expected to be there. Expected to be seen.

But then I thought about my little girl. Pawning her off so I could make a good impression. For what? So some people that I won't even know in 5 years (and who probably won't even remember me in 10) can see what a good professional I am? Is that really my priority?

No. It isn't.

It won't ever be.

Was it a great move professionally? No but I've got to treat the things that mean the most to me like they actually mean the most. And honestly, those two girls are the greatest treasures of my life.

And make that three times.

Treasures, I tell ya, treasures.

One Too Many

So I'm on the treadmill at work. That kinda sounds impressive - I've always wanted to be one of those people who could begin a story with 'I was on the treadmill...'. Well, technically, I think what I've really wanted was to be one of those people who say it and it be believable. I had just finished my run (it was more of a sloppy jog but I was out of breath and sweaty so I'm rounding up) when an email alert flashed across my phone. I don't normally open them while I'm at the gym but I was closing out my run program and just hit the tab - almost out of instinct. Or maybe it was the lack of oxygen.

It was from my college president and it had one of those high priority red exclamation marks so I opened it immediately. It was one sentence long. "This is not our Student Support Services program, correct?" I'm confused. And immediately concerned.

I open the attachment to find a letter from the Department of Education informing us that our grant application did not score high enough to receive funding. I look to make sure it's supposed to come to us. And it is. It's addressed to our president and has our college name on the letter.

I'm confused and filled with panic. Did the Department make a mistake? Were we not supposed to be funded?

I have another 10 minutes of walking on the treadmill but I literally jump off that instant and run to my office. The first thing I do is pull up the notification slate. And call a friend at the same time. I'm in such a frenzy that I can't think straight - I need someone to bring me down. I get that way when I'm panicked. I'm like this little wind up toy that won't stop spinning on it's own. It reminds me of this funny scene in Clue (hilarious movie, by the way).

Yep, I am totally Mrs. Peacock.

But she doesn't answer so I continue in my frenzy.

But look. We're on the list. Right there. We're on the slate. What the hell is going on? I feel better but I'm still confused and still a little panicked. I call my program officer.

She asks me to check the award numbers. Of course, why didn't I think of that? Because I'm still spinning, that's why. They are different numbers but only by the last digit. One is 106, the other 109. When I read them to her she says "Hum, it's not good that they're so close.".

In my mind, in that instant, I wonder if they accidentally submitted my grant twice and it got two different scores. I'm not sure that's even possible. And the awarded grant scored 105/106 (Yes, I only lost ONE point! How cool is that?) and this one was 87/106.  That's a huge difference. Could there be a discrepancy that big?

As I tell her no, we only submitted one I skim the reader comments again and this time the word Veteran jumps out at me. And it suddenly dawns on me. Our grant writer (the one that viciously said to me when he discovered I was writing the grant "Well, when you don't get refunded I'll say to them, you should have had me write it.") has submitted a grant application for a Veterans program without telling anyone.

Not only did he not even bother to ask for input, the arrogant SOB didn't even notify the president! I mean, who does that?

The saddest part is that I would have collaborated. I would have shared everything I know in order to make that grant successful. And not for any type of credit, but simply because I wanted it.

What a wasted opportunity.

Thankfully our grant was not impacted and I can rest easy that we do, in fact, have another 5 years of funding.

And it must have been a bonding moment because the next day my program officer sent me a fb friend request...Yes, really. And how do you handle that?  But that's another story for a different day...