Feelin Freakin Frustrated

This day. Ohmygod, this day.

I've been writing another grant. Don't ask me why. I'm a glutton for punishment. I'm actually a glutton for a lot of things.  Apparently grant writing is one of them. Even as I was writing I was asking myself "Why am I doing this again?" It's a good thing I love my job...

So I've been working on this thing since October. And let me tell you, this one was so much harder to write than the last one. Because I have no freakin clue what I'm doing. None. At least with the last one I knew the program - this one, well...I guessed the best I could.

So after months of work, I finally had it wrapped up. When I woke up this morning I thought it would be submitted. But clearly, that didn't happen.

Last Wednesday I sent the grant to our contract grant writer. He offered to review it and I always think it's wise to get feedback. Plus, I think he's probably good. It's unrelated to my assessment, but our paths have actually crossed multiple times - he knew one of my bosses when I did a stint as a congressional intern, also knew my boss when I worked in a campaign office, and we both worked at the same institution for about 4 years. All that crossing but we never actually met.

But when I did finally meet him last Tuesday, there was just something about him that made me feel like he was good. Maybe because right out of the box he knew TRIO. And he made sure I knew he knew. Maybe it was because he asked really good questions. The kind that sorta made me feel like I was being interviewed. Or maybe it was because it was obvious within the first 10 minutes that he's not new to the grant game.

So when he offered to read, I gladly accepted. It was interesting too, because right after he made the offer he acknowledged it was my grant, made sure I knew he wasn't trying to take over and then expressed that I was in no way obligated.  Of course, he did it more subtlety and eloquently than that, but that's what he was doing. It was Handling People 101: eliminate territorial threats, acknowledge ownership and invite collaboration.  Oh, yeah, this guy's good. 

So I sent it Wednesday. I had hoped to get it back on Friday. Thought maybe he would send it over the weekend. Then was just positive I would have it Monday.

Do I just keep waiting? Do I move on? You're holdin me up, man!

And it's awkward too because this really isn't part of his contract gig - this was really just him trying to be helpful. How demanding can I be when he's doing me a favor?

So there's a conversation, he agrees to have it by end of business Tuesday. The end of business comes and goes.

Nothing.

Nothing this morning.

I set a time deadline in my head.

I'm really big into time deadlines. I don't know why. I'm always assigning these secret cut-off  times. And I just arbitrarily make up some random time. Just whatever pops in my head. If they don't respond by 9:30, or I'm giving her until 3, or I'll wait until 4:15...

20 minutes before the deadline, my deadline, I get it with an explanation - first grand baby was born last night.

The good news is that he had nothing but good feedback. The bad news is that I waited a week for basically nothing. Not discounting his effort, but the content of the grant is the same today as it was a week ago.

Of course, I get the assurance of having someone tell me it's a quality grant. Or that he just didn't read it close enough to tell that it's not...

Regardless, it's done. We're ready to go!

Except, we're not.

Because things that should have been done, weren't done.

I am beyond frustrated.

The grant is due Friday. FRIDAY. We don't have time to mess around. We need to work this out and work it out now.

But apparently, I'm the only one that feels that way.

Come on guys, where's your panic?

Can you throw me a bone and at least show some distress? Maybe a little worry? Somethin? Anything?

Of course, I find out at the end of the day. So I'm fired up and bent out of shape and can't do anything about it.

And it's not that I don't think it will get fixed, because I do. In my heart, I feel like it will work out just fine.  It's the eternal optimism that I have - I always think things will work out. It's like I believe I have some sort of a bubble of protection or something that prevents things in my life from really going wrong.  I mean, they can and they have...I just don't ever believe it's a real possibility.

But I'm super irritated that it's an annoyance that should have never occurred. And a stress I don't need.

I was so stressed and annoyed that I ate my entire daily allowance of calories in dinner. 

Now, that's annoying.

I've stayed within my calorie count all week - then BAM, I blow it. And I'm kinda hoping you didn't notice that it's only Wednesday...but " all week" sounds so much more impressive then "two days", doesn't it?  

And I cannot afford to to do that when I am literally blowing up. Seriously.  I look like a swollen tick. A really cute tick, but still...

So for the love of me trying to lose enough weight to fit back into my fat clothes, I'm gonna need everyone that I interact with to get it together.  Because I refuse to driven to another high calorie night!