I Might Be Pregnant

Okay, actually there is no way in hell that I am pregnant but I have had some random, crazy cravings tonight. As I was cooking dinner (Chinese beef and broccoli) I opened the fridge and saw a jar of sweet midget pickles (insert short joke here) and they looked SO good and I wanted one SO bad. But since I was making dinner I resisted. But then about 10 minutes later I had an overwhelming desire for cereal. I mean really, I had to have it and I had to have it right then. That I could not resist. I got one of M2's baby bowls and had some and the  milk was soooooo good. And I don't even like milk. But I could have drank half a gallon if I would have let myself.  And then after dinner I had some pickles. See, doesn't that scream pregnant? But I'm not. And yes, I'm sure.

I have spent all night cleaning the house. I'm in super clean mode - scrubbing the oven with a toothbrush mode. I do that when I'm pissed or stressed or upset. And sometimes just for the heck of it. But usually when I am upset.  And tonight I am upset. Well, not really upset...but my heart is heavy. It's not anything I can share - it involves a student and a disciplinary matter. It's big and will impact the student in a significant way. I've really struggled with it.  I know what occurred was unacceptable and needed to be addressed - to me it's something that can't be tolerated. But there is also a tremendous amount of pressure from being responsible for impacting someone's life in such a way. I don't have a lot of tolerance for unethical behavior - if it's wrong, it's wrong and needs to be addressed and dealt with. And I realize I need to operate that way in order to effectively run this program. But it's never fun and it's never easy.

In addition to feeling bad about what will happen to this student I am also  feeling a lot of anxiety because I'm expecting some confrontation tomorrow. I hate confrontation. I guess everyone does. Not too many people wake up thinking "Gonna have a great confrontation today!"  I can do serious, I can do uncomfortable but trying to deal with someone who is irrational and hyped up on emotion is something else. And it may not even be an issue, I'm hoping it won't  be but I feel like I have to get prepared just in case.

The positive is that my house is clean. So that's a plus. This is especially nice since Morgan's party is this weekend. We're not having it here, no one is going to see the house at all but since we'll be busy it's nice to have it done already. Especially since the week has been a little crazy and I've been slacking big time. We were gone all day yesterday on our birthday date. We took M to see Cars 2 in 3D. The movie was pretty cute. I've never seen Cars so I wasn't sure if I would like it or not.  The 3D was eh. I don't think it was worth the extra money - there just didn't seem to be that many effects. The 3D previews were awesome. They are releasing Lion King in 3D and that looked amazing...I guess I was just expecting the same effects. And M didn't want to keep her glasses on. She said they made everything blurry. That probably would have concerned me except I took them and put them on and they were blurry. Blurry from popcorn butter fingerprints.  She must have touched every inch of those glasses. We had a super good time. But she wanted to pick M2 up from school - she really, really missed her. She's such a great big sister. When we got in the car the other day M told her "I love you so much M2. I love you so much I can't stop thinking about you." She's not dramatic or anything...  So we picked up sister and went swimming. We hadn't been swimming since July 4th. It's interesting - when you can swim any time you want, you don't swim as often as you would think. It was fun for the kids though. Not so much for me. Benny had to run an errand so I was solo. It's a lot to handle when you're in a pool and outnumbered.

Tonight M got in trouble and when we were discussing it I was outlining my expectations and I said "M, you are five years old blah,blah,blah..." and she got this look on her face, kinda smiled and said "I'm five years old? I'm five?"  So after our conversation I said "M, your birthday was yesterday. Remember?" and she said "Yeah, I know it was my birthday but I didn't know I was five!" and she was so super excited. And then she looked at me kinda confused and said "Why was there not cake at my birthday yesterday?" Oh baby, if it was up to your Mommy there would be cake everyday!












Favorite thing to do is play with my phone and take pictures. That gets interesting sometimes.

Her favorite shoes. She wore them all day.

Obsessed with shoes. Wonder where she gets that?

It's a Girl!

Five years ago today I was packing my bags and preparing for a trip to the hospital for the arrival of my sweet baby girl. Actually, at this exact moment I was in the bathroom taking care of my bikini line...I didn't care that I was 9 months pregnant and bigger than a house - I was going to be exposed to a bunch of strangers and it had to be done.  That was an interesting grooming experience which involved some tears, a spatula, and a lot of humiliation. But I digress...

So I went to bed and the next day my life was changed forever. We left our house a little before 4:00 a.m. to head to the hospital. We stopped at 7-11 so Benny could get coffee and I grabbed a Dr. Pepper. Yes, I know that was horrible but I did.  I remember thinking that this was the last time I would ever go anywhere in my life as a woman without a child. It was such a profound realization.  And then I thought it was funny that I had that kind of moment in a 7-11.

We got to the hospital, they got me hooked up and we waited. And waited. And it just wasn't happening.  M was starting to get distressed so the doctor came in and told me that I could keep trying but she believed ultimately I would have to have a c-section. So we changed our plans and I was rolled back into the operating room.

At 2:36 p.m. she came into the world with a loud, fierce, furious little cry. The sweetest sound I have ever heard and she's had my heart ever since.

Happy birthday MJ!  Thank you for filling my heart and renewing my spirit, thank you for asking me why and making me think, thank you for teaching me patience and showing me love, thank you for extra hard hugs and big wet kisses and for every time you have ever whispered in my ear that you love me.

I'm so blessed to be your Mommy!  I love you from here to the moon!

Hanging Tough

I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment.  There is just so much to do; I don’t even know where to begin. And what do I do when I feel like I’m drowning?  Ignore everything and blog!  Because if I just pretend hard enough then it will all go away…

I’m allowing myself 10 minutes to just process and then I’m jumping right back into, I promise. And really, thinking about it I realize the only reason I feel this way is because I don’t have a list. I’m not sure why I don’t have a list today. This is usually the very first thing I do - open my drawer and pull out a Post- it (neon colors are my favorite) and start listing away. By the afternoon I usually have several stuck in various places on my desk or my computer monitor. And I copy them over too because I like starting with a clean list.  So, 10 minutes to process and then I’m making a list and then I’m jumping right back into it.

I had a wonderfully fantastic weekend.  Saturday was pretty low-key. I ran a couple of errands with the girls. We weren’t out too long though because it was so hot and I felt bad about dragging the baby in and out and putting her back into a hot car.   It was miserable!  I felt like being out and just doing something though; we needed a change of environment.  So we hooked up with my Mom and sisters and spend the rest of the day hanging out with them.  That’s always fun.

Sunday I headed off for some girl time! Met up with some friends to see the NKOTB and Backstreet Boys concert.  It was so much fun!  NKOTB was actually my very first concert – almost 20 years ago. Geez, that makes me feel old!  It was just as good this time around. They really do put on a good show – high energy and very entertaining.  And of course, it doesn’t hurt that they are all attractive.  But I will admit that I had to laugh at some of their costumes. I know they have people that handle that but….ohhhhh, it was so not doing it for me.  First of all, I don’t think men should wear hooker boots. You know what I’m talking about – the tight, knee high boots that should belong specifically to the female gender. Unless you’re a jockey, and then it’s okay.  I also am just not a big fan of men wearing sparkly shirts. Or sparkly anything really. Even as a grown woman I feel like I have to be careful about the amount of bedazzled attire I can get away with…anyone over the age of 15 should be careful about that. In their last set they even wore sparkly basketball jerseys!  Oh my goodness, I was cracking up.  Of course, that’s just me. I’ve always been attracted to manly men.  I like rough and tough, which is probably why I’ve always liked country boys.  And it just doesn’t scream tough to be wearing a glittery belt…

But I think I was in the minority because there were women going crazy. It was so much fun to watch – the concert, the fans…it was all one big show for me.  And really, most the women were pretty tame. There were a few who were flinging around underwear…which was interesting since it was apparent that the underwear they had in their hands could not fit onto their bodies.  And doesn’t that kinda defeat the purpose of flinging underwear in the first place?  I thought the whole point of something like that being sexy was the thought that you slipped off your panties and were handing them over – that they were fresh off your body.  It seems like something is lost when they come straight out of the WalMart bag…

I did have a super great time. And we had awesome, awesome seats – second row!  Afterwards we grabbed some food and headed back to our room. I stayed up all night talking with Brina – such a great conversation.   I love connecting and sharing with people I care about.  I think the world of her so it was nice to have that time together.  I’m not so sure Stephanie and Autumn appreciated that we kept them up though. I am so damn loud. I tried to remember to be quiet but that’s a special challenge for me, especially if I’m laughing. And Brina made me laugh a lot.



My pictures of the concert were all crappy because I just took my phone so I won't post those. They really aren't worth lookig at...but here are a few recaps from the weekend….good times!

On the road for some girl time!





The girls - Autumn, Stephanie, Brina and me

Not sure what I was doing with my arm...

Beautiful ladies!

I stole this pic from Brina. This girl rocks!



Notice the crazed fan in the background and her oh-so-happy male companion lol

Expensive Egg

Just got back from washing my car. $10 and a lot of scrubbing later and the egg has been removed. Yep, I got egged last night. One egg, down the back of my Expedition. Man, if I was a carwash owner I think I would pay off teenagers to go around town egging people - that stuff is HARD to get off!  I didn't even wash my entire car, just the egg spot and I had to keep feeding the machine. Of course, the fact that it had been baking all day didn't help.

And I have the weirdest sixth sense. I promise, it's the most bizarre thing. I went to bed a little after midnight last night - and as I was walking into the bedroom I just had this vision of some teenagers around my car and a sense they were messing with it.   Instead of climbing into bed I walked to the window and looked out the blinds to check on my car. There was no one there and then I just kinda brushed it off, had a fleeting thought that I should probably start parking in the driveway again, and went to bed.  And this morning I didn't even think about it. As I was driving to work I noticed something on the bottom of my back window but it was such a crazy morning and I was in a rush to get in the office.  So when I got to work I forgot about it and never even looked. I noticed it as I was leaving the office.  As soon as I saw my car across the parking lot I knew it was egg and I remembered last night. ..it was just weird because I had a thought that something was going to happen!

Like I said, I know it sounds crazy. It even sounds crazy to me. Really. But we don't live in an unsafe area. Nothing has ever happened. And there aren't a lot of teenagers around. Not like they run the neighborhood and mess with stuff.  So this isn't anything I've thought about before - it was completely random. And accurate. That happens to me a lot. 

I don't know what that is but I need to figure it out and then try to use it to win the lottery....

My Hearts On Fire...

Guess who woke up at 6:20? This wouldn’t be so bad except we leave the house at 6:45. I scrambled around and got Benny and the kids sent off and then threw myself together.  I was running behind but I still managed to make it to work before 8.  That’s the benefit of getting to work way early; you can be late and still be on time. 

I was in such a hurry I had no time to find something to wear – I grabbed a little  sundress and threw a sweater over it…not real happy with that decision. I feel way casual.  And I’m wearing flipflops. They’re dressy flipflops, not the plastic ones, but still I feel weird wearing flipflops.

I’m almost done with M’s poem. I have never waited this long to have it done. I usually have everything in place by June, so it’s throwing me off. Honestly though, since I started my new job everything has been behind– I’m still trying to catch up.  But I’m going to finish it today and send it out. Thankful that I was able to devote some time to it last night and really give it the attention it deserves.

We went shopping last night too. Just me and M – that was our first shopping trip together. Grocery stores and WalMart don’t count as shopping to me – that’s just running errands. We had fun and she did pretty well. I got some interesting commentary while I was trying stuff on, I’m sure all the other shoppers enjoyed that.  She was especially loud about telling me which shirts showed my “brawl”.  By the time we hit the second store she was close to being done…but that fitting room had a huge bench in it, so she climbed up on “stage” and entertained everyone with her rendition of Justin Bieber’s song Baby.  Which is really funny because the only thing she sings is “Baaaaby, baaaaby  ohhhhh”. Over and over.  And I literally mean that is the only thing she sings, ever. She’s forgotten that any other song exists. Part of that is her absolute devotion to Justin Bieber and the undying belief that they will get married.

And I totally get that...I must have sang "giddy up oom poppa omm poppa mow mow" over a million times. Of course, I didn't want to marry any of the Oak Ridge Boys. Nope, I was saving my heart for a couple of the guys on my Dad's softball team.

Growth Is Good (unless it's growth of the gut)

Things are rockin and rollin and I am SO pumped! I got some quality academic mentors hired and our tutoring/study  lab is full of activity. I just walked by and they were all just working away.   I LOVE it!  I get excited by the littlest things….but really, it is so rewarding to actually see things coming together and to think that our program is making a difference. 

I am hungry!  This is week 2 (minus the weekend) of Slimfast and after the first couple of days I adjusted to not eating during the day. But today I am starving!  Right now what I want more than anything in the world are french fries. And a big, fat, juicy hamburger.  Ugh, when I go bad, I go REALLY bad.  But I will remain strong and resist…

I don’t think I have lost one pound. In fact, the other day I looked down and my tummy actually looked a tiny bit bigger. What is that?

Half Day

It was back to the Slimfast this week. I didn't do it over the weekend because I really didn't want the girls to see me skipping meals. I know technically it's not skipping, it's a liquid meal, but I still don't think that's a habit or lifestyle I want to introduce them to. There is enough pressure and stereotypes placed on young girls - I don't want to add to that. I try to be really careful about the messages I send.  I don't want them to grow believing their value is in the way they look. I also don't want them to believe that perfection is the standard - that perfection is the only standard worthy of value or love.  If women want their daughters to grow up loving themselves, then they need to teach their daughters how to do that.  Little girls love their Mommies.   They believe their Mommy is the prettiest, most beautiful Mommy in the world. So when they hear their Mommy talk about how ugly or fat she is then she is taught a different standard of beautiful.  So when a little girl points out to her Mommy that her tummy is not flat, she isn't doing it as a criticism - it's an innocent observation she has made about the most beautiful woman she knows.


I have to be careful because I have a self deprecating sense of humor so sometimes I want to say things to be funny and I have to catch myself...of course, I'm self deprecating about everything, not just my body.  And sometimes people don't get that sense of humor. There have been comments from some that don't understand and I guess I can see that they may take it like low self-esteem or whatever...but it's actually just the opposite. I'm comfortable enough with myself to poke fun at myself...in fact, there is no one I enjoy making fun of more. Plus, I know it's safe because very rarely do I get offended by myself. 

Sooo, no Slimfast over the weekend. And I missed my workout on Monday. That was really just a blessing with the whole water issue. Really, I wouldn't have been able to go to work like that - there is just no way. And I really, really needed to be at work.  So, thank goodness for that missed workout.  I did workout this morning, but only half because I snoozed and was running late so I didn't have time to get it all in. We have a really tight morning schedule so there was no wiggle room...

I had every intention of working out tonight but here I am...after dinner, clean up and getting kids to bed, I'm just done.  I'm thinking of my dear friend Brina and her level of dedication and commitment...and I'm thinking I should shut this down and pick up some weights...Must. Do. It.