On The Edge

I have been so tired lately. Dead tired. Like sit down on the edge of the bathtub to brush my teeth tired. Which can sound a lot like laziness but it wasn’t – that would have been just skipping the whole brushing the teeth thing.

And as I’m sitting, brushing my teeth (the tired but not lazy way) it dawns on me that I know exactly why I’m so tired. It all has to do with a magic yellow pill. A little pill I should take every day. A little pill I haven’t taken in…way too long.

I have no idea why it’s so challenging for me. I make sure the girls take their vitamins every morning. Okay, almost every morning.  Mondays can be a bit challenging.  But I do a pretty good job of staying on top of it.

But when it comes to me – I can’t seem to make it a priority.  Even though I know my body needs this to function properly.

I used to do really good, it was just part of my morning routine. I would only get messed up when I ran out because it would take me a while to get a refill. And I’m not sure why that’s so hard…I mean, really?

This time it took me several months. I waited so long my prescription actually ran out and the doctor’s office wouldn’t give me a refill until I came in. But then I told her how long it had been and they called me in a temporary.  And that’s what I’m still using.  Because I haven’t been taking them.

And I swore I would never do that. I swore I was never going to be one of those women let themselves go. And I’m not talking about looks – I’m talking about being so busy taking care of everyone and everything that you forget to take care of yourself. 

I’m not there yet. But this is an indication that I’m creeping in that direction.  Next thing you know I’ll be wearing granny panties, flannel pajamas and crocs…

Lord help me!

Small Fry

Our first school program tonight. I can not believe my baby is so big! It was so cute and they did so good! It's the one time that I'm really glad my girls are runts like me - it ensures that they will always be on the front row.

Although I'm sure that isn't enough consolation for M.  Last night at dinner she sighed kinda heavy and said "I'm the littlest in my class." I said "So, what's wrong with the being the littlest?" And she said "Well, I just don't want to be the littlest. It's not fair."

Um, yeah, sorry baby you've got a lifetime of being the littlest ahead of you...better learn to overcome that disappointment real fast.

Of course, she won't always hate being a shorty.  When she realizes she can date even the smallest of guys and still make them feel big,  she'll be thanking me...

I'm Not That Good

I just read my last blog post and I don’t like the way it makes me sound. It came across as a bit martyrish to me…and  I think it’s a little misleading in a lot of ways. 

First, I’m not as moral or ethical as it seems. Yes, I made the right decision in this instance. But I’ve also had instances in my life when I did not make the right decision. So they kinda cancel each other out. 

I also wasn’t trying to make it sound like I was some super hero for sparing this woman from knowing the truth.  I had just a second to decide how to respond and that was my instinct. But I have no illusions; I wasn’t really saving her from anything. It was before they were married and had happened so long ago that I seriously doubt the truth would have had much impact at all. 

So yeah, I try to do the right thing but I’m no saint and that wasn’t really the point of the story. It was really just about how sometimes things come full circle in a completely different way than you expect. And about how strange it is when two people’s realities clash…

Isn't It Ironic?

I've had some pretty strange things happen to me in my life. I'm sure everybody has. But it makes me wonder: what's the purpose? what was the lesson? was there a purpose at all or is it really just that random?

The summer after I graduated high school I was still working fast food. We were a really close group and we all used to hang out after work and on the weekends. I loved my Sonic family.  There was a guy that was part of that extended circle: he was best friends with a couple of the guys. I hardly knew him but he used to come up and hang out. And he was cute. Really cute. And I'm pretty sure he knew it.

All the girls used to fawn over him. I didn't waste my time. He had a girlfriend and I never imagined he would be interested in me. One night I got a page (remember those things?) from work. When I called they told me to come up, someone wanted to talk to me.  I got there and there was that guy.  He met me at the door, said he needed to tell me something. My heart skipped - I was sure he was going to tell me my little sister was in trouble. She was dating his best friend and she had a tendency to be a little rebellious. I thought it was going to be bad. Really bad.

Instead he said he had a dream about me and that ever since that dream he kept thinking of me in a sexual way. I had no idea what to say. I mean, what do you say to something like that?  So I laughed and said thanks. That was it - I didn't have anything else to say.

So over the next couple of months I got an apartment with one of my best friends and the whole group would hang at our place. And he continued to hit on me. Aggressively. There was a teeny tiny part of my that was flattered but mostly I just understood that I was probably the only girl he had met so far that wasn't interested in him. I knew it had very little to do with me - I had just become a challenge. 

And every time he hit on me I would tell him no, that he had a girlfriend.  I didn't know her - she never seemed to be around. The only interaction I had ever had with her was carhopping her food. But she was really close to all my guy friends and I just couldn't imagine doing that. Not that I was so full of morals but I didn't want to be that girl.  I wondered if the other guys knew he was out running around on her.  I was certain he was - if he was that aggressive with me there was no doubt there were other girls too. I never told anyone, except my roommate and little sister.

Over the next few years I saw less of him but it was pretty much the same. The night before he got married he showed up at my apartment. And kissed me. Another friend of ours was there to chaperon him but he caught me in the hall - it was quick and only once. I pushed him away, told him to stop. And that was that. He left right after, got married the next day and I didn't see him again. I heard from our friends that he joined the military and he just faded away.

Six years later I see his wife. Coming into our office. I had moved positions within our office and she was the new hire. I said hello, asked if she remembered me. And she acted....weird.  It was obvious by the end of that first week that something was wrong. It was subtle but I could tell. Eventually, she told one of our coworkers that we had a "history" and that we hated each other. She even recounted a time that she had called me and cursed me out.

I was blown away. None of that happened - I didn't even know the girl! I was certain she was confusing me with someone else. My only connection to her was that her slimy boyfriend had hit on me. That was it. And I was pretty sure he had never told  her that. The coworker she confided in happened to be one of my best friends. I explained there was no history and told her everything. Her advice was to tell the girl what had happened with her husband. There was absolutely no way I was going to do that. I mean, what was the point? I didn't see any good coming out of that.

So I went along, was friendly and professional and tried to be helpful in getting her up to date on her new job. We attended a conference several months later. We didn't have the same flight but we all three flew out at the same time. So we were at the airport together, waiting to fly home. She tells me one of my old friends just got married and then, out of nowhere she tells me that one of my old roommates was at the wedding and she didn't have nice things to say about me. Before I could even respond she continues and says "She said you used to have a thing for G and used to hit on him all the time." G is her husband.

I was speechless. Literally, I couldn't say anything. She continued on with a tirade of mean, nasty things that were said about me and the only thing I could say was "No. I was never interested in G." Automatically, I just started to reason out why all the things she said about me weren't true.  I was in total defense mode.

But I didn't tell her the truth about him. I didn't say one word about all the times he tried. All the times I said no. Nothing.  I just couldn't do it. How ironic to be accused of hitting on him when it was the exact opposite all those years?

And in a matter of minutes it was time to board. I sat down in my seat and was in shock.  About learning my former roommate was saying such awful stuff about me. About hearing her say I wanted her husband.  I was so mad I started to cry. I was just so pissed about the whole thing but mainly about the fact that I felt like she purposely repeated mean things just to hurt me. I didn't, and still don't, understand people who do that.

We never had a confrontation after that, although there was a mutual understanding that we would just avoid each other.  It was so bizarre and surreal. Nothing like that had ever happened to me.  I've wondered several times if I should have said something. Maybe that was an opportunity I should have taken to fill her in. Maybe it all lined up because she was suppose to know.

It doesn't really matter though: the opportunity passed and I have no plans to revisit that conversation. I know the truth, he knows the truth and she never will. And that's more than okay with me.

MIA

I've been bad about this blog lately. I've actually been bad about a lot of things but what's new, right?

Had a busy, busy week - both at work and at home. I'm trying to gear up to implement some things at work that I feel should already be in place. Not that we're not doing what we should be doing but there's a big difference between good and great. We're trying to move to the great side. 

Best in the state - that's my goal!  Best in the state...without an administrative secretary. And only two full-time people.  This should be interesting. But it's good to have high goals, right?  I mean, because it's not really a goal if it's something that's easily attainable; you're suppose to have to really work to reach them.

I've started outlining what I envision and figuring out what we need to be there. Realistically, I know it won't happen the way I want it to - which is basically overnight. I want things waaaaay too fast. I always have all these ideas and sometimes I forget that I don't always have the time to make them happen. It doesn't really matter though - if I can set it in motion, I'll be happy.

I had something really cool happen on Friday. One of those things that confirmed the importance of these programs. I wish everyone could see what a difference these programs make. For these students to have just one person believe in them, support them - sometimes we're all they have. And it makes all the difference.

I know I don't say it enough or advocate the way I should...I've got to get better about that (another for my growing list).  I've got to put into action what I feel in my heart.  I've decided that I'm going to attempt to write my first ever op-ed. I actually decided that several weeks ago but I'm kinda at a loss on how to get started so I've been avoiding it. But I'm going to write it and send it in before the end of April. It will probably never go anywhere but I would feel better knowing I did a little towards my part.

I could probably get started on it tonight but it's dangerously close to 1:00 in the morning and I'm not sure my tired, drained brain would do it justice. Instead, I'm going to put on my bunny ears and spend the remainder of my energy channeling the Easter Bunny.

Hook Me Up

I’m havin a heck of a time concentrating today. Part of that is because I had a conference last week and it’s always hard for me to get back into work mode after that. Which really doesn’t make sense because I always feel so energized and motivated at conference – it kinda fuels my passion. But I think that’s part of it – I get so hyped up and so enthused and then I kinda have to contain it when I come back to the office.

I had a great time! It went by so fast!  It was close to home so I did the whole commute thing. That really stunk because I’m a social butterfly who likes to stay up all night and talk. Or dance. Or both. So I rolled in really late one night and then crashed with a dear friend the second. If you can call it crashing – it was really just a very short nap. But so much fun and so much love for what we do! I love my TRiO family!

And because I’m a fool without any shame, I ended the first night dressed up and looking ridiculous. Oh well, all for a good cause! For your amusement:

Look who looks 10 years old?

He thinks he's SO funny! Wait until next year buster!

The other reason I can’t concentrate is that I don’t feel real comfortable today. I know that sounds dramatic but I’m wearing a short dress. Well, it really isn’t short but it’s short for me – hits right above my knee. And that’s really short for me.

Not because I’m modest or anything – I just don’t have nice legs. Really, I don’t. I hate saying that because then people always feel compelled to tell you that you do indeed have nice legs. But the fact is, I don’t. And I have no problem with that – but I don’t generally showcase my worst feature.

But like I mentioned earlier, I have no shame so I'll showcase it to you. The legs:



That's a combination of poor genetics and too much McDonalds.

They look better in this picutre than they do in real life - trust me. And I would have taken another picture that more accurately reflected the unattractiveness of my legs but it was a one shot kind of deal. Have you ever tried to take a pictures of your own legs?

So when I threw this dress on I decided to wear some fun shoes. The shoes I love. But they may be a little too sassy and with the short dress because I’m feeling a bit hookerish.



The corset ties may be a bit too much...



Our campus is located very close to a military base and there are always military men sitting in the common area outside our office. Which I have to walk through to get to the bathroom. So today, each and every time I walk by I feel like a tramp staking her corner.

Tomorrow I’m wearing pants!

April's Fool

I cannot believe it is already April.

How? How did that happen?

I need 2012 to slow down. Like right now. I'm going to blink and it will be all over. M is already talking about her birthday. That girl loves a party, just like me. This is the year of the 3's for us - I will turn 36, M will be 6 and M2 will be 3.  Our ages won't fall into another pattern again until I'm 66. Yes, I'm nerdy enough to put thought into it.

In addition to my love of celebrations, I also have a deep affection for pranks. Love the fun of them, even when I'm the victim.

One year I was in the shower when the phone rang. It was back in the day when people actually had answering machines. I let the phone ring though but the person immediately called back. It was Benny. I could hear him telling me to pick up but I just thought I would call him when I got out. Then he called again and sounded like it was urgent - I was telling me to pick up the phone right then, that he needed me to answer the phone. I knew it was an emergency. 

I jumped out of the shower and ran for the phone.  I didn't even bother grabbing a towel - I was just trying to make it to the phone before he hung up. We kept the phone in our bedroom but it wasn't there so I ran into the living room, naked and dripping wet.

And standing there, holding the phone in on hand and his cell phone in the other is Benny. I couldn't believe I fell for it. I spent the next several months trying to make it up to him but nothing I did was even close...

So this morning in honor of April Fools Day I put a rubber band around the spray nozzle in the kitchen sink so that when he turned on the water it would come out of the nozzle, not the faucet, and spray all over him. I guess it's a testimony to how little time he spends in the kitchen because I waited all stinkin day for him to use the kitchen sink. All stinkin day. 

Tonight as I was making dinner I forgot that I had done that. And I got sprayed. After that I was determined that he was going to get sprayed, no matter what.  Finally, I caught him in the kitchen and asked him to rinse something out for me and BINGO. I got 'em!

Not a bad way to begin a new month...