I Did And I Do

Yesterday we celebrated nine years of marriage. Nine years. It seems like a lot but at the same time it really doesn't.  I mean, my parents were married for over 20 and my grandparents were married over 50 so 9 doesn't seem like such a big deal...but I'm grateful for another year.

Marriage is hard. I think anyone who doesn't admit that isn't really being honest. No matter how good the relationship, there are just inherent challenges that come with merging your life with someone else's.  You give up a lot to do that. It's kinda funny, we live our whole life working towards independence - we want to be grown, make our own decisions, live our own life...and then we get married. And it's not like we lose that independence but it's altered. It has to be somewhat if you care about what your spouse thinks - you can't just run off and do your own thing anymore. Well, most of us can't, anyway.

At least I had an understanding of that when I got married. I was old enough that I didn't have false illusions - I knew it would be work. I may have underestimated it a bit, but I had a general understanding of what kind of commitment I was making. But still, I think sometimes the finality of forever can be surprising.

Each and every morning while I'm in the shower my husband comes in and hocks a loogie. Loudly. Every. Morning. And it grosses me out. One morning I heard him do it and it hit me- I'm going to hear that every single day of my life. Every single day.  It was a sobering thought. Forever, ever? Yep, that's what it means. I forgot to write the "no loogie clause" into our vows...

But you take the bad with the good and you hold on and try to make it work. And some days it's harder than others. Some days I make it really hard.  I wish I could say that I've been the kind of wife that I thought I would be, the kind of wife God called me to be. But I've fallen short in many ways.

And yet...here we are, another year down. I look at the life we've built together, the family we've created - our family - and I know that I wouldn't trade that for a million loogie free mornings.

Forever, ever? Forever ever.

Pomp And Circumstance

So I think tonight was the first high school graduation ceremony I've been to since my own.  It was good to see the kids all so excited. But funny too - in each and every speech they referenced "making it" and "we survived"...and I don't mean to diminish the accomplishment but it was so funny to me because honestly, high school is the easy part of life. Really, it just gets tougher.

But I was young and felt the same way once. I remember thinking I was "free". Yeah, right! Free to work 40 hours a week, pay bills, and keep up a home. Sounds pretty darn free to me.  What I didn't know, what these kids don't know, is that they will probably never be so free ever again...

GHS Class of 2012. I think my class was 3 times this size...

It was exciting to see her graduate though and I'm excited about her next phase of life.  It's amazing to me that she's grown. Funny too because there is a 16 year age difference between her and M2 so it's likely her kids will be closer in age to my kids than she actually is...weird.

My Dad and his wife were there. That was kinda awkward. I didn't know they were coming. Not that I mind being around them, I don't necessarily. Although there were several years when I refused to do so...but it just gets so complicated. And every time, every single time, I try to extend myself I end up frustrated. Basically, above and beyond the fact that's he's just a bad, bad  person - he's an ass.

And maybe some people can get away with that but it's hard to accept from someone I don't have any respect for - it's like really, after all the crap you've done, you're gonna be a jerk too? I hardly see him - the last time was in early November for my granddad's funeral. So I went over to say hi, we made small talk for a few minutes and then M had to go to the bathroom. And when I came back he was gone. Didn't wait to say goodbye or anything - he just took off. And I just think that's kinda crappy.

And then I was just pissed at myself for even going over and saying hi. Why? Why do I do that? Every. Single. Time.

I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult to get that answered.  I would just need to shell out some dough and lay on a couch for about an hour every week...

Time Keeper

I've had a crazy busy week - busy, busy, busy. Don't think the weekend is going to slow down any either. My niece graduates high school tonight. That seems unreal - wasn't it just yesterday that I graduated? No? Well, it seems that way. I still feel just like that girl. Okay, maybe not just like her...her with a few more pounds, a little less innocence and a pretty unattractive c-section scar.  But she's there!


I remember on my graduation day feeling like I could do anything I wanted to do, that the world was absolutely mine, waiting for me to go out and take it on.  I was so full of hope and promise. And I still secretly feel that way.


And then I look in the mirror and I see this face staring back at me - and it takes me by surprise that it's slightly wrinkled. Not for the fact that I'm getting older but because the years have gone by so quickly. And I know the next 20 years will go just as quick and soon, very soon, I will look in the mirror and be surprised to see that's it's completely wrinkled.


And kids, they accelerate everything - fill your life so full that weeks slip into months and months morph into years. I mean, M is almost 6 and I have absolutely no idea how that happened. Because honestly, it doesn't feel like 6 years...

OMG

I am mortified. MORTIFIED.

I made a quick run to WalMart and decided to go to the restroom on my way out.  As I’m walking out of the store I hear a woman calling “Ma’am, ma’am.” But I kept walking because who would have thought she was talking to me?  Then I hear her say it again – frantically.  I turn around. She was talking to me. 

Apparently my really light, kinda gauzy, multiple layer skirt was caught. In my underwear.

And the thing is, I’m not wearing “full coverage” panties. So my bare ass was showing! MY WHOLE ENTIRE BARE ASS! THROUGH WALMART!

I have no idea how it happened. But I wanted to melt right there. I don’t know how many people saw me but I am certain that I cannot go back to that particular WalMart ever, ever again.

Crash And Burn

I'm about to call it a night. Not feeling too well. Not sure if my body is in shock from actually working out tonight or if it's simply from the Hot Tamales I gobbled down during our family game of Old Maid. The two kinda cancel each other out, don't ya think?

I'm a little doomed because I have 4 boxes of candy sitting around. Leftovers from our trip to the movies. We didn't actually eat any of the candy during the movie - we stuck to popcorn. So now it's all  just here tempting me. I've done pretty good though - we've had it since Saturday and I didn't get in to it until today. That's a record for me, by the way.

Another item I'm happy about is the fact that there have been cupcakes in my house since Friday and I've only had one. Just one.

I am glad to have worked out tonight - it feels good. I'm gonna be SO sore tomorrow. I am weak, weak, weak! But any start is a good start, right?

In an unrelated note: my baby girl graduated Kindergarten! I remember when my niece, who graduates high school this year, had her Kindergarten graduation and I thought it was a bit silly - I mean, really, what are they graduating from? They have another 12 years of school left! But then I had M and I've changed my  mind - it isn't silly at all, it's awesome!

It really was such a special day. I don't know, it just seems like it's kinda a big milestone - a first grader! A FIRST GRADER!  Definitely something to celebrate. And she had a blast - they did a big ceremony. They entered in to the march, performed a song and then she got to walk across the stage and get her "diploma". It was so stinkin cute! We made a day of it - went out to lunch, decorated the house, had some cupcakes and got her a little graduation gift.

Tonight, when I was putting her to bed I was telling her a story about a boy who catches the moon to win the heart of the girl he loves. As I was tucking her in I whispered "The boy that wins your heart better bring you the moon." and she laughed and said "No one can get the moon!" and then she looked really worried and said "What if I'm all grown up and no one is able to get it?"

I didn't tell her this but that would be okay with me...

Had a great weekend – garage sale, family time, and celebrating the birthday of a friend.

I am definitely done with garage sales – at least for a while. I think I would rather just donate everything and be done with it.  It’s just not really worth the amount of work of dragging everything out, setting everything up, and wasting most the day sitting around.  Although I did have fun hanging with my Mom and sister – I always enjoy that.  And we did manage to sale almost all of my granddad’s stuff, the big stuff anyway. The rest of the garage sale stuff ended up on the corner in a box.  Goodbye junk!

Then I was out to celebrate a friend. My evening didn’t start so well – as I was getting in my car I looked down and decided my shirt was too wrinkled. So I went back inside to iron it and ended up burning a hole in it. And it was brand new – I never even got to wear it!  I was so mad – such a complete waste!  And I really liked the shirt! Grrrr! It still makes me mad. 

Of course, the company of friends made it all better and we had a good time. I’m still cracking up over some of the silliness. I have the funniest friends – oh my gosh, they make me laugh.

After the night ended I realized I only got two pictures. I guess I just wasn’t on my game because I’m usually taking pictures all night long. 

I got hit by the neon lights...

You know how lot’s of girls do the duck face in pictures? Well, I noticed that I do that when I dance. It’s almost impossible for me not to do it.  It’s a very attractive look. But at least I don’t memorialize it in photos. That’s a positive, right? I do, however, have a ton of pictures of me taking a drink. I’m not sure why – it’s just kinda my thing.  So I think it’s safe to say I have a photo drinking problem…

Crazy Girl

Read a news article today about a man who dumped his dentist girlfriend and then a few days later went to see her for dental care.  Apparently, she wasn't over the break-up because she put him under and extracted ALL his teeth. ALL. HIS. TEETH.

That's some crazy right there.

And stupidity - I mean, really, what was he thinking? I'm not saying he deserved it but it definitely wasn't  the wisest choice he ever made. Scorned? Angry? Bitter?  Well, okay then!  How about you knock me out so I'm in a completely vulnerable and helpless state and take care of this little tooth pain for me...

Yeah, that was going to end well.

I guess he didn't realize her full psycho potential. It's hidden in the best of us; buried deep within the stable, normal, well-adjusted woman. We've all had our moments. I've had more than a few.  And at the risk of looking completely psychotic, here are a few highlights.

No judging.

1. I ran over my boyfriend. On purpose.
That sounds much worse than it was, really. A few days after we broke up I went to his apartment to return his stuff. And he was having a nice romantic dinner with the new girl.  I handed him his box and took off for my car. And he chased after me. I didn't want to talk - what more was there to say?

I tried to leave and he steps in front of my car and says he's not moving until I let him explain. I'm not sure what he wanted to explain but he refused to move. And the only thing I wanted at the moment was to get out of there. So I told him he better move, that I was leaving. And he refused. Then I told shouted at him to move NOW, that I was leaving and he better get out of my way. I told yelled that three times.

And then I took my foot off the brake. And rolled into him.

I really wasn't trying to hurt him; If I had wanted to do that I would have punched the accelerator. But just the fact that my car made contact with his body qualifies as a psycho moment.

2. I staked out the movie theater to catch my boyfriend cheating.
That sounds as bad as it is. But I fell into it by accident.

He had plans with a friend and I went out with my Mom.  We decided to go see the movie Seven. Except I had left my glasses at his house. I called but didn't catch him. Oh well, we'll just sit in the front.

We lived in the same apartment complex so later that night I ran over to his place. I asked him how his night went and he looked at me kinda funny and said "Fine." And then I told him I had watched Seven and asked if he had heard about it. And he had this look on his face. So I start telling him about it, because I was sure he would like it. And then he says "Don't fuck with me." And I was totally confused.

Apparently, he had been at the same movie. With his former fiance.

He thought I had followed him and was playing some kind of mind game.  As he was accusing me of "messing" with him, it all came out.  We sat two rows behind them.  They walked down the aisle, right past us.

Except I never saw them, never had a clue.  If I had been wearing my glasses I might have seen them. If I had been wearing my glasses I wouldn't have had to sit so close... I was in shock. What were the chances of us ending up at the same place? And then him busting himself?

I won't go into how I remained with him after that - that's a post about pathetic decisions, not psycho actions - but one night he called at work, told me not to come over, he wouldn't be home, he was hanging with a buddy. And I knew. So I drove past the movie theater after work and there was his truck. It was unmistakable because his tailgate had been stolen.

I decided I was going to wait. Even though I knew, I needed to see him.  I needed proof.  I was trying to hold onto the hope that it wasn't what it seemed. Simply because I didn't want it to be true.  I waited for a while but then decided I felt a little too crazy. But it definitely qualified as a stake-out. And nothing screams psycho like lurking around in a parking lot trying to spy on someone.
3. I repeatedly looked someone up online.
This is by far the most embarrassing. What makes it so embarrassing is that I knew he was tracking it and that still didn't stop me. It was a combination of curiosity about his life and then later because I simply missed him and wanted to see his face.  I don't know what it was about that guy but I was attracted to him beyond belief and some of that was just trying to figure out why I felt so drawn to him.

I can hope all day long that he gets it but realistically, it just looks psycho.  And how can you recover from that?  Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry about the obsessive page views, I just kinda miss you" card. Trust me, I looked.

Soooo, that's my ugly.  Hope it was more entertaining for you than for the guys involved...