Million Dollar Mystery

I've had a fun and eventful week, which means I haven't had a lot of time to blog. It also means I have a lot to share. But do I want to share tales of excitement? No, of course not. Instead, I would much rather share something totally and utterly embarrassing. And gross.

I went to have some blood work done last week. When they called me back I plopped down in the little chair, threw my arm up and turned away.  As I was pulling my sleeve up I said to the phlebotomist "It doesn't hurt but I can't look. I never can. There's just something about seeing the needle."  As she pricked me she responded that was pretty much the norm. So we had a nice little 10 second exchange and then she was done.

When I felt her pull the needle out I turned to pull down my sleeve. Immediately I saw a thick, dark hair on my arm. It took me a nano second to recognize what it was.

A pubic hair.

I think I audibly gasped.

I'm not certain how it got on my arm. Ewww.

I am certain it was not mine. Double ewww.

I was almost certain it didn't belong to my husband either. A million times ewww.

She was kind enough to pretend she didn't see it. But that didn't make me feel any better.

When I told my husband he tried to convince me it was one of his arm hairs. Ugh, no. It was definitely of the pubic kind.

So the mystery remains:  How long had I been walking around with a foreign pube and where did it come from? 

And do I even really want to know?

Two Cents

I’ve been poking a little bit of fun at Manti Te’o since the story broke about his deceased, nonexistent girlfriend. Nothing vicious, just a few funny pictures and comments. There’s always the possibility that he was duped – there’s always the possibility of anything – and if that’s the case, then you have to feel bad for the guy. But you have to take what you know and ask yourself if any of it makes sense and the answer is no, it doesn’t.

When his Dad told reporters they met after a game – maybe he was wrong. Or maybe the reporter got it wrong. Same thing about the statement his Dad made about this girlfriend visiting Manti in Hawaii. People can get mixed up, right?

What I’m having trouble believing is that this relationship was limited to online chats and phone conversations. So maybe it started out that way but as the relationship evolved neither one of them ever wanted more? They didn’t send pictures to each other? They never progressed to Skype or Facetime? Maybe these two college students weren’t technologically savvy or into any of that stuff. Just maybe.

So he cares deeply enough for this woman to declare her his girlfriend but not deeply enough to ever send a gift? Your sick, dying girlfriend is in the hospital and you don’t send flowers or a card? Or something for her funeral? Even if you’re really good at creating a fake person, I’m pretty sure when flowers arrived at the funeral home for a person who was not deceased it would have caused enough confusion for the florist to contact the sender. But perhaps he’s just not a very good boyfriend.

Even after it all unfolds, we’ll never really know the truth. I think that’s why it’s so fascinating – it’s something most of us can’t understand. We will never know why – why would someone dupe him into falling for an imaginary person? Why would he create such a story? In the end, he’ll forever be known as the victim of an elaborate and cruel joke or the guy who told one of the stupidest lies in sports history.

Either way, you gotta have some sympathy for the guy.

*Okay, so in the days following this post Manti did kinda address the things I mentioned - everytime they skyped her pic was blank and he sent flowers to the house, not the funeral home. So he may not be the most observant guy out there but at least now we know he's good boyfriend material.

Metal Magic

Something weird is going on.

I’ve been getting hit on.

This never happens to me. Ever. And that’s not one of those statements that’s meant to prompt a compliment – it’s just true. I mean, I have been hit on before. Usually towards last call.

The only thing I can think is that it’s the braces.

I don’t know if it’s a brace fetish or just sympathy. But I’m pretty sure that’s it. One guy even said “You look cute in those braces.” Like they were some kind of fashion accessory. Of course, this could have been from lack of skill because he also said “What you doin tonight?” Um, did you just leave the verb out of that sentence?

So yeah, the caliber of these guys is not what I would consider quality. But that’s beside the point – it’s just weird that suddenly I’m getting comments. Like what’s changed besides the 10 pounds I’ve gained?

And just in case you’re wondering - my response to that grammatically incorrect question was “I’ll be with my kids.” The fact that he didn’t anticipate that was going to be my response also demonstrated that he lacked observation skills. Since the kids were with me when he asked.

Ohhh yeah, bring on the winners!

Something Borrowed

We've been spending some time lately getting our newest property ready to rent. We're scheduled to sign the lease this Sunday. Picking a tenant is just like gambling - you bet everything on this one individual and you never know how the dice is going to land. You just cross your fingers and hope you picked the best one.

We've been very, very fortunate to have good tenants.  Until recently.  And having a bad one really, really, really makes you appreciate the good ones.  And as we've been working undoing all the damage on this house it was really obvious to me that there needed to be some kind of tenant education. So here ya go...things every renter should know:

1. If you can't afford the place, don't rent it. That seems perfectly logical to me but you would be surprised by the number of people who appear to not even take cost of rent into consideration. Look, I don't care how much you like the place, if the rent is $800 and you only earn $1000 then this is not the place for you.  Unless you can live without water, heat, electricity, transportation or food.

2. We remember you didn't pay rent, even when we don't hear from you.  Do you remember playing hide and go seek? Picking a hiding spot completely obvious but believing you couldn't be seen because you couldn't see them? That same phenomenon sometimes occurs to tenants - except they believe if they don't call you then you won't notice they didn't send rent.  There is nothing more frightening for a landlord than to not receive rent and to not hear from the tenant - deep down we are scared to death that you've skipped rent and moved out. Even if you have to make up some crazy, ridiculous, obvious excuse for why you don't have rent - call!  We'll appreciate the gesture and maybe even the creativity.

3. It's your home, but not your house. We want you to make this your home, to feel like it's your own special place. And it is, it totally is. But the house you live in does not belong to you. Therefore, there are some basic limitations on what kind of liberties you can take when making this space "your own".  The shrubs you removed cost money and I spent time putting them in.  And I'm sorry you didn't like the lamp post in the yard; I'm even sorrier you took it out. It's okay you removed the bathroom cabinet door; it's not okay that you didn't leave the door behind.  And for the life of me, I can't figure out why you would remove the doorbell...

See, the reality of renting is that you don't get to do whatever you want with this place because at some point I've got to come behind you and fix it.

4. It's not appropriate to let your children, or anybody, throw gum on the carpet. It's just not.

5. We know you lied, we're just not sure why.  Our goal is to maintain our homes in the most cost effective manner that we can. Unfortunately, that means we don't allow animals or smoking. I know you love little Fefe and I understand that you can't get your day started without that nicotine hitting your lungs.  You have every right to have as many dogs as you want and to smoke as often as you like. You just can't do that if you rent a house from us. There are plenty of places that welcome dogs and/or smoking. Find one of those.

6. Clean up after yourselves. Look, it's hard enough for me to clean my own bathroom so imagine the horror of having to clean someone else's filth. Have the decency to at least wipe all the grossness away. I don't want to see your urine spots, poop stains or pubs.  It's gross and makes me puke.

7. Take your crap with you. If there are things you decide you don't want when you move out, there are some simple alternatives to just leaving them in the house: have a garage sale, donate to charity, or bag them up and set them on the curb.  We  have (in my state)  to store whatever you leave behind for 30 days before it's legally considered abandoned. Thirty days. You took off and left your dumpy old furniture behind, most likely thinking we would throw it out for you, saving you the inconvenience of messing with it. In reality, you've just stuck us with a giant piece of trash. Which is exactly what we want to work around as we clean, paint, and recarpet. Thanks, thanks for that.

8. We're not rich. With some exceptions, most people with rental property carry a mortgage. Yes, your rent is higher than the mortgage and we make a profit. But we're not getting rich off your rent. The small profit we make is what we use for maintenance and repairs and to cover the mortgage during vacancies.  The real value of investment properties comes at the end - when the mortgage is paid off or the house is sold. Just because we own houses doesn't mean we're swimming in money.

9. It's cheaper to give you your deposit back than it is to keep it.  Everyone thinks landlords try to do whatever they can to keep the deposit - like greedy little trolls trying to steal your money. For the majority of us that couldn't be further from the truth. See, when you get your deposit back that means the house was clean and undamaged and I spent less of my time cleaning and repairing. You get your money, I get to avoid extra work - everybody is happy.  What you may not realize is that if we keep your deposit, we're actually losing money. 

It cost a landlord money every time someone moves out - there's the lost rent while finding a new tenant, cost of running ads in the paper, and cost of keeping the utilities on.  There is also the cost of prepping for a new tenant - this cost usually comes in the form of time. And every landlord recognizes and accepts those costs - it's part of it.

But when a house is trashed and needs lots of cleaning and repair (and the deposit is kept) the prep work transforms to real cost - buying paint, cleaning/putting in new carpet, replacing damaged doors, putting in new sheet rock, replacing the faucet you broke,  the blinds you bent, and the tile you cracked.  That measly little deposit? Well, it doesn't even begin to cover it. So no, we don't want to keep your deposit.  We just want you to follow these rules and

10. Leave the house exactly how you got it.

I Remember You

So I walked out of the office and saw this guy sitting in the lounge area. He looked like a guy I had met in college and I was debating whether I should say something or just pretend I didn’t see him. Then I realized it wasn’t him. Problem solved.

It made me wonder what happened to him; I haven’t thought about him in years. We had a speech class together and I had a crush on him. I was thrilled when he asked to get together to study. He came over to my apartment and as he was looking around he saw a picture of me and one of my best guy buddies from high school – only a few years before. He picked up the picture, looked at it and said “Wow. You were fat then.” And laughed.

And I was bigger in the picture but not by much – which made me pretty sure he still thought I was fat.

So we start studying. Only we’re not studying. I’m working and he’s distracted, inattentive and impatient - obviously wanting me to do his homework and just give him answers. And he was so dumb. I mean, I couldn’t even have a conversation with him. There was just nothing up there. Nothing.

And when I wouldn’t do the work for him he tried to charm me into it – except he wasn’t that charming.

I’m sure he flirted his way through high school but by the time he left that night, I didn’t even think he was cute anymore.

The next class I had to give my speech and he tried to make silly faces and act goofy during my presentation. I think he thought I would find it funny but really, it was just annoying. I’m not sure what I said, but I remember telling him I thought he was being immature and irritating. I think at that point he knew I was over it.

I wonder if he finished college…and how many girls it took to get him through.

*Since I called him dumb I feel the need to add a disclaimer:  I realize some (a lot) of my posts have typos and spelling errors. This is due to sloppiness, not lack of understanding basic english.  I read some of my previous post and I cringed everytime I caught a mistake.  There was a lot of cringing going on.

Battle Plan

Operation Fat No More kicks off tonight. Don’t confuse this with previously failed missions such as Operation Bangin Body, Operation Get In Shape or Operation Smokin Hot. Those, my friends, were simply casualties in the great war against weight. What an ugly, merciless, cruel battle it has been!

I almost, almost, hate to start any kind of workout plan now since it’s the beginning of the year. It seems so cliché and typical – everybody’s high on resolutions for a new, slimmer, healthier body so people are fleeing to the gym. It almost seems kind of superficial. And temporary. Look people, this isn’t a beginning of the year fad for me – I need to lose weight all year round. So I need all you skinny bitches wanting to lose about 6 pounds to move out of the way so us big girls can get going. Because frankly, seeing your flat tummies and toned thighs is more than a little demotivating.

I think someone should open a gym just for fat people. If you’re body looks too good, you can’t get in. So everybody in there will be jiggling together. And then, as you lose weight, you get transferred to the half-way house gym – Chubby Champs – a place for those in that in-between place. And then, finally, you can graduate on to the utopian gym where all the beautiful people go, not really to work out but to show off their small, toned, perfect little bodies.

Because that’s what I would totally do.

It's Alive

Out of the depths of laziness, I rise!

I spent the last days of 2012 being as lazy as possible. Well, as lazy as you can be when you've been bestowed the title of Domestic Goddess. A title like that comes with a lot of responsibility - clothes to fold, meals to cook...not to mention the little people I rule.  They can be outright vicious.  I mean, here I was on staycation and the little monsters continued to demand to be feed, watered, wiped and even occasionally bathed. It's a consuming and daunting job...but the crown is SO worth it!

I immediately set my new year in motion with a speeding ticket. BOOOO! Not necessarily for getting the ticket - that I deserved  - but for starting my new year with a hefty and unplanned expense.  I was speeding. I didn't realize I was speeding so when I first saw the lights I had a tiny sliver of hope that they were going out on a call and I could scoot over and they would blow right past me...but no.

I don't debate that I was speeding - I was jammin out and lost in thought and was on a highway that doubles as Oklahoma's own Indianapolis Motor Speedway so I'm sure I probably was. Plus, there have been multiple times that I have been late and intentionally sped...so it all kinda evens out. But it still sucks to waste that money. 

And the real stinker of the whole deal was that I was on my way to a meeting only to arrive and be informed that I was stood up. I can't say it was the first time I've been stood up but it was certainly the most expensive.

So here's to a new year filled with love, laughter, and cruise control!