Service Of The Customer Kind

It's funny how quickly habits can change. They say 21 days to create a habit. They fail to tell you it takes less than 7 days to destroy it. 

I was doing so, so good about going to the gym. For months, months, I was going at least 3 days a week.  At one point every single day. And if I missed a day my gym friends would say "Hey! Missed you yesterday!"

Yes, I had gym friends.

Then. BOOM. I missed a day. Missed two days. Missed a week. And another. Until it's too many weeks for me to even count. WHY, WHY, WHY?

So I decide to start over. Like I always do. Because I think, in all things, some is better than none. One day a month isn't great but it's a whole hell of a lot better than the alternative. So I gather up my resolve and tell myself "Here I go again!" Only it's actually again, again,again...because this is only like my 147 millionth time to start over. But no worries, I'm just happy I get a chance to keep going.

So I meant to pack my gym bag for Monday.  But meant doesn't count for a lot. So I did it immediately when I got home that night. I was set and ready for today. AND I even remembered to take it with me. Score!

Then I'm working and got busy. Around 2ish I realize what time it is and decide I need to go to lunch. I've actually already eaten lunch - a peanut butter and jelly sandwich over a keyboard. Because I favor the refined dining experience. So I grab my keys and head out. Shopping. What better way to kill an hour, right?  And it isn't until I'm walking back into the building that I realize...Wait! Holy crap! I was going to go to the gym! Grrrrrr! How do I forget something like that? Because I'm out of the habit, that's why!

So my gym bag is still at the office and I've got a reminder set on my calendar. This plan is fail-proof. Tomorrow I will be at the gym.

So today was shopping.

I had to return a dress. I'm a chronic returner. Drives my husband crazy. But I like to take my time and really decide I like something. What's the point of having it if it's just going to hang in my closet? And I've noticed things always look different when I get them home. I think I just get so excited when I finally find something that fits that I decide immediately I like it, without really looking to see if I actually do. It's like beer goggles for shopping - it looks great in the store but then I sober up and wonder what the hell I was thinking.

So I buy a lot and I return a lot. This is really, really weird I know but I take pictures of me in the clothes before I decide to keep them. Just because I think it's more truthful than looking in a mirror. Especially the mirror in my bedroom. I promise you, it's a magic mirror - it automatically takes off about 10 pounds. I will never, ever get rid of that mirror. I don't care if it breaks into a million little pieces, I will glue it back together and keep using it.

So I had a dress that didn't pass the test. I kinda suspected it wouldn't. I bought it way cheap and I think I was just so enamored with the price tag that I told myself I would make it work. Like the chick you pick up just because you know she won't say no.  See, how come most guys don't like shopping? It's really not that different from bar life...

Of course, I didn't have the receipt. I mean, I have the receipt - I have a zillion receipts. Just not on me. Because I needed it and who ever has a receipt when they need it?  So I get less money back than what I paid for it. Ugh, I hate that. I mean, it wasn't a huge difference but seems like such a waste. I basically paid the store because the dress made me look like I was pregnant and had lumpy hips. 

While I was waiting in line...and it was a long line because the woman who raced ahead of me to make sure she was first, apparently had something complicated because it took three people and a lot of time to figure it out...so I'm waiting and this woman waddles up and says in a really disgusted voice "Where's customer service?" She said it like she'd been wandering for days and days. Where is this elusive Customer Services?  Will I ever reach it? Will this journey ever end? I'm trying to hang on but I. Can't. Go. Much. Further. 

And she said it to the customer service people. 

The very nice customer service lady- the one who needed to get a second and third opinion on the transaction no one could figure out - said in the nicest, most cheerful voice "Here! This is it!" and the wenchy lady very loudly snarled "Well! The sign just says Service. It doesn't say customer service."

Really?

What kind of service did you think it meant? I was so tempted to turn around and ask her. I was genuinely curious. Are there stores out there offering services I'm not aware of? Should I be concerned I'm missing out?  My whole life I've naively made the assumption that a huge, giant, nearly neon sign saying "SERVICE" meant customer services. Who knew?

And really, do you have to be one of those? One of those women who is bitchy just for the sake of being bitchy. Because it takes work, a lot of work to be bitchy like that - you really gotta try at it. And I don't know, maybe it's my perpetual laziness but that's too much work for me. I mean, sure, acting like a tyrant might have it's perks - like having the entire return line whirl around at you when you semi-scream because you're too stupid to understand a sign my 4 year old kid would get - but if I'm gonna put out the energy I need more than that. Screw that small-time return line crap. I'm saving my over-the-top-crazed-bitchiness for something big - if I'm doing it, I'm going to make a real statement.

And it fluttered through my head You're the reason I hated working retail.  But then I realized that wasn't true - I actually loved working retail. It's weird, I know, but sometimes I miss it. Mainly the part where we got the new clothes in and I would pick stuff out and buy it before it was even on the rack. I loved having first dibs. It was insane the amount of clothes I had. Obscene really.

Then the lady does a combination grunt/sigh to illustrate her impatience with having to stand in line for more than a minute. Nope you're right - you are totally the reason I hated working retail.

Invincible Me

I'm hurt.

Again.

I flew in from a conference really late and my mom was gracious enough to pick me up and take me to my husband's truck- which is not a little truck.  I picked up my bag, which was ounces shy of being 50 pounds, pulled it up to my chest and tossed it across the cab- like it wasn't more than 1/3 my body weight.  And 133-138 depending on what I've eaten,  to save you the math. I know, right?

Almost immediately it hurt.  You know how sometimes it takes a minute, kinda settles in before you feel it? And other times, like this, it's almost instant. A sting you know will be significant.

So I drove the 45 minutes to our house trying to ignore it.  That's never actually worked for me, ever, but it's always my first line of defense - pretend it doesn't hurt, maybe it really won't.

And it's funny because that's almost always how I get hurt- it's not clumsiness or carelessness- it's my belief, my false belief, that I don't have limitations. It's not that I believe I can do everything, I just don't ever believe I can't. Invincible Amber - capable of anything and everything and adored by all. And I'm always, without fail, kinda shocked when I discover it's not true.

Don't worry, it's not an indication of low self-esteem for me to realize I'm not perfect. Because I've been told multiple times the past few weeks that I "sell myself short". Sell myself short? I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means but what does it mean?

I kinda wonder if that's more a reflection of how they feel about me then how I feel about myself. I picture a slick-haired car salesman in a cheap suit - Heeey kid, don't sell yourself short! *wink, wink as he pats you on the back. And then, only later, do you discover he's actually just slapped a clearance sticker on you. Right, don't sell yourself short - let me do that for you! How bout I plan to just not sell myself at all.

I was on the couch with my legs plopped over the edge (because that position hurt less than any other), reading a book when my husband came home. He immediately started kinda cleaning up. But not the kind of cleaning up where he's really cleaning up - you know, the exaggerated kind of cleaning up that is meant to illustrate that I should have cleaned up. Then I heard a few kitchen cabinets close a little too hard and he yelled out "What's for dinner?", which is code for get off your ass and make dinner.

So I peeled myself off the couch and made my way into the kitchen. Cue exasperated look at the kitchen sink. A kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. Dirty dishes that were there when I arrived home. Not one of which belonged to me or was dirtied under my direction. But never mind small details. We've got...dirty dishes! Oh, the horror!

"You've been home all day."  It wasn't a statement or a question - just kinda an accusation. Guilty, you got me, totally guilty - I have, indeed, been home all day. And all I could do was laugh - at the pure silliness of all of it.

Of course, then I pulled myself together and got to work. Because hurt or not, girls like me don't stay down too long. The Invincible Amber mantra: suck it up, roll on and always, always wear that smile.

Small Town Girl

Even though I'm highly addicted, I don't usually buy soda for the house. Which is actually pretty amazing considering how much of it I drink. I stop and get one almost every morning and then have one late afternoon. I just always feel like I need to.

And just like every good addict, I have weird quirks. I get different drinks from different stores - this 7-11 has great Diet Pepsi, this Conoco has great Diet Dr. Pepper...and if I'm drinking from a can, it needs to be Diet Coke. 

So weird.

I get my fix during the day but keep it clean at home. Occasionally I run out and get one but that's pretty rare. Don't attribute that to any kind of willpower though. Mostly it's because my laziness outweighs my addition.

But since last month,  I've the guilty pleasure of a fridge stocked with Diet Coke. So I get hooked. Now I'm used to having one in the evening too.

And then I run out.

Which for a normal person wouldn't be that big of deal . And then there's me. Who is running out at 10 at night because I just can't stand it anymore - I have GOT to have a soda. Right now! And just as I'm about to whip into the gas station, it goes dark. CLOSED!!

That's the sucky part about living in a small town - everything shuts down early.  But I wasn't going to let a little thing like closing discourage me. Nope, I just drive across the highway. To get a drink.

What is not sucky about a small town is the fact that you can open your home to the local kids.  I was making dinner when one of my nephews friends came over - he's hung out at our house quite a few times. You become pretty popular during the summer if you have a pool. And even more so if you feed them after they get done swimming.  He was selling stuff for a football fundraiser. So we gave him some money and a glass of tea and as he was leaving he yelled "Thanks Aunt Amber!". I loved that.

I always want my home to be full. Growing up, that't how it was. We always had kids over. Always. My Dad used to refer to them as "The Supper Club" because they would always show up around mealtimes. The truth is, they were there all the time. That was the place that everyone wanted to be - they all loved my parents and my parents loved having them.

And that's what I want - a pool full of kids, everyone hanging out watching a movie, and enough food for an army.  Because at the Mitchell house you will always find food, laughter and fun.

Let It Go

There's just one thing I need to know. Just one...

WHY are people SO ridiculous?! 

Can't we all just take a minute - use our little brains and act like rationale, intelligent humans? And if you're not, and clearly there are a lot of you out there, can you pretend? Fake it, just a little bit? Really, just try. We'll give you the benefit of the doubt. I promise.

I just don't get people blowing up over little things and getting carried away over nothing. People. Let it go. *And thank you Frozen for TOTALLY ruining one of my favorite expressions. It was the perfect parental phrase because it covered everything. Bickering over a toy? Let it go. Whining to get something? Let it go. Begging after you've already said no? Let it go. Now I hear your little song and spend the next 4 hours with it runnin through my head. And it has no impact whatsever with the kids because as soon as I say it, they just start singing. They still continue to bicker, whine and beg - now they just do it between lines.

And honestly, I don't care how irrational or silly or petty you are. As long as it doesn't impact me. Unfortunately, when I have to come behind you and clean up your mess, answer for your actions, and deal with multiple levels of b.s. (including, but not limited to meetings with HR) - it kind pisses me off.  In several different ways.

So that was my work day.  Welcome to supervision, where you're constantly being called to aisle 5 for clean up.

Of course, by the time I got home I had put it all in perspective and decided not to waste another second on it. I was just going to...*curse you Disney! let it go. Whatever, it will all work out. Because honestly, it always does...and usually in my favor.

Girl Time

Got some girl time this weekend! We decided to go wild and take a dance class...an adult dancing class - pole dancing, lap-dancing, and strip-tease. SO much fun!

We met for lunch, had some drinks and tried to get over the initial awkwardness of knowing very soon we would all be gyrating inappropriately in front of each other. It's not that hard to be sexy when you're with your partner and in the mood,  but put yourself in front of an audience of people and try to be sexy on demand and it changes things.

I never, in my life, thought I would say this but: props to all the strippers out there, I seriously don't know how you do it.

Originally I wasn't that thrilled with the pole dancing portion because, well...I don't have a pole in my bedroom and I wanted to learn something that I may actually use. Yes, always a practical one...

Surprisingly, that was my favorite part. It was seriously so much fun. I could have spent another hour learning tricks on that thing. But don't fool yourself, it's not nearly as easy as those pole girls would make it look. That thing is a total workout!

So that isn't the most flattering picture but I was so proud to make it up that far. I would like to point out that the pole seemed SO much longer when I was trying to climb it. I didn't think I was ever going to make it to the top. But my slightly bruised thighs are proof that I did. Thank you thighs for providing that death grip - without you, I would have splattered all over the floor.

The other thing I really learned from this class is that I prefer my sexiness mirror-free. See, I happen to live in the land of the delusional. I like it there and I don't need a mirror to screw that up.  If I don't have a mirror I can ignore all the things that jiggle, wiggle and fold that aren't supposed to...and I can feel pretty damn sexy. But watching a beautifully toned body perform a move that looks amazing and then catching a glimpse of myself and seeing just how far off I am...not likin that so much.

The good news is that I can (and do) laugh at myself.  So I let it all jiggle around and had fun with it. Laughing also happens to distract people from looking at your belly. It does. Try it. And if it doesn't work, you won't care because you'll be laughing. See how that works?

Then it was off to dinner - mexican! Because the first thing you want to do after taking a sexy class that highly illustrates your unsexiness is to stuff down two baskets of chips and a taco salad the size of Rhode Island. Oh, but wait - that doesn't even include the obligatory frozen drink.

We made our way to this little country place, Moonshiners. I'm pretty sure I was the only one that liked it because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that likes country music.  And the fact that a friend and I came back from a line dance and there was only one person left at the table...so thinking this place may not be a favorite with the crowd.

But one of my former students works there on the weekends so I got to see her. Love those lifetime connections!

And she brought me a drink that she custom made that was AMAZING. And she put a glow cube in it so it was pretty.  Bonus!

We stayed for a little bit longer and then I found my spot on the hotel floor. Normally I would say I am too old and too fat to sleep on the floor but apparently using every muscle in my body to swing around and climb a pole really paid off because I had no problems sleeping. The drinks probably helped too. 

And that, boys and girls, was the end to girls weekend.

Taking Off

It's getting very close to my favorite time of year - fall is almost here!

I know August is still technically summer but when you work on a college campus, it signifies the kick-off for fall and represents some of the best parts of it - there is nothing like a college campus buzzing with the excitement of a new academic year. Sorry spring, you just don't measure up.

So today was great - there were students everywhere and I had an opportunity to speak to almost 400 incoming students about our program.  Unfortunately, I didn't get to speak to them all at once. They were scheduled to come through in groups, which meant I got to repeat my information session sales pitch about 9  times. Not so bad for me - I could talk about my program all day long -  but certainly not great for my colleagues who had to hear it every. single. time. The good news is that I'm confident any of them could fill in for me since they now have it memorized.

Next week we have a two day welcome back orientation and classroom visits and all our students should be back on campus. Fun stuff! And that's not meant to be sarcastic - it really is fun.

It's also exhausting.

And I'm already worn out! I literally was running around all day - just a constant flow of activity and people. This usually actually kinda energizes me but today I'm dragging. I went out of town for a very short, overnight  training trip but had to leave at an ungodly hour - I was out the door by 4:30. Yes, a.m.  Which maybe wouldn't be so bad if I weren't neurotic and hadn't stayed up past midnight the night before. And let's be real, I don't care how energetic you are - 3.5 hours of sleep can only get you so far. I didn't sleep well either. One, it just takes me a minute to unwind when I travel and then once I finally do get to sleep, it isn't quality because I just don't sleep good away from home.

No complaints, I do it to myself. I just can't force myself to go to sleep. Seriously, I think I want to start a nocturnal community.  Standard business hours would be from 3:00 p.m. -1:00 a.m. and no one would get out of bed before 10:00 a.m.. And is it sad that it actually sounds like heaven to me? Not the business hours part - because who really cares about that - but the sleeping in part. Love, love, love sleeping in.

The training was great though- really worth the time and money. During the training I appreciated it, but it really wasn't until the drive home when we started mapping out some things that I really got excited about it. It was just good to see how applicable it was. So many times you go to a training and you get pumped up momentarily but then you go back to the office and it doesn't really transfer, or you forget about it. And what good is it then?

So this was so really good stuff and on the drive home we planned out an entire day of staff development. Which I already had on the calendar but was able to incorporate this new material, which will really add another dimension. Which might be important because we'll be spending a lot of time on strategic planning.  And it's really, really surprising but not everyone finds it as fascinating as I do. Can I redo my community? I want a nocturnal, nerdy community. That's what I really need.

So, busy day tomorrow and an even busier Saturday. Got a girls weekend planned so there are no illusions of catching up on sleep. And you know what, I don't even want to! I'm gonna spend as much time having a blast with my girls and worry about sleep later - this weekend I'm only focusing on fun!

And two things, because I realize I often fail to provide any follow-up. I mean, I'm sure you're just out there really wondering about all this stuff- keeps you up at night and everything.

So the spending fast I was on a while back?  I did really, really good until that Friday - then I had a lunch date. And I'm sorry, spending fast or not, I don't ever pass up a lunch date. Still it was helpful...I'm still spending too much but at least it made me more aware. So now instead of just blindly spending, I think about it. And feel a little guilty. But not guilty enough to not spend. Just guilty enough to ruin it for me. Soooo...not really sure if that little experiment was a win or not.

And I'm not sure if that guy came up to the office on Monday or not because I only worked a half-day. He did come up today though. It really worked out perfectly because I was in a meeting so I literally just run out, got the stuff, said thank you and ran back. Perfect.

Except for one thing.

And I'm not even sure I should admit this, because logically I know how horrible it is and I'm not sure yet if I really want to reveal the depth of my vanity...Soooo...this is SO stupid and irrelevant but...I was kinda frustrated because I looked like total crap today. Literally, it was ugly. Or uglier than usual. No makeup, glasses, frumpy clothes. Really? The day I look the worse is the day you pop in? It's rare that I'm not dressed up and without make-up so of course, this would be the day. And it totally shouldn't matter but in a small way, it does.

See, see how superficial and vain that is? Gaw, can you imagine what I would be like if I actually had something to be vain about? It's a lucky thing I don't have a killer body or a model quality good looks. Thanks God, for making me a short, squaty girl with average looks. You did the entire universe a favor with that one...

Do It Wrong

After nearly 20 years, I finally realized why I always sucked at dating.

Don't get me wrong. I actually dated a lot. Well, not a whole lot because my dating life didn't really exist until I was out of high school.  My husband has confirmed what every chubby girl already knows - in high school, guys want the pefect looking girl.  And that's one thing I've never been.

It's kinda funny because soon after we began dating we discovered that during his first years of college he worked at the 7-11 directly down the street from my high school. This was during my Senior year and I was notorious for skipping 1st hour and going to 7-11 and getting an Icy with my little sister. This was not a random, sporadic event - I probably went in there at least once a week - not counting all my after-school trips.

No need to point out that correlation between trips to 7-11 and being a chubby girl.  I'm well aware that the two are related. And guess what?  I still make frequent 7-11 trips. So there.

We compared notes, just to make sure we had the timing right and yes, we did - he even dated two girls I went to high school with - a soccer star and a cheerleader. And in the course of wondering how our paths crossed with such frequency without us ever meeting it simply came down to the fact that he wouldn't have paid any attention to me because I didn't meet the mold. It was simple immaturity.

So it took a few years before my dating life took off.  And 'take off" is a loose term.  I had some interesting and exciting adventures but it's not like a had a hot date every weekend. I got semi-noticed, not hunted.

I had a blast dating but I wasn't very good at it. At all. And now, married for 11 years, I know why. There have been a serious of dating books on the circuit that encourage women to be a bitch. Seriously, they even have one titled "Why Men Love Bitches" The premise isn't really that you act like a bitch - it's that essentially you play hard to get. That men are hunters and are only interested if they think they can't have you.

I always thought that was a load of bs. If I liked a guy, I told him I liked him. I called him. I showed interest. But I finally understand - I was doing it wrong!

So you probably don't remember this this guy. But he's been up to my office to see me twice. The first time I sincerely thought it was an excuse to try to hit on me. Yes, I'm vain and narcissistic. But we have a history - the guy showed up at my apartment and kissed me the night before his wedding. It's safe to say he hit on me a few times.

But that was like 17 years ago and a lot has changed.

The meeting was nothing but professional - 100% business.  The second time he came up it was a little more personal (caught up on mutual friends) but again, completely professional.  He didn't make any indication that he was there for anything but business. So I think this really is legitimate. And I feel silly for ever making the assumption that he had other intentions.

Then he called on Friday, wanted to collaborate.  I explain why it isn't going to work but offer to let him put out some literature for my students. He said he would bring it up next week and I told him that if  I'm not there just leave it with someone. Then he says no, he wants to see me. He isn't interested in seeing my staff - he's coming up to see me.  Then as we're ending the conversation he says "See ya Monday and I'll bring a 6 pack of beer." 

And maybe it doesn't sound like much reading it - but I could tell he was hitting on me. And it's not vanity. This time.

And it clicked, for the very first time. All those women who encourage playing hard to get, all the magazine articles advising to not let him know you like him, all my friends that would say "Don't tell him that!" - WERE COMPLETELY RIGHT.

Guys really will like you if they think you aren't interested.

I honestly don't think this guy ever intended to hit on me but when I didn't flirt - I think it sparked something. And I think it was the same all those years ago - he never liked me, he liked the thought of catching me.

Of course this revelation is completely irrelevant to me. And honestly, even if I had realized it when I was dating I wouldn't have practiced it. Even if it works, I think it's entirely dumb to try to act like you don't like someone when you do...like what's the point? You might be able to temporarily catch a guys interest but ultimately, a guy that's only in it for the hunt, will start chasing someone else after they've caught you...