Big Meanie

I've gotten mean in my old age.

Like, really mean.

I think I used to be a nice person. I have a really cloudy, vague recollection of it. And if I close my eyes and try real hard, I can almost recall what it was like to be nice.

But then I open my eyes again and here I am.

I'm not sure exactly when I lost the nice trait.  It just kinda faded away. Quietly, silently and without my knowledge. Like most of my past relationships.

But I looked up one day and it was gone.  The only traces left were messages scribbled in my old high school yearbooks declaring that I was "So sweet!" and "The nicest person ever!".  Some of these declarations were solidified by being underlined.

That's how I know they really meant it and that it wasn't just a generic phrase. Because if you underline something, it means you really mean it.

So I've wandered for years, with an empty hole where my niceness had once been. Black and empty. And unnice.

I get rare traces of it, though. On occasion, it will briefly burst through my default setting of sarcasm and bitterness.

Like when I walked into the convenience store to get my daily fix of Dr. Pepper. There was a woman standing at the counter that stopped dead and stared at me. I automatically attributed this to the fact that I've moved to a very, very small town and anyone new is somewhat of a novelty.

Until she opened her mouth.

"Oh my god! I thought I was short!"

And I never really know how to respond to that. Like, what am I supposed to say? Do I act surprised and turn around to see who she's talking to? Do I apologize? Do I give a quick lesson on genetics?

But I usually just smile. Sometimes laugh.  Mainly because it's easier.

But she kept going. 

I'm at the fountain, pulling out a cup and she's still talking.

"But next to you, I'm like a giant! You come to like...my shoulders. Oh my god, you make me feel tall!"

It should be noted that the woman was close to 300 pounds. And maybe 4 inches taller than me.  It was hard to tell because she had a frizzy, poorly dyed rat nest piled high on her head. So probably more like 3. Three freakin inches.

And without even trying, it ran through my head. Something mean and biting. Something I could say that would probably break her to her core.

I look at her and she has this look like she's both amazed and triumphant. And it hit me, that for whatever reason, it made her feel good, feel accomplished that she was taller than me. I totally don't get it, but I could tell that's how she felt.

Woohoo! Your DNA determined that your body grew longer than mine! Congratulations!  You win!

But niceness had swept over me. Unexpected and rare. What? What is this emotion I feel?

So I smiled. And laughed.

And paid for my drink while she was still going on about it.

Then I got in my car and thanked God that I had just a sliver of niceness left somewhere in there.

And that I hadn't throat punched her, after all.

Emergency PSA

I have a really important public service message. Like, really important.

I know this may come as a shock to many of you but...public restrooms are NOT private phone booths.

I'll give you a minute as that sinks in.

I know. Mind blown. 

I can see how it might be confusing.  You step in, you shut the door, it's enclosed...

Sooo close...

But not the same!

Let me tell you a secret...you may not be alone in there after all.

Imagine this scenario:

You step into that "phone booth".  You take a seat and begin engaging in some riveting conversation about Barbara and the thousands she's spent on her scandalous addiction to porcelain dolphins which caused her husband, Freddy, to leave her for Lynn - the tramp that cuts his hair.

You take a breath to let Trish fill you in on the latest - Girl, Lynn's pregnant! But according to Barbara, Freddy's sterile. It must have been Jim from the auto-body shop next to the salon. You know she's had a thing for him ever since he changed her oil.

During this pause I come in. It's silent. I find a stall. I sit down and just as I begin to pee you resume your conversation.

So this is awkward.

Do I stop mid-stream? Do I just let it flow?

I've really got to pee so full flow it is.

Oh, I really had to go - it's like Niagara Falls over here.

As I'm peeing - Good Lord, this is like the longest, loudest pee I've ever taken. Seriously, what am I going on now - like two minutes? And is that an echo?  Is my pee echoing?

Then I hear "Hahahaha. Yep, I am.  About to cop a squat."

I'm not even going to address the "cop a squat" expression.

Now my pee performance has been broadcast for the person on the other end of the phone.

Look, I enjoy an audience as much as the next person. I want to amuse you, entertain you, make you laugh and give you a good time.

I just don't want to do it while I'm peeing.

So put your damn phone away so I can pee in peace.  Without judgement from someone that actually uses the expression "cop a squat".

And for God's sake ladies, don't put your purse on the stall floor. I don't care if the door doesn't have a hook - put that damn purse around you're neck or dangle it from your teeth if you have to. Do. Not. Let. It. Touch. The. Floor.

Christmas Vacation

I cannot get into this work thing.

I just...can't.

A million and one things to do and I don't want to do any of them. Can I get a pass on being a responsible professional, just for today?

See, this is what happens - give me just a little taste of lazy life and I turn full-fledged sloth. Sloth Supreme. Grand Master Sloth. Queen of Slothville.

I'm convinced this is why God didn't give me the body of a Playboy or the face of a supermodel. Can you imagine what might have happened if He had? I might have ended up as some trophy-wife, spending my afternoons by the pool.  Nail appointment every Tuesday, hair done on Thursdays and Fridays spent at the spa. *shudder

And before you think something about me staying home: it's totally different. I will not be swimming in the lap of self-indulgence.  I'm simply trading one career for another. I'll be serving as maid, cook, chauffeur and personal assistant. Currently, I'm working part-time in all four of those positions but I need to go full-time so I can get benefits.

And by no stretch of the imagination is anything about me trophy wife.  I mean, on my very best day I would maybe classify as a participation medal.

Oh, yeah! Add fitness freak to that job list. It isn't explicitly written into my contract but buried in all the fine print is a clause exempting me from excusing my way out of exercise.

Damn it, I knew I should have read before signing!

So since I'm obviously trying to avoid accomplishing anything today, how bout a share a quick recap of the holidays?  I had some funny stories and thought-provoking insights to share but like I said...I'm in lazy mode which means you get little more than a pictorial review. Sorry, lazyfest is in full effect.

Christmas light viewing fun.  My Mom made arrangements for us to go in a limo, because she is super fun like that.

And made sure the adults had drinks. I told you she was fun.

I'm not sure if it was the champagne or the lights but by the end of the night, I found myself festive.

Christmas Eve with the fam. The night consisted of food, food and more food mixed in with games and some present opening.

I have two sisters, that I love equally. Older sister was late and did not make the photo.

Awkward girl sorority pose...

Merry Christmas!

My family loves poop. It somehow becomes a topic at every family gathering.  This was one of two poop presents.

One of my favorite presents from the night. A journal in my favorite color (it looks kinda gray in this picture but it's purple) with my favorite scripture.

My very favorite present - a Mother's ring.  Absolutely love this.

Then it was off for a Christmas vacation.

We started with a stay at the Choctaw Casino.  It was beautifully decorated for Christmas and the rooms were really nice.  We had a good but very overpriced meal - am I the only one that thinks $20 per person for a casino buffet is high?  Since we had never visited before we got $10 free play.  Within 5 minutes I was up $30 and cashing out. Hubby kept saying "Don't you want to keep playing, you're on a roll..." Um, no. I always quit when I'm up. That's why I always walk away with money and you don't...

Then it was off to Florida!

Don't judge the ugly - it's a travel day.

Not a fan of this weird coconut drink.

Definitely fan of this drink.

Then to the game.

Oh, the game.

It started with such hope.

And ended with such heartbreak.

This was my face for a large part of the game.  The WTF expression of the guy behind me sums it up nicely.

But we're going to forget that we lost because...New Years Eve!

And what classy night doesn't begin at McDonald's?

Seriously? I wore sequins for this?

At least Ronald knows how to treat a lady...

Then on the road again...

I wore my Oklahoma shirts with pride. We may not have played well, we may have been out coached but I love my Sooners.

I'm convinced that Idon'tknowwhere, Alabama has one of the coolest convenience store in the United States.

Enter through the bus to a room with this wallpaper...trippy, man!

I even got attacked by a skeleton for refusing to yell "Roll tide!"

And then, home again.

Great trip, great friends and great memories.

 And just for the hell of it, BOOMER SOONER!

Alarming

Well hello from the land of holiday busy and fun!

I am currently trying to prevent my ears from bleeding as I suffer through the annoying and nerve-pinching screech of the fire alarms. That's right kiddos, fire alarms at 7:30 a.m.

Actually, our third round of fire alarms. Apparently, having them sound off for 10 minutes once isn't quiet enough.

Because we all need a wake-up now and then, right?

And -10 points for me for being a bad blogger. Because I know you were sitting breathless, waiting for my return.

But I'm not even going to apologize - I've had a super good time the last few weeks. I'll try to fill you in on that later but for now, I must find some cotton or anything to ram in my ears. We just started round four of the alarms and I probably won't make it past a fifth...

Bah Humbug

How is it almost Christmas?

7 days? Really, how is that possible?

I don't know why it doesn't feel like Christmas to me. Maybe it's the unseasonably warm weather we've had. Or because we're doing a small Christmas this year.  It doesn't make sense to pay for two
storage buildings (yes, we have that much crap!) only to buy more crap.  I mean, the girls are sharing this little bitty room and they hardly have space as it is - we had to put a lot of their toys and things in storage. There just isn't room.  So I feel like I've done very little shopping, very little wrapping. I finished last night and was like, that's it?  Where are all the presents?  They are getting presents. We just scaled back.

Maybe it doesn't feel like Christmas because all my Christmas stuff is in storage. We didn't even have a tree. We had a nice big tree at our old house. We kept it stored in this little built-in storage area in our bedroom but when we moved hubby decided he was just going to leave it there. It was just one more thing to haul off and one more thing to try to fit in storage.  And I don't blame him. That move was horrendous. And the tree wouldn't have fit anyway - it was taller than the ceilings in our trailer.

What I didn't expect was for hubby to suggest that we just forgo a tree completely this year. Um, no. We have young children that are kinda sorta expecting a tree and agree with it or not, that's a big part of our holiday culture. So we have a tree. This little tiny Charlie Brown looking thing.

We got it home and put it up. And that's really an exaggeration. There was no "putting up". I opened the box. I spread a few limbs. Ta-da! There was our tree.

Our tree without any ornaments.

Because, you know, they're all in storage.

What a bummer. Especially because I actually have an obscene amount of ornaments. I like to do different color schemes with our tree every year - red/green, blue/silver, red/gold - I mix it up every year. This year I had actually planned to do purple/pink/turquoise. I specifically bought ornaments in that color scheme.  Hubby would have hated it. But hey, if you don't decorate then you don't get to complain.

The lack of ornaments actually turned out to be a fun thing. The girls strung popcorn and spent a day crafting so they had fun and the tree is fully decorated. And I'm still vacuuming up glitter.

But it's not the same and I'm just not in full Christmas excitement this year. We've got some fun Christmas things planned for this weekend and I'm hoping that gives me the little bump I need.

I mean, what's Santa going to do without his designated Elf in full Elf mode?

Merry, Merry, Merry

I had an amazing night.

We had our student Christmas/end of year event. On our way to dinner we had Christmas music playing on the radio and everyone was singing and I got caught up in the moment and I just busted out singing too. And as a courtesy, I don't generally sing in public. But there I was - belting out lyrics. That got them even more excited - they were all like "Look at Amber!"

But I promise you, there wasn't a person in that van that wasn't excited, or happy, or feeling great. And that's what it's all about. I mean, here I am taking them out for a night - nothing extravagant, just dinner and a play but it was so special. For some of them it's the first and maybe only opportunity they'll have to see a play, for some it was having a decent meal and for others it was simply being around people they care about.

Then after dinner I brought out surprise Christmas presents and we played Dirty Santa. Sometimes that's difficult to play because it seems like someone always ends up mad so I was a little hesitant but they all had fun with it and it turned out great.

Then off to the play. Which, despite a minor delay due to technical difficulties, was wonderful. It really was a good production.

Driving back all I could feel was gratitude. Gratitude that everything went well, gratitude for a good evening, gratitude the I get the opportunity to have this job.  And we're singing and talking and laughing. And they're bickering about what station to listen to.  And someone is too cold and someone else is too hot and all I could do was smile.

Because this is family.

Flashback

There was a Jeremy!

He almost sank my parent's boat, how could I forget him?

Summer after my Senior year of high school. My Dad was traveling a lot for work and my Mom let us take the boat out to the lake. Without my Dad's knowledge. That was intentional because we both knew he would have said hell no. They were nearing their divorce and I think my Mom just honestly didn't care what he thought - although she did let him have the boat in the divorce, which was a lot nicer than I would have been.

So I knew nothing about boats, except how to sit in one. So Jeremy handled everything. Or so I thought.  We were cruising out towards the lake when I notice water on the bottom of the boat. A large amount of water. And very soon an alarming amount of water.

See, there's a drain plug that you're supposed to put in before you put the boat in the water.  We didn't have that in. We got really lucky because after a lot of effort, he was able to jam it in while I furiously scooped water out of the boat.

Fun times.

We didn't "date" very long - hardly at all. Shortly after the boat incident he was supposed to come over and he was super late. Like hours and hours. At one point I think he called after I paged him to say it wouldn't be much longer. But it was. And I thought it was super rude.

Him and his friend strolled in like nothing was wrong, he walked up to me and put his arm around my shoulder and I removed it and said something along the lines of "I don't think so." and I told him what I thought.

He didn't say a word, just turned around and walked out.

And I was fine with that. I knew I didn't want to be treated that way and if that was the way it was going to be, I didn't want it.  There weren't any hard feelings - we had mutual friends and saw each other a few times after that - just not a good fit, obviously.

And I just remembered that I ran in to him at a bar several years later and he invited me over to have a threesome with him and his wife.  Uh, how did I forget that?  That was a crazy experience.  I probably tried to block it from my mind. The asking was the crazy experience. Nothing else. Because my answer to him was 'No thanks'.

So there was a Jeremy...but I am 100% that was not the Jeremy that called.