Emergency PSA

I have a really important public service message. Like, really important.

I know this may come as a shock to many of you but...public restrooms are NOT private phone booths.

I'll give you a minute as that sinks in.

I know. Mind blown. 

I can see how it might be confusing.  You step in, you shut the door, it's enclosed...

Sooo close...

But not the same!

Let me tell you a secret...you may not be alone in there after all.

Imagine this scenario:

You step into that "phone booth".  You take a seat and begin engaging in some riveting conversation about Barbara and the thousands she's spent on her scandalous addiction to porcelain dolphins which caused her husband, Freddy, to leave her for Lynn - the tramp that cuts his hair.

You take a breath to let Trish fill you in on the latest - Girl, Lynn's pregnant! But according to Barbara, Freddy's sterile. It must have been Jim from the auto-body shop next to the salon. You know she's had a thing for him ever since he changed her oil.

During this pause I come in. It's silent. I find a stall. I sit down and just as I begin to pee you resume your conversation.

So this is awkward.

Do I stop mid-stream? Do I just let it flow?

I've really got to pee so full flow it is.

Oh, I really had to go - it's like Niagara Falls over here.

As I'm peeing - Good Lord, this is like the longest, loudest pee I've ever taken. Seriously, what am I going on now - like two minutes? And is that an echo?  Is my pee echoing?

Then I hear "Hahahaha. Yep, I am.  About to cop a squat."

I'm not even going to address the "cop a squat" expression.

Now my pee performance has been broadcast for the person on the other end of the phone.

Look, I enjoy an audience as much as the next person. I want to amuse you, entertain you, make you laugh and give you a good time.

I just don't want to do it while I'm peeing.

So put your damn phone away so I can pee in peace.  Without judgement from someone that actually uses the expression "cop a squat".

And for God's sake ladies, don't put your purse on the stall floor. I don't care if the door doesn't have a hook - put that damn purse around you're neck or dangle it from your teeth if you have to. Do. Not. Let. It. Touch. The. Floor.