I've been in a little "mood" the last few days; just a lot on my mind and I'm trying to process everything. Sometimes it's harder for me to do than you would think...
I'm torn. Roy's funeral is next weekend and I would really like to go. Because of my childhood (more on that some other time) I grew up with a very different perspective on death and funerals. I recognize that they are really for the living and yet that knowledge doesn't diminish my desire to pay my respects and get some closure.
I didn't get to tell him goodbye. I never got through on the phone; I'm assuming he was already past the point of coherence by the time I was told about his condition. I did leave a heartfelt and emotional message expressing my love and appreciation for the time we had together. I hope, and would like to believe, that it was played for him before he passed.
Obviously, finances are a factor. Initially the tickets I found were about $1,100 and that doesn't include rental car, hotel, or food. Benny was able to find a package deal for about $850 but we would have to stay until Sunday and I have some conference obligations. My older sister is flying out and she got super cheap airline tickets but she's staying until Tuesday...it's always cheaper to fly during the week as opposed to the weekend.
I'm just not sure how I would feel about passing my responsibilities off...or who I would pass them off to. If I was just attending the conference it wouldn't even be a factor but I committed myself and feel the need to follow through on what I signed up for...and since the funeral is on Saturday the earliest I could fly home would be Sunday so I would miss at least one day.
There is a part of me that feels like none of that should matter, that I shouldn't put these things first. And a part of me would be relieved because there is someone at the conference that I would prefer not to see and it's unavoidable that there will be some, although as minimal as I can make it, interaction...I generally try to avoid people who dislike me. But still....my sense of responsibility overrides that.
And then I feel guilty about putting work before people - something I try really hard not to do. So I am torn and bothered and unsettled.
I'm off to church, going to pray and hope that I receive some direction...
2 comments:
Go say good bye...it will be ok. Is there something I could help do for you with conference? I will be there Saturday afternoon and would love to help out. Let me know!
I'll pray for you as well, but if you want my opinion...you already know what it's going to be. Go. It's something you need to do for yourself and situations like these aren't planned. Anyone who has half a heart and mind would understand. You know I got your back and anything that needs to be done I'll do!! Don't even worry about Tuesday. I'm serious Amber Lou. You don't want any regrets.
Post a Comment