Pray For Me

Pray for me.

Seriously.

My spirit is soooo not right. It's the Christmas season and I feel at this time, more than ever, I should be striving to live a Christ-life existence but instead I'm being ugly and resentful.

My MIL is coming to visit. She arrives tonight. We've invited her to visit to 1. save some money and 2. give her an opportunity to see the M in her school program and see both girls during their ballet recital.  We offered to buy her gas for the trip because that's cheaper than us spending the money on our own gas and a hotel room.

And that's the issue.  I'm growing increasingly resentful that we have to pay her to come visit.

When I first met her she lived in what was a half step better than a shack. It was a handmade house made mostly out of pressed board without any insulation. It was shocking. So several years ago, when we were in a position to, we bought 15 acres with a house in her area. And by "in a position to" I mean we had just enough good credit, not that we had enough money. The house in not nice and needed and still needs some repair. But it is bigger and nicer than what she had so we bought it on the condition that she would live there and pay the mortgage. Basically, we just used our credit to finance it for her.  It was a son taking care of his Mom.

She lived there about 2 years and then moved out. We were stuck with the mortgage and an empty house. We tried to sale it but the area is rural so it sat empty.  About a year ago she moved back in and she's making the mortgage payment. This time, however, she's moved a trailer onto the land and my FIL and SIL live in it. And pay her rent. Enough to cover the entire mortgage payment.

She's on welfare so she has limited income but I'm still resentful that it seems we're always having to dish out money to have a relationship with her. I just know too much about her financial situation to believe that she can't come visit us unless we give her money. 

And I know, I know, that the money doesn't matter. In my heart I know it's worth the money to give her an opportunity to see the girls and experience some of the things she misses because she lives so far away...I know this. So why, why do still kinda resent it?

See, see how ugly and petty that is? So pray for me that I change my attitude and focus on the fact that the girls will spend some valuable and cherished time with a woman they love...

Wired Up

This is turning out to be the Monday that wasn't...it can't feel like a Monday if you're not in the office, right?

I had a meeting first thing this morning - got to share the fabulous news that our program has met exceeded our objectives for the second year in a row. Such a relief to know we are doing something right.

Immediately after that I was off to the orthodontist for an emergency visit. Not a real emergency; a brace emergency. Which essentially means that at my visit last Thursday, one of the wires was not cut short enough and was cutting my cheek. So it was a real emergency to me. Seriously, take a wire and poke around in your mouth and you'll understand - it was an emergency. 

I waited for an hour. AN HOUR. They kept calling people back and I'm just sitting there...waiting. It took a total of 30 seconds for them to cut it and I was done. Seriously, you couldn't have slipped me in somewhere like 20 minutes ago?  I did say something kinda borderline rude to the receptionist, after I looked up and caught him dancing (moves from A Chorus Line) behind the desk. And wala - they called me back a few minutes later.  Of course, I have to be careful...they're still working on my teeth.

Really though, the business practices of that place are ridiculous. From the t-shirt lady to the scheduler - who when I called this morning asked, with an attitude, if I was wearing wax. As if that was a simple solution I was just too dumb to figure out. I could hear her thinking  "OMG, do we really need to see you about that?"

Yes, lady, I'm wearing wax. If I don't my cheek will bleed. But my cheek shouldn't be bleeding, should it? Do cheeks do that? Just spontaneously bleed? Because I kinda thought it might have had something to do with this WIRE STICKING OUT.

And I'm not dealing with wax for the next 8 weeks. You can forget that.  So until I'm done I'll be at the mercy of their rude staff and long waits. But you better believe that I'm telling everyone that will listen about my experience and directing them to keep shopping...

Special Me

As soon as I hit the button to publish that last post I heard something. I've just watched this really creepy and demented show and out of dead silence I hear something creak and then a low moan.  Talk about jumping out of the chair!

It took me a full minute to realize it was my child.  No time to be scared when you've got a kid with a tummy ache.  Poor thing was suffering while her Mommy was frozen trying to figure out what was coming to get her. 

But I wasn't really frozen from fear - I just have a really, really slow reaction time. I don't know why but it takes me a minute to process things. I think my mental faculties are fully functioning, although there are days when that is debatable...but they're a little slow. It just takes a minute for things to register with me. 

That's why I think I'm not good at sports. I can't react fast enough. Like if a ball is coming at me my brain thinks: Ball....coming...at...you.  Then it hits: BALLCOMINGATYOU! and instead of reaching out and catching it, I'm in this panic mode so I shut my eyes, turn my head, and put my hands up to try and protect my face.

It's also how I managed to run over a dead deer.  I did see the deer laying in the middle of the road,  but by the time I processed that important piece of information I was already feeling the thump of rolling over it.  Sad.

At least I think this delay in processing is related mostly to physical reactions. It doesn't seem to take me long to process during conversations - I think I keep up. But then again, maybe all those times I've been told I was special, they really meant I was special...

Scaredy Cat

Man, I've been in a weird mood all day.  Not in a bad mood. Not at all.  I've just been...unsettled. I don't know why...but this whole day I've just felt...anxious?  Tense? But not quite because those words are really too strong to describe it.  I don't know, I just kinda felt bothered.

I had planned to run tonight but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen. I would have actually already been in bed except I watched American Horror Story tonight and I am especially creeped out. I probably shouldn't have watched it given that I felt on edge today - it's got me more freaked out than normal. 

And I'm not alone but I'm the only one awake so it feels like I am and I'm dreading going to bed. Not the actual bed part, that part sounds pretty nice...it's the walking across the dining room and climbing up the stairs in total darkness that I want to avoid.

You would think that would be enough for me to decide that I need to stop watching this show but ask me next week and I'll probably say I watched it...My dating history is proof that I clearly have a pattern of forgetting about consequences in order to do what I want in the moment. This is not a characteristic that has served me well.

Okay, gathering up all my courage so I can run up the stairs as fast as I can...and wish me luck because that isn't very fast at all. If there is something lurking under the staircase, I wouldn't stand a chance of getting away...

Lights Please

I’m not sure what happened but our entire block lost power this morning. We all had to get ready in the dark so that was kinda interesting. Really glad I got those light-blocking blinds and curtains. At least now I know they really work because it was pitch black. Don’t know why I didn’t think of actually opening them…I guess that just would have been too easy.

Of course, anything out of our usual routine messes us up and it took us twice as long to get ready. So we got out the door late. And M missed her bus. She was thrilled because the coolest thing in the world right now is being a “car rider”. But only because it’s the opposite of what she does; if I dropped her off each morning she would beg me to ride the bus. So that put me behind schedule. I made it to work at 8 but I was late – missed my early morning catch-up time. I love getting early so I can get my day started before everything really kicks in and I had a list of things I wanted to get done that I still haven’t gotten to yet.

Finally got our house in Christmas mode. I usually do all that the day after Thanksgiving, or immediately when we get back from visiting the in-laws. This year, however, we stayed an extra night out of town visiting some friends and then when we got back it was the (completely awesome and amazing) Bedlam game and then I flew out for conference the next morning. So my family has been patiently, or more accurately not so patiently, waiting for the arrival of Christmas at our house.

I spent Saturday helping husband paint a rental. We had the radio on, just working away while the girls played outside - it was actually pretty fun. Until we got home and I discovered that some brown paint I had dripped on my chest had bleed through to my new bra. SO frustrating! I just bought the dang thing and it took me forever to find. It’s not that’s it cute or anything – I actually had to buy it because it’s not. I have a dress with a top that’s kinda sheer and every bra I have has a pattern or lace and you could see through it and it looked tacky. So I spent a lot of time hunting down a Grandma bra. I don’t even like it – it’s as plain as they make them…doesn’t even have a little bow in the middle or anything. It’s so not attractive. But now I have to find another one, or just never wear that dress. I may just have to consider painting braless from now on because I can’t afford to ruin anymore of these things – pretty underthings are not cheap!

So Sunday my plan was do go home from church, do lunch and naps and spend that time hauling everything out and getting it set-up so that we could decorate as soon as the girls woke up. But we got derailed – M2 had some serious red, patchy blotches going on so we made an unplanned trip to the doctor. We waited almost 2 hours and then they couldn’t diagnose her. In fact, the doctor even suggested taking her to another facility because she just wasn’t sure what was going on. Although she was confident it was a virus and not any of the toxic ones. And then, just as suddenly as it came on – it completely disappeared. It was the weirdest thing…

And since we’d already driven to the doctor we went ahead and had lunch and did some shopping before we went home. So it was late before we started the whole decorating thing and I’m still not done. I’ve got stuff strewn out everywhere. It looks like an elf puked in my living room – there is red, green and sparkle everywhere.

I think I’ve got the husband talked into doing the outside lights so they may actually look decent this year. Our poor neighbors have had to put up with my sloopy, too-short-to-reach-anything-even-on-a-ladder job for the past 5 years. I think they deserve a reprieve – it’s like our own personal gift to them. Enjoy the splendor of my husband’s height as you marvel at his fabulous light job…and soak up the scene because it may be another 5 years before he does it again!

Fight For Your Right To Paaaaarty

When I was rudely woken up this morning by my alarm clock I was cursing myself that I didn't take the day off but I'm really glad I didn't because I was able to start on some things and work up a little creativity. Spent just a little bit of time thinking about some things for our state conference and I'm already getting so pumped about it.  See, this is why I should be out of the office a little more....I always come back a little better.

Speaking of come back...just got done running! Yes, yes you've heard it all before - I'm going to pick myself up and start again, recommit, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'll spare you all that. I'm just going to try to take it day by day....maybe even hour by hour. It's much too annoying to continue admitting how much I keep quiting and then starting over - like a messy relationship.

While I was running I was thinking of some songs I want to put on a playlist for our conference hospitality. Probably because of a great place we visited in New Orleans - man, they were playing great music - Micheal Jackson, Vanilla Ice, Beastie Boys...it was awesome!  Everyone in that place was dancing. Except these two guys. They were just self-consciously leaning against the bar and scrutinizing everyone...one would stand there until the other leaned over and said something to him and then they would both look. That's all they did the whole time. Just stood and watched people. While we were dancing I caught one looking at me and then he leaned in and said something and the other one kinda nodded and smirked. Which made me lean in to one of my girlfriends and say "Those two guys are making fun of me but they're wearing skinny jeans. Skinny jeans." I paused to let it sink in.  "And they're making fun of me." To which she kinda nodded and smirked...

Off to sneak into bed...I've got a rude alarm clock I'm gonna have to deal with tomorrow.

Lesson Learned

Just returned from New Orleans after attending our regional conference. Got some really good and informative material,  spent a little time with some of my favorite people, met some  new TRiO friends and had some really, really good food.

And broke a shoe.

Went to Bourbon Street with some friends one evening wearing my dancing shoes. I can dance all night in heels.  In fact, I don't think I've ever gone out in anything but heels. But not this night. I thought I was having trouble walking because the brick sidewalks. When we started dancing my feet were killing me and I had trouble dancing. Like real trouble. I just really couldn't dance. Not that I dance all that great to begin with but it just wasn't right. I tried to move my hips but it just ended up wobbly instead. It was ugly and my feet were killing me so I went back to my room. 

The next day I noticed my shoe looked off.  I picked it up and my heel had broken in half. In half. The material had kept it enclosed, which is lucky because otherwise I would have been hobbling all over New Orleans.  Poor, poor stilettos - they finally crumbled under the pressure. It's not an easy job for little heels to support so much weight but they were good to me and got me though  many, many nights of dancing. Hated to lose those shoes.

On the flight home I heard a voice say "Did you enjoy the SWASAP conference?" It was the guy in front of me. He was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses but I was sure I hadn't met him. This isn't surprising though - my height kinda makes me memorable. Some women are remembered for their beauty or their intellect...I'm remembered for my stature. *Sigh

So we start visiting and when I mistake him for someone that was recognized with an award at the conference he informs me that I'm mistaken, he's was the guy that feel down the stairs.  When I indicated I hadn't heard about that he was surprised and said it was really embarrassing.

That's embarrassing?

No.  Standing up in front of a room full of your colleagues to correct something only to discover that you're the one that's wrong - that's embarrassing. I should know, I did it.

I don't know why but as we get older, we become really self-conscience about being wrong.  We stop raising our hands in class because we're so afraid to give the wrong answer.  We're no longer brave enough to venture a guess.  And because of this fear, sometimes things are done incorrectly but no one will say anything because what if they are...*cue suspenseful and foreboding music...WRONG!

And I'm TOTALLY part of that group. I mean, who wants to look like they don't know? But I did know. I was sure.  I served as Secretary for our state organization for four years and knew how it was suppose to be done - I typed the minutes to record that it was done. So when I saw it wasn't being done correctly I couldn't not say anything. We needed to do it right.

Except, it wasn't right. What I knew...I didn't really know at all because it was wrong. Oh. My. God. Now that's embarrassing.  I tried to will my body not to turn four shades of red as I stood there wanting to melt.

Yay for not being able to keep my big fat mouth shut!

And I totally revoke #14 from my last list. I crawled up in my husband's lap and totally came on to him but was blown off for a show about a bunch of hillbillies that make moonshine. I've been gone 4 days - four days -  and you would rather watch tv? I mean, I know it's absolutely riviting to watch grown men in overalls run through the woods but...really? 

Of course, he's been a single Dad for the last few days and I know he's worn out. I can actually hear him snoring from the couch now....but if he tells me he has a headache next time I'm gonna worry!

Thankful List

Before we head out for the Thanksgiving celebrations, I wanted to take a few minutes to list some things I'm grateful for....but nothing too deep or series. This is just the superficial, shallow, and frivolous stuff:

1. Sheets with high thread counts. It's like sleeping on soft butter and I can never go back. Thanks Mom for ruining me.

2. Cell phones. I know I survived without one but they sure make life easier. I remember getting lost and driving around aimlessly trying to figure out where I was because there wasn't a payphone around. Or because I didn't have a quarter. And running late? What was the point of pulling over to call? It just took more time! Now all I have to do is reach into my purse. And plug in my Garmin.

3. My sisters. I love having built-in friends. And someone to steal clothes from.

4. Bar Keepers Friend cleaner. The stuff is like cocaine for cleaners.

5. Depilatory creams. I am unnaturally hairy. Really, I think I'm a step closer to a monkey than the average person because there is no reason a human needs this much body hair. No reason at all. It's especially attractive because I'm female...because every dude wants a chick with more body hair than him...so I have to take care of it, for everyone's sake, and I swear depilatory creams work like magic.

6. That I have a flexible job with adequate leave so that I can be a working Mom and still make the class field trip, the Thanksgiving feast, and the Christmas party.

7. That I have a job.

8. Dr. Pepper. For as long as I can remember I've had a soda addiction. Sometimes the addiction has changed - it's been Mountain Dew, Coke, Dr. Pepper - I like them all. And as unhealthy as it is, as hard as it is to struggle with, and despite the fact that I try to quit - I can't deny that I love soda. It's like that boyfriend that you know you should hate but you just can't...

9. Mobile banking. This is especially helpful for people like me who never balance their checkbook or know how much money they have at any given moment.

10. Scary, psychological thriller movie/tv shows. It's a little bit demented but I do like the creepiness.  A guy from work recommended An American Horror Story and it's really, really intense and out there and at times may even kinda be boarderline sadistic. And I've been watching it every week.

11. Scented room spray. You try sharing a bathroom with my husband and then tell me that isn't something to be thankful for.

12. Having stairs. No matter what, I'm guaranteed to go up the stairs a minimum of 5 times a day. And sometimes that's the only exercise I get.

13. That I don't have to do manual labor. I help my husband with his houses occasionally and actually enjoy painting but I couldn't do it everyday. Or even very often.

14. That it doesn't matter how wide or squishy I am, my husband still finds me attractive enough to give me some lovin. It's kinda an important need and a big part of marriage. That would be my advice to all couples - make sure you find someone who gives you what you need in the bedroom. You'll always have people in your life to make you laugh, make you feel special, and that you enjoy being around. But ideally, this is the only person you will ever have sex with again.  Let that sink in people and listen to me when I tell you to choose wisely and make sure it's good.

15. Sangria swirls. There use to be a restaurant, a sports bar that me and my friends would go to almost every week (free bingo) that made the BEST sangria swirls. They went out of business (maybe free bingo) and I've never found a place that could beat their swirls.  Oh Varsity, how I miss you!

16. That my life is comfortable enough that I actyally have superficial, shallow and frivolous things to be grateful for!

Big Spender

Spent too much money this weekend but had a blast. Actually, husband spent too much money because he took care of the tab. AND gave me gambling money. That's a good man right there.

Technically it's "our" money but we have separate accounts for our spending money and it all came out of his pile. So he gets the points.

There isn't a place that brings people of all social classes together like a casino. I saw people that didn't appear to have much money, who were probably feeding the machines the money they needed to pay bills. They were there to hit it big and strike it rich. Some of them looked down right desperate.

There were people like us, who brought a designated amount of money and agreed that once it was gone it was gone. We were willing to spend that money for entertainment, whether we won or lost. It was a night of fun, but nothing too outrageous.

Then there were my husband's business associates. Wives with diamonds as wide as their fingers. A bar tab over $500. These are people with money out the wazoo. They were willing to throw away more money than I could even imagine spending at a casino. And I'm pretty sure they won some too. Let's face it - it's easier to win when you play with big money. It's tough to get rich off the penny slot machine.

It's just funny though, because at a casino, social classes and money don't really make that much difference. We're all sitting next to each other doing the exact same thing. Of course, the reasons we're doing it vary greatly but it's still interesting to me.

And it's unfortunate but money can't buy you social graces or intelligence. I'm not trying to be mean, but…and you know, anytime someone says "I'm not trying to X," that is exactly what they are doing…so yeah, I'm gonna be mean. One of the business associate wives was a little dumb. The restaurant we were going to eat at, some swanky steakhouse, was all booked up so we ended up at Toby Keith's. She asked what calf fries were. She's not originally from Oklahoma and I can understand that she didn't know. When we explained it she genuinely asked how they could sell them because how were there enough cows, since they each only have two balls, right? And I can see how she might have imagined they were served - two huge fried testicals…so I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. Then she leaned over to me and asked what sweet tea was. I'm not sure how she felt when I said "It's tea that's sweet. It has sugar in it." Which I know sweet tea is kinda a southern thing but you're in your forties and you've never been around anyone that's drank it before? Especailly since her husband was the one that ordered it. Then she was telling us she was surprised when she found out some of the girls her daughter goes to college had actually grown up there. She said "I was like really? What do people do here?" The exact same things they do everywhere. It's a smaller community but it's a college town, not a rural area. It was really like she didn't understand that anyone could live there except to go to college. I was trying my hardest not to look at the husband and to keep my face perfectly blank.

Too bad that poker face didn't help me win any money…

Roadtrip! I look rough when I travel...

Roadtrip snack - husband's, not mine.

He was having fun, promise! A little too much fun!

R&R

Headed out of town tomorrow for a much needed weekend away. The last few weeks have been busy, hectic and stressful so I'm making it a point to enjoy myself. 

Spending the weekend at the Hardrock casino with some friends.  We aren't really into gambling - if you know how financially conservative my husband is you might be shocked that he gambles at all.  I think I enjoy it more than him and that make sense;  I'm an adrenaline junkie. I mean, I've been bungee jumping twice and sky diving - it's safe to say I like the rush. But I don't go very often at all - I've actually only been twice outside of Vegas. 

I don't think there's real entertainment value for the hubby but all his buddies are into. Big time. So when they have guy time they are usually at the casino. Or in the middle of the woods trying to start fires and build things. That's about the extent of guy time.

So if I'm lucky I might end the weekend with a little extra cash in my pocket. Even if I don't, I'm calling it a win anyway...

*And I'm thinking of a friend and hoping for a quick and easy recovery. Take it slow and don't push yourself too hard!

The Truth Hurts

The last few weeks I have just totally let everything go. I've been shoveling food into my mouth like I was a garbage disposal. And Dr. Pepper...I went there. More than once. Not even the diet stuff.

And I'm fully aware that it's all related to the fact that I'm just a little...depressed.

I'm just having a hard time dealing with the sudden and sobering realization that I'm not good at my job.  I've kinda suspected it and wondered but I think I was able to offer explanations or excuses. I kinda thought a lot of what I encountered was growing pains and would dissipate once our program got rolling. But that is clearly not the case.

I would vent to my husband and relate events and he would offer up all his "solutions" - the you shoulda, I woulda, you need to - and I would always think to myself that he didn't really understand, it didn't apply, that it didn't work that way in a program like mine. 

But I have a philosophy that I seem to apply to everyone, except myself, and that's if problems keep occurring, sometimes you gotta look at the common denominator and realize the real problem may be with yourself.

So the other night we got into a particularly nasty fight. Oh, don't judge.  Every couple fights, whether it's admitted or not. And if they don't, well...they haven't been together long enough. 

Soooo, there was a fight and it was completely unrelated and irrelevant but he was losing so in a desperate attempt to gain some momentum he threw one below the belt and essentially told me that I couldn't run my program because I was a piss poor manager.

Now, before you start to think that he's a giant ass, let me just point out that we've all spewed some not so nice and hurtful things during a fight. That's kinda what makes it a fight and not a discussion. Most of us, however,  aren't unfortunate enough to have those things repeated and blasted in a blog.

But here's the thing. Usually, I'm the mean one in a fight. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm the middle child and spent most my life learning to be diplomatic (which makes me ferocious in a fight because I can always see the other argument and break it down and destroy it) or the fact that I'm pretty good at empathising with people (which allows me to understand what others are feeling and identify weaknesses) or if it's the fact that I'm just down-right mean...but when I fight, really fight, I go for the jugular.  No holding back, I'm in it for the kill.

I'm not proud of that. At all. It's horrible. But it is true.  So when the husband hurls the occasional insult my way they seem so far-fetched and remote that I know he doesn't believe what he's saying, it's all in the heat of the moment. And it has little impact.

But this, this has got in my head. And I realize that the reason why is that deep-down, I know it's true.

It's like all the qualities that made me good in my previous job are what prevent me from being good at this one.  Yes, I've stepped up and taken care of difficult things but that's always outside my comfort zone and is so unnatural for me. I make too many allowances, am too easy, and simply care about relationships a little too  much. 

And the thing about it is, I know how I should be, I know how I have to be in order to be effective. But it's like I can't really squeeze out how I am as a person.  I can't change who I am at my very core.  It's like this battle that I'm never going to win.

I will never be the person I need to be in order to run this program the way it needs to be run.

And that's disturbing, disappointing, and depressing.  And I'm not sure what to do.

So I've been stuffing my face. Because that seems like a perfectly good and reasonable way to resolve any issue, don't you think?

Get Me Out Of Here

I don't think I can take one more day of stupid, immature behavior. Seriously, I am on the edge of just losing it with someone. I just DON'T UNDERSTAND what's SO hard about acting like an adult and doing what you say you're going to do?  REALLY PEOPLE?  Is it THAT hard?

I just want to get away.  Cue Tainted Love lyrics (off key, of course) "sometimes I feel I've got to run away, I've got to get away" NO, I will not let that little tune break me out of my mood. Even if it is catchy.

It seriously makes me want to go live in a cage. That way I don't ever have to encounter another stupid person in my  life.  No dealing with messes, no trying to fix problems, no scrambling to cover for someone that dropped the ball, no politics. Just me, some bananas and my cave.

And I wouldn't ever have to shave my legs again.

Sounds like heaven...

My Week In Pictures

I had a super busy but fun week. Of course, that meant that I neglected my blog but it's not like I ever talk about anything really interesting so somehow I imagine everyone has survived my absence.

TUESDAY:

My sisters and I signed up to run a holiday series of 5K virtual runs. The idea is to keep motivated and active during the holidays - this is especially good for me because I'm the worst at getting in exercise and eating poorly. I do that most the time, not just around holidays.
My husband kept calling it my "fake run" because it's a virtual race. There isn't a run location, you pick your own and you have 3 days to run and enter your time on-line. Yes, people can cheat. I'm sure some probably do. But I didn't and there wasn't anything fake about my running. Trust me; my body was fully aware that there was no faking.

Before the run...

After the run...now I'm red.



This is what happens when you run too fast. Or when your BIL is a cop.


WEDNESDAY:
Halloween – my second favorite holiday. I don’t usually dress up at work but our student organization put on a Halloween party and I couldn’t not participate. Plus, every good Halloween party needs a witch and I am the perfect person to fill the role.

THURSDAY:
Dance night. Love watching my little ballerinas. Even if it does get hectic trying to fit dinner and homework in before bedtime.

FRIDAY:
School field trip for M. It was so much fun getting to spend the day with her. We spent some time on a farm. Not a real functioning farm - although they did have a few live animals - but a commercialized one for kids. It was neat though and I even had a chance to experience what milking a cow would be like...not a real cow but it's as close as I'll probably ever get.

Milking the "cow". Fun times!



M snapped this picture while we were on a train ride.
She loves taking pictures almost as much as I do.

SATURDAY:

Then it was off to work on a new rental. You probably couldn’t tell it but this one is actually not too bad. There isn’t a whole lot of work that needs to be done and I think, just maybe, we may be able to get it finished and rented by December. That’s the hope, anyway. And yes, the houses we usually get need much more work than this. Seriously.

This is where the toilet used to be. Oh, there was a floor there too.

The rest of the weekend was spent hanging out with some good friends for a little football and then celebrating my grandmother's birthday. Perfect way to end the week and start a new one!

Miracle Ring

My wedding ring is my nicest, most expensive piece of jewelry. My husband is very frugal so it was especially meaningful that he would make that kind of investment on something as “frivolous” as jewelry. We never, ever looked at rings and he selected it on his own. When he whipped out that little box I wasn’t sure what to expect…

It was the first diamond ring I ever owned and I was determined to take good care of it…so I read the little manual and followed the instructions. Part of those instructions were to remove the ring before washing your hands – soap dulls the diamond. So I did, fanatically. Every time I washed my hands I would stick the ring in my mouth and slip it back on. Let’s not talk about how unsanitary that was…I would rather not think about it. I was taking care of my ring and that’s all I cared about.

We had been married probably about a month when I looked down one afternoon and noticed my ring was gone. Gone. Immediately, I was filled with panic. What had happened? Then a rush of anxiety – I had gone to the bathroom that morning. Five hours ago. Could I have put it down? I ran to the bathroom. It wasn’t anywhere in site. I searched my whole office and checked everywhere on campus. It wasn’t anywhere. It was gone. Just gone.

I made a report with campus police. The officer was nice but gently told me that if it hadn’t been turned it by now, I would most likely never see my ring again.

I was devastated.

I left work to tell my husband. I had to look him in the eyes when I broke the news and I was too distraught to wait until that evening. On my way to my car I called my Mom and both sisters, asked them to form a prayer chain asking that whoever had my ring it would be laid on their heart to do the right thing and turn it in. At that point, prayer was all I had.

I made it to my husband’s office and I burst through the door sobbing. He was on the phone with a client but that didn’t stop me from nearly collapsing into his arms. All I could think about is how he had told me to take care of it and had actually said that if anything ever happened, I would be out of luck and wouldn’t get another one. I had been incredulous at the suggestion – I wasn’t a child, I wasn’t going to lose it. And then, to have to tell him otherwise, to have to admit my irresponsibility and see his disappointment…it was almost too much to bear. And definitely worse than actually losing the ring.

But I had made such a dramatic entrance that when I finally spit it out he was actually relieved. He told me that it was just a ring, it didn’t mean anything and didn’t matter that I had lost it. There was no disappointment or admonishment – just love and comfort. Which only made me feel worse.

I went through the phone book calling pawnshops – no one had the ring. And then, right when I should have been giving up I had the most comforting sense of reassurance that I would get my ring back. It was the strangest thing – I just knew. Logically, it made no sense. My husband was pretty unconvinced but I had peace in my heart and was confident.

When my supervisor asked the next day I told her that I hadn’t found the ring but that I was sure I was going to get it back. She looked at me very sympathetically. I’m sure she thought I was in denial. And I probably would have too – it sounds crazy unless it’s happening to you, how can you explain it? Telling someone you just have a “feeling” doesn’t do it justice – it really wasn’t a feeling. I just had absolute comfort and knowledge. Almost like someone had said to me, with supreme authority, “You will get your ring back.” Only I didn’t hear a voice. Really, I didn’t! I’m not crazy. I promise.

Around noon I was on the phone when my supervisor burst through my door, she could hardly contain her excitement as she said “We found your ring!”

We had a work study student that had been a previous student of my supervisors. In recovery, she hadn’t been working in our office long and her unreliable and sporadic behavior had actually made me wonder if she was using again. I had seen her in the office very briefly the morning before but she was gone by the time I had discovered my ring was missing.

She had called my supervisor, told her she found a ring on the bathroom counter the morning before, had put it in her pocket and “forgot” about it until right then. Where should she turn it in?

When my supervisor asked, the ring she described was mine. The student had no idea the ring belonged to me.

There is no doubt in my mind that the discovery was not forgotten. It seems logical that the very first thing you would do is come back from the restroom and start asking about lost and found. If you plan to turn it in. If not, you quietly slip it in your pocket, don’t say anything, and go about your day. And that is exactly what I think the original intentions were.

But God heard my prayers and the prayers of those that were said on my behalf. He laid it on her heart to do the right thing. And His command was too strong to ignore.

I picked up the ring and gave her some reward money and as I was leaving she said almost wistfully, “I was thinking, man, someone could really make some money off that at a pawn shop.”

Most of us live our lives without ever seeing a miracle. Or what we think a miracle should look like. Because to be a miracle, it has to be grand and ostentatious, right? Isn’t that what miracles are about?

And when we do encounter something that might qualify as a miracle, we find a reason or an explanation for what has happened so it’s dismissed and we fail to recognize it as anything divine.

But miracles occur every day – in the simplest of forms. I believe that’s the way God speaks to us – we have to listen, really listen, in order to hear Him. It isn’t neon lights and flashy signs…it’s much too delicate to advertise in that way.

So that was my first miracle. It may seem trite to liken the recovery of a wedding ring to a miracle but getting the ring back wasn’t the miracle. It was the opportunity to actually feel God at work. I’m sure the situation can be rationalized and explained away. And that there are those that feel like I’m just some fanatic trying to make more of this than there was…but I know what it was, and I’m not discounting it.

That Stinks

So I run into the house to grab M's dance bag and immediately when I open the door I notice an odor. Something is definitely not right. Is that? No, it can't be...surely not...but then again, it smells just like it...

Poop.

It smelled like poop. 

I walk to the bathroom, really, really slowly. Because I'm not sue what I'll find and I'm imagining some pretty gross stuff spewed everywhere. That happened to some neighbors of mine from a long time ago, a lovely family that I used to babysit for. One day their downstairs bathroom exploded. Exploded. Like a volcano, except with poop. It was everywhere and leaked into their entire downstairs. It was horrible. Made worse by the fact it was something to do with the city system and it was actually city sewage, stuff from everyone's toilet.  I don't know why, that just makes it worse. I mean, poop is gross but not as gross when it's yours.  Like when you're going and you know it stinks but it doesn't really stink.  But then if you walk into a bathroom right after someone's done it you start gagging and your eyes water up and you try really hard not to breathe because you don't want any of that entering your body...it's not that it's worse, it's just we're kinda immune to our own grossness.

So I'm really just bracing myself for a fountain of poo.  I look down the hall and nothing, the bathroom looks normal. But that smell was definitely coming from something so I creep into the bathroom and lift the lid. I was really thinking maybe someone just left a little gift in the toilet from this morning. Nope, all clear.

And the odor was the worse in the kitchen/dining room area. So I kinda quickly look around. I don't see anything but I know our house shouldn't smell like this...I thought maybe a small animal got inside a left a surprise.  Something, something must have happened for our house to smell like a toilet bowl.  And whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's not good.

So I grab the bag, head outside for the kid exchange and tell the hubby that house smells like crap. Literally. When I call to check he tells me the toilet is backed up but of course, he can't find anyone to come out tonight.  And of course, he's got an employee disciplinary hearing tomorrow and I'm conducting some training so neither one of us are available tomorrow.  Really, the Friday I absolutely can't miss is when this happens? Good grief!

And M2's birthday party is Saturday. So this should be interesting...

Almost Three

I am insane. 

Seriously.

I decided to paint the window trim in our living room. It needed to be painted.  Then I decided that I would go ahead and just paint all the trim downstairs. So it's day two and it's safe to say that was a huge mistake. Should have just focused on the windows.

But it will be nice to have everything freshened up....white trim and little kid hands do not mix. And we've got family and some close friends visiting this weekend. We're gathering to celebrate the cutest three year old in the world!

Yes, when she wakes up tomorrow my baby girls will be three! As cliche as it sounds, I cannot believe how quickly it has gone or how fast she has grown.  It's all gone fast but it was much faster with her. As unfortunate as it is, I think it's the plight of the second child. I had two little beings to take care of so I didn't have as much time or energy to note every little thing.

But I remember our first day at home together. It was dead silent and I just stared at her tiny little face. I sat and tried to blaze that imagine into my mind, trying to memorize every little detail. I didn't want that moment to end.  I had been so overwhelmed and worried with M that I never just sat to soak it all up. At least not in the very beginning. That's the advantage of the second child - you have a chance to redo. 

And now that fussy little baby has grown up into a sweet, funny, mischevious little girl. I love to hear her tell me every single day that the best part of daycare was "playing with the shobel" which means playing in the sandbox with the shovel.  Or if I accidently call her baby she corrects me with  "I'm not a baby, I'm baby girl!" And how when I tell her to stop doing something she will simply walk to the curtain, right in front of me, and continue to do it while she "hides" and is totally surprised when I rip back the curtain and catch her. And I love that she asks for yogurt first thing in the morning, immediately when I pick her up from daycare and the second I open the front door. The girls loves her some yogurt.

But my absolue favorite thing I love is when she is in my arms and I look down at the chubby little face because I'm trying to blaze that imagine into my mind, trying to memorize every little detail of who she is and what she's like at this phase and she gives me that big crinkley nose smile and says "I love you!"

Happy birthday sweet baby girl!

Fish Tales

"Stoops has gone on vacation."

That was the text I sent to my husband to let him know our family pet, a beta fish named Stoops, had passed away.  This was actually Stoops 2.0. He's gone on "vacation" once before.

We hadn't had the first fish very long when he made his departure.  He was gone for quite a while and when he returned, M who wasn't even 3, asked why he was a different color.  It was close, but apparently not close enough.  But everybody tans on vacation, right? So problem solved.

So Stoops 2.0 has been with us for over three years. I'm not sure about the life-span of a beta but it seems like a pretty long life for a fish.  And he's about to make a real quick return from vacation because in the absence of any kind of pet they may being to ask for a cat or a dog.

And I'm sure that will happen one day, but this point in our lives, a fish is about all we can handle.  Seriously, sometimes I think it's more responsibility to own a dog than it is to have a kid.  It's pretty easy to travel with a kid or to find a sitter...with a pet, not so much. So for now, a fish it is.

So I had one of those nights last night where being a parent was just really hard. Nothing that the girls were doing - it was completely me. But not 5 seconds passed that they didn't need something or ask me to do something. And I love my girls with all my heart, but I just wanted 10 minutes not hearing the word "Mommy". I just wanted to sit in peace. 10 minutes, that's all I wanted.  They were just absolutely exhausting. So I rushed them off to bed. And of course, they kept calling down or getting up.

It made me think of a really funny bedtime story I heard. It's TOTALLY inappropriate and SO wrong. It's pretty tacky but it's also very, very funny. Just because I think we've all those moments where we can relate...

So if you don't take it too seriously and aren't totally offended by the f-bomb, check it out the  funniest bedtime story ever. Just make sure your kids are nowhere around when you do...

Slugfest

I have no idea what is wrong with me but I just can't seem to get going. I lack any kind of motivation. I mean, I've always been lazy but this is at a whole new level.  The huge pile of clothes sitting on my couch agrees. My husband would agree too, because he informed me that he was almost out of underwear. And no matter how far behind I get, I usually try to make sure we all have clean drawers.

So this was kinda of an emergency deal. No underwear? What do we do? What do we do? Hubby throwing some in the washer wasn't on the list of options.  He had a very serious and debilitating reaction from his wedding band that wiped away any knowledge of how to operate the washing machine.  It's a pretty common side effect of marriage and while it's tragic, we try not to dwell on it too much.

I have been exercising again. But not consistently, like I need to be. I've had a couple of strength training days, then some cardio but with a day or two in between. I need to be doing something every single day. But something is better than nothing and I'll just have to work to get back on track.  But man, my slouthiness has really been getting in the way...

And so have my outrageous eating habits. I have no idea what is going on but I have been dumping all kinds of junk into my body. Like, I seriously need to stop now.  I'm going back to my calorie counter - not really to track calories but it does help to force me to think about it. Usually after it's already been consumed. But it's the difference between one donut and two. Or three.

Geez, if I would have know when I was picking my vices the challenges of being a stress eater,  I totally would have chosen to be a stress exerciser.  Unfortunately, I didn't read the fine print when I signed up for that deal...probably because it was covered in chip crumbs...

Nickel & Dime

We got a note from M’s school informing us we were “delinquent” on her cafeteria charges. This is the second note we’ve gotten.

But M doesn’t eat in the cafeteria. She’s a lunchbox. The first time it happened we asked her and she admitted having breakfast one day, because it “looked so good”. And how can I blame her, I do the same thing…mummm bacon. Must. Eat. Bacon.

The charges were actually more than just one breakfast, but it was a small amount and we just paid it and went on.

This time I ask M if she’s eaten again. She said she hadn’t, not since we told her not to. Any kid can fib, but she’s a good kid who generally listens to our instructions. Plus, she’s only 6 and she hasn’t mastered the art of lying yet, so it’s pretty obvious when she tries to. So I believe her.

So I call the school cafeteria. The lady totally brushed me off – it’s was an issue with the teacher, they rely on the teachers giving them the information so I’ll have to address it with her.

This was a little confusing because her teacher knows she doesn’t eat in the cafeteria. I mean, she sees her lunch box every day. Plus the first time we were charged I sent a little note with the check, telling the teacher that M brings her lunch. So I didn’t really think it was a teacher issue. But whatever. So I email the teacher and she tells me that she’s always put her down as a lunchbox and she’s never seen her eat in the cafeteria. And she even sent my note down to the cafeteria last time so they would know.

So I call the cafeteria again. And I must have annoyed her because she got very condescending and rude with me, telling me that they have no idea who my kid is and “how would we know how to charge your kid if they didn’t have something from the teacher?” Then she sighed very heavily and told me she would waive the fee this one time but if it happened again we would be responsible.

Hold on.

First, who asked you to waive the fee? That request never came from me and it was never my intention. Please….we’re talking about a few bucks.

All I’m trying to do is figure out what’s going on. There are three possibilities: M is throwing away her lunch and then buying a cafeteria one, M is eating two lunches, or I’m being charged for another kid’s lunch.

None of those are acceptable to me.

So, in a not very nice tone, I told her that I understood what she was telling me, that I understood it when she told me the first time that morning. What she didn’t understand was that the teacher says she’s not sending her name down and yet we’re getting charged and that I didn’t care whose mistake it is – I just wanted it resolved.

I guess she thought if she made me feel stupid I would just go away. But really, why does it take me getting snippy with you in order for you to offer to speak with the teacher and work it out? Obviously, there’s a problem in your system…shouldn’t you want to get that fixed?

And do you really think I care about $2.10 enough to take the time to make these calls? No, it’s the principle – something is wrong and it needs to be corrected. Keep the money, I just don’t want it happening again. Is that so hard?

I just don't get it, how come I've got to be an almost-bitch in order for you to treat me decently?  Shouldn't it have been the opposite? The nicer I am the more helpful you are...I kinda thought that was how it worked.
Guess that's just me...

Creepy Crawlies

Hello blog world!

You'll be happy to know that I did, indeed, survive my in-law weekend. It was a quick but expensive trip. We stay in a hotel and it kinda adds up. But I'm NOT complaining. Really. Bring on the hotel rates! Because an empty pocket is a lot better than the alternative...which is the possibility of bringing home some nasty little insects.

Yep, they've kinda got a little bug problem. I know they've tried to get rid of them but it hasn't worked. In fact, they've even seemed to get a bit braver.

I remember the trip where it became obvious what a problem it was...we had gone for a visit and I was sitting in bed breastfeeding. Then a roach fell from the ceiling. Onto my boob.

Do you hear me? ONTO MY BOOB! Which was ATTACHED TO MY BABY'S MOUTH!

The minute that thing hit I flicked it so fast and so hard that I think it probably splattered the instant it hit something.

Just thinking of that thing being so close to my sweet, precious, bug-free baby...

Then going to sleep that night, knowing that something was going to fall and crawl all over me...Really, I wanted to soak in a disinfectant bath. 

And I'm not trying to be a snob...I put up with a lot of grossness. A lot. I overlooked it, ignored it, pretended not to see it. 

But bugs falling on me...that's just something I can't do.

Sooo, yeah, we don't stay anymore.

We visit less and spend more money when we do. But I can sleep peacefully at night and that's totally worth it.

On The Road

Did some leadership training today for our state association. Man, I love doing that stuff. Not necessarily the training part because I have a tendency to over analyze everything I do....but the talking shop. Everytime I do it I learn something and feel like I'm a better professional. And I like meeting new people. That's probably my favorite part. Seriously, some of the best people I know are people I have met from these programs. So, yeah, it was a great day.
We're headed now to visit the in-laws. We're overdue and this is a free weekend. We do need to visit but man, I get so bored. I know that sounds horrible but it's excrutiating. Not hanging with them but just the fact that we just sit around and stare at each other. No one has anything to say. So we sit. And stare.
It. Is. Torture.
I guess we're even though because sometimes my family is too much for the hubby-we're loud and talk non-stop.
But give me a great conversation over blank stares anyday.

Be Warned & Be Wary

I am so incredibly pissy tonight that it's ridiculous.

Really, just so irritable and crabby.  I even read the girls Three Billy Goats Gruff as their bedtime story because reading the mean troll part made it socially acceptable and appropriate to snarl.

And I quickly decided that the Troll doesn't say enough in that story.
I couldn't find another story that really had anyone else cranky in it. I mean, really, do all kid stories have to be rainbows and unicorns? Can't I get just one featuring a pissy little princess?

So now my only options are to try to work out some of this aggression by exercising or go straight to bed. I know which one I want to do and I know which one I'm going to do.

But I swear, I'm gonna have to mute the tv because if I have to listen to Tony Horton tell me to not grab a cheeseburger then I will not make it through the night without smacking someone.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Two years ago today I walked onto campus ready to start a new job, a new program and a new chapter.  What a whirlwind it has been!

It has been one of the most rewarding, challenging, frustrating, motivating,demoralizing, and exciting things I've ever done.  It was, and continues to be, the biggest opportunity for growth that I've ever been given.  I've been pushed outside my comfort zone and stretched beyond my limits.  I've never before felt so confident and so insecure at the same time.

While I do think that many things in our life happen for a reason, I believe too much in personal responsibility to pawn everything off as "it's meant to be." But I can tell you with certainty that, for reasons that are still not understood by me,  I was meant to take this job and start our program.

I've said before that the only draw to this job was money. And that's true. I was happy were I was and loved my office family.  But when I saw the job posting, I felt like the job was mine. Even the day that I turned in my application, it just kinda felt familiar, like I knew I was going to be there. And I felt that way from the very beginning - I just had total confidence that it was my job.  I even bought an interview suit before I was called for an interview.

So I'm still not sure why I was meant to go in this direction - maybe it's so I could learn some things about myself that I probably really needed to learn, or maybe it's because our program will keep someone in school and change their life, or maybe it was simply because an increase in salary will allow us to build our dream home a few years sooner...

Whatever the reason, I am grateful for the opportunity, the experience, and the lessons. Here's to two years of building, growing, and learning!

Sweet Dreams

I am running on empty - completely functioning on fumes. And sugar.

Late night Friday visiting with company, late night Saturday bachelorette party, late night Sunday cleaning and unpacking and then last night I had a late work party that kept me out and by the time I got home, made an emergency WalMart run (because having NO bread is a totally legitimate emergency) and then finally unwound for the night I ended up with almost 4 hours of sleep.

All of this means one thing: I am getting old. I remember a time when I never slept and could run around all the time and still function.  These days are looong gone.

It also means this old body is getting to bed at a decent hour tonight. I've got my very first advisory board meeting tomorrow. And something tells me it wouldn't be very impressive to doze off during the middle of it...

Fun, full weekend. We had some friends from out of town visit Friday night. Hubby and the crew went to a football game the next morning and I headed out to celebrate a dear friend who will soon be getting married. We had so much fun at her Bachelorette party - great, great memories! One thing I took away from the weekend is that I am so lucky to have such a fun, loving, great group of friends! And that I am too old and too fat to sleep on the floor without some kind of cushion underneath me.

Here are some of my favorite snapshots from my memoralbe weekend. I took a bunch of pictures, too many to post. And not all the pictures I took were of me - I just hesitate to blast  pictures of everyone without knowing how they feel about it - so these are the ones that I know don't mind being plastered on my blog!

Here's to great friendships and fun memories! And getting your bar tab paid when the waitress spills an entire beer all over you!

To Meet or Beat? It Was Tough

We had a meeting with the principal and the teacher involved in the M incident...I really, really like the principal. She was transferred over to M's new school right before the school year started and I was and still am happy about that. I feel like she listens to parents concerns and advocates for the students.

I wasn't impressed with the teacher at all. She said she felt horrible that M didn't feel comfortable enough to ask her to go to the bathroom. It's kinda like when someone says "I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt over what I said." Then she told us she talked to M and told her she could ask her to go to the bathroom anytime.  Sure, sure she can NOW. And maybe my daughter would have asked you in the first place if you hadn't TOLD the children that they couldn't go to the bathroom! My daughter was trying to follow directions, you stupid old hag! So don't act like it's her fault - you told them they couldn't go, they had to hold it and she tried!  She tried her hardest until she just couldn't hold it anymore.

Of course, the principle said that all teachers have now been informed that they should allow children to go to the bathroom. How nice, they're taking basic human needs into consideration now.

And that was it from the teacher.

That was the extent of her apology. Like, she WASN'T sorry that she let my child CRY without even checking on her! She WASN'T sorry she that she missed something that was so painfully obvious like WET PANTS!

IT IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!

Of course, I tried to contain myself as much as I could. The hubby kept telling me the whole way there to calm down and not go into the meeting in attack mode.   He was so worried that I was going to cause a scene, go ballistic. He knows me too well.  Because I really could have - when it comes to my girls, I turn into beast mode. And the thought of my baby girl sitting at her desk, crying and then being told she was going to be ignored was enough to make me want to beat that teacher down.

So he did talk me down and I was contained. I made my point and no one got hurt. But it was hard. Especially since I think the teacher is full of it. Her explanation (to the principle, not to us because she didn't even address it) about not checking on M when she was crying was that she was in the middle of the lesson and was going to check on her when she was done but then M seemed fine.  That is total and absolute shit. She didn't just miraculously decide that peeing in her pants wasn't mortifying anymore - of COURSE she wasn't okay!

It's just a demonstration of how important it is to advocate for your kids. NO ONE is going to fight for them like you will. You have to be the biggest, loudest, strongest voice.  And I have no false illusions, that teacher couldn't have cared less about my concerns. But one thing is for sure - she won't ignore my kid ever again.

A Bitch And So Much More

I am so pissed I can hardly see straight! Yesterday when we were leaving the house we asked M where her jacket is and she said she left it at school. So later that night, when we picked her up I checked her bag. And her jacket was in it but it was wet. And smelled like urine.

When I asked her she got very upset and said that she had to go to the bathroom really, really bad and couldn’t hold it and they aren’t allowed to go in class. So she peed into her jacket. Pretty smart thinkin, for a six year old.

Did you pull down her pants, we asked. No, because you can’t pull down your pants in class or you’ll get in trouble. Yes, that’s correct, don’t pull down your pants in class. Then I said I silent prayer that I never get a call from the school that she’s pulled down her pants…

I asked her if she asked to go to the bathroom. No, she didn’t. Why not? Because they always so no, you need to hold it. So she should have asked, she totally should have.

So what did she do? She had put her jacket underneath her in her chair so no one would see and the seat wouldn’t be wet. She just peed straight through her shorts. But we didn’t get a call from the school…So did anyone notice that her pants were wet? Some of her friends asked why they were wet and she just told them it was none of their bizzwax. So NO adult in the entire school, not ONE of her THREE teachers noticed that her pants were wet? And we’re not talking a small leak here. She emptied her entire bladder; her jacket was still wet the next day!

Then as she’s telling the story she said she was crying and that one of the kids raised his hand and told the teacher she was crying and that the teacher said “Yes, I see that. I’m ignoring it.” Now, whether it happened like that or not – I KNOW M was upset. She’s six years old and she had just peed her pants! Of course she was embarrassed and stressed and didn’t know what to do… so she melted. And this is a kid who has only had two accidents since she’s been potty-trained, so it’s not like this is a regular occurrence. I am 100% sure my kid was upset. And how, how can a teacher not see that? I would expect that they would be observant enough to see when a kid is upset – in their body language and demeanor. It’s obvious when something is wrong with a child. And something was wrong!

This occurred in the morning, before lunch – how did she go the entire day without an adult realizing her pants were wet? They have a three teacher rotation, plus lunch and playground – and no one noticed wet pants? No one noticed a urine smell?

It’s concerning to me that she didn’t feel comfortable enough to ask to go the bathroom. She had no trouble asking her Kindergarten teacher…so obviously, there is something lacking in the relationship. It’s concerning that her teacher didn’t notice she was crying/upset. It’s concerning that she walked around in wet shorts and no one noticed.

I contacted the principle first thing this morning. I had considered following protocol and speaking with her teachers directly but I felt like she needed to be made aware of the situation. She did attempt to defend the teacher, telling me that she can’t believe she would say she was ignoring her…and my response was that regardless of whether she said that or not, we can’t dispute the fact that she was ignored to the point that no one noticed she had an accident.

I really, honestly don’t care if they think I am the biggest bitch on the planet – don’t care what kind of label they have for me…if it means taking care of my kid I will wear that title proudly.

No Place Like Home

What a whirlwind trip! Great conference, as usual. Love feeling so motivated and inspired. Makes me want to rush right back to the office to do great things. But there would be no rushing back for me this time. In fact, I kinda wondered if I was gonna get back at all.

On the way to the airport I got a text. A single photo of M. What I knew would happen had happened – she had lost her first tooth! I had resigned myself to the fact that she would lose it while I was gone and that I would miss out on all of the “new lost tooth” excitement. More than anything, I just wanted it to be super special. So I made sure the tooth fairy was ready and left instructions for the hubby so that my girl could have her magical visit.

So I was super excited when I got that message because I was on my way home! I wouldn’t have to miss it all! So I starting thinking of all the little extra things I would do – more glitter, more sparkles, planning to catch the tooth fairy…I was going to make it fabulous.

I was just so happy that I was going to be a part of it.

Then we arrived at the airport. We had decided to forgo lunch in the city for a not so great and overpriced lunch at the airport because we wanted to arrive early. When we arrived we found our flight had been cancelled but an earlier flight was going out. It was perfect, we were there early enough to get on the new flight and still make it home!

Except that flight was delayed because of weather. So we never made it home. Not that night anyway. I was so disappointed! I think it was just hard because I thought I was going to make it and was just so close…My husband was not too happy that I was gone in the first place so he wasn’t very sympathetic, his reaction just compounded my feelings of being a horrible mother. So I’m standing in the airport and all I can think about is how I’ve let M down, how I should have been there, how I’ve put my job before my kids…and then I started to cry. In the airport.

Nothing better than an embarrassing display of emotion in a public forum. It’s okay, really, I’m not quite as unstable as I seem…as I watched people made a visible effort to avoid me. Come here little Suzie, stay away from the crazy lady, she must be off her meds…So yeah, crying in an airport was not exactly a highlight experience.

I did manage to pull myself together and focus on the fact that it was still exciting and special for her – with or without me. And when she called in the morning and I could tell how excited she was to tell me about her special visit it really seemed irrelevant that I wasn’t there – she was happy and felt special, and that’s all I really wanted in the first place.

And when we finally arrived, guess who was waiting to surprise me? I step towards the baggage claim when I hear an excited little voice yell “Mommy!” and it’s funny, because in a crowded airport full of people, it was unmistakable that it was meant for me - I would know that little voice anywhere. I turned and saw a flash of blonde hair and there they were – my two girls! I ran, scooped them up, and covered them with kisses. It was the best surprise ever.

And I have to say, while it was a good conference, the best part of it all was getting home.

Alive and Kickin

In case the two little people who read this might be wondering...no, I did not fall off the face of the earth.  I've been to the edge a time or two but so far, I've been able to retain my balance...

I'm in NYC for a conference. Wonderful, inspirational, powerful and motivating conference. I have more thoughts to share about that and a few other things but the rooms lack free WiFi so you won't be hearing any of that until I return.  Lucky you, you'll be spared from my rantings for another day or two.

Right now my fat behind is sitting at a table with about 10 other people and it doesn't seem appropriate to spend too  much time blogging. I mean, I'm perfectly comfortable pouring my heart out on my blog but having people see me do it...well, somehow I find that uncomfortable. Really makes sense, huh? Kinda like the fact that I hate beans but I love bean dip. Somethings we can never understand...

Hope

There is really only one thing we need to know - that there is hope.  Always and forever, through our darkest times, we are assured that there is a plan, a purpose and unlimited potential for our lives.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

We may not always have understanding but we can seek comfort in understandng that God promises us a future full of hope and prosperity. 

Believe His promise.

Nail Biter

Anxiously awaiting news concerning some dear friends of mine...they are waiting to hear if their grant will be refunded.  I feel as nervous and anxious as if it were my own program.

It's such a hard thing to pour yourself into these programs with the thought that it could be taken away at every grant competition. And really, the heart and soul of each of these programs is the people that labor each day to build them. It's the people that care, that want to make a difference - that's what makes the most difference to the participants. Knowing they have people who support them, guide them, care about them...

Such a difficult thing to think of any program shutting down.  I always think about the people who are waiting. Wondering.  Hoping.

But this one, this one is especially close to my heart.

Friday List

It's Friday, the semester just started, and football is just around the corner! Life. Is. Good.

I really feel that all this awesomeness calls for a list but I’m all out of creativity. I got nothing. Zip, zero, nada. Sorry to disappoint, but all my energy has been spent this week on the students parading in and out of my office.

I can, however, offer you a bunch of meaningless, random, and not so interesting commentary on nothing in particular…sounds riveting, huh?

1. Throwing a belt around a shirt does not magically turn it into a dress. Try it as many times as you want, it’s still just a shirt with a belt.

2. The older I get the more compassion I have for those in need and the less tolerance I have for ignorance.

3. I textured our entire mudroom. By hand. It was a good reminder how much I hate manual labor.

4. I was in a hurry when I went to the bathroom and was a little too aggressive when I pulled down my drawers. Apparently the little bit of working out has turned me in the Incredible Hulk because my thumb went through the lace and ripped the entire side. My choices of dealing with this were limited – try to wear one-sided panties and risk them falling off at the most inopportune time or trash them. I wonder if the cleaning crew noticed when they emptied the trash.

5. I don’t know why but every time I eat at KFC, I want ice cream afterwards. And I’m not even a big ice cream person. Although I have eaten a bacon sundae before. It sounded so gross that I was morbidly intrigued and had to try it. It wasn’t as gross as it sounds.

6. Nothing has made me feel so vain and frivolous as sitting across from a young women who is missing her entire front teeth while I have five grand of metal on mine.

7. I’m not trying to be gross but how exactly does camel toe happen? Does it not feel like something’s amiss? I mean, it’s gotta hurt.

8. My lack of patience is demonstrated by the fact that I absolutely cannot lick a blow pop long enough to get to the gum. I always chew it up and mix the sucker and gum.

9. I used to say I didn’t have a “type”. Technically that’s not true, my criteria were just a little unconventional. I cannot stand “little boy” hands. Or cheap looking shoes. I don’t know why, cheap shoes just make a guy less attractive to me. So nice shoes and grown up hands.

10. I don’t understand society’s obsession with beauty or looks. It’s especially harmful for young girls who are taught that beauty is above all else. If you believe your worth is in your appearance, what happens to your self-esteem when it fades? And it will. At some point we all shrivel up and end up looking pretty much the same.

Runnin Wild

What a week! It has been crazy busy! I don't think I hardly sat down yesterday! I did, however, almost manage to miss a meeting. I didn't forget about it - I just lost track of time.

That's what I get for running across campus without my phone. Because yes, my phone is my watch. I have an actual watch but the batter needs to be replaced. It's needed to be replaced for at least three years now, if not longer. So that watch doesn't really count…

I'm sure it was comical to anyone who saw me sprint across campus. Wait, no, that's not true. It was in no way a sprint. Maybe a sloppy jog? Whatever it was it left me out of breath. And I pretty much felt like I was running the rest of the day too. Just going all day long.
I went home, did Mommy duty and then nothing else for the rest of the night. So no workout for me. But I promised myself I wouldn’t skip tonight, so no matter what kind of day I have – the workout is in.

And so is that massive pile of laundry I’ve been ignoring…

They're Baaaack

The semester has started again!  Campus just feels different - exciting and full of energy. Love it.

This means planning time is gone - my days will be filled with students, students, and students. And I am so ready!  We're gonna have a great sememster - so looking forward to some really great things.

Here's to a new year! Let's do this!

Goodbye Summer

Day four! 

Is it sad that I'm celebrating four measly little days of working out?  Does that really even count?

Big day tomorrow - M starts first grade!  Yes they start on a Friday. I know, I think it's dumb too.  Of course, she doesn't know the difference. She's just excited to get to show her sparkly tank-top to her new friends. 

Big day for me too -we have our freshman mentoring orientation tomorrow and then our whole program orientation. I cannot believe it's here already. This summer went way too fast. I think we got a lot accomplished but it was kinda a whirlwind. We spent the entire summer trying to get some new programming in place. I think we're ready but I could have used just a few more weeks. 

Of course, I don't know when it will ever not be busy - every time I think we're getting close to where we want to be I see another gap or something that we're not doing. During in-service today we had a session on higher education accreditation. There are some big changes coming for our college. And I realized that we should develop some learning/program outcomes. I mean, I have a strategic plan but I think we need to step back, look at everything we do, and then outline what kind of result we want from that service and then measure - are we getting that result? If not, why not?  What can we do to change it?  I don't know, we do an annual performance report but that doesn't really help you get a better program...

I have ideas, I know what I want our program to be - getting there is the problem. I lack direction and resources. And time. And sometimes a reality check. Sometimes I catch myself getting into all that stuff and I have to step back and remind myself that we are really not there yet. But gosh, we're entering our third year - shouldn't we be there by now?  

I had a wonderful meeting with some colleagues the other day, a three hour exchange of program ideas and discussion. I walked away feeling that we were doing things right but I didn't get any solutions to the challenges that we face.  And I guess I felt better knowing that we share the same challenges but really, what does that do for either one of us?

Okay, going to continue those thoughts tomorrow at the office. Tonight, I've got a backpack to prepare and clothes to dry because tomorrow is a school day!

2 For 2

Mixed day today.

Good part: Day two of workouts. Cardio. Well, mini cardio. Nothing like I was doing or want to be doing but I was just happy to have my fat behind on the treadmill. Every step is progress, right?

Bad part: I did something today that I said I wasn't going to do. I've been really good but I had a moment of weakness and gave into temptation. And that's kinda frustrating.

Obviously though, I'm not a master of willpower or I wouldn't be doing mini sessions of cardio, now would I?

What I have mastered is the art of guilt. Not for others, just myself. I have such a strong guilt complex I used to jokingly tell people that I felt so guilty I should have been born Catholic. And then I quipped that to a friend of mine, who I didn't realize was Catholic. Then I had the fortune to experience awkward guilt.

But no guilt tonight - the workout is done!

Mini

Got a little workout in tonight. Nothing to brag about but at least I did something. Which is more than I've done in a long, long time.

I really, really, really didn't want to. But I told myself I was going to start back today.  I've told myself that about 117 other times too - and there's only so much disappointing myself before it gets old. I kinda wish it had gotten old about 10 pounds ago, but whatever.

And it's kinda funny because I think about all this metal in my mouth. What a pain it is, how much work it is, how much I hate it. Not to mention expensive - man, it costs a fortune! All because I wanted straight, even teeth. And if you ask me if it's worth it, I would say yes.

But it makes no sense to care so much about  my teeth but then let my body go. Do I hate working out? YES. Is it a pain to do it? YES. Is it hard work? YES. Is it worth it? Ummm, well...I'd rather just sit on the couch and watch tv so I guess that would be a no.

See, I told you it didn't make sense.

So, I'm changing my attitude. Trying to anyway. Focusing on the benefits and end results and hoping I can remember that my thighs are just as important as my incisors...

Love Bug

I’m feeling sentimental and sappy today. The Blue in me must be raging because I am all mushy and full of love. I’m almost ready to go stand on the corner to pass out free hugs.

I said almost.

I’m just so thankful for the people I have in my life. I think more than anything life is about creating relationships. Having deep, meaningful connections with people. And even the not so deep and meaningful connections, really. I think above all else, it’s about people. Because what could be more important than that?

I think that’s why I work in the programs I do – to make a difference, change a life, watch someone grow and succeed. That kind of stuff feeds my soul. And I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true…

So I’m full of gratitude, full of love and just so thankful for my special friends.