The same night I met my husband, I met another guy. They both asked for my number and they both called.
Initially, I was more interested in the other guy. He was more aggressive. He seemed more into me - he called me more and asked me out first. If you like me you gotta show me. And he did.
We spoke on the phone for about a week before our first date. He was a good guy and it was a good date. But he talked extensively about his ex-wife. That probably would have been fine except that I became concerned when I realized we sounded an awful lot alike.
The more stories he told the more I realized how similar we were. Everything that he complained about was stuff I did or would have done. Except they had only had sex on their wedding night and they were married like 4 or 5 years...I can't remember exactly but it was way too long for that to be okay. And I wouldn't have done that because I thought that was seriously jacked up.
It kinda freaked me out that he told me that. One, that he felt comfortable enough to share that with me when we had just met. And then I just found the entire situation to just be so strange - like what kind of issues did she have? And did you not see her issues before you got married? Or was she always unstable and you just didn't care...
It worried me about him too. More than just the fact that he over shared. I don't know, you're okay to live like that - you just pretend that's normal? No talking, no therapy, no nothing? And the answer was no, because I asked. Why aren't you fighting to resolve that issue? Obviously, it bothered you because your divorced and you're still talking about it...but it didn't bother you enough to try to fix it. That was just odd to me.
Of course, it's occured to me that it may not have even been true...another guy once told me something similar and that turned out to be total and complete BS. So what, is that written in the Guys Guide To Getting Laid? Is there a chapter instructing men to say they've been deprived? Is that what it is? Because that totally doesn't work. It just makes us wonder why they won't have sex with you and doesn't exactly reflect real well on your performance. So guys, you may just wanna skip that chapter.
Anyway, after that date I was pretty sure we were never going out again. Then he called and read me a poem he had written about me. I really like romantic gestures but it was too much. Poems after a week? You barely know me. It seemed so trite and forced and superficial. And I kinda hate to admit it but that sealed the deal. That was the last time we ever talked.
13 years and two kids later I would have to say that kinda worked out in my husband's favor...
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
Little Miss Sunshine
Okay, I'm over this whole sulking, blah, in a funk thing. It's so not me. I'm the girl that finds a positive in anything - but not in the annoying, trying too hard type of way. Well, maybe it is annoying...I don't know. But that's really, truly who I am. I'm just generally happy and full of enthusiasm - it's not like I have to try at it. So this "stuff"...it's got to go.
So I've found something that I've been missing the past few weeks...
Okay, so it's a little forced and a lot awkward...but you get the idea. I'm plastering this smile on my face today, not matter what. Even if I do slightly resemble the Joker.
And you'll be happy to know that this little chick has been a faithful gym participant for several months now. I haven't mentioned it a lot because it seems like I always do that - get into a really good routine, share my success and then completely fail. And that's SO annoying. It's like I don't have any discipline at all. And really, I kinda don't but I get tired of highlighting that to everyone. Can I just fail privately, please?
But I've been going regularly enough that the wellness director approached me and commented about my regularity (YES!) and asked if I wanted to participate in a program called Fitbit. Of course I said yes, anything to keep me motivated. So I wear this really cool device that monitors my activity throughout the day.
You keep it on all the time (even in the shower) and it even tracks your sleep patterns. It's really interesting - I've learned that I average about 16,000 steps a day and get in about 6 miles. That's not too bad for someone that sits at a desk all day. But I do, even before this program, try to move. I go get the mail, stand at my desk sometimes instead of sitting and at home I always try to get up and do something during the commercial breaks. I mean, I actually kinda move a lot...I'm like really, how am I this fat? Oh wait, I forgot about the chocolate I had this morning. Yes. I had chocolate for breakfast. Feel free to judge.
I also found that I have a pretty good sleep quality but I'm just not getting enough of it. I average about 4.5 hours sleep. Yikes! Not that I didn't know that before but seeing it...I really need to start going to bed!
So more smiling, more sleep, and less bad food. I'm guessing I can make at least one of those things happen, right?
So I've found something that I've been missing the past few weeks...
 |
| Look, a smile! Or something like that... |
And you'll be happy to know that this little chick has been a faithful gym participant for several months now. I haven't mentioned it a lot because it seems like I always do that - get into a really good routine, share my success and then completely fail. And that's SO annoying. It's like I don't have any discipline at all. And really, I kinda don't but I get tired of highlighting that to everyone. Can I just fail privately, please?
But I've been going regularly enough that the wellness director approached me and commented about my regularity (YES!) and asked if I wanted to participate in a program called Fitbit. Of course I said yes, anything to keep me motivated. So I wear this really cool device that monitors my activity throughout the day.
You keep it on all the time (even in the shower) and it even tracks your sleep patterns. It's really interesting - I've learned that I average about 16,000 steps a day and get in about 6 miles. That's not too bad for someone that sits at a desk all day. But I do, even before this program, try to move. I go get the mail, stand at my desk sometimes instead of sitting and at home I always try to get up and do something during the commercial breaks. I mean, I actually kinda move a lot...I'm like really, how am I this fat? Oh wait, I forgot about the chocolate I had this morning. Yes. I had chocolate for breakfast. Feel free to judge.
I also found that I have a pretty good sleep quality but I'm just not getting enough of it. I average about 4.5 hours sleep. Yikes! Not that I didn't know that before but seeing it...I really need to start going to bed!
So more smiling, more sleep, and less bad food. I'm guessing I can make at least one of those things happen, right?
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Done
For the first time in a very long time, I woke up dreading work.
I've had mornings that I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep and days that I wanted to stay home to be lazy but today it was more than that. Today, I actually dreaded coming to work. Because of the work.
I don't know if I'm just burnt out or what. But I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to find joy in what I do. And that's weird for me because I've always found so much joy in it.
But now, I don't know. I just feel like why am I here? What's the point?
Sometimes it's really challenging to watch people make mistakes. Mistakes that could be avoided. And it's frustrating to because I can't help anybody if they aren't willing to help themself. I can only do so much. And I used to always feel like if I could help just one person, make even the smallest difference then it was worth it. But I'm not feeling that way right now.
I'm fighting this upward battle at a place that doesn't really support our program. OMG, she did not just go there? Yes...yes, I did. I know it's not PC (or even really smart) to diss your employer but it's the truth. Our program is undervalued, unrecognized and totally unappreciated. And it isn't even about me - I don't need accolades or pats on the back. But I do need our program to be supported.
And that fact that we have a grant competition just months away and I'm the only one trying to fight for our refunding - well, it's more than a little demotivating. I'm like seriously? All I hear about is "retention and graduation" and here's a program that has proven successful and you aren't willing to do whatever you can to keep that program? What kind of sense does that make? You really think our program isn't worth the investment?
I can't shut up and just roll over either. It's my job and my obligation to advocate for this program. Even after I'm interrupted and told to "put it in writing", which I'm pretty sure was code for shut up, I just kept right on...I wanted everyone in that meeting to hear and understand what was going on. I'm not going to walk away quietly.
I feel like they think I'm fighting so hard because I'm scared of losing my job. I just want to shout that it isn't about that - it's about the students that need these services! I've got plans, I'm going to be okay. Even if I wasn't planning to stay home - I've got degrees, I've got credentials. It's not about job security! It's about impacting students and helping them be successful!
Isn't that worth something? Isn't that what we should value in higher education? Creating opportunities for learning, personal development and growth? Because if it isn't...then why am I here? What am I doing each day?
And you know what? I can't answer that.
I've had mornings that I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep and days that I wanted to stay home to be lazy but today it was more than that. Today, I actually dreaded coming to work. Because of the work.
I don't know if I'm just burnt out or what. But I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to find joy in what I do. And that's weird for me because I've always found so much joy in it.
But now, I don't know. I just feel like why am I here? What's the point?
Sometimes it's really challenging to watch people make mistakes. Mistakes that could be avoided. And it's frustrating to because I can't help anybody if they aren't willing to help themself. I can only do so much. And I used to always feel like if I could help just one person, make even the smallest difference then it was worth it. But I'm not feeling that way right now.
I'm fighting this upward battle at a place that doesn't really support our program. OMG, she did not just go there? Yes...yes, I did. I know it's not PC (or even really smart) to diss your employer but it's the truth. Our program is undervalued, unrecognized and totally unappreciated. And it isn't even about me - I don't need accolades or pats on the back. But I do need our program to be supported.
And that fact that we have a grant competition just months away and I'm the only one trying to fight for our refunding - well, it's more than a little demotivating. I'm like seriously? All I hear about is "retention and graduation" and here's a program that has proven successful and you aren't willing to do whatever you can to keep that program? What kind of sense does that make? You really think our program isn't worth the investment?
I can't shut up and just roll over either. It's my job and my obligation to advocate for this program. Even after I'm interrupted and told to "put it in writing", which I'm pretty sure was code for shut up, I just kept right on...I wanted everyone in that meeting to hear and understand what was going on. I'm not going to walk away quietly.
I feel like they think I'm fighting so hard because I'm scared of losing my job. I just want to shout that it isn't about that - it's about the students that need these services! I've got plans, I'm going to be okay. Even if I wasn't planning to stay home - I've got degrees, I've got credentials. It's not about job security! It's about impacting students and helping them be successful!
Isn't that worth something? Isn't that what we should value in higher education? Creating opportunities for learning, personal development and growth? Because if it isn't...then why am I here? What am I doing each day?
And you know what? I can't answer that.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Blow
Ever wonder what you would look like after blowing insulation into an attic?
Never? Not even once?
Yeah. Me neither.
But I got to find out this weekend.
And it aint pretty...
This picture does not do it justice either. I'm talking dust/dirt/insulation everywhere.
Yeah, not a fan of the whole insulation thing, just so you know...
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Countdown Begins
Breaking news: Amber Mitchell has committed to the University of Homelife.
We've tossed around the idea of me quiting my job and staying at home for a while. And while I've been leaning in that direction and we've been moving towards that - it's now officially official.
It's a weird feeling to completely change the whole direction of your life. Even though we've been talking about it for over a year, it's always seemed kinda abstract and remote to me. It seemed so far-off into the future and not really concrete. I think just because it will be so completely different and new for me.
I realized today how little time I actually have left before this next phase. My plan is to depart at the end of our grant cycle. If our program doesn't get refunded, I will gracefully exit as the curtain closes. If we get refunded, I'll take a bow and let someone new step into the role. Either way, that's my scheduled departure.
Having that date, having a timeline - it really solidifies it. It hit me today when I realized I only have about 21 months left. That sounds like a lot until you break it down by events - one last national and regional conference, one more Christmas break, and roughly three semesters left.
Three semesters? That's it?!? It's going to fly by.
I had a conversation about it with friends - they were asking if I thought I would be happy staying at home. Honestly, I don't know. I've never done it. I've worked since the week I turned 16 and have worked ever since. I don't know what's it like to not have a job.
Am I scared about getting bored? I'm scared to death.
Of a lot of things - Will I get lazy? Will I be fulfilled? Will I feel out of the loop and disconnected?
But at the end of the day, I have to ask myself - who matters the most and who's getting cheated?
I can tell myself that I can balance work and family but honestly that scale is never even. At least not for me. The reality is that I have obligations that sometimes force me into making choices. And my kids don't always win.
I think for me, as a Mom, what I want most is to be present for my children - fully present. I don't know if I can do that in the time we get together. I have them 2.5 hours each evening and weekends and I'm tired of sharing custody with the daycare. How good am I at really engaging them when I've got dinner, homework, baths and putting them to bed? I'm so busy "doing" that I don't feel like I get to just enjoy them.
And I want to be devoted. I mean, I'm devoted now - devoted to loving them and caring for them. But I mean devoted in a way that my stomach doesn't sink because I think they may be sick and I have something important at work that I can't miss.
I'm not saying it's horrible that I'm a working mom. I don't think it makes me a bad mom and I don't think my children would be scarred if I worked forever...but I know with certainty that the best thing I can do for them is to give them my time and attention. And if I'm able to give them more, I feel like I should.
When I think about it like that, the prospect of giving up a job I am passionate about, giving up my financial independence, and giving up a small part of my identity just seems so...minimal.
Before you think I'm trying to be this super mom, know that I'm doing this for me too. Because the fact is, I fulfill the duties of a SAHM right now but without any of the perks. And honestly, it just seems like it would be really nice to just focus on running the house. Because whether you stay at home or work outside the home - there's the same amount of laundry, cleaning and responsibility. Kudos to the women who have no problems managing all that - I applaud you. But I just don't do it that well.
For some, it's hard to understand why I would begin to stay at home when my kids are/will soon be school age. People have even asked me directly why now. Like, I'm not getting any extra time with them since they're in school all day. And I get it - it's not traditional. But the difference it will make for our family will allow the quality of our time together to improve.
Really though, if we would have been in the position, I would have stayed home from the very beginning. That's what I really always wanted. But that wasn't an option at the time and this became our life. And I fully embraced it.
Now I'm ready to embrace something different...
We've tossed around the idea of me quiting my job and staying at home for a while. And while I've been leaning in that direction and we've been moving towards that - it's now officially official.
It's a weird feeling to completely change the whole direction of your life. Even though we've been talking about it for over a year, it's always seemed kinda abstract and remote to me. It seemed so far-off into the future and not really concrete. I think just because it will be so completely different and new for me.
I realized today how little time I actually have left before this next phase. My plan is to depart at the end of our grant cycle. If our program doesn't get refunded, I will gracefully exit as the curtain closes. If we get refunded, I'll take a bow and let someone new step into the role. Either way, that's my scheduled departure.
Having that date, having a timeline - it really solidifies it. It hit me today when I realized I only have about 21 months left. That sounds like a lot until you break it down by events - one last national and regional conference, one more Christmas break, and roughly three semesters left.
Three semesters? That's it?!? It's going to fly by.
I had a conversation about it with friends - they were asking if I thought I would be happy staying at home. Honestly, I don't know. I've never done it. I've worked since the week I turned 16 and have worked ever since. I don't know what's it like to not have a job.
Am I scared about getting bored? I'm scared to death.
Of a lot of things - Will I get lazy? Will I be fulfilled? Will I feel out of the loop and disconnected?
But at the end of the day, I have to ask myself - who matters the most and who's getting cheated?
I can tell myself that I can balance work and family but honestly that scale is never even. At least not for me. The reality is that I have obligations that sometimes force me into making choices. And my kids don't always win.
I think for me, as a Mom, what I want most is to be present for my children - fully present. I don't know if I can do that in the time we get together. I have them 2.5 hours each evening and weekends and I'm tired of sharing custody with the daycare. How good am I at really engaging them when I've got dinner, homework, baths and putting them to bed? I'm so busy "doing" that I don't feel like I get to just enjoy them.
And I want to be devoted. I mean, I'm devoted now - devoted to loving them and caring for them. But I mean devoted in a way that my stomach doesn't sink because I think they may be sick and I have something important at work that I can't miss.
I'm not saying it's horrible that I'm a working mom. I don't think it makes me a bad mom and I don't think my children would be scarred if I worked forever...but I know with certainty that the best thing I can do for them is to give them my time and attention. And if I'm able to give them more, I feel like I should.
When I think about it like that, the prospect of giving up a job I am passionate about, giving up my financial independence, and giving up a small part of my identity just seems so...minimal.
Before you think I'm trying to be this super mom, know that I'm doing this for me too. Because the fact is, I fulfill the duties of a SAHM right now but without any of the perks. And honestly, it just seems like it would be really nice to just focus on running the house. Because whether you stay at home or work outside the home - there's the same amount of laundry, cleaning and responsibility. Kudos to the women who have no problems managing all that - I applaud you. But I just don't do it that well.
For some, it's hard to understand why I would begin to stay at home when my kids are/will soon be school age. People have even asked me directly why now. Like, I'm not getting any extra time with them since they're in school all day. And I get it - it's not traditional. But the difference it will make for our family will allow the quality of our time together to improve.
Really though, if we would have been in the position, I would have stayed home from the very beginning. That's what I really always wanted. But that wasn't an option at the time and this became our life. And I fully embraced it.
Now I'm ready to embrace something different...
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Party of One
Can I just stay up all night to avoid having to go to work tomorrow?
Pleeease?
Because I don't waaannnaa go. *whiniest, most pathetic voice ever
It's not that I don't like my job...I just don't want to go to work.
It's almost worse for me that I get Christmas break off. It's just a mean teaser. Like sleeping in? Like having extra time with the kiddos? Like having time for all those projects? You like that, huh? Good. Now get back to work!
I actually went back last week. Which at fist I thought was a little silly but now I kinda appreciate it. It was like a warm-up so that today wasn't such a shock.
Except that I think the entire semester is gonna suck. And I really just want to avoid it.
I'm sorry, it that too pessimistic?
My full-time person is on maternity leave and will be out most the semester. So it's only me and two part-time tutors. Just the few days I've had at work have really made me realize just how challenging this is gonna be. I seriously don't know how this is going to work...
I hired a work-study today. That should help. He's a nice kid but I'll have to completely train him. He's raw. Never had a job before. Ever. Yeah...that raw.
But he's dependable. He's in our lab every single day. And I'll take reliable over trained because it doesn't matter how experienced you are- if you don't show up, it helps me none.
Plus, I'm a sucker for giving people chances.
Now I just have to cross my fingers and hope that decision was a good one. And that I can stock up on enough Diet Dr. Pepper to get me through the next couple of months...
Pleeease?
Because I don't waaannnaa go. *whiniest, most pathetic voice ever
It's not that I don't like my job...I just don't want to go to work.
It's almost worse for me that I get Christmas break off. It's just a mean teaser. Like sleeping in? Like having extra time with the kiddos? Like having time for all those projects? You like that, huh? Good. Now get back to work!
I actually went back last week. Which at fist I thought was a little silly but now I kinda appreciate it. It was like a warm-up so that today wasn't such a shock.
Except that I think the entire semester is gonna suck. And I really just want to avoid it.
I'm sorry, it that too pessimistic?
My full-time person is on maternity leave and will be out most the semester. So it's only me and two part-time tutors. Just the few days I've had at work have really made me realize just how challenging this is gonna be. I seriously don't know how this is going to work...
I hired a work-study today. That should help. He's a nice kid but I'll have to completely train him. He's raw. Never had a job before. Ever. Yeah...that raw.
But he's dependable. He's in our lab every single day. And I'll take reliable over trained because it doesn't matter how experienced you are- if you don't show up, it helps me none.
Plus, I'm a sucker for giving people chances.
Now I just have to cross my fingers and hope that decision was a good one. And that I can stock up on enough Diet Dr. Pepper to get me through the next couple of months...
Monday, January 6, 2014
Get Rid Of The Wrinkles
I walked outside to get in the car this morning and my husband looked at me and said "Wow!"
That sounds like it might be a good thing, right?
No. It wasn't an exclamation of how good he thought I looked. It was shock that I was wearing a dress when it's only 7 degrees outside. In retrospect, that may not have been the wisest decision I've ever made...as it is just a little chilly.
I do have on boots and stockings on so it's not like I'm running around with bare legs.
Yet.
It's about to happen though because I have a terrible case of baggy knee. Yes, the oh-so-attractive look of wrinkly hose.
I'm not sure when or how it happened but I stood up and I felt some bunching around my knees and I looked down to find this...
What?!? Ewww. No!
So goodbye granny knee, hello cold!
That sounds like it might be a good thing, right?
No. It wasn't an exclamation of how good he thought I looked. It was shock that I was wearing a dress when it's only 7 degrees outside. In retrospect, that may not have been the wisest decision I've ever made...as it is just a little chilly.
I do have on boots and stockings on so it's not like I'm running around with bare legs.
Yet.
It's about to happen though because I have a terrible case of baggy knee. Yes, the oh-so-attractive look of wrinkly hose.
I'm not sure when or how it happened but I stood up and I felt some bunching around my knees and I looked down to find this...
What?!? Ewww. No!
So goodbye granny knee, hello cold!
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