Countdown Begins

Breaking news: Amber Mitchell has committed to the University of Homelife.

We've tossed around the idea of me quiting my job and staying at home for a while. And while I've been leaning in that direction and we've been moving towards that - it's now officially official. 

It's a weird feeling to completely change the whole direction of your life.  Even though we've been talking about it for over a year, it's always seemed kinda abstract and remote to me. It seemed so far-off into the future and not really concrete. I think just because it will be so completely different and new for me.

I realized today how little time I actually have left before this next phase.  My plan is to depart at the end of our grant cycle.  If our program doesn't get refunded, I will gracefully exit as the curtain closes.  If we get refunded, I'll take a bow and let someone new step into the role. Either way, that's my scheduled departure.

Having that date, having a timeline - it really solidifies it. It hit me today when I realized I only have about 21 months left. That sounds like a lot until you break it down by events - one last national and regional conference, one more Christmas break, and roughly three semesters left.

Three semesters? That's it?!?  It's going to fly by.

I had a conversation about it with friends - they were asking if I thought I would be happy staying at home. Honestly, I don't know. I've never done it. I've worked since the week I turned 16 and have worked ever since. I don't know what's it like to not have a job.

Am I scared about getting bored? I'm scared to death.

Of a lot of things - Will I get lazy? Will I be fulfilled? Will I feel out of the loop and disconnected?

But at the end of the day, I have to ask myself - who matters the most and who's getting cheated?

I can tell myself that I can balance work and family but honestly that scale is never even. At least not for me.  The reality is that I have obligations that sometimes force me into making choices. And my kids don't always win.

I think for me, as a Mom, what I want most is to be present for my children - fully present.  I don't know if I can do that in the time we get together. I have them 2.5 hours each evening and weekends and I'm tired of sharing custody with the daycare. How good am I at really engaging them when I've got dinner, homework, baths and putting them to bed? I'm so busy "doing" that I don't feel like I get to just enjoy them.

And I want to be devoted. I mean, I'm devoted now - devoted to loving them and caring for them. But I mean devoted in a way that my stomach doesn't sink because I think they may be sick and I have something important at work that I can't miss.

I'm not saying it's horrible that I'm a working mom. I don't think it makes me a bad mom and I don't think my children would be scarred if I worked forever...but I know with certainty that the best thing I can do for them is to give them my time and attention.  And if I'm able to give them more, I feel like I should.

When I think about it like that, the prospect of giving up a job I am passionate about, giving up my financial independence, and giving up a small part of my identity just seems so...minimal.

Before you think I'm trying to be this super mom, know that I'm doing this for me too. Because the fact is, I fulfill the duties of a SAHM right now but without any of the perks. And honestly, it just seems like it would be really nice to just focus on running the house. Because whether you stay at home or work outside the home - there's the same amount of laundry, cleaning and responsibility. Kudos to the women who have no problems managing all that - I applaud you. But I just don't do it that well.

For some, it's hard to understand why I would begin to stay at home when my kids are/will soon be school age. People have even asked me directly why now. Like, I'm not getting any extra time with them since they're in school all day. And I get it - it's not traditional. But the difference it will make for our family will allow the quality of our time together to improve.

Really though, if we would have been in the position, I would have stayed home from the very beginning. That's what I really always wanted.  But that wasn't an option at the time and this became our life. And I fully embraced it.

Now I'm ready to embrace something different...