Done

For the first time in a very long time, I woke up dreading work.

I've had mornings that I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep and days that I wanted to stay home to be lazy but today it was more than that. Today, I actually dreaded coming to work. Because of the work.

I don't know if I'm just burnt out or what. But I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to find joy in what I do.  And that's weird for me because I've always found so much joy in it.

But now, I don't know. I just feel like why am I here? What's the point?

Sometimes it's really challenging to watch people make mistakes. Mistakes that could be avoided. And it's frustrating to because I can't help anybody if they aren't willing to help themself.  I can only do so much. And I used to always feel like if I could help just one person, make even the smallest difference then it was worth it.  But I'm not feeling that way right now.

I'm fighting this upward battle at a place that doesn't really support our program. OMG, she did not just go there?  Yes...yes, I did.  I know it's not PC (or even really smart) to diss your employer but it's the truth. Our program is undervalued, unrecognized and totally unappreciated. And it isn't even about me - I don't need accolades or pats on the back. But I do need our program to be supported.

And that fact that we have a grant competition just months away and I'm the only one trying to fight for our refunding - well, it's more than a little demotivating. I'm like seriously? All I hear about is "retention and graduation" and here's a program that has proven successful and you aren't willing to do whatever you can to keep that program? What kind of sense does that make? You really think our program isn't worth the investment?

I can't shut up and just roll over either. It's my job and my obligation to advocate for this program. Even after I'm interrupted and told to "put it in writing", which I'm pretty sure was code for shut up, I just kept right on...I wanted everyone in that meeting to hear and understand what was going on. I'm not going to walk away quietly.

I feel like they think I'm fighting so hard because I'm scared of losing my job. I just want to shout that it isn't about that - it's about the students that need these services! I've got plans, I'm going to be okay.  Even if I wasn't planning to stay home - I've got degrees, I've got credentials. It's not about job security! It's about impacting students and helping them be successful!

Isn't that worth something? Isn't that what we should value in higher education? Creating opportunities for learning, personal development and growth?  Because if it isn't...then why am I here?  What am I doing each day?

And you know what?  I can't answer that.