Chewin The Fat

In exchange for getting to wear the FitBit, I had to promise to get an initial health assessment and then a follow-up about every month.  It was a full assessment, which meant it would include measuring my body fat.

I've never had it measured before but I knew the general idea - they take a tool and squeeze your fat. Fun times.

So I completed a 14 page semi-invasive questionnaire and scheduled the physical portion.  The person I was corresponding with was an older woman and I just assumed she would complete the physical assessment too. I showed up for my appointment and was more than a little disappointed to discover that a young guy was going to be doing it. Really?  It isn't bad enough that I have to stand there and let someone pinch all my fat but it has to be a guy?

I know it shouldn't matter. I mean, it's the same amount of fat no matter who is pinching it...but in my head it just seems like a woman would be more sympathetic.

I know. Totally sexist. 

And vain.

So I do the other little test and then it's time.  He gets the caliper and squeezes right outside my armpit, under my arm (which would be a tricep but I seem to be missing that muscle so it seems like an injustice to call it that), my upper back, and my thigh and two places on my stomach.

He enters everything in and then says "23.6%".

Whoa, that sounds like a lot. I mean, almost a 1/4 of me is pure fat!  So I say something flip and self-deprecating. Because...well, because that's just me.

Then he looks at me and says "Actually, you're in the ideal range."

Um, what? Ideal? What's ideal? Because I know you're not talking about my body fat...

So I ask how is that possible when I'm 30 pounds overweight and he tries to convince me that body fat measure is more accurate then a scale.  And then, I decide not to care. Screw the scale!  I'm going with this one - the one that says ideal.

Woohoo! I'm not as fat as I think I am! This. Is. Awesome.

And I'm going to just ignore the fact that I'm 95% sure he didn't do my abdomen correctly. He totally didn't grab as much as he could have.  I think it may have been a little awkward for him. 

Probably has something to do with the fact that I don't have much of a torso and I have sad boobs. And in case you don't know, sad boobs are the opposite of perky boobs. Between my lack of a waist and boobs that point south, it doesn't leave much room for anyone to get in there and grab much of anything.

Accurate or not, I like the number so I'm just going to pretend that I think it's correct and roll on.

I'm also going to wear the worst, least supportive bra I own for my next measurement...can't give them a chance to get a good measurement and ruin my fantasy, now can I?