Don't Take Him Just Because You Can

Finally checked my cell phone messages yesterday - there were fifteen. Obviously, leaving me a message is not real effective...One of the messages was some random lady. I couldn't really make out what she was saying but she was giving some directive - almost like she was leaving instructions for her daughter. Something about you need to do something. Kinda bossy, a little demanding.  I thought it was funny that she didn't notice my outgoing greeting and didn't realize she called the wrong number.

I had been waiting all day for a call so later that evening I picked up my phone and noticed a missed call from an unfamiliar number. Thinking this was the call I was waiting for, I called it back. I don't usually do that. I'm just not that eager to call people I don't know; I figure if they want to talk they'll call me back.

A woman answered the phone and I identified myself, said I had missed a call.  There was a slight pause and then she said something - really fast and hateful. Like she literally spit it out.  I asked her to repeat herself and she said something about "I needed to leave." She sounded older and her voice was very gruff. I realized  it was the same woman from the message. I told her I thought she had the wrong number. I was so confused. I literally thought she was so pissed at whoever she meant to call that she didn't even realize what name I had given her. Then she said "Oh, no I don't!" and hung up on me.

It happened so fast, I hadn't really processed it. Then it hit me - she was telling me to leave someone alone. Her someone. Oh no.

So I called her back. I was going to nicely explain that I was not the person she was looking for and there was definitely a mistake. I'm not saying he's not screwing around, but he's not screwing around with me. Because I make it a general practice to only do that with people who live out of state.

She didn't answer.  I guess she spent all her courage in the first conversation. And as long as she stops calling and leaves me alone, I'm okay with that.

My Husband Is Courting Another Woman... And I'm Okay With It

For several weeks now I've watched as my husband has giddily read texts, exchanged IM messages and carried on phone conversations with another woman. He's laughed out loud to jokes I don't get, arranged his schedule to make time for her, and has met her for dinner multiple times.

I've watched him grow excited and enthusiastic. This robot man who rarely shows emotion...wait, does seriousness count as an emotion? Okay, I didn't think so...so this robot man is walking around expressive and animated. He's...happy.

I've watched them as they get to know each other, create memories and build a relationship. And I'm okay with that.  I'm okay with all of it. In fact, I'm beyond okay with it...I'm happy about it.

And that's because it's totally not what you think- this new woman is his sister! She was adopted as an infant and just recently found her birth family. She lives close to us so they've been able to spend some time together. And it's such a good thing!

It's hard for me to understand what it would feel like being disconnected from my family. I don't know what it's like to feel out of place or to have a parent that isn't interested unless they need something. But I do understand, with certainty, that it would be difficult. 

He's close to my family but in a way, I almost think that's harder. You know, it's almost like a reminder of the way things should be but aren't.  So this sister is an opportunity to have that...family relationship. It's something that I think has been missing for a long time.

But every relationship, of every kind, is a process. It's not something automatic; it's built from mutual interest and shared experiences. It's phone calls, text messages, spending time together- all the things you do when you want to know someone. Most importantly, showing interest and attention.

So I'm not #1 right now. I know, I know. I totally agree - the world should revolve around me. I mean, please, how could it not, right? It is, after all, always about me.

For now, my husband's energy and focus is on someone else and for the first and probably last tim in my life, that's okay.  I'm gladly giving them their time and hoping they can have the kind of relationship he's always deserved.

Livin For The Weekends

So I sounded really pissy in my post last night. Not gonna lie, I woke up this morning still kinda pissy. It takes me a minute to get over complete stupidity...but enough about that -  who wants to hear someone whining and cryin, right?

Instead, I'll share with you some highlights from the crazy busy but completely fun weekend I had. Not because you care, but because it makes me happy.

 Birthday dinner in Bricktown.

Parade with my babies.
Don't know about the bucket on the head...they come by their silliness naturally.

 



Carnival fun. Can I just say my girls have NO fear?
They wanted to ride all the big rides. They amaze me.

 

Easter and the fun that goes with it...

Hubby, sister & family friend all turned 40 in the same week...love my old peeps!

Exhausted after a day at the zoo. I dozed off during M's reading time.
She was not pleased.
 



Blah

Don't you hate it when you're gorging on Reeses and one of those motivational and inspiring weight loss commercials comes on? Not one of the cheesey 'Take this pill and lose 20 pounds in a week' ones but one of the really emotional 'It was blood, sweat and tears' ones. A new and better me? Just one choice away?

I stop mid-chew....

Then I think for a minute and decide screw it.

And maybe I need to do a little more of that in my life. Just decide to screw it. Not care so much or work so hard. Give up and accept good enough...or whatever is right underneath that. Realize that a lot of stuff really doesn't matter. Most of it doesn't matter. And hasn't mattered to anyone...except me. 

I'm just tired of banging my head against the wall. It's like running up hill and never getting anywhere.  So defeating and frustrating.

Man, I'm cranky. 

I need to go to bed. Maybe a little sleep will reset my attitude...

Bottoms Up

I'm jumping on real quick-not because I have anything to say but because I've done good about blogging this week and I hate to mess it up.

Like I did with Lent. 

Yeah, I didn't make 40 days. And the real kicker is that it wasn't from lack of will power. It was worse...I just forgot.

At conference last week. Sprite. As a mixer.

Which just makes it even more horrible. Sorry Jesus, totally not thinking about that whole dying on the cross thing...I'm too busy over here mixin this DRINK.

I really wish I would have caved instead of having to admit to myself that something like that could so simply and easily slip my mind.

I didn't even realize it until Sunday night. And I was so disappointed with myself. So close. 

And so obviously human.

I'm not saying people aren't capable of properly observing Lent...but it's just another reminder of my weakness and the awesomeness of God and his perfect son.

I will never be perfect. I can't even come close. I don't even know what perfect looks like. And the fact that Jesus lead a perfect life- not without temptation- just..amazes me.

So I tried. And I failed. But I will try again. And again after that. Understanding clearly that I will never be perfect. But having peace the entire time because I also understand that I don't have to be...

Thankful for His mercy and grace and love. But most of all, for His forgiveness.

Shut It

So like I said yesterday, the husband isn't the only one who needs to reconsider what we share...

I should probably just stop talking about him completely because it always seems to comes out wrong or weird and totally makes him seem like an ass about 90% of the time. And that's never my intention. Well, usually not my intention....okay, sometimes that's my exact intention.

So some girlfriends and I are planning to take an exotic dance class.  I'm so super excited about it and can't wait!  We were discussing it when I shared that if I danced for him he would totally laugh at me. And he would. He actually started laughing just when I told him I was doing it.

And you know, it didn't seem that bad until I tried to explain it. It totally made it sound like he's not into me...and he is. I've got him completely brainwashed so he thinks I'm hot and sexy.  So it isn't that he doesn't want me - he does. He just doesn't see me that way.  Even though I'm not sure what that way even means...

See?  See how this sounds all kinds of jacked up?  So now his friends think I'm some sort of violent psychopath and my friends think he's some frigid purist. Perfect.

Something that really is true about him is that he's the hardest person ever to buy presents for.  I kinda pride myself on being a good gift-giver. I try really hard to pay attention to little details and pick up on clues so that my gifts are thoughtful and personal. 

I can never do that with him because whenever he wants something, he just goes and buys it!  For Christmas he wanted a hunting rifle so he went out and bought one. But no worries, I could give him the money and that would be my "present" to him.  Then he decided he wanted a scope to go with the gun.  So I tucked that away and planned to surprise him for his birthday. Nope, a few weeks after Christmas one was delivered - he had already ordered it! And giving someone cash for a present they bought themselves just isn't very fun...

So his 40th birthday is this week. That's a huge milestone and I wanted to do something to really make it special.  He's not into parties - that's more my thing - so that was out.  I seriously almost threw him one anyway but then it struck me - if he's not into it, how is that special for him?  Just because I feel like that's the standard thing to do?

And there really isn't anything he's been wanting that I could surprise him with. So I've been super bummed that I'm letting this special day go without enough recognition. Until I got a text about eye surgery - and that was it!

I'm getting his eyes fixed for his birthday!  No more glasses for that guy! We go on Friday for his consult to make sure he's a candidate for the surgery. But I'm so excited for him. And jealous - I want mine done too!  Of course, I'll be celebrating the big 4-0 on a few years...maybe I'll put that on my list!

Dangerous Games

Two days in a row!  Look at me! I told you I was going to get better...

The other day hubby and I engaged in a dangerous game - we each said the first three adjectives that came to mind to describe the other person. No thinking, just the first thing that popped into our heads.  My adjectives for the him were "logical, stable, secure". His adjectives for me were "emotional, high energy and violent." Violent?  Really? Meee?

Of course, I immediately demanded examples of such violence. When? When have I been violent? I'm not violent! When have I ever been violent?

Oookay. One time. Geez, swing a paddle in the general direction of a chick splashing water on you immediately after you've instructed her not to and suddenly, you're labeled violent for life. And I don't even see how that can count because I didn't make contact. Now, if I had bopped her over the head like I wanted to, that would be violent.

So the hubby starts back-peddling, trying to do some quick clean up. Well, you know...sometimes you get worked up, a little bit carried away...come on, you know you're my little spit-fire and I love it. You're just...passionate. Yeah, that's it - passionate, that's really what I meant.

I guess he felt like he needed to do some damage control because he was a little scared of my reaction. You know, because I'm all violent and stuff.

So that weekend we had dinner with some friends. We don't get to see them as often as we like and when we do get together, we all usually have kids. So this was a nice adults-only night out. It was going great. We had dinner, had some drinks. 

I could see the hubby getting more and more relaxed.  Which is something he doesn't do often - the guy is wound pretty tight. I could tell because the more relaxed he became, the worse his language got and the more he started talking. So we're talking, we're laughing, we're having fun - it's all good.

Then our game came up. I'm not sure how or why.

And it really is true that alcohol makes you brave because suddenly the boy had no fear.  It was back to violent, not this passionate stuff he tried to feed me earlier.
Of course, they were adequately shocked.  Amber violent? When? When has she been violent? She's not violent! When has she ever been violent?

Then of course, he tells them the paddle story.  But not the paddle story, his paddle story.  Which was SO not like it really happened. Because according to his story, I'm floating down the river, perched like a python, ready to strike - searching for an innocent victim to unleash my wrath upon.

But they know me, so they weren't buying any of it...Then suddenly, before I knew what was happening,  it became all about me. And the next thing I know, he’s telling them a bunch of other stories and other things about me that could have been left unsaid. I mean, it was all in fun spirit but seriously, I know how these things work.  We’re all laughing about it and it’s funny until they get in the car and then it becomes Can you believe that? So yeah, we don’t need everyone to know everything.  Especially when at the end of the night I was pretty sure we had successfully ensured that they would never want to hang out with us again.

It’s okay though, tomorrow I'll tell you what I did to him...

Hello Monday!

Okay, no more whining.  I'm done; I've got it out of my system. I'm moving forward with a good attitude and focusing on the fact that despite the staffing circumstances, I'm still able to provide for my students and maintain our program. And that's the most important thing.

Had conference last week. Always a good time. Always. Love, love, love my friends. I really am such a lucky girl to have such awesome people in my life. I know I say that all the time but really, it's true. Just a great group of people. So awesome to get to work with them.

Love these girls!

One of many photo booth surprises... What happens at hospitality stays at hospitality!

Sooner girls!

Apparently I don't know the difference between gansta face and duck face...

My peeps...gansta patrol

And so talented - watched two of them pull together an entire conference and never break stride. Never panicked, stayed calm and focused throughout everything.  Not me, I'm always in serious freak-out mode. It's just how I operate - like the Tasmanian Devil - I get all worked up and run around like crazy. I think it's probably a lot for others to deal with. I do always pull it together when it's time to go on though.  When that time comes, I take a deep breath, put a smile on my face and go!  No one is going to know about the panic except the people behind the scenes - I make sure about that.

But I do kinda stay high strung all the time.  In fact, during the banquet one of the presenters was gracious enough to recognize me and he said something about me having  more energy than anyone he's ever met.  That was really a nice way to say I'm high strung.

I had a pretty decent Newcomers session. I was a little worried that it was too much information, not enough activity.  I had some unexpected speakers that threw off my agenda...but at least the participants got some exposure to some people besides me. That's always nice. I'll adjust for next year and build in those kind of surprises. So less talking and more playing.

Hospitality was okay. Not the kind of turn out I had hoped for - it's just a challenge hosting in OKC. The local people don't get to stay at the hotel and the people from out of town want to go out and explore Bricktown. It was fun, just wish more people would have made it. The photo booth was a hit. Unfortunately, someone broke what I imagine to be a pretty expensive prop. And guess who got to go explain that one? They were very gracious about it but still, it sucked. It was kinda like telling Mom and Dad you wrecked the car...And then when I was cleaning up afterwards, I found another broken piece. So they donated their machine and their time and we tore up their stuff - nice.

The actual conference was great. One of the best that I can remember. The speakers were all relevant and entertaining and it had a nice flow - the program didn't ever lag. I do feel bad because I  missed concurrent sessions.  This was the first time ever that I've done that.  But I had a meeting that I had to attend and then I got tied up so I wasn't able to make it.

To add to the greatness of conference, I also got free parking for my entire stay! Which was completely awesome because that was $26 a day coming out of my own pocket.  When I went to the loading dock to drop off all my stuff  the guy on duty told me and my friend we could park in the reserved spots. He also told us we looked like we knew how to have fun and he could tell we were a wild group. Then he looked directly at me, eye-balled me up and down and said especially you. That's the first time I've gotten free parking for coming off slutty. Although I'm not sure what was so 'wild' about me. The two car seats in the back of the car? Or the way I carried my luggage so provocatively? Not that I'm complaining- think anything you want about me if parking is free. Especially since the last time someone told me I had a slutty air I ended up dating him... so yeah, I think free parking was a win for everyone.

Somehow along the way I hurt my neck. It's gotten progressively worse and has been a pretty big pain in the butt.  I'm not a big fan of medicine so I usually try to tough it out. Drives my husband crazy but I just feel like if I can deal with it, I'll deal with it - I don't need to take anything.  But the last few days I've been popping asprin like crazy. That's how bad it hurts.  I have no idea what I did to it either...I promise, my head-banging days are long gone.

Sore neck or not, I'm still energized from the conference and ready to knock this day out. With a smile! And a few asprin...

Drowning

I'm here, I'm here - really, I am.

I'm just a little bit...overwhelmed.

My only other full-time person decided not to return from maternity leave. Super cool for her, super sucks for me.  On a personal level, I'm excited for her but on a professional level I'm disappointed that I was told only 2 weeks before her return date.  I've gone the entire semester with an empty position, which could have been filled months ago had I known she wasn't returning. I just feel like I deserved a little more courtesy than that.

But I get it - why give up the paycheck and the benefits until you absolutely have to, right? Our institution doesn't have a policy against it (my former institution you had 30 days to decide) so...

Aaaand one of my part-timers is leaving. So next week it will be me and two part-time people...right in time for our busiest enrollment period. Good times.

Keep me in your thoughts because I'm going to need all the good energy I can find, I'm quickly depleting mine.

Holding on and trying not to drown...