Grossie Jossie

So I'm not sure what happened but I'm peeling. I promise you, I didn't have a sunburn. At least I didn't think I did - I never turned pink and it never hurt! I was just changing clothes and I caught a glimpse of my shoulder and there it was - flaking skin. My beautiful golden tan turning peeling away.

M rubbed most the pieces off, then it just looked like I had some weird skin disease.

I threw on a cover up and went downstairs and the first thing M2 said when she saw me was "Ewwww, gross!".

I agree.

But that's not the only thing gross about me. If you want to retain the illusion that I'm even a half-way appealing person, you should stop reading right now because the things I'm about to share might change that perception forever. Because I do a lot of things that are just kinda...gross.


1. Since I'm irresponsible and can't seem to manage to bring my gym bag each day, I pack it on Sunday and don't take it home until Friday. Which means I wear the same gym clothes 5 days in a row. There is some serious funk going on by day 3.

The gym bag...it stinks too

2. And because I try to get in as much gym time as I can during my lunch hour, there is not time for showering. I have some spray that I put on when I get back to my office. It doesn't really mask the smell, it just kinda mixes in. So I walk around the rest of the day smelling like sweet vanilla sweat.

 My odor "mask". And I didn't buy this for myself, it was a gift.
Because I'm just SO sensual.

3. I don't wash my face at night. I can't really explain this one. It really doesn't make sense because I brush my teeth and it wouldn't be that much more effort to splash some water on my face...I was momentarily better about this but I'm just not into it.

4. I like bloody steak. When I was 12, I went with a group of friends to a fancy steakhouse to celebrate one of their birthdays. It was a big deal because her parents sat at another table and we got to feel grown up and order on our own. I hadn't ever had restaurant steak before - when we had it at home, it got plunked down on my plate and I ate it;  no one ever asked how I wanted it cooked. So when the waitress asked me, I had no clue what she was talking about. So when I asked her what she meant, she quickly rattled off a list of things and I repeated the first one that I heard - rare. But I didn't get what that meant. When she brought the steak it was swimming in red "sauce". It was the best steak I had ever had. It was amazing. I've been hooked ever since. Now I order medium-rare, mostly out of consideration for my husband, who finds it highly disturbing to see blood coming from my food.

5. I have an insane amount of body hair. It's seriously unreal. I have hair growing in places that hair should not grow. I'm a trimmed up version of Chewbacca. And it's not soft, fine hair either. I shave my legs each morning and by mid-afternoon I'm walking around with cactus legs. You know it's bad when you're in bed and you rub your leg against your husband and he yells "Ouch!. Because nothing quite sets the mood like exfoliating someone's body with your porcupine legs.

Before Nair

After Nair

 

6. I don't poop that often. I don't have "issues", it's just my system. I've always been that way. To my horror, my husband has told people in amazement "Amber doesn't ever poop!", like it's some party trick I learned in college or something. And of course, after he says that I have to defend myself and assure everyone that I do, in fact, poop which opens up a gross and embarrassing conversation about my bowl functions.

7. I have conversations about poop.

8. I eat lemons. I don't know how gross that really is, but I don't see many people do it. I love lemon water and my newest thing is Diet Dr. Pepper with lemon. But I always take the lemon out after I'm finished and eat it. I would probably eat lemon by itself, like an apple or a peach, if it wasn't so bad for your teeth.

9. I wouldn't go so far as to say I like it, but I'm not offended by skunk smell. I don't know why, it's just not as repulsive to me as it should be. Everyone is all coughing and gagging and I'm all "Hey, let's go eat."

10. I'm a sloppy nail clipper. I don't even try to be clean about it; I let them fly all over the place. I do, however, vacuum them up. So that's only a little gross, right?

I'm sure there are about a dozen other really gross things I do but that's it for today. I gotta ease you into it - it helps with the repulsion...