Soooo remember in an old post when I was talking about my sense of humor and how sometimes people could interpret it as insecurity but I said that was never true because the things I'm really insecure about are the things I never talk about?
Of course you don't remember...it was just a random line in an old post from several years ago. But it's true. I will joke all day long about my height, make fun of my dumbo ears, laugh at myself for being a lousy cook and crack jokes about being a
But I am insecure. I have huge insecurities. Which is why I have no idea why I'm about to share one of them. Okay, here goes...*Deep breath
One of the things I am most insecure about is the fact that I *Oh my God. Am I really gonna do this? Okay. Just say it - really quick. Ihaveanuglyvagina. Yes. You read that right. I have an ugly vagina. Don't laugh! It's a serious thing. For real.
I had no clue, for a very long time. I mean, it's not like I had a frame of reference or anything. I've got the one, and that's it and I pretty much assumed they all looked alike. My first boyfriend, who was my first everything, never said a word. And when I said he was my first everything, I really mean everything. Before him, I had never even seen male anatomy - like, not even a picture. I was so inexperienced. And clueless. But how could I be anything different when I didn't even know what my options were? It's not like they teach technique in sex ed and I never found a copy of Sex For Newbies.
So it wasn't great. I didn't know it at the time - I just thought that's how it was done. It wasn't until I learned to have sex that I was like "Oh my God - this is how it's suppose to be? This! Is! Awesome!"
And I totally fault him. He was several years old than me and a real slut. You would think someone that had slept with so many people might be able to provide some instruction. Some feedback. Some type of guidance. But no - there was nothing. It was a very in the dark, under covers, not really looking at each other thing. And I think maybe that's why he never said anything to me. I honestly don't think he ever looked at me enough to notice...
So fast forward several years and some experience later: My husband and I have been dating a while and we've gotten into the comfortable stage. And he starts teasing me about it. And here's the thing - you can't "tease" a woman about her vagina. Ever. Just...no.
I was shocked - they don't all look the same? And mines ugly? I had no clue - it's not like I ever had a guy run away in horror screaming "Oh my God, No! It's too disgusting!" So it's not like it's gross, right? Right?
So I blew off the teasing as just that - teasing. But then, in the back of my mind the thoughts started to grow. I started getting paranoid. What if it was gross? And over the years I started to feel a little self-conscience and then really self-conscience. So one day I did what any reasonable person would do - I googled it. And then I really felt bad. Whatever you do, don't ever google it!
I call my oldest friend and start the conversation with "I HAVE AN UGLY VAGINA!" She didn't miss a beat. "How do you know?" "Because I googled it!" And apparently that didn't seem odd to her because the next thing she said was "Oh my God. What are you going to do?" She said it really sympathetically - like I'd lost my job or something. Huh? What am I going to do? It's a vagina...what can I do?
But there was something.
So the next morning I called my OB/GYN. I wasn't really sure how any of this worked I mean, how do you have a conversation like that? but I was determined. When the nurse answered the phone I asked to speak to the doctor. Of course, they weren't having any of that. I explained that I wanted to speak with her about a referral. Well, that really confused her so she asked what type of referral. "A plastic surgeon." "A plastic surgeon? Honey, she's in Gynecology." "I know. I need to talk to her about a plastic surgeon....for a...uh...for a...uh...a labiaplasty" There was a deafening silence. Then "Okay, what's your name and number and we'll have her call you." Ugh. Really? Do I have to give you my name and number? Because I basically just told you that I wanted to have plastic surgery on my lady parts and I would feel soooo much better about that if you didn't know who I was.
Less than 5 minutes later my phone rings. "Amber, this is Dr. Hager. What's this about a labiaplasty? Why are you wanting to do this?!" So I explain, I feel self-conscience, I'm not happy with the way it looks...and I have the coolest OB/GYN. If she didn't see me in stirrups with my knees up to my ears, she would totally be someone I would hang out with. Then she tells me - like a girlfriend, not like a doctor- "You could get an infection, have permanent scarring, suffer nerve damage, lose sensation and decrease your ability to orgasm. You really do not want to do this. Besides, there's only three people that see your vagina - you, your husband and me." Which technically isn't true. Because I don't see it.
My mind was pretty much changed the minute she mentioned loss of sensation and not being able to find the "happy place". Because really, it doesn't matter how pretty it is if it doesn't work. I need it to work.
So that night I kinda casually mention the phone call to the doctor to my husband just to see what he would say and he flips out. I think the opening phrase was "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Why would you do that?" So I repeated some of the comments he's made. Actually, I think it I repeated all of the comments he's made. It must really suck for him that I have such a ferocious memory. "I was just giving you a hard time!" he said, laughing. Yes. But you were giving me a hard time about my vagina. That doesn't fall into the simple "razzing" category.
That next afternoon my phone rings - my oldest friend. I answer the phone to "I HAVE AN UGLY VAGINA TOO!" "Ohhh no. You googled it, didn't you?"
I'm sharing this really embarrassing thing to highlight two very important life lessons: if you can't say anything nice about the V, don't say anything at all and whatever you do, don't ever google it!
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