Conference Adventures: Crying A River

So this conference brought me to tears. Literally. I ended the conference bawling like a baby.  And not the pretty-girl cry, but the type of ugly cry that looks painful and causes other people to avoid making eye contact. That horrible sniffling, scrunched up face, triple intake of air cry.

Never in my life have I needed a shirt that said "Hot Mess" more than I did at that instant. (Okaaay, there was that one time in Tijuana....but totally different type of hot mess) I tried hard but I could not keep it together. 

Here's the thing, and you probably already know it - I'm deeply sentimental. So you would expect that I would have been thinking and preparing for the fact that that was my last state conference and potentially my last conference ever. But I didn't. I totally didn't. 

I don't know...I just never really felt that it was the end. 

Until the end.

One of my dearest friends had suggested before the conference that we needed to do something symbolic to represent the end of an era and our friendship.  Not the end of our friendship, just the era...Hey, tomorrow we won't be friends, let's do something to symbolize that!

So I ran out with two of my best friends and we got matching tattoos. It's been almost 20 years since my last tattoo and I guess I must have forgotten how painful they are because that little thing hurt! It didn't help that while he was tattooing me, the guy was ranting about evil people who flip houses.  The more he talked about it, the angrier he got and the angrier he got, the deeper his needle went. It was almost like he knew we have flipped houses and he was extracting his revenge. I was trying to stay calm but all I could think in my head was "Stop talking!"

But I love the tattoo - absolutely love it. Both the actual tattoo and the symbolism of it and I will forever be glad that we did it.

We will never drift apart...

Even with the tattoos, I never got sad or sentimental.  I guess I was too busy enjoying myself to even think about it. And I had a series of small adventures to contend with that helped provide some distraction, and some humor - like losing my car in the parking garage, having my drivers license stuck overnight under a potted plant and getting a ticket for illegal parking. None of that sounds really funny but it was, trust me.   Of course, the funniest part of all those things is that if it happened to someone else I would totally being thinking "What a dumbass!"  No worries, the irony of that is not lost on me.

So conference wraps up and a small group of us are meeting for lunch before heading our separate ways.  We're standing around visiting when a friend comes over randomly and hugs me. A real hug. A tight, lingering, kinda sad hug. And it's funny because I knew immediately what it meant and I kinda got chocked up. Then I looked at her and she just gave me this look and it was over.  Just quiet, sad little tears because it really hit me how much I would miss her. And so many others.

Then she hugged me again! Seriously? No! Don't be nice to me, it only makes it worse.

I think I was so overcome because I hadn't prepared or anticipated feeling sad.  I hadn't really thought about all the amazing people I'm about to lose. Yeah, yeah, I know - you can always stay in touch, there's facebook, twitter, phone calls, emails...but the reality is that things change and people drift apart. It's a by-product of lives moving in different directions.

After lunch I hugged everyone goodbye, got in my car and cried. Not the little tears that I had earlier - this was a full cry.  I thought of all these people and wondered if they knew how much they meant to me, how much I learned from them, how much I cherished their mentorship and how grateful I am for their friendship. Would I get a chance to tell them? Or was this really it?

Endings are always hard. But there is something about an unfinished ending that is extra tough. I've had some of those and I think I will always carry the things unspoken, always have questions.  If I have the chance, I want closure. Even if sometimes it is more difficult, it's what I need.

Since I've got some time, I decided to write letters. I just don't think I'll be ready to leave this phase of my life until I have the opportunity to share with these people how amazing I think they are and to thank them for their love. Because I think it's kinda a rare thing for people to love you, really love you - when you have it, you've got to appreciate it and recognize it for the special thing it really is.  If things go well and we are refunded I will have two more conferences but I'm doing the letter thing anyway. I'm not counting on being able to say any of what I want to say in person - I just don't think I could get through it without crying.

And who wants to see sniffling, scrunched up face, triple intake of air cry?