Just returned from our state conference - had such a great time and a few fun adventures. But first, let me tell you about The Dress That Was Never Meant To Be.
So the conference banquet was themed and I needed a 1920's Great Gatsby style dress. I ran to a thrift store and found a few that I thought I could make work. As I was walking to the fitting room I happened to see a mannequin in a gown I thought would be perfect. It was heavily beaded, had some intricate lace and was closer to the Gatsby style than any of the other dresses I had. It was also immediately obvious that it was too small. I could just tell from looking at it and then when I peeked at the tag it was a size 8. And I'm not a size 8.
But I liked it and I just wanted to see...so I decided to try. I told myself not to get my hopes up but secretly I was hoping this would be the dress.
My first sign that it wasn't the dress should have been the fact that I couldn't zip it up. And not because the zipper was hard to reach. I couldn't zip it up because I couldn't get it to close. But did that deter me? Of course not.
Never underestimate the inventiveness of a woman on a mission.
So I did what any logical person would do. I zipped it up and then slithered it down over my body. But perhaps "slithered" isn't the right adjective because that sounds kinda easy. So yeah, scratch "slithered". What I actually did was tug, pull, yank and force this thing over my body.
It was not an easy task.
Every single part of me was squished into this thing, but that didn't matter. It's on so it fits!
I knew it was a little risky but I went ahead and paid my $8 and bought the dress. I wasn't sure how I was going to fit into it but somehow that didn't seem like a big priority.
I don't change my eating habits or increase my exercise but the next week I try it on again. You know, just to see if I had miraculously lost weight.
Nope. Still too tight.
Then we go off on a road trip. Do you know what happens on road trips? Fast food. That's what happens on road trips. So after a week of cheeseburgers and fries I tried again.
After 20 minutes, lots of grunts and some sweat it was on. But...oh, my...Houston, we have a problem.
See, the first two times I put it on I was wearing a regular bra. But the dress is a halter dress and requires either no bra or a strapless bra. As I've shared before, my girls suffer from depression and lost their perk some time ago so no bra is NOT an option for me. Like, ever.
The third time I was wearing a strapless. And it changed things. Significantly.
See, I actually had to flatten my boobs to mammogram level to get the dress down. Then I used my bra strap to kinda pull them back up into the right location. They were flattened but they were the right shape and in the right place.
In the strapless, I couldn't do that. I had no way to pull them back up. I thought I could just reach into the dress and adjust but it was so tight that wasn't happenin. They ended up in weird places and completely out of shape. Like, how-is-my-boob-a-triangle out of shape. One looked like a weird growth on the side of my armpit and the other was swimming around my belly button.
It was bad. Oh so bad.
And I could do flattened boobs. Is it attractive? No. But I was totally willing to do it. But this. This I could not do.
Did I tell you this was exactly 6 days before the conference? Which, in my head, was like no time to find another dress. I mean, this is a costume. I'm shopping thrift stores - and it's totally hit or miss. I didn't want to risk it so I decided to see if I could have it let out.
In my head I was thinking $20. That's what I was willing to spend. So off to the tailor I go. Of course, she tells me she thinks it's fine. Yeahhhh, because I'm wearing a real bra. This shit doesn't stay here in a strapless, lady, trust me.
So she tells me $30. I kinda rationalize that it's only $10 more. So I do it. I immediately walk out trying to justify why I just spent $38 on a dress that I'm wearing for a grand total of 2 hours.
I know $38 is not a lot of money. But I'm a thrifty shopper. I shop a lot but I'm good at it and I buy cheap. Like seriously cheap. Like most my dresses are in the $15 and under range. Once I was out shopping with my Mom (who does not shop cheap) and I found a dress I liked for $24.99. I was really debating if I should get it because I didn't know if I wanted to spend that much. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "It's Tweny. Four. Ninety-Nine."
So you can understand my turmoil in spending $38 for a dress I will never wear again. But I convince myself that it's not a lot of money and it's worth it. Which is actually code for I just decided to stop thinking about it.
The Friday before conference I pick up the dress. The $38 dress that I will never wear again.
And guess what? She hadn't let it out enough. The stupid dress was still tight! Now I just spent $40 for a dress that still doesn't fit! *And yes, $40. When you get screwed out of money, you always round up.
She tried to convince me it was "perfect" and as I'm turning in front of the mirror, she let's out a small gasp.
Okay, that's never a good sign.
"Your zipper! It's broke!"
Right in the middle of my back the dress is gaping open. The top is zipped. The bottom is zipped. But the middle is wide open where the zipper has literally just pulled apart.
There's my exhibit A that you didn't let it out enough! When she offered to fix it for $16, I grabbed the dress and got out of there.
My default solution to any problem is Google. And it didn't let me down. I quickly watched a tutorial and was convinced I could fix it. I'm going to save this dress.
I also decide I will use the leftover material from the alterations to create a little wrap to camouflage the tightness. But my sewing machine isn't working and the ends of the satin are frayed. Definitely has to be fixed. So I buy - yes, I'm buying more stuff! - some liquid stitch and spend way too much time fixing this stupid wrap.
In the tutorial video, the man uses a pair of pliers to pinch the zipper and it solves the problem. So first thing I do when I get home is pull out the toolbox. I squeeze the zipper, zip the dress and pull. And it doesn't come apart. I do it again, pulling a little harder. Still zipped.
It worked!
Then I get a little paranoid. What if I'm in the middle of dinner and it snaps open? Or comes open while I'm walking? So I decide to do it one more time. But this time when I clamp the pliers, I hear a little snap. And off flies the zipper pull.
But I am wearing this damn dress!
So I call on friends and get them to commit to sewing me into this thing. I honestly don't care how it's done, we are going to make this happen.
I was able to get into the dress without the need for sewing, stapling or liposuction. And once we got the zipper up, it stayed closed. It was still way too tight but it was shut and that's the best I could hope for.
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| It's not flattering but IT'S ON! |
The lesson in all of this is really very simple - when you buy a dress that is obviously too small and not going to fit over your body no matter how hard you try, you should expect one thing:
to find a good tailor!
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