Praying To The Porcelain God

So I've been spending a lot of time kneeling in front of the toilet lately. But no worries, this is Phase III in my relationship with the porcelain god.

Phase I involved late nights, good music, and lots of dancing.  We'd get to the club and I would head straight for the dance floor. And of course throughout the night my friends would bring me drinks - with all that dancing I might become dehydrated, right?  And how can a girl refuse a gesture like that? I mean, I didn't want to seem rude... So sometimes, maybe, at some point the room may have started to spin a little and I may have laughed a little too much and a little too loud while declaring my declarations of love for anyone who happened to be standing in my vicinity, and I may have needed just a little bit of help balancing in the three inch heels I was wearing.  And sometimes something I ate didn’t quite agree with my stomach so I would end my night spending a lengthy amount of time kneeling in front of the toilet.

Phase II involved early mornings, growing our family and cute little baby bumps. I felt great with both pregnancies but I did succumb to morning sickness.  With M I never really felt nauseous. I would just be sitting there and all the sudden I would know I was going to get sick so I would calmly walk to the bathroom, do the deed, and feel immediately better. Piece of cake. 

It was a tiny bit more difficult with M2 because they had me on progesterone- which is a female hormone. So I was getting huge doses of this hormone and it was hard for my system to take. So I actually felt nauseous and did the deed. It hit me a bit harder and lasted a bit longer with her. In both cases, however, that was my introduction to motherhood – that was the experience that made it real.  As I knelt in front of the toilet, I understood very clearly that my body was no longer my own and that everything about my life was changing.

Phase III involves milestones, big girl panties and growing up.  And a Mommy who is not sure how she feels about all that.  M2 is officially potty trained!  We’ve been moving in that direction for a while but I wasn’t in a rush, I’ve been lingering and letting it happen naturally. And maybe even secretly kinda avoiding it a little. She is, after all, my baby and sometimes it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that this is it for me. Until I see someone with an infant and I recognize the glazed, frantic, sleep deprived look – then it becomes not so hard. So we’ve been wearing big girl panties for two weeks now.  So I’ve been spending a lot of time running to the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet and waiting for the magic to happen.  And singing my special pee-pee in the potty song. Which is one of my personal favorites.

And out of all the phases, I have to admit – this is my favorite.

Screw It

I've had such a bad attitude lately. Just really in a screw it, don't care mode. It hasn't been good at all, not one bit. I can't seem to care enough to run.  And I've been drinking pop and not even caring.  I'm not even trying to be good.

I get so tired of doing that to myself - I feel like I am forever talking about gettting back to it or starting over. I wish I could just stick with it for once. My gosh, how many times am I going to start over? How many times can I declare I'm going to recommitt myself?

Ugh, it's so annoying.

So I'm kinda fed up with myself right now.

I've got a fun weekend planned and I hope that will help break me out of this funk.

Somethings gotta give because this stinks!

The Only Thing You Can Steal Is My Heart

Well, it happened.  It’s something almost every parent will experience but we all hope to avoid – we caught M stealing.  She snuck some books into her backpack from her daycare. 

When she got in the car she began telling me she got some books from the library. They do have a library at school but the kids don’t bring the books home so when I asked her questions and she couldn’t answer them I knew something was up.  So I asked her to give me the books and written across them in marker was the last name of her daycare owner.

Definitely not library books.

The funny thing about kids is that they really, truly, honestly believe you’re not any smarter than they are.

So I told her when we got home she was going to get in trouble for lying and for stealing the books.  The very first thing she asked was if I had to tell her Daddy. So I knew immediately that was exactly what I was going to do.

It wasn’t pretty.  For any of us.

We also made her take the books back to the daycare and apologize for taking something that didn’t belong to her. That was actually the toughest part for her-she buried her head in my legs for about 5 minutes, she was so embarrassed.

I remember when I was a kid and I got in trouble  my Mom would always tell me that it hurt her as much as it hurt me. I had no idea how true that was until I become a Mom myself…

Manic Monday

Don't you hate it when your morning starts off with an email with bad news?  So do I.

I had put in a request for something at work and when it was discussed verbally it sounded like something that would be supported. So I submitted my official request and just got the email that it won't be approved. Frustrating. And confusing. But mostly just frustrating.

I've got several things this week that I'm going to have to take care of that I honestly would rather just avoid altogether.  I have such a hard time with that side of the job - I hate having to address issues.  I guess everybody does...I just feel it's especially difficult for me.  I do it because I know it has to be done but it is the most unnatural thing for me.  Managing people is the hardest thing I have ever done. Besides parenting. And that says a lot. 

Speaking of parenting - I fell in love with my girls all over again this weekend. I mean, I always love them.  But I think sometimes I forget how to enjoy them.  We had a fabulous weekend together and it was really hard to go to work today.  Really hard.

We've been talking about having me stay home. It's something that I've got to make some decisions about.  There is a part of me that absolutely wants that - for me and the girls. But then there is that part of me that struggles with the thought of not working - giving up something I enjoy. It's hard for me to imagine just walking away.  And it's scary to give up my independance.

It's been a discussion in our home for some time but we're at the point that a decision needs to be made. It won't happen overnight but the hourglass is running out...

Cough It Up

Spent a large part of my day running around with the girls. There have been several (7 at last count) confirmed cases of RSV at their daycare center so I decided to get them in and get them checked out.  RSV is a virus so there really isn't anything they can do, it just has to run it's course. And for toddlers/children it's not really even dangerous - it's just like a respiratory cold.

But my kiddos have bad, bad, bad allergy problems so I wouldn't be able to recognize the most common symptoms because they have runny noses and coughs almost constantly.  And since it's highly contagious and spreads rapidly,  I didn't want them to go to school and get other kids sick.  Plus hubby is out of town so I just needed peace of mind that we could spend the weekend without any trips to the emergency room.

So I plunked down my $50 and found out we're healthy. And that the nurse thinks my kids are beautiful enough to be on Toddlers & Tiaras. Which is a little interesting because to me you don't have to be beautiful to be on that show - you simply have to have a mother who is willing to tan you up, buy you a hairpiece, and slap in some fake teeth. No thank you - I'm not too keen on encouraging my girls to look like little hookers. 

She meant it as a compliment and I totally took it that way. Even if I don't sound like it. I really did. I just have huge, major issues with that show. Actually, I have huge issues with a lot of what society teaches little girls. But I won't get started on that...at least not tonight.

So this was a new doctors office. We had a pediatrician that I loved - I really liked and trusted her. She was a little on the Nazi side so I wasn't so sure at first but then I found that I really liked her direct manner and the fact that she didn't mess around - she always just put it out there.

But we changed insurance at the beginning of the year. Not something I wanted to do - but the rates on our other company had gone up significantly and it was hard to justify staying with them. Actually, that was mainly just hard for my husband because he's all about the bottom line.  So we switched. Today when I called the new office to make an appointment I was told there were no doctors working today. I just think that is crazy. How does a doctors office not have doctors? They suggested I go to urgent care, which is DOUBLE my office visit copay. DOUBLE.

I wasn't about to do that - no way. What's the point in even having a doctor if I'm going to do that?  So I called the insurance company and had a serious discussion about the ineffectiveness of their healthcare providers and my refusal to be tied to a doctor who wasn't available to me and they switched me over to a different doctor and even made the appointment for me.

But this doctor was weird. Like weird weird. Which, I'm a little socially awkward too but this was...different. So next Monday I'll be switching again.

This insurance company is gonna looooove me...

Hate And Love

I was going to share a list of things that I hate about having braces but the list was too short: I don’t feel like my teeth are ever really clean, I do feel like I always have bad breath, and the braces kill any ability to try to be even half way sexy.

And that’s it.

So in order to give you a real list, here are some things I don’t hate.  In fact, these are some things I actually kinda love:

1. The mornings when the girls wake up and run to my room and act more excited about finding me then they do over Christmas presents.

2. The mornings when the girls sleep in and do not run into my room.

3. Strawberry cheesecake ice cream.  I’m not a big fan of ice cream but I love this stuff.  My Kindergarten teacher, Miss Camp, used to take me out for ice cream (and dinner at her house once too – which would SO not happen today) and that was the first time I ever tried it.  And it’s the only kind of ice cream cone I ordered after that. Until a few years ago when Braums stopped carrying it – now they only have it as a special and it’s hard to find.

4.  Music that makes me want to dance.

5. Dancing.

6. Spicy apple/cinnamon air fresheners.

7.  Bath & Body Works Plumeria products.  I like other scents too but that’s my favorite. They were suppose to discontinue it a few years ago so my husband  bought me about 10 bottles – I’m on my last one now.

Smells so good!

8. Wearing an apron when I cook.

9. A clean car. Even though mine rarely is.

10. Having a to do list with every item marked off.

Ignore the sloppy handwriting - I was in a hurry.

11. Watching my friends be successful.

12. Movies that make me laugh out loud.

13. Mexican food.

14. Actually putting all the laundry away. This rarely occurs so it makes me especially happy when it does.

15. When someone gets my sense of humor. I don't have low self-esteem, just a self depreciating sense of humor. And it's funny.

16. When I think my M&M's are all gone but then I see one last one at the very bottom of the bag. This applies to french fries too.

17. The smell of new books or magazines.  And yes, I actually do smell them. Weird, I know.

18. Wanting to pull my hair back and actually finding a rubber band at the bottom of my purse.

Yes, my purse is always this junky. *Sigh

19. Saying prayers with my girls.

20. Fuzzy blankets.

21. Facial hair. But not my own.

22. Guys that smell good.

23. Pilot G-2 07 colored pens. And I coordinate them to match whatever I'm wearing. Yes, I really do.

It's pink today!

24. The feel of clean sheets.

Two Different Pages

I’ve tried to be sincere, upfront, and honest while sharing my life through this blog.  For the most part I just go and whatever happens to be on my mind is what you get.  There isn’t a whole lot of filtering going on. I guess that could be good or bad, depending on who you ask.

I’ve also tried to make sure I didn’t use it as a forum for airing all my grievances and dirty laundry.   I just think there are some things that aren’t meant for public entertainment. Or public judgment.  But I'm an imperfect person with an imperfect life. And that isn’t new to anyone. At least to anyone that knows me.

So there’s a difficult balance between being open and remaining private.  Today those lines are a little blurry for me.  Maybe I’m just frustrated enough that I don’t care. Because I’ve been frustrated for most the day.

There are a lot of things about life that my husband and I view differently.  And I think that’s okay, sometimes even good.

Sometimes it’s very, very difficult.  Like today.  

We spent a large amount of time today clashing about some of those things.  And I get that everyone argues – you can’t take two people and mesh them together without some conflict.  It happens. That's normal.

But it becomes more of an issue when it’s not an argument but a fundamental difference in values or perspective. And it's the same conflict – the dialog never changes. And I don’t know that it ever will.  So I’ve got to find some way to reconcile that or be okay with not reconciling it.

It’s difficult for me because I’ve always wanted to spend my life making a difference. Well, except when I was five and wanted to be a model – that was before I realized there wasn’t a huge demand for short, stubby, somewhat attractive women in the modeling industry.  It was a sad day when that reality came crashing down. You mean you have to be strikingly gorgeous with a bangin body and legs galore to do that? Get out!

But I’ve always felt called to make a difference – even in a small way. That’s why I wanted to be in public service – at one point I believed I was going to storm DC and make the world right.  It didn’t quite end up that way but I’m fortunate enough to have the opportunity to do something.  So I love my job because I feel like I get to give back. I get to spend my day doing something positive, something meaningful. It’s not just a job for me- it’s something I really care about, something I’m passionate about. 

My husband doesn’t understand that so it’s hard for him to accept that I would want do things above and beyond what I need to do. It’s hard for him to understand my job period.   He doesn’t see any value of it and quite honestly doesn’t think it should exist.

That’s hard for me. 

And I can’t seem to find a way to make it any less hard.

So that's the ugly of what's on my mind right now. Judge away...