Peaks & Valleys

I am having such a Monday!

I hate when I make myself look stupid. Surprisingly though, I do it often. Really, sometimes I wonder why I can’t get my head out. 

And it isn’t big things – budget analysis, strategic planning, presentations, manuals, reports – I’m your girl! You can count on me to get it right and meet deadline. Just tell me what you need and I deliver, each and every time.

No, it’s the little tiny things that make people wonder about me.   Like the exchange I had after a discussion on a travel request when I heard “What’s it for?” only to discover the real question was “How was your fourth?”  See, see how that might be just a little awkward?

And people wonder why I claim to be socially inept.  Well, because about 75% of the time I am, I really truly am.  So I won’t be winning any awards for my charming personality – I’ll just retain my title of ‘Efficient and Smart, Until You Talk To Her & Then You Just Don't Know’ because hey, I’ve kinda earned it.

And what is up with the temperature in my office today? Every day, every single day it is cold in my office. I keep my heater out all year round – I don’t always use it but I use it too often to bother with putting it away. And maybe that speaks more to my laziness than it does to the climate control challenges here on campus…either way; it’s hot in here today. Way too hot. So hot that I’m sweating just sitting. Like a constant sweat. But not enough that I actually look sweaty – nope, I just look shiny.  On pretty girls this is considered “glistening” but on girls like me, well, it’s just considered oily.

There is one saving grace to this day, however vain it may be, and that is my rack looks amazing. Not sure why but the girls seem to be bigger and perkier than normal. In fact, I looked down and almost did a double take – whoooaa, where did these come from?  I don’t know if it’s the new shirt I’m wearing (which I will most definitely be wearing again) or if I’m just so hot that they’ve begun to swell…either way, I’ll take it this little piece of happiness and enjoy it.

My Vagina Is On Fire

Sorry, guess I should give a little warning before I bust out with something like that…so consider yourself warned – this post isn’t for the light-hearted. Or for anyone offended by vagina.

So yeah, my vagina is on fire. Umm, no - it isn’t that kind of burning.  My actual lady parts are just fine. It’s just everything around it that’s an issue.  See, I have the misfortune of being the hairiest woman alive. Seriously, I have more body hair then most guys. I know, real attractive, right?

Since I prefer to not look like sasquatch, I try to take care of that stuff.  I’m a big believer in depilatory cream. It’s easy, inexpensive but most of all – it tames that beastly hair.  So that’s about all I’ve ever done. I’ve never tried waxing – it just sounds painful.  I know it’s really supposed to work but I can’t get past the idea that scorching hot wax and my vagina are two things that should never meet.

Plus, I feel like I have a lot of freedom with the cream. I can take my time and make sure it looks exactly the way I want it too. And I can get creative when the mood strikes. Yes, I admit I’ve been known to sport different designs. But that’s more for fun than anything else because who doesn’t love finding a surprise heart on Valentine’s Day?

So I do the magic cream and shave in between to keep the bikini line clean. And that’s always worked pretty well for me. Until the other day, when I decided that it would just be quicker to shave. Not a maintenance shave, but a full shave. We were getting ready to swim, I was already in the shower and thought it would save some time to do it right then.  And it did save time.

But oh my god, I will never do that again. Totally, totally not worth it. My whole private region itches like you wouldn’t believe and there is no way to relieve that itch without looking like I should be charged with lewd and lascivious acts.  Yeah, the deodorant trick didn’t work this time.

In case you don’t know, you can use deodorant after a shave to keep it from getting irritated. You will want to be careful, though, about the scent of deodorant you use. I would avoid anything musky or sports scented. It doesn’t make a difference in how it works but it will keep you from having to explain why you smell like a dude down there.

So the important lesson here kids, is that you should just stick to the things that work because if you try to take a shortcut, you might just get burned…

Blinded By ...Who Knows What?

Yesterday started out like a normal day but ended with me nearly blind.

I'm not really sure what happened. The day started normal. My eyes were a little watery but I thought it was just allergies. Even though I don't have allergies. But you know, there's all kinds of stuff floating around in the air and it didn't seem that strange to me.

I got to the gym later than normal. I step outside and notice my eyes are super sensitive to the light. It's blindingly bright outside.  When I was on the treadmill I noticed it was a little hard to focus. Not like anything was blurry but it felt like my eyes were trying to pull together. Like they wanted to roll inwards. Does that even make sense? 

I realize I've got an orthodontist appointment and since I got to the gym late, I had to cut my hour short.  I rush over out of the gym and this time the sunlight is even worse and I'm thinking dang, I should have brought my sunglasses. I change my clothes and leave for my appointment but this time when I step outside, it's so bright I can't keep my eyes open. Literally can't keep them open.

I throw on my sunglasses and take off, thinking my eyes will adjust. But no, they didn't. I was involuntarily squinting the entire drive. So much so that I kinda thought maybe I shouldn't be driving. But I was already on the road and I've got full coverage, so what the hell, right?

I get to the orthodontist office and I still can't stop squinting. I'm trying as hard as I can to make them open, but I can't.  And they're getting watery. Nothing is hurting, I just look ridiculous. So I go to the bathroom to throw away my contacts. The minute I take them out my eyes start kinda burning. Nothing too bad but it's uncomfortable.

At this point, I'm still thinking it's allergies. So the orthodontist comes in, does his thing and I'm all sorry my eyes are leaking.  Then I wait for the tech to come in to do the real work and it's getting worse and worse. Now my eyes are really burning. And really watery - I have a constant flow of tears.  She's trying to stay calm but I could tell she was a little freaked out because she kept saying "Are you sure you're okay?" "Do you need some help?" And I'm like "No, no -  I'm fine! Allergies."

I stumble out to my car and call my husband to tell him something is going on with my eyes. No you don't need to come get me. Yes, I'm okay to drive.  It's just some weirdness. No, I'm fine - no worries. 

What is it about me that I just never think I need help? Even though I literally couldn't see, I was sure I could drive myself. My plan was to tilt my head back and peak out of the little slit I could create by using all my eye strength to try to pry my eyes open.

I didn't make it out of the parking lot.

The husband arrives and decides immediately I need to see a doctor. And I'm past the point of believing all is fine so I agree. Of course, it's after 5 by this point so off to urgent care we go.  The doctor took a look at me and scheduled me an emergency appointment with an opthamologist.

The opthamologist determined I had some kind of toxic reaction to something and that my contact were acting as a shield for my eye which is why it got worse when I took them out. I have no clue what got in my eyes.

We was kind enough to give me a bunch of free medication - he said it was over $200 worth. Freebies rock! So now I've got a rotation of medications to use throughout the week, including one that is goopy and gross. But my eyes feel better and can actually open - so no complaints!



This is what $200 worth of eye medication looks like - minus one bottle.

Perfectly Imperfect

I talk about my shortcomings a lot. I joke about them a lot. Because of that, sometimes it seems like I've got low self-esteem or feel self conscience. And that's so not true.  I would like to think that the people that know me, understand that - but sometimes I'm not sure.

I talk about these things because they're part of who I am.  If I tell you that I'm not a great cook - there isn't a value assigned to that, it's the same as me telling you that my favorite colors is purple. It's just another thing to know about me.

I don't feel inadequate that I can't catch a ball. I just feel like maybe I'm not the one you want to pick for your team. And I don't feel inadequate that I can't sing. I just won't audition for American Idol - like ever. And I don't feel inadequate that I'm chubby - even though the world tells me I should.

Do I wish I could sing like Adele? Yes. Do I wish I had the body of Sophia Vergara? Hell yes.

But those things, none of those things make me feel inadequate. My real inadequacies, my real insecurities are things you won't hear me talk about.

But in our society, we're not suppose to admit our failures. When you do, it evokes an automatic response convincing you otherwise.  I'm sure it's because we have the need to make other people feel good. I've done it myself. "What? No! You're a great cook!" as I try to choke down ribs that taste like tree bark.  But then it's always awkward because you know dinner sucks and they know it sucks but you both have to keep pretending it really doesn't.

Look, I know I'm not perfect. And I love myself anyway. I want the people in my life to know I'm not perfect and love me anyway too.

So don't waste your time trying to convince me I'm all these things that I'm not. I would much rather you spend your time convincing me that I don't need to be any more than I already am.

GRRRR

I am frustrated beyond measure!

A series of events have occurred lately to make me realize that I either have to lower my expectations or keep getting frustrated. Those are my options.

And I don't understand - are my expectations really that high? Am I being that unreasonable?

Surely not. Surely I'm not the only person out there with some understanding of professionalism? Right?

And I'm not talking inexperienced people here - these are people that should know better, but apparently don't.

Get it together and stop running an amateur show!  Whatever it is that you do, you should learn to do it well! At least take your job seriously enough to put some effort into it - otherwise, just go flip burgers somewhere.

Okay, I think I've expelled enough judgement for today. Rant over.

Confessional Monday

I could hardly get out of bed this morning. Part of that was the fact that my husband’s stupid weather alarm kept going off last night. Seriously, it felt like it went off every two hours. I was ready to rip the dang thing out of the wall and throw it out the window. And in my disoriented, sleep-deprived state I may have growled some type of violent threat because he finally got it in check. So I had just enough uninterrupted sleep to get into really good deep sleep when my alarm went off and it was time to start the day.

The other difficult part of getting out of bed was the actual getting out of bed. Physically it was just hard to do. Had a really, really active weekend and my poor, out-of-shape body was not prepared. Of course, this wouldn’t be a problem if I had been keeping up with the workouts. I’ve been walking but I have to confess that I haven’t had a home workout in over two weeks.

But that’s not my worst confession. Oh no, there’s more. Here’s a glimpse of some of my transgressions from this weekend:

1. I Watched Nearly Naked Men Gyrate: The husband had just gone to bed when I grab the remote, plop on the couch and look for something that doesn’t involve alligators, noodling, Alaska or surviving in the dessert. Not that I mind watching that kind of stuff but occasionally I like to watch a tv show with more dialogue then “Git it, git it! Yeah, that’s a big one thare.”

So I’m flipping through and guess what movie is about the start? Magic Mike. Now this was something that I thought would be kinda fun to see with a couple of girlfriends but not something I was just dying to see. Let’s be honest – no one is watching this movie for the plot. But it was a “see it now or never” kinda deal because there is no way the husband would watch that with me. So I decided to seize the opportunity and see what all the fuss was about. But I did feel kinda weird watching it alone. Like seedy old man talking to little girls weird.

2. I Don’t Like Men Gyrating, Nearly Naked Or Not: So I was able to determine that I’m not a fan of male strippers. There’s just something really unattractive to me about seeing guys in sparkly thongs prance around and pretend to pole dance. Ugh. Just no.

Sorry Channing Tatum, I know you’re supposed to be super hot but there was nothing sexy about you in that movie. And now,  you may be ruined forever because I’m just not sure I can ever get over the image of you humping the floor.

I can't unsee this...

3. My Father’s Day Present Was A Fail: You may remember my agonizing decision about a Father’s Day gift. I had planned to buy tickets to the Red River Rivalry. One of the best games every season – the atmosphere of that game is something every Sooner fan should experience. There’s nothing like it - it’s amazing!




I was about to buy the tickets when I was hit with another wave of fear – how is he going to feel about this? So, I decided I would do a trial run and see how that went. I didn’t actually pay for anything but I printed the confirmation so it looked like it had been paid for. I decided if he was okay then I could pay for them and we’d be good and if he wasn’t happy then I hadn’t lost anything.



Well, it was really really good that I hadn’t paid for them because the first thing he said was “You paid this much for tickets?” And they were expensive – we’ve gone before and found cheaper tickets – but they were the cheapest I could find this far in advance. So I explained that he was always doing big surprises for me and that I wanted to do the same for him and while he was appreciative, it bothered him to not be involved in the decision.

And the thing is, I knew it would. Because the way he grew up, he has this underlying fear of not having enough money and he only feels comfortable financially when he’s got control. And I don't mean control in the bad sense - I mean he feels secure when he's overseeing the budget. And so for me to make a purchase like this, it's outside his comfort zone.

So I was a little bummed that he didn’t like his gift (or the idea of his gift) but more bummed that I completely ignored who he was. Talk about fail!

4. I Suck At Parenthood: Sometimes I’m a great Mom. And sometimes I really suck. Like when I wake up to “The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night!” My heart seriously sank. How? How did I forget that?

 There are a few basic principles of good parenting – keep them safe, keep them watered & fed, teach them about God, say I love you every day, introduce them to your favorite sports teams, and make sure they believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. That’s it – that’s all a kid needs to have a good childhood. Well, that and an occasional ice cream cone. But somehow, I can’t even manage to meet the minimum requirements.

We reasoned that since the tooth came out right before bed, M was put on the bottom of the list and since she has woke up so early (6 something) the Fairy was not done making her rounds. Dad rushed her to the bathroom and I went into ninja mode - run downstairs, grab money, run upstairs, grab tooth, shove money underneath pillow, run to back to bed - in under 60 seconds.

She came back upstairs and wanted to show me what a bad job the tooth fairy had done “Really Mom. My tooth is still there. She never took it!” So she dragged me out of bed to show me and surprise! The Tooth Fairy had finally caught up. Thank goodness for a save because I'm not sure I could have survived a disappointment like that.

Life's A Trip

Took a little road trip to Tulsa this past weekend. Decided to take the Hardrock Hotel & Casino up on their offer of a free room. Because who doesn’t like free? This is the third time I’ve gotten a free room from them so I must really be rockin those penny slot machines! My hubby is jealous that I keep getting all the free stuff when I’ve only been three times (2 of those were free) and I don’t spend very much money when I go. I can’t help it if I’m just lucky like that…

I also think that’s exactly why I keep getting rooms – I don’t spend enough money and they want to suck me in. Let them keep trying - I’ll enjoy the free rooms and continue to play with pennies. Win for me!

No roadtrip is complete without junk food!

90% of my trip was spent like this, tending to the childrens

On our way we made a detour to Eufaula to meet a contractor. That’s something we haven’t had very good luck with – good, reliable contractors. I think they know it’s hard for people like us, who don’t live near the area, to really stay on top of their work and it’s easy for them to do shoddy work because no one is around to check it. And once the job’s done – well, good luck getting them to come out again to fix it.

So the guy we met was outrageously overpriced and I was a little bit irritated that we had to meet him in the first place. Just give us a quote over the phone, like everyone else. Which I’m sure it was a tactic to size us up and see what we’d be willing to pay – which was definitely not what he was asking. I don’t know what made him think we had the kind of money he wanted. Dude, we’re driving a plain little car, have two kids in daycare and shop at Ross – how much free money do you think we have?

Our property is lakefront but nothing is really lakefront – the Corp of Engineers owns all the land that actually meets the lake. So there’s a little distance between where our land sits and our boat dock. It’s sloped land too, so you can’t actually see the dock from our land – you have to walk down to it. Since we’ve had so much rain, the lake is really up so we decided to check on the dock.

I was walking behind my husband – this is a safety strategy I adopted shortly after buying the land, I always let him go first because he could tolerate a snake bite better than I could - when he laughs and says “Well, the docks still there.” And I laughed too because it was funny to think it wouldn’t be. But then two steps later he says “Our walkway is gone.”

What?! WHAT?! And I run up to look for myself – like I’m gonna see something he didn’t. And it was gone. There are only two options to what happened – it was stolen by someone that knew we didn’t frequent the land or use the dock or it was so poorly constructed that when the lake came up it was pushed, crumpled and pulled off the land and sank. It was poorly constructed. We’d actually gotten quotes to fix it. Which makes it even more painful because we know exactly how much it’s going to cost.

Something kinda important is missing...

It wasn’t exactly what we wanted to find, but what can you do? So we just let it go and rolled on. We took the girls down to the pool once we got there and I started a water gun fight, although I totally got blasted. There’s just something super fun about ganging up on Mom. Especially when she gives strict instructions to not hit her in the face. Silly me, I didn’t know that direction actually translated to “My face is your number one target, ignore every other area of my body and just go for the face.” And that’s got to be the best spot because then you get to watch her makeup run down her face. And who doesn’t love that?

Isn't that lovely?

The next day we visited the Oklahoma Aquarium. It was pretty good – we got to see a lot of fish and watched the sharks being fed.

Did someone say shark?!?

I have to admit though, it really didn’t compare to the Texas State Aquarium. Of course, if I had my pick between having the best Aquarium or having the best football team…let Texas have the Aquarium!