Done

For the first time in a very long time, I woke up dreading work.

I've had mornings that I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep and days that I wanted to stay home to be lazy but today it was more than that. Today, I actually dreaded coming to work. Because of the work.

I don't know if I'm just burnt out or what. But I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to find joy in what I do.  And that's weird for me because I've always found so much joy in it.

But now, I don't know. I just feel like why am I here? What's the point?

Sometimes it's really challenging to watch people make mistakes. Mistakes that could be avoided. And it's frustrating to because I can't help anybody if they aren't willing to help themself.  I can only do so much. And I used to always feel like if I could help just one person, make even the smallest difference then it was worth it.  But I'm not feeling that way right now.

I'm fighting this upward battle at a place that doesn't really support our program. OMG, she did not just go there?  Yes...yes, I did.  I know it's not PC (or even really smart) to diss your employer but it's the truth. Our program is undervalued, unrecognized and totally unappreciated. And it isn't even about me - I don't need accolades or pats on the back. But I do need our program to be supported.

And that fact that we have a grant competition just months away and I'm the only one trying to fight for our refunding - well, it's more than a little demotivating. I'm like seriously? All I hear about is "retention and graduation" and here's a program that has proven successful and you aren't willing to do whatever you can to keep that program? What kind of sense does that make? You really think our program isn't worth the investment?

I can't shut up and just roll over either. It's my job and my obligation to advocate for this program. Even after I'm interrupted and told to "put it in writing", which I'm pretty sure was code for shut up, I just kept right on...I wanted everyone in that meeting to hear and understand what was going on. I'm not going to walk away quietly.

I feel like they think I'm fighting so hard because I'm scared of losing my job. I just want to shout that it isn't about that - it's about the students that need these services! I've got plans, I'm going to be okay.  Even if I wasn't planning to stay home - I've got degrees, I've got credentials. It's not about job security! It's about impacting students and helping them be successful!

Isn't that worth something? Isn't that what we should value in higher education? Creating opportunities for learning, personal development and growth?  Because if it isn't...then why am I here?  What am I doing each day?

And you know what?  I can't answer that.

Blow

Ever wonder what you would look like after blowing insulation into an attic?



 

 

Never?  Not even once?

 

 

Yeah. Me neither.

 

 

But I got to find out this weekend.

 

 

And it aint pretty...



 

 

 

 

This picture does not do it justice either. I'm talking dust/dirt/insulation everywhere.

Yeah,  not a fan of the whole insulation thing, just so you know...

Countdown Begins

Breaking news: Amber Mitchell has committed to the University of Homelife.

We've tossed around the idea of me quiting my job and staying at home for a while. And while I've been leaning in that direction and we've been moving towards that - it's now officially official. 

It's a weird feeling to completely change the whole direction of your life.  Even though we've been talking about it for over a year, it's always seemed kinda abstract and remote to me. It seemed so far-off into the future and not really concrete. I think just because it will be so completely different and new for me.

I realized today how little time I actually have left before this next phase.  My plan is to depart at the end of our grant cycle.  If our program doesn't get refunded, I will gracefully exit as the curtain closes.  If we get refunded, I'll take a bow and let someone new step into the role. Either way, that's my scheduled departure.

Having that date, having a timeline - it really solidifies it. It hit me today when I realized I only have about 21 months left. That sounds like a lot until you break it down by events - one last national and regional conference, one more Christmas break, and roughly three semesters left.

Three semesters? That's it?!?  It's going to fly by.

I had a conversation about it with friends - they were asking if I thought I would be happy staying at home. Honestly, I don't know. I've never done it. I've worked since the week I turned 16 and have worked ever since. I don't know what's it like to not have a job.

Am I scared about getting bored? I'm scared to death.

Of a lot of things - Will I get lazy? Will I be fulfilled? Will I feel out of the loop and disconnected?

But at the end of the day, I have to ask myself - who matters the most and who's getting cheated?

I can tell myself that I can balance work and family but honestly that scale is never even. At least not for me.  The reality is that I have obligations that sometimes force me into making choices. And my kids don't always win.

I think for me, as a Mom, what I want most is to be present for my children - fully present.  I don't know if I can do that in the time we get together. I have them 2.5 hours each evening and weekends and I'm tired of sharing custody with the daycare. How good am I at really engaging them when I've got dinner, homework, baths and putting them to bed? I'm so busy "doing" that I don't feel like I get to just enjoy them.

And I want to be devoted. I mean, I'm devoted now - devoted to loving them and caring for them. But I mean devoted in a way that my stomach doesn't sink because I think they may be sick and I have something important at work that I can't miss.

I'm not saying it's horrible that I'm a working mom. I don't think it makes me a bad mom and I don't think my children would be scarred if I worked forever...but I know with certainty that the best thing I can do for them is to give them my time and attention.  And if I'm able to give them more, I feel like I should.

When I think about it like that, the prospect of giving up a job I am passionate about, giving up my financial independence, and giving up a small part of my identity just seems so...minimal.

Before you think I'm trying to be this super mom, know that I'm doing this for me too. Because the fact is, I fulfill the duties of a SAHM right now but without any of the perks. And honestly, it just seems like it would be really nice to just focus on running the house. Because whether you stay at home or work outside the home - there's the same amount of laundry, cleaning and responsibility. Kudos to the women who have no problems managing all that - I applaud you. But I just don't do it that well.

For some, it's hard to understand why I would begin to stay at home when my kids are/will soon be school age. People have even asked me directly why now. Like, I'm not getting any extra time with them since they're in school all day. And I get it - it's not traditional. But the difference it will make for our family will allow the quality of our time together to improve.

Really though, if we would have been in the position, I would have stayed home from the very beginning. That's what I really always wanted.  But that wasn't an option at the time and this became our life. And I fully embraced it.

Now I'm ready to embrace something different...

Party of One

Can I just stay up all night to avoid having to go to work tomorrow?

Pleeease?

Because I don't waaannnaa go. *whiniest, most pathetic voice ever

It's not that I don't like my job...I just don't want to go to work.

It's almost worse for me that I get Christmas break off. It's just a mean teaser. Like sleeping in?  Like having extra time with the kiddos? Like having time for all those projects? You like that, huh? Good. Now get back to work!

I actually went back last week. Which at fist I thought was a little silly but now I kinda appreciate it. It was like a warm-up so that today wasn't such a shock.

Except that I think the entire semester is gonna suck. And I really just want to avoid it.

I'm sorry, it that too pessimistic?

My full-time person is on maternity leave and will be out most the semester.  So it's only me and two part-time tutors. Just the few days I've had at work have really made me realize just how challenging this is gonna be.  I seriously don't know how this is going to work...

I hired a work-study today. That should help. He's a nice kid but I'll have to completely train him. He's raw. Never had a job before. Ever. Yeah...that raw.

But he's dependable. He's in our lab every single day. And I'll take reliable over trained because it doesn't matter how experienced you are- if you don't show up, it helps me none.

Plus, I'm a sucker for giving people chances.

Now I just have to cross my fingers and hope that decision was a good one. And that I can stock up on enough Diet Dr. Pepper to get me through the next couple of months...

Get Rid Of The Wrinkles

I walked outside to get in the car this morning and my husband looked at me and said "Wow!"

That sounds like it might be a good thing, right?

No. It wasn't an exclamation of how good he thought I looked.  It was shock that I was wearing a dress when it's only 7 degrees outside. In retrospect, that may not have been the wisest decision I've ever made...as it is just a little chilly.

I do have on boots and stockings on so it's not like I'm running around with bare legs.

Yet.

It's about to happen though because I have a terrible case of baggy knee. Yes, the oh-so-attractive look of wrinkly hose. 

I'm not sure when or how it happened but I stood up and I felt some bunching around my knees and I looked down to find this...

What?!? Ewww. No!

So goodbye granny knee, hello cold!

Son Of A B*@#%

I got another freakin speeding ticket!

Yes, almost exactly a year after my last one! Are you kidding me?  Is this gonna be my new special way of welcoming in each new year? Because it totally sucks!

The easiest way to avoid all of that would be to just stop speeding but apparently, someone doesn't know how to watch her speed. And I only get pulled over when I'm not trying to speed.  The times when I'm balls to the walls flying somewhere because I'm late - nothin. Karma is a real bitch.

I had the girls with me, which totally sucked. They didn't really get scared but they were pretty wide-eyed. And then immediately after, every couple of minutes M would say "Are you speeding Mom?" really worried. And then we passed another cop. She was really worried about that. The best part, of course, was when we pulled up and Benny walked up to the car to greet us and she immediately flung her door open and shouted "Mommy got pulled over by a cop!"

And I cried after he handed me the ticket. Never in my life have I done that. And I've gotten a lot of tickets in my lifetime. Seriously, I think there were a few consecutive years in my early twenties that I got about two a year. And never any water-works. I don't why today, guess feeling especially irresponsible.

M  told me I could use the money in her piggy bank to pay for the ticket. She's seriously such a sweet kid.  And as I was helping  M2 out of the car she looked up at me and said, very seriously, "Mommy, I'm sorry the PoPo gave you a ticket."  I have no idea where that came from but I'm sure her police officer uncle will appreciate that one.  At least it had me laughing...

Christmas Cleanup

And as quickly as it came, it has gone...

There is nothing left of Christmas in my house. At all. It has all been taken down, packed up and put away.  Hooray for me!

Not hooray Christmas is gone, because I love Christmas, but hooray I got it done.

This is only significant because one year I let Christmas and Valentines Day intermingle. I had gotten overly ambitious while decorating and had wrapped the entire staircase in garland and bows. It was a really rustic staircase and the decorations looked terrific.

The staircase had a real "cabiny" feel. Totally not my style but I really liked it.  It was a completely weird set-up though, the stairs came down the side of the living room about four feet from the fireplace, so it cut off putting any furniture on that entire wall or in front of the fireplace.  It was such an awkward living room design, like the architect had given no thought that someone might actually need to put a couch in there somewhere. But the master bedroom was HUGE, bigger than the living room, so that cancelled out the bad living room space.

We bought that house practically unseen. It was a HUD sale that was closing the very night we found it. We met our realtor after work and she showed it to us by flashlight. We stumbled through the house in the dark, trying to figure out what room was what...Even though we really couldn't see the house, we decided that we could fix anything we didn't like.  And it was almost twice the size of our first house.

So we bid. And won.

Then we had this house with this space we didn't really need. And two rooms upstairs that went largely unoccupied. And a staircase that mainly doubled as a chair, because the majority of the time when I was on the stairs it was only to sit on the bottom two steps. So that year, when I took down all the Christmas stuff I just kinda overlooked the stairs.

Then lost motivation to do it.

And then it became a matter of stubbornness because I can be kinda crummy that way.  It bothered my husband enough that he would mention it to me but not enough that he would take it down. His philosophy was that I put it out, I should put it up. And I agree with that-it sucks to clean up after people. But that stubborn side of me took over and I thought, if you want it done, then do it!

And I do generally try to practice that philosophy. Except when it comes to power tools. Those I avoid... minus the time my husband was out of town and I needed something cut. I grabbed his saw and came dangerously close to splitting the back of our couch open. And losing a foot.

I also try to practice the philosophy of learning from past foolishness. So there is nothing left of Christmas in my house. At all. It has all been taken down, packed up and put away.

Hooray for me!