A Double

Today was the second day that I overslept. Well, actually, this morning it was not really oversleeping -it was me deciding that my head hurt too bad to workout. I had a horrible headache, which is weird because I never get headaches.  It was killer.


Anyway, good news is that even though I missed my morning workouts I got both workouts in at night. That was a small miracle and not an easy feat. But I managed to stay on track so I'm super pumped about that.


I know I need to step it up - I'm not doing nearly enough. But man, I feel like I can barely do what I'm doing now...I don't know how I could mange to extend my workout time.  I don't know, maybe start going to the gym on campus?  It's a thought...I don't usually go out for lunch, unless I get a lunch date.  So I usually eat at my desk and work. Or blog. But I could go to the gym instead and it would be a good break and would force me to get away...hummmm. I really think I might do that.  I'm suppose to have a lunch date tomorrow but maybe I'll try it next week and just see...it definitely couldn't hurt!


I'm off to bed early tonight. I cannot miss another morning workout. I've managed to squeeze in two evening workouts but I'm not pushing my luck...

I Want You

to want me.  I need you to need me.  I'd love you to love me.  I'm beggin you to beg me.


And I'm beggin for a different song since that's stuck in my head. Not that I don't love it - it's a sort of theme song for my life...


I overslept today. Woke up at 5:45 - right when I am usually finishing up my workout. Grrrrr. It wouldn't have been a big deal except I took yesterday as my day off. So I've got to fit it in tonight. That should be extra interesting since Morgan has a dance class tonight. But I am determined, I'm not messing around. I am going to do this.  Even if my body doesn't change, even if I don't lose a pound - I need to do it just to be healthy.


Plus it makes me feel strong and sexy - like I can kick ass. And that's always a good feeling...

I've Lost My Mind

Literally. I have. I don't know how but it has happened. 


Driving home today I look down at the speedometer and I wonder why we are going so slow. Then I start to get aggravated.  Okay people, we're in the fast lane, let's go fast!  Really? This is ridiculous! And then, out of nowhere it dawns on me. I'm not in the fast lane. I'm in the far right lane. The slow lane. And I have been the whole time.  How? How does that happen? Definitely a wow moment.


I'm chalking it up to distractions/stress and not the fact that I'm just turning into a ditz. Ugh, please, don't let that happen.  In my defense, I do have a lot on my mind. A lot. I'm dealing with budget stuff and quite honestly it's got me freaked out.  I don't know why...I guess just the magnitude of the responsibility. And I'm still finding my balance. In the beginning I was overly cautious and didn't want to spend anything, I was so worried about making the money last.  Now, I'm worried that I've been too frugal.  


And that is SO annoying. I hate second guessing myself. I'm used to being confident in my decisions so I don't know what this is all about. One day I feel like I got this and the next I'm all what the hell am I doing?


But I've always been an extremist - I'm all the way in or all the way out. If I'm into it, I'm really into it.  And I think that the eat it up, all consuming, hungry enthusiasm can be good sometimes.   It can also be challenging, and challenging for those around me. I'm like a tidal wave - I can swallow people whole.  It's not a ride that everyone enjoys...


I'm off to catch up on emails and address a few other work things....so maybe tomorrow I'll know which lane I'm driving in.

Missing someone

Ever notice how you miss someone even more after you talk a bit? I heard from a dear friend the other day and it really made me miss him. He called to say hello and we ended up talking for an hour. It started out as catching up and then we got into serious territory. It made me miss his friendship. He's a friend who will tell it like he sees it, someone who is always honest with me. I value that so much - you can't have a real relationship if you can't talk openly, even if it is painful and awkward at times. So I miss him, I miss our conversations, I miss that fact that he genuinely cares enough about me to be...real.  And I miss his famous smoked ribs too.


It's official - we are moved! And I am worn out. I had two good workouts this weekend, another this morning and then spent the day moving, pushing, and pulling furniture. Bonus workout for me!  Really, I should have gotten the guys from Physical Plant to move us but I wanted to get it done - it doesn't make sense to wait around for someone to do what I can do myself.  That's a silly mentality to me - I like to at least try and do things for myself. 


And I usually can and do - except when it comes to spiders, those I do not do.

Don't Look Ethel!

I got my first and probably last full body massage today.


It was part of a fun girls day - we had lunch and then off to get relaxed. Sounded perfect!  Except when they called my name to go back, I walk up and there waiting for me is a guy. I don't know why the thought never crossed my mind that I might have a male masseuse, but it didn't. Now, I'm not what I would consider to be a prude person but all I can think is Oh my God. He's going to be rubbing me.


So I undress as quickly as I can and jump under the sheets.  Like getting in fast is going to make me feel better about being in my underwear around a perfect stranger...He comes in and walks to the side and then stops short and tells me that I need to remove my bra. Oh.My.God. What?! Yes, it needs to be removed so he can rub my back properly. So I remove the bra, but I don't want to get up because I'm naked and I am scared to death he's going to come in and see me. So I decide it will be safer to stay under the sheet and toss it on top of my clothes. And I think about Milgram's study on obedience and wonder why I didn't just tell him I was keeping it on.


So I'm on the bed with nothing on except panties, covered by the thinnest sheet in the world. More like gauze, really. And I am mortified.  He comes in, starts rubbing my face and I start thinking about that bra that's just laying out in plain view. Why didn't I just get up and tuck it under my shirt?


And he tells me that he's going to have to call me something besides Amber because that is his ex girlfriend's name and it makes his heart hurt when he hears it because she was the love of his life. That makes me feel right at ease. Then he asked if I was married.  Perfectly legitimate question - pretty standard small talk. Except I'm NAKED! And I don't know... if I'm not wearing any clothes and your hands are on my body when you ask me that it kinda changes the question.


So he's rubbing, rubbing, rubbing and my eyes are squeezed shut because I just can't look at him - it is just too embarrassing. Then it is time to roll over. So I take a deep breath and roll as fast as I can while holding the sheet tissue around me. And I'm feeling a little bit better because I know it's halfway over.  And just as I think it's okay, he pulls down the sheet to rub my back and tucks the sheet... Into. My. Panties. Except what I am wearing was not designed to have anything tucked into it and certainly not designed to be shared with a masseuse.


Then he asks me if I'm Mexican. I get that a lot. So I say no, I'm Lebanese. And he gets very excited, because he's from Egypt. And according to him, the Lebanese and Egyptians share a special connection. Well, I wasn't feeling any kind of connection - Egyptian or not. All I was feeling was that this was the longest hour EVER.


I know women do this all the time, on a regular basis with no problem. But I just can't. It's too awkward and uncomfortable...maybe I am prude. How would I know if I was? Do prude people recognize that they're prude? Is there some kind of prude assessment? Huuuuum, I'm gonna have to google that...

I Love Surprises

Today was my Friday and it was a great day! Super productive -got a lot done and a lot of things planned and on the agenda for next week. Getting organized for our August back to school , paperwork together for a conference in September, budget updated, brochures designed for a conference in November, and planning for our end of the year in December.  The year will be over before you know it and we are ready! I love marking things off my list!  The only thing that could have made the day better was if someone had surprised me with a cupcake. Oh wait, they did! A huge, giant, delicious cupcake. I only had half but I was so glad I ran this morning - really, the icing was about 2 inches thick. Sooooooo good!


Going to spend the rest of the night making preparations for M's birthday. I cannot believe she will be 5 next month! And I feel so behind - I usually have things planned by now. I write her a birthday poem invitation every year, which I haven't started.  I always try to personalize it to reflect the things she likes and the different phases from each year. This year may be a little bit challenging....how many different ways can I say she loves and wants to marry Nikolas? 

Done

Almost died on the treadmill today. Wanted to give up and stop running so bad...instead, I just said a few choice cuss words to myself and kept my legs moving and then, mercifully, it was over. That's the beauty of cardio...I'm just so happy to have survived it that I kinda forget how hard it is and always feel good afterwards.


Cardio and abs off my list - another day down...