Undone

Well folks, hate to be the bearer of bad news but it appears I'm not well. I mean, physically I'm fine...but otherwise, don't think I'm doing so great.  

Unless it's normal to break down and just crumple like a hot mess. It's not? You sure? Not even for those of us with a little...flair for the dramatic?

That's what I was afraid of.  Weeell, this is no good.

I kinda knew I had reached a point of concern when I walked out of my office yesterday in tears. I actually made it to my car before any fell, which required an impressive amount of restraint. I was doing that weird trying-not-to-cry face. That's not a face anyone can pull off - I don't care how cute you are, it's ugly. I had just opened the door to walk out to the parking lot when it hit me all the sudden I knew I was about to cry. My first thought was " Oh. My. God. Get your shit together!" Sorry about the language, my inner dialogue has a mouth like a sailor. My second thought was "Ugh, now I'm gonna make the face."

I can't tell you specifically what brought me to the point of tears because honestly, it wasn't one specific thing. And it's not even the crying really. Because I'm a crier. Sad movie, sad story, or anything emotional and the tears are on...but generally it's caused by my ability to empathize. And not just because I'm an emotional mess.

And I don't know why - I'm not sure what's happened to me. I can usually cope with stress, with issues, with whatever...but it's like I’ve suddenly lost that ability.  And I'm wondering what the heck is wrong with me because I don't like it, don't like it at all.

Even at conference – I found myself feeling territorial, bitchy, jealous. And that’s not me, at all. Well, maybe the bitchy part. Just a little. But I behaved badly over something stupid and was totally rude to someone that completely didn't deserve it. That's out of character for me as I usually reserve my rudeness for jerks and idiots. But really,  I usually try to handle myself better than that, not matter how I feel. And I still feel guilty for it. 

I thought then that it was probably hormones. Wait, I’m not pulling the whole female card as an excuse–I’m not, hear me out. My schedule is like clockwork  - to the day. But I got paranoid that things were going to happen early. Start at conference? Uh, I don’t think so. So I downed a couple of birth control pills. Take that biological system! In my 38 years on earth, I haven’t learned how to manipulate people but I sure as hell know how to manipulate a menstrual cycle.

I’m not normally on the pill, so when I acted out and couldn't deal with things I chalked it up to the synthetic hormones I had dumped into my body. I figured my system was on estrogen overload. But it’s apparent that’s not it. Somehow, I’ve just come undone.

And I got some upsetting news while I was at conference. Nothing that I didn't expect, but still hard to hear. And it surprised me that I could be surprised by something that, really, I already knew. I'm not sure if that speaks more to my abilities at denial or to my optimism.

Either way, it means that I'm probably going to end up writing our grant. I'm not experienced or qualified - what I am is scared to death. It's a huge responsibility.  I would feel responsible either way, but if I'm actually writing it - it changes everything. If we aren't funded,  I will forever wonder if (and believe) we could have made it if someone else has written. I just don't know if I can do it. And I may not get/have to - we're still playing politics. Fun, fun.

And it's funny that people on the outside feel such confidence in me - like I just want to scream "You're wrong - I'm not as capable as you think!"- because the reality is that I'm not. Here I am, failing in so many ways, and people are coming to me for answers, coming to me for the fix.  Look, I don't know how to tell you this people, but you are in serious trouble if you're looking to me for answers.

So I'm going to take a minute to wrap myself back up and get myself back. This emotional, soppy mess stuff is for the birds...

El Presidenta

We had a cheer meeting last Friday. To show you just what a good cheer Mom I am, I actually didn't even know we had a meeting. What I did know was that someone in our squad had arranged to have a bake sale/garage sale and that I was going to be out of town during it. I missed competition and now the sale? I could just imagine how that was going to go over.

So my plan was to run by the store, grab some brownies or something and drop them off somewhere. I don't look like a completely bad Mom, they've got goodies to sale and all is well. So I sent a quick text on the way home asking where to drop off.

That's when I got the "You can bring them to our meeting tonight." Meeting? What meeting? Oh. I missed that text.

Meeting in 30 minutes and I haven't even made it home yet? Perfect.

That's when I also learned that one Mom had made 4 banana breads, 6 pumpkin breads, 6 cakes, 6 pies, 60 muffins, 72 cupcakes and TWO HUNDRED cookies. TWO. HUNDRED. FREAKIN. COOKIES.

And my idea of picking up some store bought brownies slowly deflates and crumples like an old balloon.

What? Is this Mom trying to start her own bakery or something? Seriously? Two hundred cookies? She totally broke Mom Commandment #5: Thou Shalt Not Be Such An Overachiever That It Puts Other Mothers To Shame. That one, it's an important one.

Crap.

Now I have just enough time to change and hopefully find something for the garage sale. Because I am sure as hell not showing up with some day-old brownies from Homeland. And I have nothing. Nothing for the garage sale. Well, actually - I have a ton of junk I could donate. What I don't have is the time to go through and dig any of it out. You know, because I was kinda banking on the whole brownie thing...

So as I'm changing I look over and see some of my old purses hanging in the closet. And there are some cute purses...I debate for maybe half a second and then grab them and just go. If I think about it, I may change my mind.

At the meeting we learn that the cheer association has decided that all funds that we raise as a squad will go towards paying for the 5th and 6th grade competitions - because our squad has sought out and secured sponsorship and because those squads aren't interested in finding sponsors or fundraising. And apparently, it's unfair if we work to raise money and don't share. Interestingly, the President of the association is also the 6th grade coach.

You can imagine how I felt about that. I have no problem contributing to a community fund, if everyone is working to contribute. But you're not just gonna sit back, do nothing and reap the benefits of the work our squad has done. Because, you know, it was SO hard to grab those purses...But it's the principle - that's wrong.  And when I think something is wrong, I just can't let it go.

So I didn't. And I ended up walking away as the President of our newly formed parents association. I'm not sure how that happened. I tried to respectfully decline several times. Because sometimes people confuse loudness with leadership. Yes, I'm vocal and opinionated but it by no means makes me a leader. It just makes me...loud and opinionated.

And don't think for a second that the irony of the "disengaged" Mom end up "leading" the association was lost on me. People, I was the one that was going to buy brownies, remember???

I give it two weeks before they change their minds. In the meantime, I've got to get to work on my baking skills. Mom Commandment #6: When Another Mother Puts Ye To Shame, Thou Shall Work Thou Ass Off To Get Better.

Wildcard Weekend

I'm such a brat.

We're off for our annual friends weekend at the casino. I know it will be super fun but I am worn out and just feel like vegging around today. Can't I just stay in my pjs and watch Law & Order all day? And I totally could- I love Law & Order. The older ones especially- SVU and Criminal Intent are okay. I mean, I would still watch them but they're not as good.

See, here the hubby's trying to wisk me away for a weekend of fun and I'm just ungrateful and blah.

What a brat.

 I'm sure by the time we get there and I've downed my daily consumption of caffeine I'll be ready to go and into it.

We always go with our two couple friends and then meet up with the boy's business acquaintances- the ridiculously rich ones who will probably never really understand the value of what they have. One of them presented the hubby with a job opportunity.  It would mean a lot of money and a move to Arkansas.

Hubby wasn't interested.  It's not as stable as what we have now and he wasn't interested in moving.  And I think he's at a point that he's not interested in beginning a new career.

Thank goodness because I just can't see myse myself rooting for the Hogs. ..

Back To Life

Just returned from conference.  It's always great to learn new things, get re-motivated and spend time around some of my favorite people. It's weird - when I'm at conference it almost seems like reality is suspended, like I'm in a totally different world. I think because there's just one focus - conference.  For how many ever days, that's all there is to really think about and do. Not that I don't think about my family too, because I always do.

But it's just different. I'm removed from everything, there are no distractions and everything outside of conference just kinda waits until I get home. Most times I like this kinda of suspended reality. I enjoy it. But this time it was different - I just wanted to get back home to my life. Back to my family.

I learned a lot though. It was definitely eye opening.  I think sometimes we think we understand and we operate based on what we believe to be true.  Then, when we learn how wrong we are it can be shocking.  Humiliating. How did I get it so wrong?

Talk about feeling stupid.

But better to know.  At least once you learn what you need to learn you have that as some sort of...solace. Okay, my bad for being a stupid, ignorant fool but now I know better and I won't make the mistake again. There's some comfort in that, right?

So yeah, I was ready to come home.  Of course, it took me forever to actually get home. But I finally made it and I'm taking today to just enjoy being home, spending time with the people I love.

Tomorrow I will got to work and channel the enthusiasm and motivation from conference into being a better professional, a stronger Director and more passionate advocate. But for today, I'm simply a mother who is spending the day grateful to be surrounded by my loves.

Radio Head

I flipped on the radio yesterday, half listening to the music, thinking about the day and all the things I need to do tomorrow when the dj came on and I had a sudden flash of déjà vu.  Not from something particular he said, just the voice because it’s one I used to know well.

I was at a friend’s apartment, hanging out and killing time. Because that’s what you do when you’re young. And I don’t remember if we actually had the radio on or what…but one of the radio stations used to have some kind of program where you could call in and there was a psychic or horoscope…I can’t remember which.  I think it was horoscope because I really used to be into that. Not like the this is what will happen to you today kind of horoscopes, but zodiac signs. And it isn’t like I believed “in” it but I found it interesting and sometimes surprisingly accurate.  And I’m a Libra and yep, I pretty much fit the description.

I go to her bedroom, sprawl out on her bed and call in to the radio station. Now, I’m a naturally lucky person but I’m really lucky when it comes to the radio.  So I wasn’t shocked when my call actually went through. So the dj answers and I blurt out something like “I’m born in October, I’m a Libra!” or something like that. I just remember that I just jumped right in, like I always do. No hello or anything – just bam!

And there was this long pause. Super long. Just dead silence. So I thought maybe he didn't hear me. So I said it again. And there was another pause. This one not so long. Followed by a laugh as he tells me I called the wrong radio station. That program was on the OTHER station, their competition.

I don’t remember what I said but I know I laughed because who makes that kind of mistake? Plus it’s my default setting. Embarrassed? Laugh. Nervous? Laugh. Happy? Laugh. Frustrated? Scowl, cuss and then laugh.

And then the conversation just continued.  He put me hold when he went on air but we talked for at least three hours. I don’t even know what about. Anything and everything. And we kept talking. Every single night for the next couple of weeks. It was the coolest thing -  he stopped putting me on hold and would tell me to hold on real quick, and then I would hear him say something – live into his mic - and then right back to the conversation like no big deal.  I was SO tempted to make a sound, to say something while he was live, just because I knew I couldn't.

So we talked for over a month before we decided to meet. We had these very deep, very philosophical and very interesting conversations. It was so strange because we had this relationship. Not necessarily romantic – because I can’t really say it was – but we had some kind of connection, even though we had never met. So he asked me out to dinner and I accepted.

The thing is, knowing someone before you meet them is hard. Really hard. Because you kind of make them up in your head. And then may or may not be disappointed when you do actually meet them. And I was – there was zero chemistry. None. No attraction whatsoever.  And I realized he felt the same the moment he whipped out an old photo album (remember when we used to actually print pictures?) and showed me his ex-girlfriend. The 6 foot tall, pencil thin, blonde ex-girlfriend.  And if there is anything a guy can do to tell you he’s not attracted to you, it’s to tell you he is attracted to someone that is the exact opposite of you.

And it quickly fizzled out after that. Years later I ran into him at a bar – he was doing some promotional work for the station. He actually remembered me, which surprised me – in a good way. It also confirmed no chemistry and how important chemistry really is…

From The Mouths Of Babes

I took M2 shopping with me tonight.

Yes, an actual night off cheer. Not on off night for cheer but an off night for me - hubby filled in. That was really nice because I've been doing it on my own. Which is partly why I am so bummed by the increase in practice days - because I've been (and will be for a while) playing the part of married single Mom. Not that he isn't willing to help, but he's been busy with a new house. And it's a doozie.

Normally, I try not to see them before they are renovated. Or at least in some stage of renovation. Because it just kinda stresses me out. Even though I really don't have to do anything, just seeing how much work needs to be done scares me.  Take a look at this and you'll totally understand what I mean.

It needs a little TLC but it's not too bad, right?
But wait - there's more!

And that is by no means the worse house we've bought. In fact, on a scale of 1-10 of bad shape homes it's probably about a 6. And that's because it's sagging in the middle. Because who doesn't like a house that's caving in?

So we've both figured out that it works best if I just don't see them. And honestly, the whole investment property business is really his thing - I just kind of show up when I need to. Literally. At the closing I was just signing documents without even reading them. Not because I don't care but because he handles all that - he negotiates closing cost, fees and reviews everything and I know he's got us covered.  We've worked with the same realtor and lender for years so they're used to us and know how we operate but there was a new person at this last closing and she was visibly shocked to discover that I had never even seen the house. But trust me, if I saw them before they were bought, we probably wouldn't be buying them at all.

So husband offered to do cheer duty tonight and there was no way I was passing that up. I used the time do a little shopping with M2. As I'm taking off my clothes she says "Those are pretty Mom." - referring to my undergarments.  And just as I'm thinking awww, how sweet, she looks me up and down and says, really kinda sassy-like, complete with head bob "Girl, you need to go on a diet."

Yes. From my 5 year old.

Now, I'm certain, from the way she said it, that she was simply mimicking something she heard. Because she doesn't normally address me as "girl". Or tell me to diet.

So I said, "A diet? Why would I go on a diet?"  And really, that was my mistake because you should never, ever ask a question you don't really want answered.

"Because you're fat!"

Thank you child, for shredding every bit of my self esteem.

But of course, I'm shaping young minds here so I responded with "I'm not fat!  I love my body!" Which is mostly true.  Okay, "love" may be a little strong but...I don't hate it.

"Cause your belly-it's big!"

And with that, the clothes went back on and I promptly ended that little shopping trip.

Cheer Not

Let me preface this by saying that if you haven't already discovered that I'm critical and judgmental then this must be your first time reading my blog.  And if you're returning then I'm gonna make the assumption that you simply choose to ignore and/or forgive that little fact. And that you'll also be  prepared for the judginess I have going on below...

I am cheered out.

I spend cheer practices walking around the track.  The other moms sit in clusters and chat but I've never joined them. I know it makes me look snobby or unfriendly or antisocial but I don't care - I have no interest in any of that. Partly because I'm just not interested in making new friends.  I know that sounds bad, but I'm not. My life is full of people that I adore and value and I don't have enough time (or energy, really) to add any more.  My friendship cup is full.

So yeah, I get it doesn't have to be deep. We're talking cheer mom chats, not life-long confidants, right?  But that's the other part - I'm just not into that whole "cheer mom" mentality. In fact, it wears me out. The other day I made a classic mistake. This month all the squads wore pink bows in support of breast cancer awareness so during half-time I casually leaned over and asked one of the moms (who had made bows for us before) if she made the pink bows. I was really just making small talk. I thought she would say yes, I would tell her they looked great and that would be that.

No.

As soon as I asked, she pounced.  She immediately slid up two rows, sat right next to me and exclaimed NO! She didn't make those bows, those bows were horrible. She was embarrassed to wear them, blah, blah, blah, blah... And she kept looking at me all expectantly - waiting to see my outrage over the bad bows. Which looked identical to the bows she has made, by the way.   And the entire tirade was because some other mom made the bows. Yep, she was bent out of shape because another woman had the audacity to cut some ribbon and use a glue gun. When she said "I'm the bow maker of this squad!" I knew I was done. For good. 

I'm telling you - cheer moms are not like other sport moms. I get being into your kids activities, but this is a whole new level. I'm talking moms shelling out almost $50 for a "Cheer Mom" jacket...and it's 4th grade cheer! It just reeks of women desperate to find their identities through their kids. Hey, hey! Look at me!  I'm a CHEER MOM! Good for you, you gave birth and paid a fee to have your kid memorize a chant and jump around during touchdowns. Hooray for you!

And this is horrible but I also find one of the coaches extremely annoying too.  Every time I walk by and hear her squeaky little voice I say a little thank you that she isn't our coach. I may inadvertently roll my eyes too. The voice, the prancing, the bobbing ponytail - it's all too much. I mean, she's the kind of woman that wears bows in her hair - and not just to cheer practice. And I'm certain she has stuffed animals on her bed too.

Our coach, however, rocks. She is the total opposite -she's hardcore and intense and very serious. But she also thinks cheerleading is all that matters.  We started out with two practices a week - like all the other squads. We're giving up two nights a week and every Saturday, but that's part of it. We're committed to the team. Let's do this!  

Then she added an extra 45 minutes to each practice. Okay, so now practice is ending when M usually goes to bed. So now it's rush home, get fed and off to bed.  Oh, and homework. Somewhere in there we have to do that. But still…it’s doable. Gooo cheerleaders!   

Then she upped practice to three days a week.  An extra day of cheer? Okay, so things are going to get really crazy. How are we going to fit all this in? We can manage this. I think. Go team. 

Then last week we got informed that we were going to practice FOUR nights a week. FOUR NIGHTS A WEEK? For cheerleading!! Are you freakin kidding me? @*#% 


And I'm sorry if I sound bitter but I am.  I totally am. Because this throws our whole life into chaos. I mean, I know it's only an extra day but it's like slowly cheerleading has consumed our entire life. And the thought of not getting home until after 8 four days a week is exhausting.

Our coach is a SAHM and I don't think there was any consideration given to working Moms.  It's totally different for her, she can get all her stuff done during the day. Of course it doesn't matter to her that we're in practice all night. But I go from work to practice.  When am I suppose to find time to cook? Or help M with her homework? Or get anything done? This isn't what I signed up for!

Trust me, if I would have been told at the beginning it was 2 hours a night, 4 nights a week we would not have a cheerleader right now.  And now the squad is competing. What?! We didn't sign her up for a competitive cheer league - that was intentional. Because guess what?  That means more time and more money but mostly more time.

So yeah, I'm cheered out. And it's really unfortunate too because M is having the time of her life; she absolutely loves being on this squad.  Which means we'll probably be doing it again next year...

Selfie taken during practice. Can't see anything? Maybe because IT'S PITCH BLACK OUTSIDE.

Lights from the field. The girls are out there cheering. IN THE DARK.