Weak Week

Had a spotty week with workouts...Wednesday was my off day so I should have done cardio on Thursday but I overslept and didn't (of course) get it in that night. I got my strength training in on Friday which means today should have been cardio. Again, that didn't happen. It's so frustrating. I just feel like it's so hard to get it all in. And if I miss in the morning that usually means that there is no chance of making it up. Almost every night Benny is gone until at least 8 which means there is no parental relief and I can't run that close to eating dinner, or I have a mess to clean up or I'm just too exhausted. There is always something. And I honestly don't feel like I'm looking for excuses - I feel disappointed and frustrated.

We had Relay For Life last night. I couldn't stay the whole night like last year because two kids and a Mommy that has had zero sleep is not a good combination. My two sisters are such rock stars - they are amazing. They ran our team and planned, organized, and worked away on so many different aspects of the event. I am so proud of both of them. And they let me skim along on the team and never, ever made me feel bad that I didn't pull my weight. That's real love. It was a good event, always touching. Of course, it made me miss my Pawpaw so much...and it forces you to really think about the millions of people effected by cancer.

During the luminaria ceremony names of those who had passed were read. At first I was thinking that it's kinda weird that in the end that's what it comes down to - a name read off a list. But our lives are so much more than that. And when I heard my Pawpaw's name I immediately thought of his laugh and his smile...and it wasn't just his name, it was everything that he ever was to me. And it really was about a celebration of his life - a celebration of who he was. And I think that is what it's about - your life is really a summary of all the impressions you leave behind so that when your name is called it's these things that people see, these things people know about you.

When my name is read I hope to leave behind these things:
*That I loved big. And hard. And sometimes too much.
*That I lived big. And hard. And sometimes not enough.
*That I didn't take myself too seriously, that I was always the first to laugh at myself.
*That I wasn't afraid to embarrass myself or act silly - that I enjoyed laughter over pride.
*That I wasn't perfect.
*That I always tried to see the positive and make the best of everything.
*That I tried to make my life count.
*That I loved God.
*That family was everything for me.
*That the greatest love I ever felt developed the very day I saw the pink little lines on those tests.
*That the greatest honor I ever had in my life, without a doubt, would be getting the opportunity to serve as a steward over the lives of M and M2.

Jelly Belly

So it dawned on me that I've been forgetting to do abs! Yes, I really did forget. And no, I don't know how that happened. I'm suppose to do abs on my cardio days...I guess after my runs I was so focused on recovering (breathe, breathe, breathe - don't pass out) that I just overlooked it.

It is surprising given the fact that my stomach is the worst part of my body - it undeniably needs the most work. Two pregnancies, two c-sections and you can imagine how bad it is...

I have never had a six pack. I've never even had a flat stomach. At one point though I had this little pouch on my lower stomach that I thought was kind of cute and sexy...um, it isn't when it gets about 10 pounds bigger. Then it just becomes a gut. And there is nothing sexy about that! So NO MORE forgetting about abs for me!

Benny is doing a soup diet before vacation. It's one of those extreme diets that I don't do well on - you eat nothing but this soup broth for a week...he's going to try to do it for two weeks to drop some quick weight before we hit the beach. I'm considering doing it the week before we leave but I'm not sure...my problem with those kind of diets is that I always binge afterwards...I just have so much trouble with discipline.

Of course, if it helps with this jelly belly I might actually do it...

Really, That's All?

I did it - ran second track without changing the speed! I didn't quit, even though I wanted to. Quiting is for losers and I am not a quitter... I'm not a loser either...at least on most days.

Ugh, it was tough this morning. But I feel great now. Thank you to AC/DC for kicking in some tunes to get me going just when I needed it the most.

Bad news is that according to my treadmill I only burned 176 calories. I'm like really, that's it? That's like a single granola bar or something insane...I feel like I should have burned off enough for at least two pieces of pizza....

But man, I feel great!

Hummm...

I've been in a reflective and somber mood today. Not sure why. Maybe the weather? Whatever the reason, I have been thinking about old friends who have passed through my life...

It's weird to have friendships that fail. We don't typically think about the ending of friendships in the same way that we do the ending of a romantic relationship but in essence, it's exactly the same. Sometimes even more difficult.

We invite people in, ask them to share our lives, want to share in theirs...really, there's a lot of intimacy in that...and sometimes it kinda stinks when it ends. And so today these old friends were floating through my mind...

I had a Relay For Life meeting tonight. We have one night to fight back, honor those who have passed, and celebrate those that have survived. It's a night that I hope will make a difference, even a small one. We've got an amazing team - I have done very little to help but they have been so patient and understanding with me and I am thankful to be able to participate.

I love the event, love raising money for such a great cause. But man, it is so hard to think about all the people that have lost to cancer. It's overwhelming. And terrifying. Cancer is vicious. I look at my baby girls and thank God that they are healthy. I simply can't fathom the pain of watching my child fight something like this...When I got home I put M to bed and she asked me to rock her. She hasn't done that in at least two years, it was really random but completely perfect. I scooped up this 35 pound girl whose body is almost as long as mine and I rocked her - just grateful that I have another day to enjoy a healthy child.

To save this from being a completely solemn rambling I would also like to share that I did workout this morning. Strength training day. Those have become my favorites - it's beginning to feel like a day off. Last night I was like thank goodness tomorrow is weights...it's such a relief from cardio. I only like cardio once it's over.

And I will end with...

Bad Mommy Confession #1205: With the exception of new packages of markers and travel cups, the items for the girls Easter baskets were recycled from the Easter baskets my Mother-in-law made them last year. Yes, I gave my kids re-gifted Easter baskets.

Happy Easter!

I got my cardio in this morning. I had a great run, I bumped up to the next running track on my treadmill. I thought I was going to die, sweat pouring down my body, I couldn't breathe...but I must confess at the very peak I had to reach over and decrease the speed just a teeny tiny bit...but I really had to, I could not keep up. That's how out of shape I am! But it's also a good measure for me to track my progress because I won't allow myself to keep pushing that button. Next time I'm running it all the way through. Even if I do pass out.

As bonus I got to run before the girls woke up - and that was just a miracle. Benny is here this morning but still, I didn't want to run with them awake, I'm too scared M2 will come in and with my headphones on I wouldn't hear her and that would just be bad...plus, I really wanted to be there when they came in and saw their Easter baskets. So I got to run AND shower before M came downstairs. Bonus!

So I'm all high from the good workout and I go to throw something together for breakfast and what do we have? Ugh...cinnamon rolls! I know! It's like why did I even waste my time on the treadmill if I'm going to put what is equivalent to a piece of cake into my body? I have no excuses for that one - just a really poor choice.

After church headed to my sister's house for some fun Easter festivities. I enjoy my family so much...going to be a great day no matter what.

I am so thankful for all I have been given, so thankful to be deeply and wonderfully loved despite my flaws. Thank you Jesus for giving your life for mine - for carrying the burden of my sins and transgressions. I know that burden was a heavy one.

Happy Easter!

Goodbye My Friends...

So this evening Benny looked at me and said in a slightly horrified tone, "Man, your boobs are getting small."


Those are always the first to go. *Sigh.


I was suppose to do cardio today. That obviously did not happen. I did, however, manage to pop a thousand bite-size snickers into my mouth while preparing the Easter stuff. Actually, make that one thousand and one.


I'm taking solace in the fact that I'm allowed one day off a week. I had planned to take off tomorrow since it's Easter. And our church is having a special service...which means a longer service...which means an earlier start time. And that simply translates into madness in my house. We get out of the house every day by 6:45 but the weekends come and suddenly 10:30 seems like a challenge.


So I'm back on the treadmill tomorrow, no matter what. Now, if I could just figure out how to get those snickers to fill out my top instead of my hips I would be set...

I love Saturdays. I especially love this Saturday because I got to take a nap! I put M2 down, plopped M in front of the tv and went to bed. I was so tired I didn't even care that I was letting the tv babysit M - yes baby, watch cartoons as long as you can. Really, Mommy doesn't care today.


And I needed that nap because I woke up really really crabby. So M's happy because she got a lot of cartoon time and I'm happy that I got to sleep and M2's just happy in general. Nice.


I did make the mistake of telling M that we would dye Easter eggs today so about every 30 seconds she ask me if it's time yet. I should have kept my mouth shut about that one! It's like a little machine stuck on repeat...except this machine doesn't have an off button.


So off to dye eggs before I go crazy. Or decide to go back to bed.

Long & Winding Road

Had a really, really good day. It was good for my spirit. And I really needed it - my soul needed the nourishment.


The last 7 months have been such an adjustment for me - accepting a new job on an unfamiliar campus and trying to start a new program...it's just been a lot. I loved McNair - the structure and research aspect of that program were really suited to my personality. It was really hard to leave. I was ready for a new challenge and an opportunity for growth but I would have to say the biggest factor was the salary.


And from the very beginning that has bothered me. Mainly because I work in TRiO because I believe in the programs, believe they make a difference. I never started my career expecting to get rich - I knew pretty quickly it would probably be just the opposite. And to make a decision based primarily on money seems...I don't know...to go against what I believe - which is that ultimately, life is about making a difference and not earning a paycheck.


So I'm navigating my way into this new place - and I feel like I am starting from scratch. New people, new politics, new procedures. And I know NOTHING. NOTHING. And that kills me. I'm on this little island by myself and I am feeling lost and filled with regret and all I can think is "Did I just make a huge mistake - is the money really worth it?"


Seven months later I can say with certainty that no, the money is not worth it. It never has been and never will be.


What makes it worth it is knowing I can make a difference and have an impact in the life of even just one student. And I think that has been the hardest for me - the first few months were about building and growing, not impacting. It's a necessary part of it but difficult to accept. I need to see immediate results, I need to know each day that something I did was beneficial. And to have to wait for that...that's tough. I'm an immediate gratification kind of gal - I want it now and don't want to wait. Not my best characteristic but true.


But we're getting there. Every day our program gets better and I am beginning to see the differences our services make. I know it's crazy but I want to have the very best SSS program in Oklahoma. And I don't mean that in a vain way or to disrespect any other SSS program - I just want everything we do to be done so well...I want to knock it outta the park.


I can envision our program, I know where we need to be but I'm not sure how to get us there...and I think if I didn't care so much it would be so much easier. I could "do" my job and go home and not worry or plot or scrutinize every little thing...but I can't. This isn't just a job for me.


So today I had the opportunity to spend some time with a friend of mine who used to work in TRiO. I asked him if he missed it and it was interesting because I left the conversation and wondered if I would ever want to leave...it's so hard for me to imagine that.


I still have so much work ahead of me, we are nowhere close to what our program could be or should be. And I feel like each day is spent swimming against the current...but I don't feel as lost or as overwhelmed. More than anything right now I simply feel motivated.

Hit and Miss

Strength training today. Not the best workout I've ever had. No problems with the actual workout. I just kept having issues - glasses were falling down, wardrobe malfunctions, and I was so so sleepy! Makes it kind of hard to do pushups when your glasses are sliding off your face and lunges are taken to a different level when clothing won't stay in place...so not what I would consider a great workout. But I did it and it counts and that makes me happy.


I'm getting back into the early morning routine. I am so not a morning person! I really used to be - I could spring out of bed and be ready for the day before the sun came up. But that was a long, long time ago. Now I am a night owl who gets up early and it's a struggle. But I don't have a choice - evening workouts simply don't work for me. I have tried and tried and I just can't manage to fit them in. So early mornings it is!


I'm pretty sure I need to increase my strength training - I think I've peaked out. I've stopped doing the cardio that is on my workout program (P90) and traded that for my treadmill. The cardio just wasn't enough for me. When I run I always feel like I got a super great workout. That's because I usually feel sick when I'm done. But I like the feeling of thinking I can't run one more step, feeling like I am absolutely going to die and then pushing through. It's the not giving up part that is so good for me mentally. My treadmill has pre-programed running tracks - it's not just running - it's more like a stairstep system. The speed increases, decreases, increases, decreases. For me it's so much more difficult then just a straight run. But I've only done the first level. I'm almost scared to do the next one but I think I'm about ready. I'm going to stay with level I next week and then bump it up the week after.


We are going on vacation in a few weeks - the middle of May. I am SO excited. I'm not exactly sure where we are going. Benny has planned a surprise anniversary trip for us. He's so good at things like that - making sure that things are special for me...I do know, however, that we are going somewhere in Mexico - because we got passports and that was one of the questions. So...excited to be hanging out on the beach somewhere. But I would really, really like to tone up quite a bit before we go. Realistically I know this probably won't happen. There just really isn't enough time for any significant changes to happen with my body. Unless I do some extreme dieting and that's not gonna happen. I really don't do well with dieting in general - let alone anything extreme. But I have been going kind of crazy lately. I've had more chocolate in the last couple of weeks then I can remember...I'm not sure why...but that definately needs to stop! So even if I'm flabby I'm going to enjoy myself and enjoy the time with my husband. I hope it's an opportunity for us to reconnect and just enjoy each other. Sometimes I feel like we've gotten so caught up in life that we forget to do that...

The Meaning of Easter

Tonight at dinner I tried to explain to M why we celebrate Easter. It's so easy to get caught up in the materialism and commercialism...I want her to understand that the holidays we celebrate have deep meaning and significance. But she's four.


So we started with a conversation about Christmas and how that is when we celebrate Jesus' birthday. And then I told her that we celebrate Easter because Jesus decided to get in trouble for all the bad things we do so that we wouldn't have to get in trouble. I illustrated this by telling her it was like M2 writing on the wall, me coming in and asking who did it and then M saying she did it because she didn't want M2 in trouble.


She understood what I said but couldn't really wrap her head around the concept - why would she say it was her and not M2? Why would someone get in trouble for someone else? And I totally get how hard it is to accept. I'm grown and it's still hard for me to wrap my head around. Why would God send his Son to save me? Knowing that I'm full of sin and so unworthy? Intrinsically, we don't have that kind of love for one another - the willingness to give up our most perfect, most loved to save someone who is less worthy. It is truly beyond our understanding. And you realize that once you try to explain it to a four year old and you can't really find the words to explain why God loves you so much, except to say "He just does."


It makes me think about the choices I have made throughout my life - the choices that were made for selfish and self-serving reasons...the choices that lead directly to sin. And I wonder "Is this what God had in mind when he sacrificed his Son for me?" Shouldn't I want to do better, live better? Shouldn't I want to serve him honorably? And honestly, it makes me want to be better - in every way.


And it's funny because when I started this conversation with M, I thought I would be the one teaching her something...

Let The Rambling Begin...

This is my second blog - and I hope I am more successful in keeping this one updated and current than I was with the last...


Although I always have good intentions, it's difficult for me to stay motivated when it comes to exercise. It's not something that was ever incorporated into my life and I find it challenging to incorporate it now. I do much better when I am held accountable - it's just another motivation for me to continue. Right now I don't have a workout partner and I think everyone got tired of me blasting "Workout done!" on Facebook so I'm using this as a tool to track my progress and stay accountable and to most likely complain about the process.




I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this but if you are thanks for sharing this ride with me!