Long & Winding Road

Had a really, really good day. It was good for my spirit. And I really needed it - my soul needed the nourishment.


The last 7 months have been such an adjustment for me - accepting a new job on an unfamiliar campus and trying to start a new program...it's just been a lot. I loved McNair - the structure and research aspect of that program were really suited to my personality. It was really hard to leave. I was ready for a new challenge and an opportunity for growth but I would have to say the biggest factor was the salary.


And from the very beginning that has bothered me. Mainly because I work in TRiO because I believe in the programs, believe they make a difference. I never started my career expecting to get rich - I knew pretty quickly it would probably be just the opposite. And to make a decision based primarily on money seems...I don't know...to go against what I believe - which is that ultimately, life is about making a difference and not earning a paycheck.


So I'm navigating my way into this new place - and I feel like I am starting from scratch. New people, new politics, new procedures. And I know NOTHING. NOTHING. And that kills me. I'm on this little island by myself and I am feeling lost and filled with regret and all I can think is "Did I just make a huge mistake - is the money really worth it?"


Seven months later I can say with certainty that no, the money is not worth it. It never has been and never will be.


What makes it worth it is knowing I can make a difference and have an impact in the life of even just one student. And I think that has been the hardest for me - the first few months were about building and growing, not impacting. It's a necessary part of it but difficult to accept. I need to see immediate results, I need to know each day that something I did was beneficial. And to have to wait for that...that's tough. I'm an immediate gratification kind of gal - I want it now and don't want to wait. Not my best characteristic but true.


But we're getting there. Every day our program gets better and I am beginning to see the differences our services make. I know it's crazy but I want to have the very best SSS program in Oklahoma. And I don't mean that in a vain way or to disrespect any other SSS program - I just want everything we do to be done so well...I want to knock it outta the park.


I can envision our program, I know where we need to be but I'm not sure how to get us there...and I think if I didn't care so much it would be so much easier. I could "do" my job and go home and not worry or plot or scrutinize every little thing...but I can't. This isn't just a job for me.


So today I had the opportunity to spend some time with a friend of mine who used to work in TRiO. I asked him if he missed it and it was interesting because I left the conversation and wondered if I would ever want to leave...it's so hard for me to imagine that.


I still have so much work ahead of me, we are nowhere close to what our program could be or should be. And I feel like each day is spent swimming against the current...but I don't feel as lost or as overwhelmed. More than anything right now I simply feel motivated.