You Should Know

The other day I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with an old friend. Of course, it wasn’t enough time but it was enough to make me miss him terribly. 

We became friends towards the end of our senior year of high school. Looking at us, you probably wouldn’t have matched us up. I was the shy nerdy girl that no one knew and he was the crazy stoner dude that knew everyone. But somehow our paths crossed and the summer after graduation we became very close.

He was my favorite running buddy – if I was going somewhere or doing something I invited him. He was always happy and loved life and that attitude seemed to make every experience better.

We would spend hours on the phone but would rarely talk – most that time was spent watching episodes of Cops and then making snide, judgey comments during the commercials.  Most people would find that boring but it was kinda our thing.  He got my sense of humor and liked to make me laugh.

And he always, always looked out for me.  That summer during a small party, someone slipped something in my Dr. Pepper.  When the drugs hit my system I knew something was wrong but had no clue what was going on. Never in a million years would I have imagined something like that happening to me.  I ran to him and told him to get me help because I had been poisoned by the “bad” fish I had eaten for lunch.  He pieced together what had happened, called my Mom to come over and then spent the rest of the night talking me through the terrifying moments and making sure I was okay.

Then, I did something very hurtful. Like most hurtful things, that wasn’t my intention. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I was self-centered and selfish and focused on my own desires.  I don’t think I ever even really thought how my actions might impact him or make him feel.

Now that I’m older and maybe a little bit wiser, I think that was probably what hurt him the most – my utter and complete disregard for his feelings and for him – as my best friend and someone who cared for me. I ignored my responsibility to consider his feelings and treated him carelessly.

Our friendship was never the same. But I was all wrapped up in a new guy and school and life and so the friendship seemed to fade naturally. I missed him and thought of him but never gave consideration to what had really happened.

Until several years later. Then I got it. I understood with clarity what I had done and how horrible it had been. By then, we rarely talked.  I wanted to say something, to offer an apology but I convinced myself it was irrelevant – we had moved on, we each had our own separate lives and it seemed awkward to bring it back up.

But after seeing him the other day I am certain of one thing: it is never too late or too awkward to apologize.

So here it goes:

BFB, you need to know I am sorry. I’m sorry that I was insensitive and hurtful. I’m sorry I disregarded your feelings and was careless with your heart.  I’m sorry I was a bad friend.  I’m sorry for all it.  And I’m especially sorry it’s taken me this long to tell you how sorry I am.