Do It Wrong

After nearly 20 years, I finally realized why I always sucked at dating.

Don't get me wrong. I actually dated a lot. Well, not a whole lot because my dating life didn't really exist until I was out of high school.  My husband has confirmed what every chubby girl already knows - in high school, guys want the pefect looking girl.  And that's one thing I've never been.

It's kinda funny because soon after we began dating we discovered that during his first years of college he worked at the 7-11 directly down the street from my high school. This was during my Senior year and I was notorious for skipping 1st hour and going to 7-11 and getting an Icy with my little sister. This was not a random, sporadic event - I probably went in there at least once a week - not counting all my after-school trips.

No need to point out that correlation between trips to 7-11 and being a chubby girl.  I'm well aware that the two are related. And guess what?  I still make frequent 7-11 trips. So there.

We compared notes, just to make sure we had the timing right and yes, we did - he even dated two girls I went to high school with - a soccer star and a cheerleader. And in the course of wondering how our paths crossed with such frequency without us ever meeting it simply came down to the fact that he wouldn't have paid any attention to me because I didn't meet the mold. It was simple immaturity.

So it took a few years before my dating life took off.  And 'take off" is a loose term.  I had some interesting and exciting adventures but it's not like a had a hot date every weekend. I got semi-noticed, not hunted.

I had a blast dating but I wasn't very good at it. At all. And now, married for 11 years, I know why. There have been a serious of dating books on the circuit that encourage women to be a bitch. Seriously, they even have one titled "Why Men Love Bitches" The premise isn't really that you act like a bitch - it's that essentially you play hard to get. That men are hunters and are only interested if they think they can't have you.

I always thought that was a load of bs. If I liked a guy, I told him I liked him. I called him. I showed interest. But I finally understand - I was doing it wrong!

So you probably don't remember this this guy. But he's been up to my office to see me twice. The first time I sincerely thought it was an excuse to try to hit on me. Yes, I'm vain and narcissistic. But we have a history - the guy showed up at my apartment and kissed me the night before his wedding. It's safe to say he hit on me a few times.

But that was like 17 years ago and a lot has changed.

The meeting was nothing but professional - 100% business.  The second time he came up it was a little more personal (caught up on mutual friends) but again, completely professional.  He didn't make any indication that he was there for anything but business. So I think this really is legitimate. And I feel silly for ever making the assumption that he had other intentions.

Then he called on Friday, wanted to collaborate.  I explain why it isn't going to work but offer to let him put out some literature for my students. He said he would bring it up next week and I told him that if  I'm not there just leave it with someone. Then he says no, he wants to see me. He isn't interested in seeing my staff - he's coming up to see me.  Then as we're ending the conversation he says "See ya Monday and I'll bring a 6 pack of beer." 

And maybe it doesn't sound like much reading it - but I could tell he was hitting on me. And it's not vanity. This time.

And it clicked, for the very first time. All those women who encourage playing hard to get, all the magazine articles advising to not let him know you like him, all my friends that would say "Don't tell him that!" - WERE COMPLETELY RIGHT.

Guys really will like you if they think you aren't interested.

I honestly don't think this guy ever intended to hit on me but when I didn't flirt - I think it sparked something. And I think it was the same all those years ago - he never liked me, he liked the thought of catching me.

Of course this revelation is completely irrelevant to me. And honestly, even if I had realized it when I was dating I wouldn't have practiced it. Even if it works, I think it's entirely dumb to try to act like you don't like someone when you do...like what's the point? You might be able to temporarily catch a guys interest but ultimately, a guy that's only in it for the hunt, will start chasing someone else after they've caught you...

Hello Again

Ever have so much going on that it's easier just to not do any of it?

That's kinda how I feel about this blog. I had a lot that I wanted to share but...I would start to blog and not finish.  And then...the moment had passed and I was on to something different. Really, the entire month of July was a whirlwind. Here's a quick recap, mostly in pictures. Because it's easier that way.

Fourth of July Family Fun:

I think we need more fireworks!

Birthday Party Camp In:

M decided she wanted a slumber party and without thinking, I asked her what kind of slumber party. I was thinking she would say some favorite cartoon character and I would run out and buy plates, napkins and cups with that theme and be done. WRONG. She wanted a camp slumber party. In July. There was no way we could camp outside so we did a camp-in instead. Do you know how hard it is to try to do a camping theme inside? Either did I!

I didn't take many pictures, I was busy running around after 11 kids trying to make sure no one got hurt, no one got lost and no one destroyed my house.  All the while making sure that I didn't sound just like a raving lunatic in the process. I did manage to snap one of the trail mix station. We also had an indoor s'more maker that you can't really see in the picture.  The girls were not as impressed with this as I thought they should be - they just wanted the s'more and could care less how it was made.

I also made a really cute banner - and I'm not crafty so that was a real labor of love -  but it has her name on it and the hubby is weird about kid info out on the web...so no pics of that.

Softball Season:
Closed out the season of ball.  M2's team went undefeated, they were some tough little t-ballers! They really had a great team and M2 played super hard.  M's team did good too, but they had some losses. Of course, that bothered M less than the fact that M2 got a bigger trophy than her.

Now we're on to cheerleading. Man, that's a real commitment!  Twice a week and a game every Saturday. Maybe I'm just a lazy parent but twice a week for cheer? Just have them clap and jump around and let's call it good.

So it's a total pain in the butt to squeeze all that in but M is having a blast. And she's pretty good too - she got promoted up to the 4th grade squad. I wasn't too sure at first because she's a young third grader and I didn't know if she could really handle it but she's working hard to make sure she keeps up with the big girls. Working so hard that I've heard every cheer about 20 times a day since they started. Two weeks ago.

Miscellaneous Summer Fun:
July was the month for pool parties - we had several! I'm a water baby so I actually kind of loved it.

This is the only pool party I attended where I didn't swim. I planned to but none of the other ladies were so I hung out and chatted instead. Both because I wanted to be social and I didn't want to bust out in my bathing suit and provide an opportunity for judgement. It seems like that's how girl code works: if everyone is in a swimsuit, eyes are averted and forgiveness is provided. If only one is in a bathing suit then it's full on scrutiny. And my stomach isn't flat enough for that.

So the cop in the background is my BIL. We all live in the same town which can be fun (and sometimes helpful). Several times he has arrived at our house with sirens on and lights flashing so it appears, to all our neighbors, that we're having some kind of domestic dispute. Which he thinks is hilarious. So when I saw him in the restaurant I ran up to him and said, very loudly, "Hey! You're the cop that arrested me last week!" and punched him in the arm. It got kind of quiet while everyone looked at us. And without missing a beat he looked at me sternly and said "Ma'am, punch me again and I'll take you in." I think everyone in the restaurant was then confused when he sat down and ate with us.

Even the longhorn agrees that OU is NUMBER ONE! Okay, so I did some not so nice things to this poor longhorn. All just part of football prep - 22 days!  BOOMER SOONER!

Rental Work:

We Hubby got a new rental ready to rent. I had the easy job - just some cleaning and finishing touches. Like taking care of this:

Remember when car window tint first came out? It was that purple looking stuff that would end up cracking, flaking and peeling off within a year?  Yeah. It was hideous.

It's even worse on a bedroom window.  And what's really weird, I mean weirder than putting that on a house, is that this bedroom has four window panes and they only put it on one. Just one. Which was lucky for me because apparently it reacts differently to bedroom windows - no peeling or flaking,  this stuff was a beast to get off!

And speaking of rentals - we got the "gross house" done and rented. Finally. That felt like it was the longest project ever. Mainly because we were busy so our work weekends were limited. Don't think we've ever had a house drag out that long, we're usually done in a month tops. Not that I'm complaining, I'll take fun over work any day.   Here's how it turned out.  It isn't perfect but at least it's clean.

This is the wall that had the "family" trail on it. YUCK!

It's looking like August will be just as busy but I'll try to do better about blogging. If you read this then you probably already have an idea of my follow-through and level of commitment so you won't be shocked if it doesn't happen consistently. Oh well, I'm a work in progress...

Here's to a great August!

I Am In Love

I am so in love with today that's it's not even funny. 

First, this weather is absolutely gorgeous. Perfect. The sun is shining, everything looks crisp and green and the temperature couldn't be better. I'm seriously thinking I'm going to run outside today. Not a huge fun of running around campus where all my colleagues and students can see me flopping around but I just don't think I can pass up some time outside. Not today.

Had a really good and productive meeting this morning. So nice when everyone communicates, comes together and moves toward progress. It really motivates and energies me and I just kinda feel pumped about some of these lingering projects.

And I'm not sure why but I've been getting compliments all day long. Seriously, it's the most random thing. From my morning drink stop, my meeting, just walking across campus...everywhere I've gone today someone has made a nice comment. I'm not sure what's going on but I kinda love it.  I know it shouldn't make a difference - it's superficial to care what people think of your appearance - but it makes me feel great. Seriously, I'm bordering on giddy. And wondering what I've done differently today. Because I definitely need to do it again.

So I just had to share what a fantastic and wonderful day it's been. And I hope that you're day has been equally amazing! Yay for Terrific Tuesday!

Grossie Jossie

So I'm not sure what happened but I'm peeling. I promise you, I didn't have a sunburn. At least I didn't think I did - I never turned pink and it never hurt! I was just changing clothes and I caught a glimpse of my shoulder and there it was - flaking skin. My beautiful golden tan turning peeling away.

M rubbed most the pieces off, then it just looked like I had some weird skin disease.

I threw on a cover up and went downstairs and the first thing M2 said when she saw me was "Ewwww, gross!".

I agree.

But that's not the only thing gross about me. If you want to retain the illusion that I'm even a half-way appealing person, you should stop reading right now because the things I'm about to share might change that perception forever. Because I do a lot of things that are just kinda...gross.


1. Since I'm irresponsible and can't seem to manage to bring my gym bag each day, I pack it on Sunday and don't take it home until Friday. Which means I wear the same gym clothes 5 days in a row. There is some serious funk going on by day 3.

The gym bag...it stinks too

2. And because I try to get in as much gym time as I can during my lunch hour, there is not time for showering. I have some spray that I put on when I get back to my office. It doesn't really mask the smell, it just kinda mixes in. So I walk around the rest of the day smelling like sweet vanilla sweat.

 My odor "mask". And I didn't buy this for myself, it was a gift.
Because I'm just SO sensual.

3. I don't wash my face at night. I can't really explain this one. It really doesn't make sense because I brush my teeth and it wouldn't be that much more effort to splash some water on my face...I was momentarily better about this but I'm just not into it.

4. I like bloody steak. When I was 12, I went with a group of friends to a fancy steakhouse to celebrate one of their birthdays. It was a big deal because her parents sat at another table and we got to feel grown up and order on our own. I hadn't ever had restaurant steak before - when we had it at home, it got plunked down on my plate and I ate it;  no one ever asked how I wanted it cooked. So when the waitress asked me, I had no clue what she was talking about. So when I asked her what she meant, she quickly rattled off a list of things and I repeated the first one that I heard - rare. But I didn't get what that meant. When she brought the steak it was swimming in red "sauce". It was the best steak I had ever had. It was amazing. I've been hooked ever since. Now I order medium-rare, mostly out of consideration for my husband, who finds it highly disturbing to see blood coming from my food.

5. I have an insane amount of body hair. It's seriously unreal. I have hair growing in places that hair should not grow. I'm a trimmed up version of Chewbacca. And it's not soft, fine hair either. I shave my legs each morning and by mid-afternoon I'm walking around with cactus legs. You know it's bad when you're in bed and you rub your leg against your husband and he yells "Ouch!. Because nothing quite sets the mood like exfoliating someone's body with your porcupine legs.

Before Nair

After Nair

 

6. I don't poop that often. I don't have "issues", it's just my system. I've always been that way. To my horror, my husband has told people in amazement "Amber doesn't ever poop!", like it's some party trick I learned in college or something. And of course, after he says that I have to defend myself and assure everyone that I do, in fact, poop which opens up a gross and embarrassing conversation about my bowl functions.

7. I have conversations about poop.

8. I eat lemons. I don't know how gross that really is, but I don't see many people do it. I love lemon water and my newest thing is Diet Dr. Pepper with lemon. But I always take the lemon out after I'm finished and eat it. I would probably eat lemon by itself, like an apple or a peach, if it wasn't so bad for your teeth.

9. I wouldn't go so far as to say I like it, but I'm not offended by skunk smell. I don't know why, it's just not as repulsive to me as it should be. Everyone is all coughing and gagging and I'm all "Hey, let's go eat."

10. I'm a sloppy nail clipper. I don't even try to be clean about it; I let them fly all over the place. I do, however, vacuum them up. So that's only a little gross, right?

I'm sure there are about a dozen other really gross things I do but that's it for today. I gotta ease you into it - it helps with the repulsion...

Grease Monkey

So yesterday I got to do something I've never done before...

Photo courtesy of M, who got a lesson about working on cars

I changed the air filter in my car! This was exciting to me for two reasons: it desperately needed it and I've never done it before.  It was super easy, by the way.  I'm not trying to be all "woman power" over here but it makes me feel good when I do stuff on my own. 

I never felt that marriage should exempt someone from taking care of themselves independently.  I had a friend who desperately wanted to get married and she would always say "I just need help!  I need someone to help me around the house." And she honestly meant it - she wanted to get married so she wouldn't have to do it all alone. I thought, and still do, that was one of the lamest things I had ever heard.  You don't get married so you have someone to boss around and assign errands to! Hello? That's what children are for...

But seriously, wanting a spouse because you need a handyman? Crazy.  She met someone online and when he would come visit her from out of state, she had these lists of things for him to do while she was at work - mow the yard, weed eat, fix things...one day she came home to some flowers and a goodbye note. She was most upset that he hadn't finished his list.

I've always considered myself a traditionalist, but I guess deep-down I'm really not because I think it's silly to assign "his and her" chores.  I don't think my husband has washed a pair of underwear in...over 12 years. I am certain that he managed to keep his tighty whities clean before we met - trust me, dirty drawers would have been a deal breaker.

But somehow, the fact that I come with boobs automatically makes me more qualified for laundry duty. They really should put a warning label on these things- WARNING: boobs may increase aptitude for housework, impair ability to drive, decrease comprehension of math/science, reduce interest in and/or knowledge of sports, enlarge child rearing responsibilities and induce lame stereotypes.

And it's not even really about gender. I just think you do what needs to be done. It's that simple. When the trash is full, take it out. Why would I wait for someone else to do it? I've been taking my trash out since I lived on my own, I don't suddenly stop just because I have a husband. That makes no sense.

I just think it's important for people to live the way they want to live - married or not, you have a right to live the life you want. My husband is a major grinch and he's not into Christmas lights. I, on the other hand, love Christmas and everything about it - especially the lights. The first year we were married when he said he wasn't doing lights, I was upset. And confused. How can you not want to do lights? It's CHRISTMAS! But then it hit - why should I let his disinterest prevent me from having lights? If I was single and wanted lights I would put them up myself. So I did. And I still do. And if he helps, great - they look better - and if not, that's fine too. I've still got lights and I'm happy.

Don't get me wrong, I still fall into the typical traps. You did see the part above about the laundry, right? And I personally don't do any major home repairs. Not because I don't think it's my role, but because I have limited experience working with power tools and I value my limbs.

So I'm excited I learned how to change an air filter. Now I can add that to my list of Can Do...

A Diet I Can Do...Maybe

I’m starting a fast today.

But not that kind of fast. I don’t do the whole diet thing. I’ve tried two my entire life. One was a soup diet, really more of a cleanse, that required that I eat nothing except this rancid soup for two weeks…I think. I don’t know because I don’t think I lasted past day 4. Seriously, the same stinkin soup three times a day and nothing else. I never wanted to see that soup again. 

The second diet I attempted was the Atkins. I brutally cut myself off from all the things I love – french fries, bread, chips…so painful. I was very, very successful with it though. I quickly shed about 15 pounds. In less than two months. Bam! I just woke up one morning and it was all gone. Pretty big result for such little effort. Then one afternoon we met up with some friends and decided to grab a quick lunch before heading to the lake. And we decide to go Mexican. I knew from the very beginning that it was a bad idea. I have the willpower of the teeniest, tiniest flea…so this was not going to go well. On the way there I was rationalizing how I could eat without the carbs and trying to figure out what I would order. But the minute I sat down at the table it was over – I went for the chips. Then, since I had already screwed up, I just decided to forget it and get whatever I wanted.

We made a quick run to the store for some lake stuff and all the sudden while I’m checking out, something happens.  Whoosh –fuzziness comes over me, the room starts spinning, everything is slowing down – it’s like everything was a slow liquid.  I’m light-headed and dizzy and am pretty sure I’m about to pass out.  I can hear my girlfriend ask what’s wrong but instead of answering, I stumble out of the store, vomit into a nearby shrub and collapse in a heap on the curb.

Not my most glamorous hour.  

In less than 10 minutes, I was perfectly fine - no problems whatsoever.  I don’t know what it’s like to have hyperglycemia but there was definitely something wrong with my blood sugar. I think all those carbs just sent my body into shock. And that was the end of the low-carb diet.

So this is a financial fasting. Which is going to be almost as hard, if not harder, than a food diet. I’m not going to spend any money this week. Sounds like an easy thing but it’s probably harder than you would think. Every month I get spending money and at the end of every month I’ve spent it all. This is a point of contention for my husband, who hardly spends any of his spending money and considers himself severely broke if he hits below $150 in his spending account.  In general my philosophy has been that it’s spending money so it doesn’t really matter if I, ya know... spend it.

But then the other day I was really thinking about it. I get a decent amount of spending money. Nothing extravagant but it’s enough that I should probably be embarrassed that I piss it away each month. I’ve gotten so used to just buying that I really think it’s made me frivolous and wasteful. But not in a big way – I’m not going on wild shopping sprees. And that’s part of the problem, I have very little to show for my spending.   I am literally just nickel and diming myself broke.  It’s all those little things that are adding up – daily sodas, eating out, snacks. I really just go get whatever I want, when I want.

I know that’s not financially smart. And it definitely won’t be like that when I stay at home.  So I’m trying to be more aware of what I spend.  And have a greater appreciation for it too. Because it wasn’t that long ago that I was trying to figure out how to  get all the bills paid and the thought of "fun" money was foreign.

So wish me luck! It may be a little painful but it's not likely to result in public puking  so already I feel like this is a fast I've won...

TBT: List Bliss

For all those in the blog world that were wondering - I haven't forgotten you. I promise. I am fully committed to being an unreliable, inconsistent and dull blogger.  Hey, it's what I do.

Here's a picture to celebrate the fact that I have a three-day weekend:

This is my "Just Jack" face, inspired by the tv show Will & Grace.  If you've never seen Will & Grace then I feel sorry for you.  If you've seen Will & Grace and didn't like it then I'm not sure we can remain friends.

And since it's Thursday but we're pretending it's Friday, I'm going to TBT to my Friday list. Clever, huh?

So here's a short little list of observations made while taking this picture:

1. I'm a dork. Not a new observation but a resounding one.

2. I kinda like being a dork. It allows me the luxury of doing really silly (see photo above) things without a lot of judgement. I just whip out the Certified Dork membership card and get an understanding nod and a free pass.

3. I'm really hating my teeth. Awful, isn't it? I really hated them when I first got the braces off, then kinda got used to the overbite but I've determined I officially hate them for sure.

4. Of course you're going to say the overbite isn't that bad. You're my friend and required to lie in order to make me feel better.  If you only see photos then you have to understand it's called selective posting.

5. I have major cleavage. I took about 5 pictures and my boobs were hanging out in every picture except the one I shared. Again, selective posting.

6. I kinda love the cleavage. They're on loan from the fat factory. The only positive of gaining weight. Can I lose weight and keep the boobs please, please, please? They're just what I always wanted. My own big boobs. I will name them Georgia and I will hug them and pet them and squeeze them...

That's all I got folks.

Enjoy the holiday weekend, I know I will. Gonna be laying out poolside, soaking up the sun with a cold adult beverge. Thank you America!