Boat Babe

I'm sitting here trying to type. Carefully, because I just painted my nails. That's not something I do often. I love the way it looks but it's a maintenance issue - I can't stand chipped nails. It looks so unkept and slouchy to me. If you're going to paint them, you have to take care of them. And on my long list of things to do each night, maintaining nail polish doesn't usually rank. 

But I needed to do something to make myself feel pretty. So painted nails it is...

That's actually the third good thing I've done for myself today. Because I also drank water and went to the gym! 

It doesn't sound like a big deal, but I hardly ever drink water - unless I'm at a restaurant, then I'll order a water with lemon. Other than that, it's like never. Seriously, I've gone multiple weeks without a glass of water. Technically your body get hydrated from multiple sources so it's not like I've been dehydrated. But I'm hydrating with the wrong things. Unhealthy things. 

So, I printed out a water tracking sheet to try to help keep me accountable. The goal is 64 ounces of water a day.  I drank 48 during work hours today. I also went to the bathroom about that many times too. It was odd, I'm sure, to see me running to the bathroom every 10 minutes. Really, I'm not having any issues - just small bladder and lots of water. No worries! Probably not real great for productivity but I was getting in some steps so that's a bonus.

I also got in some steps at the gym. It's been so long, I wasn't sure I could remember how to get there. Seriously, I don't remember the last time I went. But I had to go. Like it's not even a choice.  I eat way too unhealthy to not do anything. Plus, I've blown up. BLOWN. UP. 

I had gained a little weight - no, there's no such thing as a "little" weight with me, five pounds on my frame looks like ten. So, I had gained some weight during the last couple of months.  I didn't buy anything new to wear for the conference last month (I know, that's a first) and as I was trying on dresses, they weren't fitting. I said to my husband, "Man, I've gained weight! Can you tell?" and he said yes. Not in a jerky way, but in a sincere, I'm answering your question truthfully way. 

And I've gained even more since then.  I got on the scale at my Mom's house and I'm the heaviest I've ever been. Ever. Whoah.  Apparently, this emotional eating thing isn't working out so well for me. Now I'm just stressed and fat.

You would think the shock from the number I saw on the scale would be a good motivator. Or my clothes not fitting would be a good motivator. Or the fact that I am one french fry away from someone asking when I’m due might be a good motivator.

Nope.

None of that seemed to have any impact, whatsoever. Then the other day, something happened.  I’ve shared that my husband is honest. Sometimes when I share things, that can make him look like a jerk. Mainly because you don’t have the opportunity to actually hear it and two, because you don’t know him. But here’s the thing – if I ask him a question, he answers me honestly. Each and every time. Always.

So if I ask him if I look fat and he thinks I do, he’ll tell me. I never get offended by that. In fact, I appreciate it. And here’s why – because I can always, always trust that he’s authentic.  So when he tells me I look good – which happens more frequently than anything negative, by the way – I absolutely believe him. I know he’s not just trying to make me feel good or telling me what I want to hear. He only tells me that when he believes it. 

So the other day, I was sitting in front of my mirror in a towel, blow-drying my hair when he rushes in to the bedroom, phone in his hand and exclaims “I found a picture of you!” Of course, I was all “What are you talking about?” and he proceeds to pull up a photo gallery from facebook. One of those that shows a series of pictures that have funny things in them that you have to really look at them to catch it…and the very first one was a picture of a model, laying on her stomach in a thong bikini.  He was convinced it looked like me. 

"See, doesn’t that look like you? It looks just like you!” He was so convinced he even asked, only half joking, if I was sure no one ever took pictures of me on any long ago college spring break trips. So convinced that a few days later he even showed the picture to my Grandma, Mom and sisters. "Doesn't that look just like Amber?"

Just for the record – I’ve never, ever in my life had a body like the model in the picture, I’ve never laid on a boat and posed for pictures and I’ve never owned or worn a thong bikini. Well, not intentionally. I may have some bikini bottoms that are now so small that they may appear to be a thong…but I won’t be wearing those any time soon.

Obviously, it wasn’t me. The girl was a model for crying out loud! She was beautiful…gorgeous, really.  But it touched me that he thought we looked alike. Like I couldn’t wrap my brain around that fact that he would think I’m that pretty. Especially because he’s the one to see me at my very worst – crusties in my eyes, smeared makeup, slumpy clothes. That man has seen me gross, gross, gross. And he still thinks I look like that? Mind blowing.

So it kinda motivated me, pushed me out of this slump. So I’ve decided to try to be better – to just try, at least.  Not for him, but because of him.  If that even makes sense.

And at this point, I don’t care even if it doesn’t make sense because I just needed something to get me to put down the chips and get off the couch.  So here I go. Again. I may not be the most consistent or hardcore person, but at least I’m making an effort. And that's a start!

Turkey Do

I would like to say that my absence was due to Thanksgiving festivities but that's not entirely true. Mostly true, but not entirely. I did, however, have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Actually one of the best in a very, very long time.

First and foremost - no traveling to my in-laws! Instead,  my husband extended an invitation to his family to come to our house. No Thanksgiving night in a hotel! No McDonalds on Thanksgiving! We get to watch the Macy's Day parade! This is gonna be great!  Flash to the thought of the 9 of them throwing their used toilet paper in my trash can, instead of flushing it down the toilet...no, it's still gonna be great!

And it got even better. Because they didn't come! I know that sounds so hateful. It's horrible, I know. Completely horrible. And yet, it made me so happy.

So I got to host Thanksgiving for my SIL (the newly reconnected one), her family and an old friend. Now, this is a major feat for someone that cooks like...never. I mean, yeah, I make dinner but I don't cook. If it comes from a box or a sack - I'm good. Most the time. But to really cook? Yeah, I don't do that. I don't enjoy cooking. Mainly because I'm not good at it.  I know I'm suppose to feel inadequate or something because that's not a skill I have...but I'm not heartbroken over it. So I'm not a good cook? There are lots of other things I'm good at. Not exactly sure what those other things are...but I know there's something.

I have been in the kitchen enough to know that a large part of it is timing. So, I made a list (you know how I love a good list) and timed everything out. Yes, I made a timeline for my dishes. And I do have to say that it worked perfectly - everything was done and still hot. It was perfect.

Food prep - I got this!

And no major disasters either. Actually no disasters of any kind. Not that I made anything hard - although I did make dressing from scratch. Like I boiled a chicken for the broth kind of scratch. But even that wasn't hard - just time consuming. So I would call my first Thanksgiving a success.

As an added bonus, I actually got to have Thanksgiving with my family too. We split our holidays so I usually don't get to spend it with them but this year they decided to do it on the weekend so it worked out. Super low-key because I didn't host - just had to show up with asparagus casserole and a smile. And eat myself to death. I don't know why, but my family is always worried about running out of food. Really? We're all like 20 pounds overweight, I think we'll survive without a piece of pie. Of course, I totally ate one.

It was that sugar rush that helped me establish myself as Queen of Pit - I smoked everybody! If you don't know, that's a really fun game. It's based on the stock market, which doesn't sound fun at all. You have got to try this game - it's the coolest thing ever! You just have to try to collect a full set of commodities. You know, like wheat, barley, oats, corn...Yeeeah, doesn't sound real exciting. But it is! It's my party must have. So. Much. Fun.

So super great Thanksgiving.  Although I will say that I am up to here with Turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and anything else Thanksgivingish. You can only eat the same meal so many times in a row. And I think 5 days may have been pushing it.

And I got my Christmas decorations up!  What an experience that was! But that's a story for another day. A story involving broken bulbs, bruises and a whole lot of brawn.  Let's juts say my Christmas spirit will not be defeated!  So hello holidays!

Undone

Well folks, hate to be the bearer of bad news but it appears I'm not well. I mean, physically I'm fine...but otherwise, don't think I'm doing so great.  

Unless it's normal to break down and just crumple like a hot mess. It's not? You sure? Not even for those of us with a little...flair for the dramatic?

That's what I was afraid of.  Weeell, this is no good.

I kinda knew I had reached a point of concern when I walked out of my office yesterday in tears. I actually made it to my car before any fell, which required an impressive amount of restraint. I was doing that weird trying-not-to-cry face. That's not a face anyone can pull off - I don't care how cute you are, it's ugly. I had just opened the door to walk out to the parking lot when it hit me all the sudden I knew I was about to cry. My first thought was " Oh. My. God. Get your shit together!" Sorry about the language, my inner dialogue has a mouth like a sailor. My second thought was "Ugh, now I'm gonna make the face."

I can't tell you specifically what brought me to the point of tears because honestly, it wasn't one specific thing. And it's not even the crying really. Because I'm a crier. Sad movie, sad story, or anything emotional and the tears are on...but generally it's caused by my ability to empathize. And not just because I'm an emotional mess.

And I don't know why - I'm not sure what's happened to me. I can usually cope with stress, with issues, with whatever...but it's like I’ve suddenly lost that ability.  And I'm wondering what the heck is wrong with me because I don't like it, don't like it at all.

Even at conference – I found myself feeling territorial, bitchy, jealous. And that’s not me, at all. Well, maybe the bitchy part. Just a little. But I behaved badly over something stupid and was totally rude to someone that completely didn't deserve it. That's out of character for me as I usually reserve my rudeness for jerks and idiots. But really,  I usually try to handle myself better than that, not matter how I feel. And I still feel guilty for it. 

I thought then that it was probably hormones. Wait, I’m not pulling the whole female card as an excuse–I’m not, hear me out. My schedule is like clockwork  - to the day. But I got paranoid that things were going to happen early. Start at conference? Uh, I don’t think so. So I downed a couple of birth control pills. Take that biological system! In my 38 years on earth, I haven’t learned how to manipulate people but I sure as hell know how to manipulate a menstrual cycle.

I’m not normally on the pill, so when I acted out and couldn't deal with things I chalked it up to the synthetic hormones I had dumped into my body. I figured my system was on estrogen overload. But it’s apparent that’s not it. Somehow, I’ve just come undone.

And I got some upsetting news while I was at conference. Nothing that I didn't expect, but still hard to hear. And it surprised me that I could be surprised by something that, really, I already knew. I'm not sure if that speaks more to my abilities at denial or to my optimism.

Either way, it means that I'm probably going to end up writing our grant. I'm not experienced or qualified - what I am is scared to death. It's a huge responsibility.  I would feel responsible either way, but if I'm actually writing it - it changes everything. If we aren't funded,  I will forever wonder if (and believe) we could have made it if someone else has written. I just don't know if I can do it. And I may not get/have to - we're still playing politics. Fun, fun.

And it's funny that people on the outside feel such confidence in me - like I just want to scream "You're wrong - I'm not as capable as you think!"- because the reality is that I'm not. Here I am, failing in so many ways, and people are coming to me for answers, coming to me for the fix.  Look, I don't know how to tell you this people, but you are in serious trouble if you're looking to me for answers.

So I'm going to take a minute to wrap myself back up and get myself back. This emotional, soppy mess stuff is for the birds...

El Presidenta

We had a cheer meeting last Friday. To show you just what a good cheer Mom I am, I actually didn't even know we had a meeting. What I did know was that someone in our squad had arranged to have a bake sale/garage sale and that I was going to be out of town during it. I missed competition and now the sale? I could just imagine how that was going to go over.

So my plan was to run by the store, grab some brownies or something and drop them off somewhere. I don't look like a completely bad Mom, they've got goodies to sale and all is well. So I sent a quick text on the way home asking where to drop off.

That's when I got the "You can bring them to our meeting tonight." Meeting? What meeting? Oh. I missed that text.

Meeting in 30 minutes and I haven't even made it home yet? Perfect.

That's when I also learned that one Mom had made 4 banana breads, 6 pumpkin breads, 6 cakes, 6 pies, 60 muffins, 72 cupcakes and TWO HUNDRED cookies. TWO. HUNDRED. FREAKIN. COOKIES.

And my idea of picking up some store bought brownies slowly deflates and crumples like an old balloon.

What? Is this Mom trying to start her own bakery or something? Seriously? Two hundred cookies? She totally broke Mom Commandment #5: Thou Shalt Not Be Such An Overachiever That It Puts Other Mothers To Shame. That one, it's an important one.

Crap.

Now I have just enough time to change and hopefully find something for the garage sale. Because I am sure as hell not showing up with some day-old brownies from Homeland. And I have nothing. Nothing for the garage sale. Well, actually - I have a ton of junk I could donate. What I don't have is the time to go through and dig any of it out. You know, because I was kinda banking on the whole brownie thing...

So as I'm changing I look over and see some of my old purses hanging in the closet. And there are some cute purses...I debate for maybe half a second and then grab them and just go. If I think about it, I may change my mind.

At the meeting we learn that the cheer association has decided that all funds that we raise as a squad will go towards paying for the 5th and 6th grade competitions - because our squad has sought out and secured sponsorship and because those squads aren't interested in finding sponsors or fundraising. And apparently, it's unfair if we work to raise money and don't share. Interestingly, the President of the association is also the 6th grade coach.

You can imagine how I felt about that. I have no problem contributing to a community fund, if everyone is working to contribute. But you're not just gonna sit back, do nothing and reap the benefits of the work our squad has done. Because, you know, it was SO hard to grab those purses...But it's the principle - that's wrong.  And when I think something is wrong, I just can't let it go.

So I didn't. And I ended up walking away as the President of our newly formed parents association. I'm not sure how that happened. I tried to respectfully decline several times. Because sometimes people confuse loudness with leadership. Yes, I'm vocal and opinionated but it by no means makes me a leader. It just makes me...loud and opinionated.

And don't think for a second that the irony of the "disengaged" Mom end up "leading" the association was lost on me. People, I was the one that was going to buy brownies, remember???

I give it two weeks before they change their minds. In the meantime, I've got to get to work on my baking skills. Mom Commandment #6: When Another Mother Puts Ye To Shame, Thou Shall Work Thou Ass Off To Get Better.

Wildcard Weekend

I'm such a brat.

We're off for our annual friends weekend at the casino. I know it will be super fun but I am worn out and just feel like vegging around today. Can't I just stay in my pjs and watch Law & Order all day? And I totally could- I love Law & Order. The older ones especially- SVU and Criminal Intent are okay. I mean, I would still watch them but they're not as good.

See, here the hubby's trying to wisk me away for a weekend of fun and I'm just ungrateful and blah.

What a brat.

 I'm sure by the time we get there and I've downed my daily consumption of caffeine I'll be ready to go and into it.

We always go with our two couple friends and then meet up with the boy's business acquaintances- the ridiculously rich ones who will probably never really understand the value of what they have. One of them presented the hubby with a job opportunity.  It would mean a lot of money and a move to Arkansas.

Hubby wasn't interested.  It's not as stable as what we have now and he wasn't interested in moving.  And I think he's at a point that he's not interested in beginning a new career.

Thank goodness because I just can't see myse myself rooting for the Hogs. ..

Back To Life

Just returned from conference.  It's always great to learn new things, get re-motivated and spend time around some of my favorite people. It's weird - when I'm at conference it almost seems like reality is suspended, like I'm in a totally different world. I think because there's just one focus - conference.  For how many ever days, that's all there is to really think about and do. Not that I don't think about my family too, because I always do.

But it's just different. I'm removed from everything, there are no distractions and everything outside of conference just kinda waits until I get home. Most times I like this kinda of suspended reality. I enjoy it. But this time it was different - I just wanted to get back home to my life. Back to my family.

I learned a lot though. It was definitely eye opening.  I think sometimes we think we understand and we operate based on what we believe to be true.  Then, when we learn how wrong we are it can be shocking.  Humiliating. How did I get it so wrong?

Talk about feeling stupid.

But better to know.  At least once you learn what you need to learn you have that as some sort of...solace. Okay, my bad for being a stupid, ignorant fool but now I know better and I won't make the mistake again. There's some comfort in that, right?

So yeah, I was ready to come home.  Of course, it took me forever to actually get home. But I finally made it and I'm taking today to just enjoy being home, spending time with the people I love.

Tomorrow I will got to work and channel the enthusiasm and motivation from conference into being a better professional, a stronger Director and more passionate advocate. But for today, I'm simply a mother who is spending the day grateful to be surrounded by my loves.

Radio Head

I flipped on the radio yesterday, half listening to the music, thinking about the day and all the things I need to do tomorrow when the dj came on and I had a sudden flash of déjà vu.  Not from something particular he said, just the voice because it’s one I used to know well.

I was at a friend’s apartment, hanging out and killing time. Because that’s what you do when you’re young. And I don’t remember if we actually had the radio on or what…but one of the radio stations used to have some kind of program where you could call in and there was a psychic or horoscope…I can’t remember which.  I think it was horoscope because I really used to be into that. Not like the this is what will happen to you today kind of horoscopes, but zodiac signs. And it isn’t like I believed “in” it but I found it interesting and sometimes surprisingly accurate.  And I’m a Libra and yep, I pretty much fit the description.

I go to her bedroom, sprawl out on her bed and call in to the radio station. Now, I’m a naturally lucky person but I’m really lucky when it comes to the radio.  So I wasn’t shocked when my call actually went through. So the dj answers and I blurt out something like “I’m born in October, I’m a Libra!” or something like that. I just remember that I just jumped right in, like I always do. No hello or anything – just bam!

And there was this long pause. Super long. Just dead silence. So I thought maybe he didn't hear me. So I said it again. And there was another pause. This one not so long. Followed by a laugh as he tells me I called the wrong radio station. That program was on the OTHER station, their competition.

I don’t remember what I said but I know I laughed because who makes that kind of mistake? Plus it’s my default setting. Embarrassed? Laugh. Nervous? Laugh. Happy? Laugh. Frustrated? Scowl, cuss and then laugh.

And then the conversation just continued.  He put me hold when he went on air but we talked for at least three hours. I don’t even know what about. Anything and everything. And we kept talking. Every single night for the next couple of weeks. It was the coolest thing -  he stopped putting me on hold and would tell me to hold on real quick, and then I would hear him say something – live into his mic - and then right back to the conversation like no big deal.  I was SO tempted to make a sound, to say something while he was live, just because I knew I couldn't.

So we talked for over a month before we decided to meet. We had these very deep, very philosophical and very interesting conversations. It was so strange because we had this relationship. Not necessarily romantic – because I can’t really say it was – but we had some kind of connection, even though we had never met. So he asked me out to dinner and I accepted.

The thing is, knowing someone before you meet them is hard. Really hard. Because you kind of make them up in your head. And then may or may not be disappointed when you do actually meet them. And I was – there was zero chemistry. None. No attraction whatsoever.  And I realized he felt the same the moment he whipped out an old photo album (remember when we used to actually print pictures?) and showed me his ex-girlfriend. The 6 foot tall, pencil thin, blonde ex-girlfriend.  And if there is anything a guy can do to tell you he’s not attracted to you, it’s to tell you he is attracted to someone that is the exact opposite of you.

And it quickly fizzled out after that. Years later I ran into him at a bar – he was doing some promotional work for the station. He actually remembered me, which surprised me – in a good way. It also confirmed no chemistry and how important chemistry really is…