Dearest Neighbors

Dear "We'll Use Our Neighbors As Free Babysitters Because We're Too Lazy To Take Care Of Our Kid" Parents Breeders That Live Next Door:

Stop sending your kid to my house every single day. Please, use a little judgement and have some consideration.  When I pull up in the driveway at 6:00 and your kid is ringing my doorbell at 6:05 - it's a little much.  Can you just give me a minute to breathe? To settle in? To take off my freakin coat?

And EVERY Saturday morning?  Do you not think we might like to have a little time to ourselves? You know, to enjoy some time together. Oh wait, yeah, you wouldn't understand that since you're obviously only interested in pawning your kid off as much as you can.

Since that doesn't happen to you, let me give you a little picture of what that's like.  It's Saturday and I want to sleep in a little. Because I get up at an ungodly hour during the week because I work...oh yeah, never mind. That's another thing you wouldn't understand. Sorry, I forgot that you aren't interested in gainful employment either.

So I sleep in a little, roll out of bed and just wanna bum around a little.  Due to an early bus, long commute, and busy life - having some lazy time is precious to me.  So I'm sitting on the living room floor in my pjs playing S'Match with my kids when it comes. The knock.

And I know immediately it's your kid. Again.

And I know it shouldn't, but it really annoys me. Yeah, I said it - it annoys me to have your kid around all the time. I know that isn't something I'm suppose to admit - I mean, what kind of horrible person gets annoyed by a little kid, right? 

This horrible person right here!

I'm annoyed that I have to get dressed. Okay, so that's a mild annoyance. It's not like I wasn't going to get dressed anyway but dang, can't I indulge in at least half a day of wearing my pjs around?

I'm annoyed because you send your kid over without any supervision, which makes me feel uncomfortable. It also makes me feel like I'm the one responsible for her safety. I'm not cool with her walking to and from our houses unsupervised - even if we're only a few houses apart. So I send my kid to walk her home while I stand on the porch in the cold to make sure she makes it safe. I realize the chances of anything ever happening are minimal - but you can't replace children! Or undo the damage of some crazy monster. And there are monsters out there. Probably more than you know.

I'm annoyed that the relationship is one-sided.  She's always at our house but my kid is never invited to play at your house. Which is why I feel you view it as free babysitting. And I probably shouldn't complain about that because honestly, I wouldn't let my kid go over there anyway. Think that sounds judgemental and holier-than-thou? Well, I wouldn't hand you the keys to my car and tell you you're free to take it. And you wouldn't really expect me to, would you?  In fact, if I did that you might even think it was strange- because it's my car and your a stranger. So why should it be strange that I treat my kid like she's more valuable then a hump of metal with wheels? Because she is.

And then I'm just kinda annoyed with your kid. Isn't 9 old enough to know that she shouldn't be going through the papers in our office? And why does she thing it's okay to just open my linen cabinet and start going through it? Boundaries - she should have already learned them. But no worries, I've given her a quick lesson for you. And when I say no she can't stay for dinner, I can hear her whispering to my kid to ask why.No worries on that either, I also explained to her the proper adult/child role. She looked kinda confused as I explained that when I give an answer, it's the end of the discussion. Don't worry though, she'll pick that up quickly if she keeps hanging out at my house.

It would probably be easy to just start turning her away, telling her she can't play and sending her back home. But you know what, my kid really enjoys her and I enjoy seeing my kid happy. And we've had some great teachable moments - about how other families talk differently (I'm not fond of yelling the f bomb to my kids), work differently (I don't expect my elderly parents to support me) and act differently than ours. And hopefully, maybe your kid can learn a few things too.

Mystery Morning Resolved

Sorry to have kept you in suspense. I would have updated you on this a long time ago but I was busy leaning into a toilet trying to figure out how to stay alive while the entire contents of my body was violently projected out through wrenching heaves.

That paints a nice picture, doesn’t it?

Sorry, there isn't a way to pretty that up.

So back to the mystery message. Somehow the suspense makes the story seem a lot more interesting than it is but here goes…

So I got into work and had a written message that someone had called for me – it included a name, company, and phone number.  I didn’t have any connection to the company but the name was familiar. Remember the woman who took my former job who hated me? I would attach a link to that old post but honestly, I’m too tired and drained to try to find it. Anyway, she hated me because she had the illusion that I had the hots for her boyfriend turned husband and she was obviously never able to let it go or to understand that it wasn’t true.  Even though I hadn’t seen him in over 6 years. She was a special kind of crazy.

Well, the name on the message belonged to her husband. Recently turned ex-husband.  I wasn’t sure if it was him, he doesn’t have an unusual name so it could have just been a coincidence. So I looked him up on facebook and guess what? The companies matched.

Well, I wasn’t interested in getting in the middle of that drama so I threw the message away and went about my business.  The next day, I hear someone come in and guess who it is?

Bingo. The man so prized any female with the audacity to speak to him is worthy of a lifetime of scorn.

Great, because what I really want is to get sucked into whatever this is about.

But it seemed pretty legitimate. He was trying to get connected to campus and sought me to have an “in”. There is a tiny bit of me that thinks he may have visited as a kind of vindictive “screw you” to his exwife…but I would like to think we’re beyond that kind of stuff. And that he would have the decency to leave me out of their mess.

If my car happens to get keyed in the next week or so I’ll know for sure…

Now I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how to get myself together enough to resemble a professional. Which is going to be pretty difficult because my mind feels like mush.  I didn't make it the whole day yesterday but I'm hoping I can pull it together enough to last through the day. If no one asks me any questions or expects me to make any decisions, I may be able to pull it off...

From The Edge

I'm back from the brink of death.  I got hit with a nasty stomach bug. It was brutal. Wishing I was just dead to make it end kind of brutal. SO rough.

And I don't ever get sick, so this was especially shocking to my system.  I'm still in recovery mode but at least I'm among the living today. Half-way, at least. Still feel kind of zombie-like but I'm plugging through. Not trying to be a hero - I'm only up and around out of necessity, because I have absolutely no other choice. If I could forgo my sense of responsibility, I would have taken an additional recovery day.

In the last three days I've only eaten about 10 crackers. While I'm sure I could hold something down now, I have no desire to. Nothing about food is appealing to me right now, nothing. And while I'm all for dropping weight, this is not what I had in mind.

Please remind me of this moment the next time I start bitching about overeating.  I need to be reminded that pudgy and hungry is WAY better than skinny and nauseous.

Mystery Morning

It's been such a weird morning...I got a mysterious message from someone and I think I know who it's from. I'm hoping it's not what I think but something in my gut tells me it is...which could get interesting.

I'm not trying to be evasive, just no time to explain. Like most my stories, it's long and drawn out and really not that interesting.

Updates when I get a free moment. Which could mean it will be a very, very long time because this girl has a seriously long to-do list to address!

For The Love Of Food

When it comes to taking care of myself, I can't seem to manage to do well in more than one area at a time - it's like I'm completely incapable of multihealthing. Either I'm working out on a regular basis and eating like crap or I'm eating well but not working out...I just can't ever get those two in sync.

This is probably deeply rooted in the fact that I suspect I subconsciously self-sabotage. What else would explain the fact that the same day I was so excited to discover I have a decent body fat percentage I also ran out and bought myself a candy bar?  Come on, that just screams "issues". There goes my theory about being a well adjusted adult.

So I decided that I was going to make a conscience effort beginning this week to clean up my eating habits, which are pretty much horrible. I've been walking at the gym on a regular basis and I'm ready to start running again but instead, I decided to focus on the food stuff. I've got the walking part down, I don't want to do anything to mess it up and I'm afraid if I start doing that I'll lose whatever focus I have to make better food choices. Baby steps.

I wake up this morning ready to go! I'm going to stay within 1200 calories - I can do this!

But the diet gods were not kind.

There were cupcakes in the office by 10:00 am.  Later a student stopped by to present me with double fudge rice krispie treats. Double fudge.

Are you kidding me? I'm trying so hard!

I held strong and managed to avoid both of them but I have to tell you, I had a hell of a day. It was really busy and really stressful - just one thing after the other and all I really wanted to do was say screw it and stuff a cupcake in my face.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be cupcake and stress free...

******Update Tuesday, February 11*******

Seriously people?!? 

Someone brought donuts to our meeting this morning AND when I walked back in the office I found a student had dropped off a special treat for me. Why, why, why???  So much temptation...must resist...must resist...

Chewin The Fat

In exchange for getting to wear the FitBit, I had to promise to get an initial health assessment and then a follow-up about every month.  It was a full assessment, which meant it would include measuring my body fat.

I've never had it measured before but I knew the general idea - they take a tool and squeeze your fat. Fun times.

So I completed a 14 page semi-invasive questionnaire and scheduled the physical portion.  The person I was corresponding with was an older woman and I just assumed she would complete the physical assessment too. I showed up for my appointment and was more than a little disappointed to discover that a young guy was going to be doing it. Really?  It isn't bad enough that I have to stand there and let someone pinch all my fat but it has to be a guy?

I know it shouldn't matter. I mean, it's the same amount of fat no matter who is pinching it...but in my head it just seems like a woman would be more sympathetic.

I know. Totally sexist. 

And vain.

So I do the other little test and then it's time.  He gets the caliper and squeezes right outside my armpit, under my arm (which would be a tricep but I seem to be missing that muscle so it seems like an injustice to call it that), my upper back, and my thigh and two places on my stomach.

He enters everything in and then says "23.6%".

Whoa, that sounds like a lot. I mean, almost a 1/4 of me is pure fat!  So I say something flip and self-deprecating. Because...well, because that's just me.

Then he looks at me and says "Actually, you're in the ideal range."

Um, what? Ideal? What's ideal? Because I know you're not talking about my body fat...

So I ask how is that possible when I'm 30 pounds overweight and he tries to convince me that body fat measure is more accurate then a scale.  And then, I decide not to care. Screw the scale!  I'm going with this one - the one that says ideal.

Woohoo! I'm not as fat as I think I am! This. Is. Awesome.

And I'm going to just ignore the fact that I'm 95% sure he didn't do my abdomen correctly. He totally didn't grab as much as he could have.  I think it may have been a little awkward for him. 

Probably has something to do with the fact that I don't have much of a torso and I have sad boobs. And in case you don't know, sad boobs are the opposite of perky boobs. Between my lack of a waist and boobs that point south, it doesn't leave much room for anyone to get in there and grab much of anything.

Accurate or not, I like the number so I'm just going to pretend that I think it's correct and roll on.

I'm also going to wear the worst, least supportive bra I own for my next measurement...can't give them a chance to get a good measurement and ruin my fantasy, now can I?

Super Bore 2014

Well, that was a disappointment.

And I'm not just talking about the fact that the team I was rooting for lost the game. Although, that was disappointing too. Not that I'm just a huge Bronco's fan...but I like the Manning boys. I've always thought they seemed humble and genuine but after ESPN aired The Book of Manning, it made me like them even more.   I don't know, they just seem like good people. I'm sure anything can be edited to put people in a good light but ...it just seems authentic.

And then the Peyton comeback story. I was rooting for him just so he could give a big, fat "Ha!" to the Colts. Then they choked.  And Manning never got his "How do you like me now?" moment.

And was it just me or was that the most unsuper bowl game ever? First, it didn't seem to get the hype that it usually does. Or maybe that was just me...because I missed the buzz. Maybe because everyone was focused on the weather concern...but it just didn't seem to have the media energy that it normally does.

Then the game itself just kinda sucked. I'm sorry, if you're a Seahawks fan I'm sure you're happy that your team won, but can you really say that was a good game?  Blowouts aren't fun to watch. By the third quarter everyone knew it was over, game done.

And what was with all the sucky commercials?  There were like two that made me laugh. The rest just flopped. Maybe my super bowl commercial expectations are too high but I'm a product of the Budweiser frogs, Cindy Crawford's Pepsi, and Clydesdales farting days  - I have high standards for super bowl commercial comedy.

At least we got to spend the evening in the company of some friends.  And with a game like that, we did a lot of catching up.  They were great hosts and we enjoyed good food and even better conversation - guess I'll consider that a win!

And a special shout out to my husband, who managed to snap a thousand pictures of me in every unflattering and awkward position possible.  And these aren't even the very worst ones...

Some people use hand gestures when they talk. Then there's full body animation.



Pretty funny story, right?

Oh come on!  You know that was funny!

Really? Oh. Well, I tried my best...
 

No hard feelings - friends!