Purpose

** This is a lengthy and serious ramble...if you're looking for something lighthearted, come back later. **

It's interesting to me how some things in life work. Sometimes it really does seem like there is a purpose and a reason for everything. There is a lot that I don't understand, but a lot of it makes sense...

I've been thinking a lot today about the way in which Morgan and McKenzie came into my life. When my Pawpaw was diagnosed with cancer it was already in the final stages, we knew we didn't have much time.  One of the things that I wanted the most was for him to be able to greet my children into this world. I wanted my children to have the opportunity to know this wonderful, loving, compassionate man.  It didn't happen.  We were actively trying, with no success. And the thing about trying to get pregnant is that when you are ready you want it to happen right away.  When it doesn't, it's disappointing.

We were three months away from infertility tests, dangerously close to the one year mark. I was sitting in the living room, charting my ovulation and cycle on the calendar when I had a fleeting thought - take the pregnancy test. I had a free one as a bonus with one of the ovulation kits I had bought.  Benny thought it was a waste, since I wasn't late yet and there was no indication that I was pregnant. When I woke up the next morning I took the test and I was pregnant. I was so shocked. After all those months of trying,  it had finally happened...

So we decided to wait and announce it after the first trimester, since it's "safer". That happened to fall at Christmas time.  So I came up with an elaborate plan for revealing the news. That was the first Christmas without my Pawpaw. It was such a somber and sad Christmas - everyone was hurting and missing him.  There was such a void.  And then, after everyone had opened presents I gave out the gifts I had made to reveal our news and it was like the whole environment of that Christmas changed. It was joyful.  It was like a gift we had all been granted to help fill the void - instead of mourning a life lost we could celebrate a life beginning.  And Morgan was born in July, the one year anniversary of his passing. Again, it was such a hard month with so much sadness and then... the arrival of this baby to bring joy and love into our hearts. What should have been the two hardest times for me were actually filled with happiness...and I just can't help but feel that God sent her at that time to ease our grief and sorrow.

Then in 2008 I was at a conference with students. The last day of the conference I felt off.   I had woken up really bloated and my abdomen was sore and crampy.   It got progressively worse so by the time I got home I knew something was wrong. I googled my symptoms and suspected that it was my appendix.  I drove myself to the emergency room and when they processed me the nurse asked if I could be pregnant. I told her that I guessed anything was possible, but that no, I was not pregnant.  They determined that I had a ruptured cyst on my ovary.  My big sister had come up the the ER to keep me company, and I thought I was just about to be released when the doctor pulled back the curtain, stepped in and said "You're pregnant."  I was so shocked that I actually asked him if he was sure.  I had run out of birth control pills and it had taken me 5 days to get a refill. A 5 day gap and I was pregnant. After all the trying for Morgan, how did that happen? 

The next day at work a dear friend of mine came into my office and told me she wasn't going to say anything but she couldn't wait - she was pregnant! I told I was pregnant too - our due dates were the same, late October.  We were so excited to be pregnant together.  The next week I was up late working on a conference booklet when I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. I knew immediately what that meant.  I crawled into bed with Benny and whispered that I thought I was having a miscarriage.  A doctors visit confirmed, I was no longer pregnant. It was such a surreal feeling - to be pregnant one day and not the next.  I never imagined how much I could mourn for someone that I had never met.  And when my friend had her baby, I couldn't help but think that I would have been having a baby too.

We started trying again fairly soon afterwards. Months passed with no luck. After getting pregnant so easily the last time, it was discouraging.  And then, 10 months after trying I got pregnant. My due date?  Late October.  It was like the timing of her birth was meant to heal our loss. Not to replace but to repair... It's a different kind of grief when you mourn someone you have never met. There is a deep sense of sorrow for what could have been...it's difficult to explain...while the sorrow is not consuming,  it is significant. That first October could have been hard but instead was actually filled with joy and celebration.

So yeah, I get that it can sound a little crazy but I know the timing of their births were not accidental - there was a plan and a purpose to those two little lives.

And I feel so blessed and fortunate to have them...