Mystery Morning

It's been such a weird morning...I got a mysterious message from someone and I think I know who it's from. I'm hoping it's not what I think but something in my gut tells me it is...which could get interesting.

I'm not trying to be evasive, just no time to explain. Like most my stories, it's long and drawn out and really not that interesting.

Updates when I get a free moment. Which could mean it will be a very, very long time because this girl has a seriously long to-do list to address!

For The Love Of Food

When it comes to taking care of myself, I can't seem to manage to do well in more than one area at a time - it's like I'm completely incapable of multihealthing. Either I'm working out on a regular basis and eating like crap or I'm eating well but not working out...I just can't ever get those two in sync.

This is probably deeply rooted in the fact that I suspect I subconsciously self-sabotage. What else would explain the fact that the same day I was so excited to discover I have a decent body fat percentage I also ran out and bought myself a candy bar?  Come on, that just screams "issues". There goes my theory about being a well adjusted adult.

So I decided that I was going to make a conscience effort beginning this week to clean up my eating habits, which are pretty much horrible. I've been walking at the gym on a regular basis and I'm ready to start running again but instead, I decided to focus on the food stuff. I've got the walking part down, I don't want to do anything to mess it up and I'm afraid if I start doing that I'll lose whatever focus I have to make better food choices. Baby steps.

I wake up this morning ready to go! I'm going to stay within 1200 calories - I can do this!

But the diet gods were not kind.

There were cupcakes in the office by 10:00 am.  Later a student stopped by to present me with double fudge rice krispie treats. Double fudge.

Are you kidding me? I'm trying so hard!

I held strong and managed to avoid both of them but I have to tell you, I had a hell of a day. It was really busy and really stressful - just one thing after the other and all I really wanted to do was say screw it and stuff a cupcake in my face.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be cupcake and stress free...

******Update Tuesday, February 11*******

Seriously people?!? 

Someone brought donuts to our meeting this morning AND when I walked back in the office I found a student had dropped off a special treat for me. Why, why, why???  So much temptation...must resist...must resist...

Chewin The Fat

In exchange for getting to wear the FitBit, I had to promise to get an initial health assessment and then a follow-up about every month.  It was a full assessment, which meant it would include measuring my body fat.

I've never had it measured before but I knew the general idea - they take a tool and squeeze your fat. Fun times.

So I completed a 14 page semi-invasive questionnaire and scheduled the physical portion.  The person I was corresponding with was an older woman and I just assumed she would complete the physical assessment too. I showed up for my appointment and was more than a little disappointed to discover that a young guy was going to be doing it. Really?  It isn't bad enough that I have to stand there and let someone pinch all my fat but it has to be a guy?

I know it shouldn't matter. I mean, it's the same amount of fat no matter who is pinching it...but in my head it just seems like a woman would be more sympathetic.

I know. Totally sexist. 

And vain.

So I do the other little test and then it's time.  He gets the caliper and squeezes right outside my armpit, under my arm (which would be a tricep but I seem to be missing that muscle so it seems like an injustice to call it that), my upper back, and my thigh and two places on my stomach.

He enters everything in and then says "23.6%".

Whoa, that sounds like a lot. I mean, almost a 1/4 of me is pure fat!  So I say something flip and self-deprecating. Because...well, because that's just me.

Then he looks at me and says "Actually, you're in the ideal range."

Um, what? Ideal? What's ideal? Because I know you're not talking about my body fat...

So I ask how is that possible when I'm 30 pounds overweight and he tries to convince me that body fat measure is more accurate then a scale.  And then, I decide not to care. Screw the scale!  I'm going with this one - the one that says ideal.

Woohoo! I'm not as fat as I think I am! This. Is. Awesome.

And I'm going to just ignore the fact that I'm 95% sure he didn't do my abdomen correctly. He totally didn't grab as much as he could have.  I think it may have been a little awkward for him. 

Probably has something to do with the fact that I don't have much of a torso and I have sad boobs. And in case you don't know, sad boobs are the opposite of perky boobs. Between my lack of a waist and boobs that point south, it doesn't leave much room for anyone to get in there and grab much of anything.

Accurate or not, I like the number so I'm just going to pretend that I think it's correct and roll on.

I'm also going to wear the worst, least supportive bra I own for my next measurement...can't give them a chance to get a good measurement and ruin my fantasy, now can I?

Super Bore 2014

Well, that was a disappointment.

And I'm not just talking about the fact that the team I was rooting for lost the game. Although, that was disappointing too. Not that I'm just a huge Bronco's fan...but I like the Manning boys. I've always thought they seemed humble and genuine but after ESPN aired The Book of Manning, it made me like them even more.   I don't know, they just seem like good people. I'm sure anything can be edited to put people in a good light but ...it just seems authentic.

And then the Peyton comeback story. I was rooting for him just so he could give a big, fat "Ha!" to the Colts. Then they choked.  And Manning never got his "How do you like me now?" moment.

And was it just me or was that the most unsuper bowl game ever? First, it didn't seem to get the hype that it usually does. Or maybe that was just me...because I missed the buzz. Maybe because everyone was focused on the weather concern...but it just didn't seem to have the media energy that it normally does.

Then the game itself just kinda sucked. I'm sorry, if you're a Seahawks fan I'm sure you're happy that your team won, but can you really say that was a good game?  Blowouts aren't fun to watch. By the third quarter everyone knew it was over, game done.

And what was with all the sucky commercials?  There were like two that made me laugh. The rest just flopped. Maybe my super bowl commercial expectations are too high but I'm a product of the Budweiser frogs, Cindy Crawford's Pepsi, and Clydesdales farting days  - I have high standards for super bowl commercial comedy.

At least we got to spend the evening in the company of some friends.  And with a game like that, we did a lot of catching up.  They were great hosts and we enjoyed good food and even better conversation - guess I'll consider that a win!

And a special shout out to my husband, who managed to snap a thousand pictures of me in every unflattering and awkward position possible.  And these aren't even the very worst ones...

Some people use hand gestures when they talk. Then there's full body animation.



Pretty funny story, right?

Oh come on!  You know that was funny!

Really? Oh. Well, I tried my best...
 

No hard feelings - friends!

Eeny Meeny Miny Mo

The same night I met my husband, I met another guy.  They both asked for my number and they both called.

Initially, I was more interested in the other guy. He was more aggressive.  He seemed more into me - he called me more and asked me out first. If you like me you gotta show me. And he did.

We spoke on the phone for about a week before our first date. He was a good guy and it was a good date. But he talked extensively about his ex-wife. That probably would have been fine except that I became concerned when I realized we sounded an awful lot alike.

The more stories he told the more I realized how similar we were. Everything that he complained about was stuff I did or would have done. Except they had only had sex on their wedding night and they were married like 4 or 5 years...I can't remember exactly but it was way too long for that to be okay.  And I wouldn't have done that because I thought that was seriously jacked up. 

It kinda freaked me out that he told me that.  One, that he felt comfortable enough to share that with me when we had just met. And then I just found the entire situation to just be so strange - like what kind of issues did she have? And did you not see her issues before you got married?  Or was she always unstable and you just didn't care...

It worried me about him too. More than just the fact that he over shared.  I don't know, you're okay to live like that - you just pretend that's normal? No talking, no therapy, no nothing? And the answer was no, because I asked.  Why aren't you fighting to resolve that issue? Obviously, it bothered you because your divorced and you're still talking about it...but it didn't bother you enough to try to fix it.  That was just odd to me. 

Of course, it's occured to me that it may not have even been true...another guy once told me something similar and that turned out to be total and complete BS. So what, is that written in the Guys Guide To Getting Laid? Is there a chapter instructing men to say they've been deprived? Is that what it is? Because that totally doesn't work. It just makes us wonder why they won't have sex with you and doesn't exactly reflect real well on your performance. So guys, you may just wanna skip that chapter.

Anyway, after that date I was pretty sure we were never going out again. Then he called and read me a poem he had written about me. I really like romantic gestures but it was too much. Poems after a week? You barely know me. It seemed so trite and forced and superficial.  And I kinda hate to admit it but that sealed the deal. That was the last time we ever talked.

13 years and two kids later I would have to say that kinda worked out in my husband's favor...

Little Miss Sunshine

Okay, I'm over this whole sulking, blah, in a funk thing. It's so not me. I'm the girl that finds a positive in anything - but not in the annoying, trying too hard type of way.  Well, maybe it is annoying...I don't know. But that's really, truly who I am. I'm just generally happy and full of enthusiasm - it's not like I have to try at it.  So this "stuff"...it's got to go.

So I've found something that I've been missing the past few weeks...

Look, a smile! Or something like that...

 

 

Okay, so it's a little forced and a lot awkward...but you get the idea.  I'm plastering this smile on my face today, not matter what. Even if I do slightly resemble the Joker.

And you'll be happy to know that this little chick has been a faithful gym participant for several months now. I haven't mentioned it a lot because it seems like I always do that - get into a really good routine, share my success and then completely fail. And that's SO annoying. It's like I don't have any discipline at all. And really, I kinda don't but I get tired of highlighting that to everyone. Can I just fail privately, please?

But I've been going regularly enough that the wellness director approached me and commented about my regularity (YES!) and asked if I wanted to participate in a program called Fitbit. Of course I said yes, anything to keep me motivated. So I wear this really cool device that monitors my activity throughout the day.

You keep it on all the time (even in the shower) and it even tracks your sleep patterns. It's really interesting - I've learned that I average about 16,000 steps a day and get in about 6 miles. That's not too bad for someone that sits at a desk all day. But I do, even before this program, try to move.  I go get the mail, stand at my desk sometimes instead of sitting and at home I always try to get up and do something during the commercial breaks.  I mean, I actually kinda move a lot...I'm like really, how am I this fat? Oh wait, I forgot about the chocolate I had this morning. Yes. I had chocolate for breakfast. Feel free to judge.

I also found that I have a pretty good sleep quality but I'm just not getting enough of it. I average about 4.5 hours sleep. Yikes! Not that I didn't know that before but seeing it...I really need to start going to bed!

So more smiling, more sleep, and less bad food. I'm guessing I can make at least one of those things happen, right?

Done

For the first time in a very long time, I woke up dreading work.

I've had mornings that I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep and days that I wanted to stay home to be lazy but today it was more than that. Today, I actually dreaded coming to work. Because of the work.

I don't know if I'm just burnt out or what. But I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to find joy in what I do.  And that's weird for me because I've always found so much joy in it.

But now, I don't know. I just feel like why am I here? What's the point?

Sometimes it's really challenging to watch people make mistakes. Mistakes that could be avoided. And it's frustrating to because I can't help anybody if they aren't willing to help themself.  I can only do so much. And I used to always feel like if I could help just one person, make even the smallest difference then it was worth it.  But I'm not feeling that way right now.

I'm fighting this upward battle at a place that doesn't really support our program. OMG, she did not just go there?  Yes...yes, I did.  I know it's not PC (or even really smart) to diss your employer but it's the truth. Our program is undervalued, unrecognized and totally unappreciated. And it isn't even about me - I don't need accolades or pats on the back. But I do need our program to be supported.

And that fact that we have a grant competition just months away and I'm the only one trying to fight for our refunding - well, it's more than a little demotivating. I'm like seriously? All I hear about is "retention and graduation" and here's a program that has proven successful and you aren't willing to do whatever you can to keep that program? What kind of sense does that make? You really think our program isn't worth the investment?

I can't shut up and just roll over either. It's my job and my obligation to advocate for this program. Even after I'm interrupted and told to "put it in writing", which I'm pretty sure was code for shut up, I just kept right on...I wanted everyone in that meeting to hear and understand what was going on. I'm not going to walk away quietly.

I feel like they think I'm fighting so hard because I'm scared of losing my job. I just want to shout that it isn't about that - it's about the students that need these services! I've got plans, I'm going to be okay.  Even if I wasn't planning to stay home - I've got degrees, I've got credentials. It's not about job security! It's about impacting students and helping them be successful!

Isn't that worth something? Isn't that what we should value in higher education? Creating opportunities for learning, personal development and growth?  Because if it isn't...then why am I here?  What am I doing each day?

And you know what?  I can't answer that.